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Parent Emeritus
She's Gone Again...and I'm okay...for now
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 653317" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I'm sorry. I know you wanted something different from this time. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ouch.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Wherever she is staying, you will need to take precautions.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You have sacrificed so much for this child ~ even the peace and safety of your home. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It could be that when that time comes, you will have become familiar with detachment parenting. You are here with us now. Our stories will help you learn a different way of seeing and deciding how to proceed.</p><p></p><p>It is still going to be very hard.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is happening.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>It isn't going to make sense. You are in new territory with this child and the old rules don't apply. The only thing you can control is your own response. This is your time to learn all you can about how to do that. We need to learn how to respond to our children differently, and we need to learn how to cope with the pain. </p><p></p><p>And we need to learn to cherish our lives, in spite of the pain.</p><p></p><p>You have been through so much already with this child. You are doing so well.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>You did your best. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>There is often a genetic component to these kinds of behaviors. There can be a genetic component to addiction, too. When our kids are using, they turn into cruel, manipulative monsters. They say and do and believe things they never learned at home, and they run with vicious people. </p><p></p><p>I believe drug use affects the capacity for empathy. I think all those good feelings drugs bring on happen because the drug wrings the brain dry to create the high, creating nasty chemical imbalances. Nothing else explains the changes we see in our kids once they start using. As use slides into addiction, our children become almost unrecognizable to us.</p><p></p><p>My D H and I have been where you and your D H are.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry this is happening.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I wish you strength to come through this intact. I wish you compassion for yourself and for your D H. </p><p></p><p>There is nothing easy about what is happening to all of you ~ your child, too. If she could choose something different, I am sure she would.</p><p></p><p>But we have to see what is real, not what we wish were real.</p><p></p><p>You will find so many similarities in our stories. Seeing those similarities in the ways kids who are abusing drugs behave, in the ways they talk to and about us, in the things they tell us and the things they steal from us and a thousand other things will help you come to grips with all of it sooner. </p><p></p><p>This is not your fault.</p><p></p><p>This thing that is happening to your child has nothing to do with either of you, or with how she was raised.</p><p></p><p>If you (and I did not realize Done Dad was your D H) and your D H were not decent, concerned parents at the end of your ropes and willing to learn any smallest thing that might help, something you missed, some way to change this for your child, you would not have found and posted to us.</p><p></p><p>If there were a simple fix or even, a way to see clearly sooner or some way to identify where it could be that a parent goes wrong that results in a child fooling around with drugs and falling into addiction, the parents on this site would have found it by now. </p><p></p><p>What we did find is a way to survive it.</p><p></p><p>We found a way to love our kids and ourselves through it. </p><p></p><p>We have learned to say no to most things because, as near as we can tell from everything we share here, that is what is best for the child. You have heard talk about bringing the bottom up to help someone who is addicted or self-destructive in other ways. What we do here is try to get very clear about what exactly we need to see from the child before we will help.</p><p></p><p>That helps us not to help.</p><p></p><p>I am glad you are here. There are so many helpful things out there for us. Visit YouTube regarding parenting abusive or addicted kids. You will be surprised at what is out there.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 653317, member: 17461"] I'm sorry. I know you wanted something different from this time. Ouch. Wherever she is staying, you will need to take precautions. You have sacrificed so much for this child ~ even the peace and safety of your home. It could be that when that time comes, you will have become familiar with detachment parenting. You are here with us now. Our stories will help you learn a different way of seeing and deciding how to proceed. It is still going to be very hard. I am sorry this is happening. It isn't going to make sense. You are in new territory with this child and the old rules don't apply. The only thing you can control is your own response. This is your time to learn all you can about how to do that. We need to learn how to respond to our children differently, and we need to learn how to cope with the pain. And we need to learn to cherish our lives, in spite of the pain. You have been through so much already with this child. You are doing so well. You did your best. There is often a genetic component to these kinds of behaviors. There can be a genetic component to addiction, too. When our kids are using, they turn into cruel, manipulative monsters. They say and do and believe things they never learned at home, and they run with vicious people. I believe drug use affects the capacity for empathy. I think all those good feelings drugs bring on happen because the drug wrings the brain dry to create the high, creating nasty chemical imbalances. Nothing else explains the changes we see in our kids once they start using. As use slides into addiction, our children become almost unrecognizable to us. My D H and I have been where you and your D H are. I am so sorry this is happening. I wish you strength to come through this intact. I wish you compassion for yourself and for your D H. There is nothing easy about what is happening to all of you ~ your child, too. If she could choose something different, I am sure she would. But we have to see what is real, not what we wish were real. You will find so many similarities in our stories. Seeing those similarities in the ways kids who are abusing drugs behave, in the ways they talk to and about us, in the things they tell us and the things they steal from us and a thousand other things will help you come to grips with all of it sooner. This is not your fault. This thing that is happening to your child has nothing to do with either of you, or with how she was raised. If you (and I did not realize Done Dad was your D H) and your D H were not decent, concerned parents at the end of your ropes and willing to learn any smallest thing that might help, something you missed, some way to change this for your child, you would not have found and posted to us. If there were a simple fix or even, a way to see clearly sooner or some way to identify where it could be that a parent goes wrong that results in a child fooling around with drugs and falling into addiction, the parents on this site would have found it by now. What we did find is a way to survive it. We found a way to love our kids and ourselves through it. We have learned to say no to most things because, as near as we can tell from everything we share here, that is what is best for the child. You have heard talk about bringing the bottom up to help someone who is addicted or self-destructive in other ways. What we do here is try to get very clear about what exactly we need to see from the child before we will help. That helps us not to help. I am glad you are here. There are so many helpful things out there for us. Visit YouTube regarding parenting abusive or addicted kids. You will be surprised at what is out there. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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