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She Tells Me she loves her Dad, but Not Me
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 659900" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>A couple of comments.</p><p>From what you said, it sounds like your husband is giving way too much power to his young daughter, but he seems to enjoy it. Do you want to remain married to an abusive man who gets everyone to laugh at you? You can't tell your daughter how to feel. I don't know how old she is. If she is very young, even if not, chances are she will see her father for his true self if you are no longer there or as she matures and things will change. If not, she is abusive, like him. Even kids have no right to abuse us. Of course, if s he is still 11, your husband is abusing her too by teaching her cruelty.</p><p></p><p>I have an abusive family of origin so all I have is my husband my kids. Fortunately, my husband would never do what yours is doing. If he did, I'd be gone. You can make friends that are like family and hang with people who respect and love you as you deserve. I'm not telling you to leave him. I'm just saying I would not last, and that he sounds mean. You have options. You may want to start therapy to find out what you really want to do, to get your self-esteem back, to learn how to set boundaries and refuse to be abused. Get a female therapists (my opinion) who is at least middle aged so that she has life experience.</p><p></p><p>If your daughter says she hates you, likely she is trying to get a rise out of you. I would revert to a different way of responding to her so t hat she doesn't get to see you falling apart or upset or even angry.</p><p></p><p>Stay calm. Read this.</p><p></p><p>Daughter? I hate you. I love just daddy!</p><p></p><p>You: (calm and matter-of-factly) Well, I still love you. I'm sorry you feel that way. (No emotion though)</p><p></p><p>Daughter: Well, I'll hate you forever.</p><p></p><p>You: Honey, I heard you the first time. You have a right to feel the way you like.</p><p></p><p>Daughter: I won't answer your texts. Haha!</p><p></p><p>You: I'm glad you told me. I won't text you then. (stay even keel, matter of fact, clean t he kitchen while you are talking, no eye contact or serious expression)</p><p></p><p>Daughter: You're crazy (just an idea of what she may say)</p><p></p><p>To accusations or names, I would go on with my chores and not answer.</p><p></p><p>Daughter: (following you) Did you hear me? You're CRAZY!"</p><p></p><p>You: (calmly) I'm sorry, but from now on if you do not address me with respect I am not going to react or respond.</p><p></p><p>Then stick to it.</p><p></p><p>I would do the same to your husband. If he gets a bunch of people to laugh at you, without crying until you are gone from his sight, I'd leave the house and go shopping or visit a kind friend or talk to your pastor or rabbi or anyone who you feel can give you comfort. But don't let them see you sweat.</p><p></p><p>Bullies bully people who are vulnerable and sensitive. You are ill. It is cruel of your husband to instigate this. Until you decide what you are going to do, I would limit contact with him, even if you are in t he same house. You don't need to respond to ANYTHING that is not addressed to you in a calm and pleasant way.</p><p></p><p>Please go for help as you decide the next stage of your life. Consider this a turning point and time for a change. It is always nice t o have third party input when we are emotional. If your husband is obnoxious about you going for therapy alone, then I'd go the closest free or reduced fee mental health clinic and take good care of yourself. You've had enough. You don't have to take that kind of treatment. Nobody does. And you don't have to be alone if you leave.</p><p></p><p>Now you asked how you should feel. Nobody can tell you how to feel, but I know I would feel very angry and eager to change the situation.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 659900, member: 1550"] A couple of comments. From what you said, it sounds like your husband is giving way too much power to his young daughter, but he seems to enjoy it. Do you want to remain married to an abusive man who gets everyone to laugh at you? You can't tell your daughter how to feel. I don't know how old she is. If she is very young, even if not, chances are she will see her father for his true self if you are no longer there or as she matures and things will change. If not, she is abusive, like him. Even kids have no right to abuse us. Of course, if s he is still 11, your husband is abusing her too by teaching her cruelty. I have an abusive family of origin so all I have is my husband my kids. Fortunately, my husband would never do what yours is doing. If he did, I'd be gone. You can make friends that are like family and hang with people who respect and love you as you deserve. I'm not telling you to leave him. I'm just saying I would not last, and that he sounds mean. You have options. You may want to start therapy to find out what you really want to do, to get your self-esteem back, to learn how to set boundaries and refuse to be abused. Get a female therapists (my opinion) who is at least middle aged so that she has life experience. If your daughter says she hates you, likely she is trying to get a rise out of you. I would revert to a different way of responding to her so t hat she doesn't get to see you falling apart or upset or even angry. Stay calm. Read this. Daughter? I hate you. I love just daddy! You: (calm and matter-of-factly) Well, I still love you. I'm sorry you feel that way. (No emotion though) Daughter: Well, I'll hate you forever. You: Honey, I heard you the first time. You have a right to feel the way you like. Daughter: I won't answer your texts. Haha! You: I'm glad you told me. I won't text you then. (stay even keel, matter of fact, clean t he kitchen while you are talking, no eye contact or serious expression) Daughter: You're crazy (just an idea of what she may say) To accusations or names, I would go on with my chores and not answer. Daughter: (following you) Did you hear me? You're CRAZY!" You: (calmly) I'm sorry, but from now on if you do not address me with respect I am not going to react or respond. Then stick to it. I would do the same to your husband. If he gets a bunch of people to laugh at you, without crying until you are gone from his sight, I'd leave the house and go shopping or visit a kind friend or talk to your pastor or rabbi or anyone who you feel can give you comfort. But don't let them see you sweat. Bullies bully people who are vulnerable and sensitive. You are ill. It is cruel of your husband to instigate this. Until you decide what you are going to do, I would limit contact with him, even if you are in t he same house. You don't need to respond to ANYTHING that is not addressed to you in a calm and pleasant way. Please go for help as you decide the next stage of your life. Consider this a turning point and time for a change. It is always nice t o have third party input when we are emotional. If your husband is obnoxious about you going for therapy alone, then I'd go the closest free or reduced fee mental health clinic and take good care of yourself. You've had enough. You don't have to take that kind of treatment. Nobody does. And you don't have to be alone if you leave. Now you asked how you should feel. Nobody can tell you how to feel, but I know I would feel very angry and eager to change the situation. [/QUOTE]
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