Shell shocked Aunty and its only been two and a half weeks

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by aunty, Jun 4, 2013.

  1. aunty

    aunty New Member

    Hi, I am new. Three weeks ago I would have never imagined the path my life has recently taken. I am an Aunty not a parent but I am for now the acting parent to my niece.
    We ( my husband and I ) recently "inherited" my niece in an effort to get her to a safe place to be and on the so called right track. I am now beginning to think my love and actions for her was very naive beit well intentioned. I had no idea it would be like this.
    In her hometown.....The niece was into drugs and booze. She began a new job and after only one day thought she had made brilliant new friends in one of her workmates a pregnant female ............ so she went back to the new friend's place after work the same evening and seemingly all got on like a house on fire....booze and drugs were involved. The there was talk of going somewhere for either food, drinks or something else possibly more the niece went with the two men of the house ( sent out by the new female friend and wife/girlfriend of one of the men ) ................she was then taken to a property, threatened with a gun, taken to a van in the middle of a field on a farm , van had a mattress in it and she was raped by the two men.......they returned her to the original house she was out and then made out like she was a great friend of theirs and wouldnt deliver her home till the next afternoon. Her mind was reeling with confusion...she knew she had been raped by two men but they were also suddenly treating her like a mate again and back to new found friends etc. The pregnant female had set her up in exchange for drugs.
    Once she was home and the rape was discovered by her father ( my brother ) she was taken to hos[ital for tests etc. She was too scared to go to police as it turns out these guys were heavy duty drug dealers ( ones brother was in jail, for murder and the one whose brother was in jail for murder was also involved in a disappearance of someone a very sinister situation but no proof so he still ran free ) things got a bit scary. Then the rapists/drug dealers were trying to get my niece to come back to work and get a further hold on her. Police have been very hesitant in acting and it seems are on the take ....
    This is where we came in and my brother brought her to us for safety reasons. Far enough away to be safe from those looking for her.
    Barely a day went by after my brother left for home and she put herself on a meeting place thing on the internet predator latched onto her within moments trying to meet up. Later that night she went missing........we found ourselves driving the streets looking for her 2am-ish....found a 4 wheel drive parked in a funny place and knew...just knew she was in that car. So we parked with our headlights on full beam into that vehicle until she got out and ran for home.
    Now the shortened version of subsequent events is
    **suicide attempts, doctor advising committal to psychiatric ward at nearby town, brother and mother wouldnt allow....more sleepless nights for aunty on both suicide watch and talking to her all hours of the night and day trying to keep her from harm and talk sense into her,
    **her possible seeking out drugs by going to nearby parks all too often
    ** forming quick and unusual attachments to newly discovered "friends" and going off with them and not letting us know where she was
    ** then came the test results from the rapes revealing she had contracted a STD, followed by a quick visit to her friend ( drugs and booze related friend ) and the next two days we experienced extremely odd behaviour which I feel was drug related although she swears not but she lies a heck of a lot so cant really believe much of what she says anymore .....found a mini plastic baggie in her room that I feel had crystal meth in it at some point and she most likely got from that friend the day she found out about her STD.
    ** then a new boyfriend but someone she once knew in her hometown. A good guy not into drugs...very anti drugs....and not all that into booze either
    ** she lands a job a pretty good one where she wont be tending bar and access to again booze and drugs but caring for aged people.
    ** Night before she began work ( after after two weird nights of possible drug use ) she hits the booze....totally legless, rip roaring drunk. We think maybe nerves about the job...and let it slide. Next night the same and then she takes off into the night with another newly found "friend" swearing to send us the address so we know where she is ...she doesnt send the address and comes home even worse for wear than when she left .....tripped up the steps getting into the house, cant stand and cant even hold her head up....totally blind drunk. I let her have it with both barrells...told her I was not impressed and she had work the next day. Next day they sent her home from work "sick" but she was obviously still under the jeopardising her job.
    ** She got us to drop her off to the next town to be with her boyfriend but I felt something was up...thats she was lying and she was also acting strangely....gone fri night till tuesday morning
    Turns out she wasnt with him at all expect for one night before she came home....she was off with her friend who does the drugs and booze. She didnt eat for days but admitted to two bottles of spirits and i suspect some drugs were used
    She flipped when she saw her bedroom had altered...I had removed her bedding for washing and she must have assumed her room had been searched for whatever and she phoned my brother saying I had trashed her room....I hadnt . Trashed is how she left it and was treating the room.

