She is NEVER gonna change!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Jan 26, 2009.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    My daughter's life is never going to get any better. My sister and my mother went to visit her today at the jail. She was nasty and disrespectful once again. She cursed out my sister until my sister finally got up and walked out. My mother left in tears again!!! This kid is unbelievable. I truly have never met anyone like her. She is still blaming us for everything. She said it was mine and my husbands fault that she is in jail. We should have never pressed charges on her for stealing our debit card because she only used forty dollars. She never wants to speak to her step-father again. We are not there for her, we never support her and we all can go f**k ourselves!!! The nerve!!! She seems to forget about the hell we have been through for her over the past 5 years. All of the heartache she caused, all of the places we have had to go and rescue her from, all of the days we sat in the court room, all of the visits to the many hospital stays, all of the money we have wasted trying to help her, all of the leg work we have done to try and save her from herself. She still refuses to take any responsibility for anything she has done. I wish I could just shake her, make her see what she is doing to herself. She is all about hanging out in the ghetto and acting like a thug. She told my sister that she was going to run again when she gets out. Wonderful!!!

    She has no business living in this criminal life. She was telling my sister that I have the authority to get her out of jail but I just won't. She thinks I can just sign her out!!! She doesn't understand what bail is either. She doesn't know that when you put up bail you lose it if the person does not show up to court. It's weird, she is so hardcore on the outside, tough girl who really does fit it with the gangsta lifestyle yet, so innocent and naive. Even though logically I know that she is not stable therefore it makes it very difficult for her to grasp what is happening right now, I am so ticked off that she is still playing the blame game. How dare her blame me and her step-father for anything!!! We both have stuck by her through all of the craziness. How dare her think that it is okay to take our debit card because she "only spent forty dollars"!!!! UURRGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so angry. I don't even feel bad for her right now. My mother was telling my sister that she was being too harsh on my daughter. I don't blame my sister one bit for being abrasive with my daughter, she was being cursed out for pete's sake!!! We are just sick of this. It would be different if she was remorseful and wanting to change her life. But she isn't, she feels not guilt for anything she has done and has plans on doing the same old thing when she gets out. What else can we do? How on earth can we make her see what she is doing is WRONG???

    I know in my heart that I will be attending her funeral, she won't be attending mine. How do you prepare for that? She is going to end up dead!!! My God, how do I save her??? I am just thinking out loud, I know that I can't save her, she has to save herself!!!!

    I am just going to keep on working on me. I am going to get up each day and breath. I am going to keep on detaching. I will get through this. I have to, I have another child to raise. One who is so deserving of a peaceful life. He is the joy in my heart!!!

    Sorry for the long vent. Could have been longer, I can go on and on about this!!! lol

    Thanks for listening.

  2. Rotsne

    Rotsne Banned

    Count the days until she is 18. If the justice system feels that time she has spent in prison is enough for stealing 40 dollars then it must be so. Just pray that they won't release her before her birthday and that they can find the money to secure her a treatment.

    Can you detach?

    It is hard to tell. I got a call from my mother Sunday. She told me that my brother was on a new medication and there was some problems with the amount he has to take. Too little and he starts to hear voices. Too much and we know where we can get our stamps licked. It is difficult. He is almost 40 and she is still handling his problems like he is a teen.

    I guess that you never stop being a parent. I am happy to have no experience with kids living outside my home, so I don't know how it is not to know where they are.

    As for her reaction she is ill. She would never acknowledge that she functions well in a structured environment like a jail - properly better than on any street. You have to see her behavior in that light.

    Just try to remain strong for your son. Regardless of the outcome, it is no longer in your hands. She has to find her own path. Maybe she will continue to struggle or maybe not. None can tell. But try to focus on your son and settle with visit / phonecalls when you have some kind of surplus.

    I will send some positive thoughts across the ocean. It is a very tough situation going on. ((hugs))
  3. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I forgot to mention this. I was speaking to one of my nephew's friend's mother's and she told me a few months ago my daughter went up to this girls father, not realizing who he was, and told him she was pregnant and that she needed money. She asked him for fifteen dollars!!! Talk about embarassing!!! She is a scam artist. She asks anybody and everybody for money. I have heard this from quite a few people I know. She is going to give the wrong person a sob story and she is going to end up getting hurt.

    Will anything get through to her??? We are trying to let her feel her natural consequences hoping that she will soon wake up and truly get it. We allow her to call collect and we put money on her account so that she can buy toiletries and snacks, we write her and visit her but not too often as we don't want to give her the wrong impression. We want her to know that we are fed up. It's not working, she instead feels that we are not being supportive. She feels abandoned. We can't win!!!
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    OK, breathe. Slowly in, slowly out. Over and over. Take six seconds to breathe in, six seconds to breathe out.

