She likes the therapist/I don't. What to do?

[BusynMember]

My daughter, Miss 12, is going through adoption therapy since she is wondering about her birthfamily. It's going to be complicated and I want her to have the best help. The problem is, *I* need help too...lol. Going through this has about killed me and my anxiety is through the roof. And we met with an adoption therapist (she is a psychologist). My daughter REALLY likes her (I don't know why...lol). I don't think she can help me at all. A more reputable one exists, but she likes THIS one. I'd go to my own, but there aren't many therapists for adoptive mothers who are going through reunion issues with their kids...lol. Seriously, there are many therapists for the adopted kids and their issues. There are many groups/support groups for birthparents, but I can't find anyone who understands these issues from the perspective of an adoptive mother, except those whose primary patient is the child. Things are improving. The birthmother did contact me, and she was sweeter than I even remember her and I e-mailed her back and feel confident that we can work together. However, she isn't that free to have a relationship with my daughter because her hub doesn't really want her to. I'm a mess. I just want order and sanity back in my life from somebody who understands the stresses that can happen when you adopt a child, even a very good child (and she is the best). This therapist that my daughter likes--I don't think she is helpful. But daughter does. What would YOU do? (Yes, I ramble. I hope I made sense).

 

[totoro]

Can you go to separate ones? You go to hers once in awhile?
Can you talk to the one she likes and hash it out? Tell her what you are looking for, maybe she will become someone you like?
I had to recently lay it all out to my therapist, and I actually like her know!

I don't know, I guess if your Daughter likes her this is the most important for now? Get her going and then work on you as she gets more stable with the whole situation. Can you fake it while you guys go together? Take the good parts from it.
It has to be so hard on all of you.

 

[eekysign]

I'm not sure why you have linked your therapy with your daughter's.....is that how adoption therapy issues are supposed to be worked? No experience with 'em, so maybe I'm totally wrong! I would understand if her therapist occasionally wanted you present for discussions. But in the end, your issues with the birth-mother/daughter/meeting/talking/wanting to see her/etc are not the same as your daughter's. I would think you would need/want your own therapist to help you with your fears of abandonment and loss, and she would need her own therapist to help her with why she wants to meet birthmother, what that means for the rest of her family, etc.

I guess I see you and your daughter as having two entirely separate issues. I would think you'd want to address them separately, with whoever is best suited to help YOU. You say there is a well-known on out there---what about him/her for you, and the current one for your daughter?

 

[BusynMember]

Yes. We go together and with her dad too. I'd rather have her go to this one and find one for myself, but I can't find anyone who works with my part of the adoption triad. It's different than regular therapy. I've been in therapy all my life and still have a therapist, but she doesn't know much about this issue.
I suppose I"ll have to go with daughter and hub and take what I can and grit my teeth. This therapist really sets my teeth on edge, but my daughter likes her. Guess that's the most important thing...blahhhhhhhh. Reunion is very hard. I am really understanding what adoptees go through when they search. It is hell. And it's not even for me, it's for my daughter. I'm glad I did it for her. She won't have to go through this horror show later on. Fortunately she has a wonderful birthmother. The birthfather and his family--that's an issue in itself. Their dysfunction and priorities will take a year of sessions. I'll write about it later. If I wasn't so tired out from this, I'd be laughing hysterically (not because it's funny, but because I'm going nuts).

 

[eekysign]

Have you looked at the online resources

 

[TerryJ2]

MWM, I think your choice to stick with-this therapist is a good one. I'm sorry you don't like her. But right now your daughter needs help processing and I'd focus on that. It's awesome that you found a good therapist for her, at least, one that she can open up to. That's an accomplishment. Pat yourself on the back.
Try to remind yourself that this is just a therapist. It's not someone you're going to marry. (Okay, maybe that's not a good comparison, LOL! )

I'd continue to look for a diff therapist for yourself, since you aren't happy with-your daughter's doctor or your own, in regard to their take on things or their skill level.
I'm wondering why your current therapist can't deal with-it, since, if you remove the logistics, it's really about anxiety and yearning and dread and love ... things that most therapists should be able to deal with. in my humble opinion.