    she and the boyfriend have split up

    so here we are...feeling quite shell shocked....
    I have a niece who has been held at gunpoint, kidnapped and raped ....given a STD, threatening suicide at every turn, hates herself ( and this goes back years not just due to recent events ) is paranoid constantly, not eating for days then eating everything in sight, not sleeping, wandering the house in the middle of the night, texting and phoning various people 24 hours a day, not caring what happens to her or what she does to anyone else, lying all day every day about everything, stating she cannot function without alcohol, and possibly still taking drugs when they can be provided to her. She says she cannot talk to or meet new people without being drunk when she does or they wont like her.

    I am losing sleep, I cannot work, I cannot leave her alone in the house, I cannot leave her alone at home if we have to go anywhere, trust has gone out the window, I cant believe her anymore, I am having to hide any household booze, and any prescription drugs in case. I cant send her home as she isnt safe where she used to live....those men came to her previous home looking for her and parked down the end of the street in various vehicles waiting for her to show up ( in her home town not here ) . My brother is also battling issues with his wifes health and mental health issues as well and is struggling to cope.
    We have no crisis counsellors in this town, we have AA but I am guessing not relating to young people....if she goes into the psychiatric ward due to suicide intentions she will be voluntary and able to get straight back out and run and she will be in another town..... we are all at our wits end and mentally , financially and physically bankrupt with so little left in reserve.............. I sleep some nights in a chair near her bedroom case I obviously am not getting quality sleep either.
    Tomorrow I will look for a psychologist/ counsellor if there is one and see what they can advise re counselling thinking any kind is better than none.

    I am an aunty in crisis......its affecting my health. I cant send her home...she wont be safe....I have to try and get through.....I have to get her on the right path............ any help gratefully received
    Last edited: Jun 4, 2013
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow aunty, that is quite a story. You have taken on a great deal in trying to help your niece. I may have missed it but how old is she? I am not at all familar with australian law or what services you have available so I'm not sure anything I say will be of any benefit.

    My first reaction was that the men who took her to the field and raped her were dealing in the sex trade, get her addicted to powerful drugs and dependant on them and then treat her nice at times so she doesn't want to leave. Here in the states I would have reported it to the police immediately and they would have taken action. Those men would have been arrested and whatever drug ring they were in would be investigated.

    If she is a minor I would have send her to a residential drug treatment program, but I don't know if you have those there and what your process is. It sounds like she may be on heroin or some other very serious drug. I'm sure she thought you found her stash and that's why she was upset. Even more reason to search that room completely.

    Can you give us some more information as to her age and what services are available in australia? Your niece definitely needs some serious help, she isn't going to stop this on her own.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Yes, professional help is definitely needed!!!
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What a caring, loving aunty you are!

    Unfortunately, this young woman is way too troubled for you to fix. I think also that she needs some sort of residential treatment and, for your own safety (you don't want dangerous people coming to your house) it is best not to have her live with you in the long run. Hate to be skeptical, but if she was raped twice...would she want to go on an internet dating service? Not saying she wasn't...would never say that...but in my opinion it's odd. Also, the STD could have been from any time if she is sexually active and careless. She needs to learn to love and respect herself more and make safer choices!

    Hugs and good luck!
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Glad you found us and sure hompe we can be of help. Chances are we won't be able to "solve" the problems but you will be able to rely on our loyalty to you. Consider us your new BFF's because we are a caring group of strangers who often come to the CD family to share thoughts and problems and issues freely with-o fear of wagging tongues.