    Now, tell yourself again - she is sick. You have done the best you can. It is now out of your hands. Do not take any of her garbage on board. Do not get caught up in her blaming. Because even when you say, "How dare she...?" you are getting caught up in her psychodrama. When you begin to defend yourself - she has successfully laid blame on you, enough to ruffle your feathers.

    Anyone with a glimmer of knowledge and understanding will know you are not at fault here. And anyone without a glimmer of understanding - they're not worth the effort of trying to explain, because they haven't got the capacity to ever undertand. When you meet people like this - don't waste your energy, you need it for more important things.

    Your description of your mtoher and how she feels your sister was too hard on difficult child - that gives me insight into your own (perhaps previous) mindset, the one that had you letting difficult child walk all over you, for so long. Your mother would put up with this appalling behaviour and in doing so, enable it. She gave you the best training she could.

    Not that I blame her - she herself is a product of HER upbringing. But be aware of it and continue to work hard to break the generational pattern. It is not only YOUR best chance, it is your daughter's too.

    How can you best help your daughter? Byt not caving now. As you said, there's not much you could do now anyway, there re processes which now are set in place and which must run their course. But you need to continue this consistency and firmness of rule. You have another child who needs to know what is going to be happening, he needs some sense of security and also to see that consequences will happen to those who break the rules deliberately, defiantly.

    The debit card issue - I agree with you, the amount isn't the problem. The fact that she stole YOUR card at all, is the issue. She showed you absolutely no respect, she showed no respect for boundaries and someone else's property. Her current attitude of "it was only $40" clearly shows she just doesn't get it, she is missing the point entirely.

    If she is openly saying that she will run as soon as she gets out, then is this being passed on to authorities and treating doctors? Isn't she supposed to be on her medications now? I am wondering if her medication-taking (if it's happening at all) is being supervised to ensure compliance. What about blood tests to measure blood levels?

    Until she begins to take personal resposibility (for her health, for her actions, for everything) then this pattern will continue. You need to be strong. Keep up with the counselling, you need it for so many reasons. The strongest, toughest, most relaxed indivisual in your shoes would be needing counselling through this, in order to maintain some sense of perspective and to keep that spine stiffened sufficiently.

    Of all you are going through with her, this must be close to the most difficult. If you can weather this, you can weather almost anything.

    Did you realise just how strong you have become?

  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Seconding Marg's statement...Did you realize just how strong you have become? I am so proud of you, for detaching, for focusing on your little one, for your determination to do your best for your family.

    Sending many hugs.
  6. compassion

    compassion Member

    Shawna, I am so sorry . (((( )))) My daughter is very similar to yours. It is baffling alot. I am relizing how sick these young people are and for some reson cannot connect actions with consequences. My daughter is blaming me: I am the reason she stayed out till 2 AM Sasturday night when she had to leave at 5 AM for a volleyball tournament. Compassion
  7. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    What would I do without you guys??? Thank you so much for all of the support. I so need it right now.

    Marg, I needed that pep talk!!! Thank you. You are so right, about everything you said. I still refer back to the pie chart that you posted to me. I really do think about that when I feel like I'm slipping!!!

    I know that I have come a long way. You all are so right. I will not allow myself to be sucked back into darkness!!!! When she calls to spew her venom on me, and she will, I will not cave. I will not get roped into defending myself or any of the decisions I have made with regards to her. I will not get into a screaming match with her either. If she verbally attacks me I will hang up!!!

    Thanks so much for the encouragement you guys!!! I will let you know how the phone call goes. :)
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs and understanding...this is not your fault.
  9. Normally I wouldn't say I word here; I typically just read these types of threads since my difficult child is younger.

    First, I wanted to say, Stay Strong and do what you need to do. Your comments about having more than one child are right on - it's OK to consider this. Don't forget your daughter is ill, so in a way, it's someone else saying those words to you. on the other hand - she's still responsible and you are doing the right thing.

    This is something we are dealing with due to my older sis (difficult child to the max) now that my Dad has passed away; my parents enabled her for years and we have a mess on our hands and not much we can do about it. I sure wish my Dad had not accepted my sis and my Mom's issues and not lived with it.

    You are doing the right thing. You are in my thoughts and prayers; I can't begin to imagine how hard it is.
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm sorry- another step in detachment, I guess- it sounds like that's all you can do. If she really doesn't understand the legal system, you could ask her defense attny to get a competency evaluatioon on her. This isn't a mental cometency evaluation- it's an evaluation to see if she understands everyone's role in the judicial system, her legal rights, and stuff like that. I don't know if that would help mush, but you could ask if you're interested.