It's great that your daughter has a wonderful bmom. I suspect that will smooth their mtng, if they ever have one. It is so hard to wonder if it will ever happen.

I wonder how much anger your daughter has that she was placed for adoption? Or how much insecurity? No matter how many times we tell our kids we love them, they can't seem to understand that they were not "given away." Well, at least, until they become parents and understand how hard it is.

One of the reasons we chose open adoption for our difficult child is that we know many adoptees who spent yrs searching, and really ruined their lives. We thought if we could at least take one component out of the equation, it would help our child, who would (probably, statistically) have issues no matter what.
One guy quit his job and searched full time for 4 yrs! When he finally met his bmom, he was disappointed. She wasn't the fantasy mom he had imagined. They didn't argue or anything ... it was just kind of blah.
I have a friend who searched for her bio daughter after 30 yrs of telling herself that she had no right to know. Other people talked her into it. Mostly, she just wanted to make sure her daughter was all right. Turned out that the bio daughter had placed a note in the file many yrs prior and had been waiting and waiting. The neat part was that my friend was able to meet the adoptive mom and they adored one another. But the adoptive mom was much older--in her 70s at that point--and she died a yr later. Had my friend waited any later to search, she would have never met the adoptive mom.
Mostly, my friend just wanted to tell the adoptive mom "Thank you" for being such a good mom to my daughter. She said if she could have chosen anyone in the world, it would have been this woman. She was so grateful.
I know that's what your daughter's bmom will say about you.

My difficult child's bmom dated a guy once who had no idea she had placed a child for adoption. She told us that he blurted out one day, "I think anyone who gives up their child for adoption is wrong and evil and I would never be friends with-anyone who ever did that."

I would have dropped him like a hot potato, but she must have been insecure, because she continued to date him for a cpl more mo's until she finally broke it off.

All this is to say, that no one can really know your heart or the bmom's heart and no one can judge.

 

[house of cards]

I don't think you will find a therapist out there that specializes in the adoptive parent, so I would talk with your reg therapist. The reason why I don't think you will find one is because I think adoptive moms are trying soo hard to make it all look like magic and perfection so that they can "deserve" their kid so we don't want to come forward and grumble about the issues. At least, I think that is what I do.

I totally understand your fears. I have been sending letters/pictures 2 x's a year to my kid's bm for years. Recently, I've been contacted by youth services saying 2 siblings want contact. These siblings are still involved with bm and into gangs/drugs. I haven't sent my letters. The reason, plain and simple is FEAR. When all of the older siblings living elsewhere reach 18, I will be contacted if they express interest. I've decided it doesn't change the timetable for my kids(not until they are 18) but it gives me a cold sweat, chilling fear. THESE ARE MY KIDS.

 

[DaisyFace]

MWM--

I found it interesting that you say the therapist "sets your teeth on edge"...

I wonder why this is? I can't help but feel like perhaps your 'mother's intuition' is picking up on something? Or, could it be that by focusing on your daughter and her issues with the adoption and her birth mother and her other "family", that the sessions are causing you to feel uncomfortable...maybe even a little hurt?

I agree with the others--whatever the trouble, it does sound like you deserve your own therapist. I don't think it matters if they specialize in adoptive parents specifically--I think what matters is that someone is focusing on YOUR feelings and YOUR emotional needs for a change.

Best wishes--

DaisyF

 

[Janna]

MWM,

When I was 12, getting me to talk to ANYONE would have been anything but excrutiating. I didn't have enough problems that I had to see a therapist, but if I did, no WAY would I have followed through with something like that.

I dunno what I'd do. D LOVES his in home therapist and I had to fight tooth and nail for her. We disagree on some things, but, he responds to her, and I feel like if he needs someone to talk to, liking her makes life easier.

I don't think I'd ditch her. If N is doing OK with her and likes her, she may really open up to her. Just think if she's with someone she doesn't like and won't talk? What are you gonna get out of that?

 

[TerryJ2]

I missed the part about "setting your teeth on edge."
What is it about the therapist that does that?

Kathie, are your kids legally adopted? If so, you do not have to have contact. DO NOT allow yourself to feel obligated, especially at this age, and especially if they are into gangs and drugs. CPS should know about that part, too.