She's all H's

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Jan 29, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    H and I talked at dinnertime last night and I told him how I feel about the difficult child stuff, e.i., non compliance with her contract, staying out, getting stoned, not leaving notes, not calling, using our home as a flophouse, etc. I could see he was stunned when I said that I didn't really care if difficult child moved out. It is okay with me if she leaves. I can't take the strain anymore.

    H had that deer caught in the headlights look on his face and part of me felt like a bad mother, but I can't help how I feel. She either has to shape up or go. H is going to talk with her this evening (if I can figure out a way to make her come home for dinner so he can ambush her) as I will be out at a women's meeting I have (if I'm up to it). She's all his now. I can't even be in the house when they talk because I know I will pipe in and I don't even want to be a part of it. Just knowing that he's going to talk with her makes me feel better and I feel like a small load has been lifted. I mean, he doesn't always say what I would say and sometimes he starts out strong and then fades, and usually difficult child starts freaking out before he's even one sentence in, but at least it's him and not me. I just don't have the strength.

    I have no idea what will happen, but you know, I think she knows the end is near.
  2. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Not sure of all the history here, but my thinking is husband hasn't dealt with the day to day stuff and he probably thinks things were going better than they were. You on the other hand have reached your limit with difficult child. He just isn't there yet. Sounds as if you are smart to let him handle it, but I would turn over all to him and "let it smack him in the face". Think about a two week (at least) vacation out of the home with him in charge. Maybe then he could see why you are where you are at........again, you may have already tried this so just know that we are thinking of you and sending strength to get you thru "rough" times........have soooooo been where you are at!
  3. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Good for you Jo, for stepping away.
    Sounds like you've reached your limit, and H needs to step in and deal with your difficult child for a while.

    I do like WMM's suggestion. A break for you, a chance for your H to deal with the daily grind of difficult child-dom, and time for your difficult child to realize that you're serious about what you say.

    Sending positive thoughts and strength
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    WMM, We have never tried it long term, only short term. You're right, H doesn't see the day to day stuff. All of our paths cross, but there is a lot of miscommunication or lost communication, so he doesn't know every little thing. And it's not because I keep things from him, it's because of the schedules, he falls asleep earlier than anyone and she comes in late and he's working on weekends, etc. He used to drive her to school every morning so they were able to catch up that way each day and they actually grew close, but since then, not too much contact has taken place.

    I would love to leave for 2 weeks for more reasons than this one. Hahah!

    I think for now, we will see how their chat goes and take it from there. I just can't get into the role of referee as I have in the past between them. I hate that more than anything.

    Thanks for your good wishes.
  5. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Just a suggestion.... have husband have a plan of what he wants to say to difficult child. Crib notes, so to speak.
    Also if I want difficult child's undivided attention, we go for a ride. Usually a highway at 60 miles an hour with the doors locked. They can't run away or get distracted.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks Fran! I suggested H take her for a ride and perhaps stop and get something to eat later. I also go for a ride if I have something serious to talk about and I don't want my daughter to run off! Haha.

    Re the crib notes. I don't know if H will do that if I suggest it, but what the he//, I will. I usually have notes with me when I'm discussing something important. He knows what he wants to say, but I know that once difficult child is confronted she starts squalling like a stuck pig so he may become befuddled and lose his train of thought...but you know, I have taken a step back and so they have to figure it out.
  7. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Jo---it's time to really sharpen those detachment skills. She will be able to make it outside of your home---maybe not the life you dreamed she would have---but...
    difficult child left here in Dec. to attend school in another city---he's about an hour away, but that's enough distance that he is not a constant disturbance. His calls are pleasant. We do help support him, but only because he is going to school full-time, and our support is minimal. He knows if he wants any extras he will have to work---and he has actually been trying to find a job!!! Let her go. It's time for her to see how good she has had it.

    PS--It only took my easy child 4 days to come to her senses when I "cut" her off completely.
    But, that is the difference between a easy child and difficult child!
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I love the car trip so they can't get away thing. :rofl: That is absolutely brilliant! I'll keep it in mind myself for the future.

    Jo I'm glad husband is gonna take this one for you. You need a break. And maybe if he can manage to get it out, difficult child will listen since it' coming from him this time.

    My husband is too much a man of extremes to just hand things over like that. Sure wish I could sometimes, though.

  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    My H can be very heavy handed and if difficult child starts in with her hitrionics, he may very well lose it and nothing will be accomplished. But at this point, I am too tired to give a rat' know what.

    Car rides have always served me well over the years. It's where I explained the birds and bees, periods, sex, STD's, everything, you name it. easy child got al squirmy, so it was the only way. And difficult child, well no matter what I tried to talk about with her she'd cover her ears and hum. Seriously, easy child took ME for a drive to tell me when she had sex for the first time!!! Hahahaha~
  10. Star*

    Star* call 911

    :bow:FRAN .....THAT is genius! AND hysterical!
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Jo -

    Just remember to put her IN the car! NOT attached to the hood!

    Thinking of you!