    Otherwise, I think I'd be tempted to just let everyone stay aaway from her until it was obvious that she'd learned her lesson.
  11. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I constantly repeat the AA mantra---God grant me the ability to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. On days like today, it keeps me focused and sane. I can't control what any other person says or does, I can only control my reaction to their actions. It took me a lot of pain, a lot of years, and a lot of learning to get to this point. But sometimes days come when your resolve fails and you just feel lost and alone. Hugs...and love yourself.
  12. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

  13. Woofens

    Woofens New Member

    Shawna, you are such a strong person. You continually amaze me. You have all my thoughts, prayers, and support I can give you. I can't help much but I can listen. Please PM me if you need to

  14. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Whatever your decisions however you get to those points it will be hard no matter what. We can share our stories, our love, our thoughts and our hopes with you.

    I think just the fact that you come here and get this out. Write it down, vent so to speak. It has to be good, it is a step in detachment.
    She may learn, she may become a woman that has dreams and a new life after this.
    Even if that happens... you already have learned so much and have become so strong. If she ever gives you a chance you will have so much to teach her.

    You are doing such a great job!
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Shawna, I am so sorry.

    Please, accept that she will not change, at least at this point, and try not to become so emotionally involved. I can feel your anger and pain all the way through the computer monitor. {{Hugs}}

    You are all wonderful to visit your daughter, and some day, in a million yrs, she will realize all you have done for her, but not right now.

    Right now all you can do is stick to your guns and breathe and try to live your life at home with-o her.

    Marg has wise words.
  16. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you all so, so much!!! Your support means the world to me. You are the reason for my strength, you all have helped me get to the place I am in now. When I first came here I was a total mess!!! I couldn't function, I was totally and completely consumed with my daughter's drama. You have walked me through the darkness and led me into the light!!! For that, I am in total debt to all of you. Thank you. :)

    She called me last night. I was expecting an attack, instead she was surprisingly sweet. She told me that the visit with my sister and mother was not a good one. She said that we always come and talk about everything negative, all of the "bad stuff" she has done. I told her that it would be different if she were remorseful and sorry for all of the "bad stuff". If she were saying positive things, that she wanted to do better and change her life than we would be able to be more positive. I told her that we would not continue to support her if she continues to destroy her life. It was a short phone call. She said she didn't want to waste her minutes. I was glad. I wanted to end on a good note. She said she missed me and hopes that I will be in court on Thursday. I will. She still thinks that I have some power in this. I tried to explain to her that once you commit a crime and end up in "big girl" trouble, we have no say. The judge does not call me to see what I want or what I think, he will do whatever he sees fit. She just doesn't get it.

    In the meantime I will continue to breath!!! I will keep moving forward with my life. Keep focusing on my son. He is such a sweet kid. I don't know how I ended up with such an amazing little guy. :) My poor daughter misses him so much. She loves him and her cousin very much and they are so angry with her. My son makes little comments here and there about her punching me in the face. The other day he asked me if she will be here to celebrate her birthday. I thought, oh how sweet. So, I said probably not, why? He makes a fist and says to me "Because I got a nice surprise for her" and puts up his fist!!! It was sad but so cute. I had to hold in my laughter!!!!

    Thanks again my friends. I will let you know what happens in court.

    Shawna :)
  17. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, that was a nice call, Shawna. Let's hope she can keep it together Thursday. I have my fingers crossed!!!
    Your son does sound cute.
  18. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Shawna, just wanted to send many hugs and good thoughts. You're going through so much, but you're holding things together and staying strong. And you're there for your son, which is the best gift you can give him!!

  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Bran -

    You know when I read posts like yours and responses like Margs and the support of others, so many others here that can really understand? It makes me want to rewrite the definition of insanity.

    Defined insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result each time.

    To a Mom -It's wanting to let them fall, but knowing that it will only create MORE problems for them and knowing in your heart that before they are 18 they can't possibly, no WE can't possibly allow non-normal thinking children to experience all the trouble they would need to make changes in their lives AND sometimes in some children NO amount of experience with troubles will ever make a change - only change how they manipulate the system.

    Oh, I see - that IS the same thing - because we keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result every time. Sigh -

    Thought I was onto something there - as with my son and his life - ALWAYS thinking I was onto something. Just like any of us wish there was just a switch or a pill or a thearapy or an incident that would make the world change for our kids.

    Maybe shoot her some straight talk and say "Look, immaturity took a train ride out of here when you crossed the line into adult jail. Time to grow up." then let her know that forgiveness will always be there but from here on out? Forgetting has to be earned.

    Hugs - with you in spirit Thursday
  20. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I truly do believe our difficult child's are related.

    Continue to detach. I know you look for any opportunity, and crack in her armour, to give in and think she will be different. You want that so desperately, I know I do too. But keep reminding yourself that if she really wants to change she has to do it herself and you will not enable her to continue to live the life she has been living.

    Look what happens to an alcoholic when all their support is withdrawn, when the family finally stops enabling them. They panic, they try their old ways of bullying and controlling everyone's behavior. They up the ante. When we don't buy it any longer, then and only then can they begin to change. Tell her that you will support her 100% in her getting her life back in order but you will not stand by and help her continue to ruin it, and that you and the rest of the family are going to go on with your lives.