She's driving me crazy

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Zinnia, Apr 10, 2017.

  1. Zinnia

    Zinnia New Member

    Hi im new, my daughter is a recovering heroin addict. She has driven me crazy for the past year. She has been clean of heroin, but continues to abuse, mistake medications, including the over the counter kind. She is a hyprochondriac and she is very selfish. I sent her out of state to stay with an elderly uncle who needed her help and lived in the middle of nowhere. Keep in mind she is 31 years old, but after she left her husband last year and came to stay with me and my boyfriend, (her father is dead). She about destroyed my relationship, and I spent every penny I earned last summer( I am a horticulturist and have my own business) on her and her stupid anti heroin medications. By august my boyfriend and I could not take anymore and told her she had to find a job and get out on her own. She is college educated. She got a job a few hours away to our great relief. I took her their several times to help her find a roomate, and do all the HR stuff, I paid her rent etc. etc. etc. her roomate kicked her out within two weeks and she lost her job. Out of desperation I asked my uncle for his help, he lives alone and is on a farm in the country. He accepted her flaws and all, and was just happy to have the company. They got along well, then she just packed up and came back. She has lived with he long time friend for about three weeks, her friends husband kicked her out last night. She called me to demand that I pick her up, I was tired and it was late so I told her no, she would have to deal with it. She has called me several times today and I refuse to answer the phone, I finally texted her that I was busy, and she needed to fix her own life. I feels so guilty but I can't keep this up! She screams and yells at me when I won't give her what she wants (even if I can't) She threatens me with suicide.
    She refuses to look for work saying she wants to find the perfect job, and when I pay her to work with me she does fine for a couple of days, then starts arguing with me at my customers home, then she is to sick to work for the next three days, I can't count on her! I love her but what am I suppose to do? I'm just sick over this.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Welcome and sorry you have to be here.

    Your daughter is 31 years old. Holy cow. You need to stop it all right now and live your life. My son is 21 and we are trying to pry his fingers off of us ourselves and force him to be independent!!!

    From what you said she is totally CAPABLE of being stable but chooses not to. You need to detach and that is hard but you must let her learn to count on HERSELF and herself only! It has nothing to do with love. If love could fix it, none of us would be here!!

    More will be along to offer their advice but in the meantime read this as many times as you need to:

    What is detachment?

    Detachment is the:
    * Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
    * Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
    * Giving another person "the space" to be himself.
    * Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
    * Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
    * Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
    * Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
    * Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
    * Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
    * Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
    * Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
    * Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
    * Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
    * Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

    What are the negative effects not detaching?

    If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
    * Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
    * Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
    * Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
    * Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
    * Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
    * Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
    * Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
    * Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
    * Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
    * Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
    * Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
    * Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

    How is detachment a control issue?

    Detachment is a control issue because:
    * It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "focus of control."
    * If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
    * The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
    * If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
    * You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
    * You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
    * You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
    * You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," over-dependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
    * If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
    * By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
    * Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
    * It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

    What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?

    * If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
    * They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
    * What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
    * You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
    * They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
    * You need them as much as they need you.
    * You can't control yourself because every day you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
    * They have so many problems, they need you.
    * Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.
    * If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
    * How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
    * Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
    * You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
    * The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
    * If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.
    * When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
    * When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
    * When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
    * You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
    * You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
    * You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.
    * No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
    * Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.
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  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I agree with RN 100%. 300%. Just because this grown women demands you do something doesnt mean you have to. She has a college education. She wants that perfect job? If she were mine she wouldnt be looking for it under my roof. She'd work, do chores and act with respect at all times or she'd live elsewwhere or nowhere. At 31 she is not that cute little girl who once adored you. She is taller, with a womans figure and is capable of giving birth. Dont think of her as a little girl. She isnt.

    One last tip that worked for me. Every time she threatens suicide call 911. Just do it. That is cruel, scary and out of your realm. Bet she will stop the threats.

    Look up borderline personality disorder. See if she is similar. If so buy the book Walking on Eggshells by Randi Krieger. I also highly recommend Codependent No More by Melody Beattie and Boundaries by Cloud and Townstead. The latter has a Christian slant, but if that doesnt apply to to you, skip that part and read the rest. It will still glean wisdom. You need to learn boundaries to protect yourself. You need to learn to say no.