    I, too, am very curious as to her age. Also wonder what MH issues run in the family AND if she has ever been diagnosis'd by a qualified medical professional. Share more with us and we'll try to be of help. Welcome. DDD
  6. aunty

    aunty New Member

    I am sorry. I meant to add her age and realised after posting.
    She is 21 but acting 13. So many people including her parents say " well she's 21 what can you do ? " but since she acts 13 and hasnt a care in the world about what happens to her I have decided to treat her like 13 with appropriate restrictions. this may come back to bite me in the backside but time will tell. You can be stuck between a rock and a hard place treading that fine line between exploding trying to get through to her or reasoning. Reasoning we have found works for only 5-10 mins after you have spoken with her and she will only hear what she wants to.
    Its obvious after yesterdays blow up that she doesnt feel sorry about anything she puts us through, and all of it is aimed at making us so pi$$ed off that she gets sent home to be with her "friends" every one of whom is into drugs and booze in order to relate to each other.
    Again she cant be sent home and the only time I will give up is when I either have no more to give or it affects my health and well being in a bigger way.
    YES she could well have caught that STD in another way and it was picked up in the tests for the rape, and if so I have no sympathy for the rapists as they will have it now. It wasnt an internet dating service she got onto....but a meeting place for "friends" locally. She seems so desperate for "friends" and too willing to accept just anyone and put them into the "friend" category. On the other hand she says she cant make new friends unless she is
    As far as what other mental health issues run in the family....we can only go by her mother who does have mental health issues.....depression for both mother and daughter. Recently the mother was trying to get my niece to commit suicide with her....the mother made one attempt to run the car off the road with both of them in it. The mother also has a cache of pills of my dead fathers that she was researching to use in this planned double suicide mother and daughter thing she was trying to do before all this happened and we inherited my niece.
    My brothers genetics dont come into my niece's situation as she was a child by donor due to fertility whoever the sperm donor was we dont was done through fertility clinic in the appropriate anything could be a part of her genetic make up.
    My sister in law has also the whole time I have known her been heavily dependant on drugs and doctors. The two children were raised in pills and medication for everything and from a young age would climb a chair and medicate themselves from the medicine cabinet. My brother is a drinker and my niece has followed his lead and example. Her dad has been a drinking buddy.
    My niece thinks she is ugly and no amount of telling her different will make her see it any other way. She is not ugly, but as a drunk I couldnt say the same.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Have you ever looked up borderline personality disorder?
  8. aunty

    aunty New Member

    Thankyou very much MidwestMom....having just read through some of what you suggested it fits 100% so i will do some more research on that. Much appreciated :)
  9. soapbox

    soapbox Member

    Attachment disorder, maybe?
  10. aunty

    aunty New Member

    Todays fury....there was some error for her first pay in her new job and they didnt pay her and said has to wait till next fortnights fury......threats to throw the job away....led to wanting a trip back home no matter how unsafe it would be .....then when plans for that didnt work out ....she went all calm. Too calm I told my husband ....something is about to happen. Then her father ( my brother ) calls me and tells me she is again suicidal and he is really worried this time. Usually he brushes it off as a bluff but now he's worried . I am on suicide watch again. BUT I did draw her attention to the article Midwest Mom supplied as we all recognise how well it fits her and hope she will see the merit in a dr visit and referral to a mental health doctor ...........she is currently reading up on borderline personality disorder.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I know you love her and want to 'fix' her, but you are in WAY WAY WAY over your head. Get YOURSELF to a professional counsellor who treats addiction and the FAMILY of addicts. Educate yourself about addiction and get OUT of this cycle.

    If seh is a danger to self or others, get her to a psychiatric hospital REGARDLESS of what her dad and mom say. She is an adult and so are you. You will NOT help her by staying up all night on 'suicide atch'. That is for PROFESSIONALS. One thing professionals KNOW is that you do NOT NOT NOT NOTNOT treat a family member.

    This entire situation is bizarre and very very codependent. You ALL need therapists and AA/NA family groups to help you see that by doing all you do, you are lovingyour niece to death. You cannot fix her. Or the situation. Or her parents. Or anyone but yourself.

    Please bring the professionals into this, and if her folks object to psychiatric treatment, let them move to your area or wherever is safe and let THEM change their entire lives to be codependent with her and to do the suicide watch etc...

    FYI, she is an addict. You KNOW she is lying if her lips are moving. You will end up SHOCKED at the sheer volume and cruelty of the lies in this story she has fed you and her folks. You will wonder how on EARTH anyone cuold tell such lies to get out of consequences for bad choices. NOT syaing she was not raped, etc.. but it IS a possiblilty (yes, I am cycnical, but been there done that way too many times).

