She may be Homeless

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by MrsMcNear50, Jan 12, 2010.

  1. MrsMcNear50

    MrsMcNear50 New Member

    I haven't seen Sweet Betsy for over a week..actually since I took her the phone and didn't hear from her. She called after her first dental appointment., said she had to have a root canal before they could replace the tooth. All day appointment., could I please take her, as she said she needed my support. I agreed, texted her boyfriend Sunday nite to make sure she was still going. She assured yes, so I drive the 20 miles to get her. She appears on boyfriend's porch, dressed, boots on, ready to go. I step out of the car, say Good Morning and she informs me she's not going. I ask why she didn't text me before I made the drive. She said she had just decided. I could tell from the look on her face that she was in "one of her moods". Not going there. I said OK, got back in my car and left.

    Afternoon rolls around. I had interviewed for a job a few weeks ago. I've been laid off for 19 months, and have not been able to land anything. So I'm pumped about this job. I get the call about 3, yes, I got the job and start next Monday. GREAT NEWS!!!! Not 15 mins. into my happy dance, my phone rings. Betsy's boyfriend. easy child and I look at each other. These are never good calls, and I hesitate, but answer the phone.

    boyfriend starts talking. He is kicking Betsy out of his house and she has no where to go. I immediatley inform him, that if Betsy wants to talk to me, she can call me herself. Don't want to talk to you. He continues that yes, I probably need to come down and talk to her. I promptly told him, I was NOT coming back down there, why was he even calling me? He repeats that Bets needs to get out of his house and has no where to go. My blood pressure is soaring now. I, not very nicely, tell him, that this is between him and Betsy. It has NOTHING to do with me. You let her move in, she made the choice to move in, if things aren't working out, YOU TWO figure it out and to not call my phone again. And I hung up. Haven't heard from either of them since then.

    I have talked to a dual diagnosis hospital about 2 hours from here. My brother went thru the program and has been clean for 7 years. He chose to stay in the city, not to come back home, where he knew he would start hanging with old accquatices. He has been very successful. He spoke with the director, there is an open bed. Medicaid will pay for her treatment. He offered to be there for her, visiting, making sure she had what she needed. That was my offer to her. Call me when you want a ride. Other than that, there isnothing I can do for her.

    For the first time in a long time, I feel that I am strong enough to NOT enable her. I actually felt positive after I hung up the phone. Maybe, just maybe, homeless will be her bottom. All I want for her is to be healthy and happy.


  2. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Julie,
    just wanted to say I think you handled things just right and I'm so glad to hear you feel okay about it! Congrats on the job and I hope you love it!
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911


    This isn't the first time you've not enabled her dear. I don't know if it really ever gets easier - I think maybe we kid our parental selves about that. I think it just gets more familiar and we realize that our kids grow up a bit more each time we find the courage to say NO. Somewhere in that? I think there is a calming peace for our souls.

    The tooth? There will be other times for her to have that replaced. The hole is going to be there irregardless of whether you had taken her today or tomorrow. She really does have bigger problems at hand. It can be our hope that she is beginning to understand THAT.

    Right now I can not imagine how disconnected she must feel from herself. All by her own doing and now no one to blame. It's like all their lives they seem to be able to direct their anger at someone or something, blame someone for THEIR mistakes and as long as they have that safety net? They can cope. When they're out of school, out of their parents home, out of friends, out of work, and basically out of everything? They have to start looking in the mirror and that's a long, hard look. There is no one to blame but themselves - everyone else has left them, and rightfully so. They've done this to themselves, and at this point? She can either continue fighting herself and ride the pity wagon or she can realize what she's doing helps no one - including herself AND that she does have a son that is missing her and she's missing some of the best years of HIS life...pull herself together and figure it out, forgive herself and move on....or continue like she is bouncing from place to place hoping to find people to feel sorry for her while she tells her sad little story over and over as she ages.

    My son is now 19. I figured he would be full of such hate for his biofather because he chose the latter path. He just kept asking people to feel sorry for him. 55 years...."Pity me, woe is me." My son doesn't hate him, but sadly he has one word that describes him perfectly. Pathetic. I think being told you are pathetic by your child is worse than hearing "I hate you." If he were to ever hear what his son thought I'm sure it would cut worse than 45 years of abuse. It's my sincerest hope that our Sweet Betsy takes your brothers advice and your offer so she never has to hear her son say that she is "pathetic".

    You're in my prayers always, as is Betsy & easy child.
    As for the toad? I hope a rock.....well lets just say I hope he stays there.

    Hugs & Love

    ps Congrats on your new job. I know you will do wonderfully.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    You did great Julie! Hopefully she will learn to want more for herself and then will be willing to do the work. We cannot do it for them and it takes time for both us and our difficult children to learn that.

    On another note... Congratulations on the new job. Do not let your difficult child foul that up on you nither emotionally or actually. One of the most important things for us parents who have been so emotionally beaten down on our road toward a more peaceful life is to "abel" ourselves. A new job is a terrific start for you toward this goal. I wish you much sucess! -RM
  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Hugs. Stay strong.