She won't leave and has decided

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Feb 6, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    that she can live with our rules and will abide by them.

    She said she thought about everything we said about 'biting off more than she can chew, living on a dime, no home, no bed, no car, etc.,' and has decided that she doesn't want to leave home, she is not ready and she's scared.

    Well, now, this creates a *small* dilemma for ME (not H, of course, as he is thrilled and thinks he's 'reached' her, lol).

    Last night when I asked her what her intentions were and when her move date was she responded: "I'm not moving out. I changed my mind because I thought about everything you and H said last night".

    I have to admit, I missed a beat and then said, "I think we need to clarify something. When you told me that you wanted to move out and I told you to think long and hard about how you're going to live, where, with what money, the car expenses, etc., I wasn't begging you to stay. I think you may be under the assumption that we're begging you to stay here and that you're doing us some sort of favor by not moving out. I am afraid that it's not about YOU, difficult child. I'm more concerned about OUR home being undisturbed by your drama and attitude. I was not heartbroken by your choice to leave because I am tired of this and I want peace in our home. WE are doing YOU the favor by allowing you to live here. And you saying that you're staying does not assure me in any way that you're capable of staying here and abiding by our house rules. Before you respond to me, think about that.We will talk again tomorrow" (tomorrow is today).

    So this morning H and I talked it over breakfast at the local diner and of course, he is thrilled. I told him that I was not so thrilled because, in my opinion, allowing her to stay will only prolong the inevitable - she will have that few weeks honeymoon period of good/decent behavior and then she will start in again with her BS. So, while H agreed that I was probably correct, we did come to a compromise.

    Part one of the compromise is that H is getting difficult child her own insurance today so she can be removed from ours. H will pay for the first 3 months and by then difficult child should be established in her job and then take over the payments. If she fails to do so, she obviously loses her car (or if she stupidly drives it without ins and gets caught, which she will, she will be the one in trouble, not us).

    Part two of the compromise is that at the 3 month mark, if she hasn't breached any of the rules that she's agreed to, we will revisit her choice to move out on a more realistic level. She will *hopefully* have an idea if her job is a good fit and will become FT as opposed to PT and she can figure out what her income is and learn how to budget her money.

    We all know that the fact is she's not ready to be out on her own, but she isn't thrilled about making compromises to live at home. So, we decided to give her a time limit...a due date of sorts. Within the next 3 months she will have the opportunity to get herself better organized for moving out in a reasonable fashion at a reasonable date into a reasonable situation. This is kind of what she was saying last night when she said she didn't want to move out and that she wasn't ready. She commented that she wanted to make sure when she moved out that she wasn't just crashing on a friends couch and annoying her friend's family (which leads me to believe that her friend offered difficult child her couch without running it by her mom first!).

    So, we're going to sit with difficult child this afternoon and go over all this with her and see what her response is. She officially starts her bew job at Dicks on Monday. I am mostly okay with H & my compromise. I'm still iffy about my feelings over difficult child staying here (other than I love her, of course), but I do agree that a stronger start would be best. However, I am more sure that she needs to fall flat on her @ss in order to learn the truth of her poor choices. H, on the other hand, feels she needs to take "baby steps" (will she though?). I am trying to be positive and hopeful that H is on to something with the 3-month plan. I suppose that I am appeasing H moreso than difficult child in this scenario. It's so ironic - I wonder if difficult child realizes that because of H (her stepdad whom she has resented the past few years) she may get this millionth chance. The guy she's been so mean to and who loves her so much is the only reason she's still here. Wowow.

    So. I don't really know what else to say, except I feel like a $ucker. Who knows, maybe this time.....stranger things have happened, right? I know, $ucker. H really wants me to go along with this.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911


    The only thing I can tell you that I know in our similar situation of having difficult child at home from the group home/jail stint - is that EACH and EVERY single time we have gone over the rules - and difficult child nods in acceptance it takes less than 72 beats of his heart for him to "forget". And we've been on him like syrup on griddle cakes - and I mean it. We are bud-nipping in the extreme.

    I would have thought given past history with difficult child that this constant picking (at a very matter of fact type tone of voice) as in IT IS MY HOUSE AND YOU WILL GO LIVE SOMEWHERE ELSE AND SHOULD THANK ME FOR BEING A PARENTAL MYNAH BIRD ABOUT THE RULES - actually has had it's benefits.

    My fingers are crossed for you - history vs. baby steps usually has history being the winner so I'm saying a little prayer for you each day that your difficult child "gets it" this time.

    I told my son that he can just plan on me repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating things because I'm not going to let stuff pile up and then blow up - we are handing things one minute at a time - he seems to actually be more responsive to being corrected THAT moment. So I dunnoh.

    I'm crossed up like a big top revival for us all.
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm hoping that her realizing she has no skills to live on her own and that it scared her sticks. Fear can be an awesome motivator. Maybe once the honeymoon wears off (and we all know it probably will eventually) a gentle reminder about her being scared to be on her own will snap her out of it.

    Hard to tell.

    I'm impressed she confessed she's not ready to live on her own yet. Baby step there. (as long as she remembers it)

    I like how when she decided she was staying that you pointed out that the situation has actually little to do with HER but how/what you will allow in your house and the family to endure. Puts a new perspective on it for difficult child. Never know, that might just nag at her a bit. lol

    Nichole and I had a similar talk a while ago. I "think" it stuck. At least I'm seeing moves toward independence lately. Now if I can just get her to realize she DOES NOT need to depend on boyfriend for that independence I'll have struck a homerun. lol

    I'll keep my fingers crossed for ya, but I think having a deadline is a good idea.

