yes you guys are right, she created total havoc the past year worse than ever, she also took a serious hit because when i left for portland the calls from her were so desperate for my attention. how can you leave me alone etc. she was really at a loss. yet what could i do there's just one of me? also let's face it to be really blunt and honest here it's taken me years to grow in learning how to handle little difficult child. it's that typical at first your just shocked and amazed at all the diagnosis's, you know the stages of it. denial, etc. easy child was there for all of it. i gotta be honest it was really bad before i found here, started hitting libraries learning about medications. you know the deal. also this isn't our first run with easy child, a year and a half ago she flew off the handle badly, punching walls, breaking things, running away caught her having sex in our home, was dating a drug dealer. we had to apply for services thru county to come into our home. we had no clue how to cope. than she calmed and here we are again.
also the fact is husband and i haven't been the tower of strength. we argue and i'd love to say never infront of the kids yet hey i'd be lying also. i had to sit back and say ok is my home dysfunctional. sounds silly yet yesterday i pondered alot of thoughts. i came up with no. i set rules for all kids, i'Tourette's Syndrome not a free for all, we have routines in place, i always welcome in outside help and advice, there is extended family that may not give all i'd like them to yet they are there adn almost always in contact with the children, we are in alot of ways a typical family. yet throw in 5 kids all with severe problems, a relationship struggling etc. and yea it's messy, real but messy.
husband is all over the board, as usual craving my attention during a time i'm just doing my own thing again. can't help it it's how i cope. i talk adn all yet i'm not into the let's spend time together thing. i function fairly well in these situations yet it'll take a few days to say ok let's bag the upsetment and move forward. my mark for that is tonight when difficult child comes home. today i'm already feeling a little less drama filled lol.
husband said in text, now these are his issues the man isnt' verbal. at all. he's not good with sharing his feelings. he sat there literally infront of me and said it's hard for me to say this so i have to text it lol. wow. i said i'm right here, no it's important i gotta text it. he went on to say al i wanna do is go to this kid's house pull easy child out, hug her, tell her to just please follow the rules, be there for her, be her dad if she'll let me, i love her, her and i are so alike in so many ways, be there at her graduation to take pics, rent the limo for her prom, see her smile when i hand her car keys for the first time when she's ready. i said thats' sweet you should tell her that not me.
than an hr later because i fell asleep he's going on about how i'm magnifying all of this. i've never seen him cope thru something of this magnitude. sure he blocked the ex, shes still blocked, sure he had to say good bye to his own kid on some level for a year. she stopped coming also more stress she was blowing up at our home something fierce years ago attacking me etc. so now after a year he's doing the once a mos take her to lunch thing.
hope this doesn't drive us further away than we were before. i told him we arent' losing her entirely, we'll still know her, she'll come by for dinner. it hurts yet maybe i can utilize this time and build upon it her and my relationship, straighten difficult child out. whoever said difficult child will think ahh i got rid of easy child, husband may be next than i have mom to myself. DEAD ON. i thought of just that yesterday. so the lines with her will now become slightly thicker.
either way its just been the hardest year i could of ever imagined happening for me personally. in one week i had a funeral and my kid leaving. they say whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
sat in backyard today with the dogs, our backyards a mess by the way and i looked at the spot where we got married just 9 mos. ago easy child was so happy we did it, felt secure. she needed us to i think. we went away everything was well really good for a time, difficult child was doing ok supposedly. than we got back and the **** hit the fan on all levels. easy child flew out of control, and difficult child.
i decided i'm going to utilize easy child's room as difficult child's homework room and allow my stepson to sleep in there for now. there's a desk she left and difficult child needs aquiet place to work so that'll be in there. figured leaving it empty is cold and gaping hole affect maybe this way put a few books in there maybe a picture or two won't be so severe??
i don't know lol