    Take care!!
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    Last edited: Apr 10, 2017
  4. Zinnia

    Zinnia New Member

    OMG, thats the best advice I've ever gotten. All I get from the counselors is that she is doing so well. I tell them she is a nightmare when she is with me and they look at me like I have three heads. Thank you so much, you are right, I have supplied her with enough life skills she should be able to take care of herself. I am going to read the list you sent me over and over! I want my life back!
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  5. Zinnia

    Zinnia New Member

  6. Zinnia

    Zinnia New Member

    She has recently been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar 1. I will get these books. I will call 911 every time she threatens it from now on, she is aware that my brother killed himself many years ago, and I think she threatens it to manipulate me. It works, scares the crap out of me. She also threatens " I just as well go stick a needle in my arm" ugh. I had a thought the other night, almost an acceptance, that if she kills herself, I will have to accept it, just as I have accepted other losses in my life! I keep telling myself "this to shall pass" But I don't think I really believe it! But if I can't figure this out, (my own mind), I'm going to be the one in the nut house!
  7. Zinnia

    Zinnia New Member

    Thanks ya'all. Its hard for me to talk to my boyfriend and my other daughter because they are so angry at her. I just need some sensible advice and a sounding board. so glad I found you!!!
  8. Catmom

    Catmom Member

    Zinnia....hello! Yes, sometimes it is hard to talk to others about how we feel. Does anyone other than the ppl on this site ever totally get what we are saying or feeling? Another thought about your daughter, she has to learn to be responsible for herself as you may not be around or healthy enough to take care of her forever.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Given her behavior, I don't buy that she is clean. She may not be on heroin, but she is on something. If those counselors think she is doing so great, why don't they take her home with them?

    Yes, why counselors have given me THAT look when I have said my son was not doing well and they acted like some stupid cheerleader and said "Oh, but he is doing SO GOOD", I have 100% told them they were welcome to take him home with them to see his behaviors for themselves.

    Funny, but not a single, solitary one of them ever did. Not one. Ever. They all looked at me like something was wrong with ME for saying something was wrong with him. Generally that is when I started looking for a new therapist or doctor because I knew this one had no dang sense.

    You know something is wrong with your daughter, that her behavior is wrong. That she is a grown woman who is in the wrong. Where were you in life at age 31? I bet it was not waiting for Mommy to come and get you to fix your life. I bet you had kids and a career and a life. I bet you were using the tools you had gotten for yourself and were making your way in the world.

    Your daughter is making her way in the world to. She is screaming and wailing until someone fixes all her messes and treats her like a little princess and she doesn't have to work a full week a month. She has learned how to get out of it by manipulating everyone around her by having hissy fits and playing games. It is time to let her live in her own messes and stop fixing things for her. It is time for you to enjoy your life, do what you want to do, and enjoy the fruits of your own labors. You work hard, and have for a very long time. there is no reason to waste your work on a person who wants to not work. Let her go and not work out on the streets until she gets tired of that and chooses to pull her life together and use the brain in her head and her college education to get a job and support herself. Until then, and until she can behave like a reasonable human being with reasonable boundaries, she doesn't need to be around you.

    Read the recommended books. They will change your life. Go to AlAnon or NarcAnon Family Group Meetings. They will change your life. Addiction is a family illness. The whole family is ill. I know. My grandfather was an alcoholic. My brother is an alcoholic, thankfully in recovery. AlAnon changed my life, helped me be a better person, wife, mother, friend and human being.
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  10. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She may not be using heroin but she is still very much an addict.
    You are in a very co-dependent relationship. I recognize it because I was in one with my daughter, too. I needed the help of two years of therapy to learn that I was in one and how to set and stick to firm boundaries.

    Your daughter has a college degree and the ability to earn a living. It is not your job to be her emotional or financial support. Suggest a therapist for her emotional problems and back away.

    I know it is hard to detach but it is truly freeing when you extract yourself from the emotional chaos our troubled loved ones bring into our lives.

  11. Zinnia

    Zinnia New Member

    I am reading the first book I ordered, walking on eggshells, thank all of you for your great advice, I'm starting to detatch and its allready had some positive benefits. Thank you so much for telling me of your experience with the counselors and therapists, I don't feel like I'm the crazy one now. Nothing worse than trying to tell councelors, therapists and Doctors that she is still abusing something and all they would do is look at me like I was the crazy one, of course I found later that she was taking my nuvigil, which is a substance I take periodically for narcelepsy, So she is not doing as great as they tell me she is doing and I'm tired of getting looked at like I'm some crazy :censored2:. I'm done with her. As soon as I told her I wasn't helping her any more, (and did not) she started filling out applications for group homes. (I also put my medication in a lock box) I'm so happy for everyone advice, whats left of my family won't even discuss her, or my feelings about her, so I have no one else to turn to. Thanks everyone, for sharing your nightmares with me, and allowing me to share mine.