    Threats of suicide should ALWAYS be taken seriously and be evaluated by a PROFESSIONAL and not an Aunty who stays up all night to do an untrained suicide watch. Please do not let this continue with your partcipatin.
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Please read the first entry in the Parent Emeritus Forum. The topic is Detachment and it is very important. Honestly it is not possible for a loving family member to overcome the power of substance abuse and MH issues. Really! All of us have tried and even when you are the parent who has been there's impossible with-o help. Hugs DDD
  13. aunty

    aunty New Member

    I just want to say the most sincere thankyou to all of you....and I so appreciate your advice and good sound words and I really am listening. To Suziestar I have to say I totally get what you are saying and I am experiencing all of this right now. For all that we have done to try and help her all she has done in return is sh*t on us from a great height, use us up, stress us out to the max and every single word out of her mouth is a lie. She has been game playing and has been telling some gigantic fanciful stories to my brother making me out to be some kind of tyrant. Today I overheard her telling my brother on the phone that I go through her room every day searching it ( I dont ) and that I took a bottle of tequila out of her room today..........none of which is true. She was bussed home to her parents on the weekend as they thought poor thing needed a break. its was poor us that needed the break and we found ourselves wishing and hoping she would stay and not return. But she came back and just five minutes into the car trip after collecting her from the train station she was threatening to jump out of the moving car. Fed up at this point I told her to go right ahead. She didnt. So now my brother says its his daughter and he believes her after telling me she can lie right to your face....when it comes to the crunch he believes her over us.
    She also lost her job....she says because she was hired on only to replace a worker on holidays but I am well aware she has been just as much of a strain on her workplace as she has been on us....
    I told my brother he should come collect her as I have done all I can and then some and all she does is sh*t all over us. Enough i enough. I am beginning to think we got her as some kind of a break for my brother who couldnt cope
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes brother needs to come pick her up. How dare he send her to you with all these problems and then not back you up.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Big amen, Nancy. Big amen.

    To aunty though. It is actually a GOOD thing that she is at least interested in reading about borderline. If she had no interest or denied it, there is no chance she would change. It is NOT easy and requires very, very intensive therapy and working very hard. I hope she does the hard work it takes to learn how to control her back and f orth emotions. Dialectal Behavioral Therapy is awesome for borderline!

    Having said that, you still can't fix her. She has to fix herself. But I do appreciate the love in your heart. I am very angry at your brother.
  16. aunty

    aunty New Member

    Update................ I told my brother to come and get her. He then allowed her to travel by train north to the city supposedly to become a problem for an elderly uncle of ours. I hope the uncle knows what he's in for but I doubt he will get full disclosure....he is old and has had bypass heart surgery and I dont think its fair he now is the next victim. I say victim because I am now well aware we were used by my brother, by my niece as she used us so she could get her own way. Not long after leaving she posted on facebook thats she was free, out on her own now, no longer under anyones thumb, had got what she wanted and to watch this space. 24 hrs later she still had not shown up at our uncles so maybe thats a blessing for dear old uncle. My brother is working away for a few days so if she has gone missing in the city it will be awhile before he can go in search of her. But it is no longer my problem and she has blocked me from her facebook page. Left behind in her room is an item of clothing she rigged up off a hook on the back of her door as a noose. Tightened off as it would be if a weight was in it and makeup stains around the noose neck area.........real suicide attempt gone wrong ? or a set up for aunty to relate to her dad and then make me out to be a liar ....who knows ? I havent told him.
    But I do know she was too daft to know that the hook on the door wouldnt have supported her dead weight, the noose was tied off too low down the door to work, and the fabric she chose was stretchy and again wouldnt have worked....she would have had to sit on the floor for it too work. The drugs and booze have certainly killed off a number of brain cells :(
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm very glad for you. Your brother is a piece of work, but the uncle does not have to keep her if she does eventually show up. It is his decision now. I hope she just doesn't show up. He doesn't sound well enough to handle her.

    I wouldn't try to figure out what her message is. It was pretty sick, and that should be reenforcement that she is too damaged for anyone to fix. She needs to fix herself or she won't get fixed.

    I'm so glad she is no longer with you. Now go live your life :)