  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Maybe you said this and I didn't see. I'm on my first cuppa HMJ, so who knows? If in the three months she's back to her same old self is she out on her hiney anyway? I think you are on the right track. I think husband seems oblivious to reality. Personally, I'd want her to understand that while we are trying to help her get her first month's rent and a plan together, we wouldn't do it at any further sacrifice to our peace. First snotty tirade she has and her stuff is on the lawn and I'm changing the keys, the garage and alarm codes.

    Maybe I'm hard-hearted, or just worn out from my own thing with M. But weren't you spending the past x number of years getting her ready to be her own woman with her own house? This seems like going above and beyond on your part. I don't doubt at all that she knows that she has manipulated husband into her corner. Whether she appreciates it, I don't know. I would probably have given in to the two of them in your situation as well. But your harder sell, for my money, is your H. He needs to be just as well sold on "Plan B", and he needs to have to backbone to implement it. Or at least not interfere.

    Big hugs, girlfriend. been there done that, ain't going again.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yes, Witz, you're right on the money, and no, I don't think I mentioned the consequences in my first post.

    If difficult child pulls a disappearing act and starts pulling crud, yes, she is out. She knows that much already, I made sure to say that part. H knows it too.

    Regarding H and getting him to see what I see, my plan is to not skip a thing - he will know everything I know, he will get reports each and every time she pulls something, there will be no covering or lying or sneaking anything by him. I became so used to his apathetic attitude about helping me with difficult child, that I gave up and as a result he missed out on some of her shenanigans. Anyway, from here on in he will be in the 'know'. He will know things he never wanted to know. I already told him some things last night that I thought I had told him, but apparently I did not. He needs to understand the reasons why I am at the end of my rope and be as outraged as me before we can truly be united on this.

    I want my life back pre-difficult child. I want my marriage back...we truly need to rediscover things about ourselves that were muddied and lost through the "difficult child years". H knows this. I used it in my defense the other night. I told him flat out that it's "our turn" now. His heart skipped a beat I think, lol.
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I really, really hope that she has seen the light. But the cynic in me is saying that these are the same things she agreed to when she begged to come home from your DEX's house.

    And we all know how that went.

    We gave my difficult child a second chance and we ended up with the same old, same old. We made her leave again when I found her stash of pot in her bedroom.

    She really only started growing up when she was forced to be on her own (with some financial assistance from us for big things like car repairs). However, she has made great strides (and taken some backward baby steps at times). Of course, she is older than your difficult child so some of it may just be maturity.

    I will keep my fingers and toes crossed that your difficult child means it this time. You do deserve peace and quiet in your own home.

  7. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    Sending hugs to you. :) We all do what we have too when we are ready. :) and we all reach that point at different times. :)

    I am hoping, rattling, praying that your difficult child really means the words that come out of her mouth but only time will tell and actions will reveal the truth. You do have a backup plan and really that is all any of us can do. :)

    It is good that you are keeping husband in the loop. How else can he make an educated decision about difficult child? I know sometimes I was just too worn out to fill my husband in on all the bs that was going on and then he really couldn't understand my frustration. :( Then I started telling all.... and my frustration became his and the rest is history. :)

    Hugs to you my friend.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thank you again for all the support.

    Although I know it's a false sense of security, I feel better having this plan in place WITH H. I also know that we won't really know how things will go until we move through the next 3 months. I also know that when it comes time to stick by our plan that H will feign ignorance, but, what can I do about that now?

    difficult child called last night when she was on her way home, 15 minutes to her due curfew - or, at least what she THINKS is her curfew. In reviewing her contract from back in Nov, I noticed that it says 11:30 on weeknights....she thinks it's 11PM.

    She saw her DR yesterday and apparently difficult child has lost 20lbs in less than 2 months. Her DR told her she is in danger of becoming malnourished and MUST force herself to eat at least 2 balanced meals each day. When difficult child told me this, I said, "okay, then you know what you need to do to stay healthy" and nothing more. Oh, how I could have gone on, but chose not to.

    One day at a time.
  9. Blondie

    Blondie New Member

    Dear JoG

    I have been just exactly where you are, and I do mean EXACTLY.

    Sometimes the most exhausting, serenity-shattering part of the entire situation(s), including any Behavioural Contract we are trying to put in place with-our difficult children, is Putting One In Place For The husband!! Arrgh.

    My husband folds like a house of cards.

    Admittedly, I have been known to do likewise, especially when it involves difficult child's health and safety. With the unfortunate and in fact nearly-intolerable result that we have paid all of her expenses and all of her "woops!"-es, ever since she moved out. If I had known then what I know now, I would have put my dainty size 8-or-9 foot not only DOWN, but probably up a few backsides as well.

    Be prepared for the "Divide and Conquer" tactics to go into effect sooner rather than later.

    Be strong honey. And Don't let H pull the wool over your eyes either! lol

    But ~sigh~ it does get tiresome having to be The Enforcer all the time, no?

    Many hugs & much empathy,

    Blondie, still wearing that T-shirt:furious: