she's gone....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Apr 16, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    so she showed up, with her stupid friend and i think the friends mom i couldn't tell could of been her other idiot friend outside waiting.

    it was quiet, i didnt' cry, or yell or do anything stupid. I even offered to help at one point.

    she said i'll be back tmrw for my bed. i said no not tomorrow i'm not doing this all weekend. if you want it you can call me and we'll set up a day.

    i had written her a letter explaining some junk about the benefits to working out her junk in therapy, some life lessons i probably won't get the chance to teach her, told her to respect herself above all else and to learn how to love herself, and be her own best friend and the rest will come. some more junk.

    i handed her the envelope as she walked out, kissed her on her head and told her i loved her.

    so, this part of it is over now. not sure how i feel, a bit mixed up now. it'll take time as with anything else to digest and stabilize our home yet again from another traumatic thing. feel bad for difficult child shes giong to be a wreck tmrw. i'm predicting.
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    ok it hurts alot, took a few min to set in. think i'm in shock lol. letting go even when they go off to college i've heard is hard this is a whole other level. going to go have a good cry thanks for helping me get to this point by the way.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I think a good cry and a nap are in order for you. Glad it wasn't drama filled. I can only imagine how painful it was even with-o the drama. It will get better.....but not too quickly, I suspect. Sending supportive thoughts and hugs. DDD
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I wish I could help. We are here for you.
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks guys. it will take time and adjustment. it's going to sound silly yet even though it hurts 18 years went by in the blink of an eye, even though she's a mess right now i have to trust in what i've taught her and shell find her way in time also. i feel lucky to of been able to parent her in my home for 18 years.

    if she comes back, great. if she doesn't ill love her all the same. this parenting thing is hard but as you sit back the good moments are so good it does outweigh the bad at least for me. i got to take her away a few mos ago to a spa thing husband gave us. that was a good trip, probably our last one. so glad he gave it to us.

    she's strong shell figure it out and so will we. :) cry's over for now, i'm sure they'll be more in 5 min lol now onto vegetating with alot of junk food...... yes i know emotional eating
  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I just got some really good lower-cal mint chocolate chip ice cream I'd share with you. *HUGS*
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    lol thanks. i'm into the heavy calories cheese doodles right now. i'm a wreck this is def going to take time.
  8. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Hugs to you Jena!!!

    One thought that helps me when I despair over Diva's choices and lifestyle she had her teenage years was to look at people around me. I have friends who are strong in their lives and have slipped that they too had made stupid choices during their teens and college years. They matured and found a good path. It surprises me the number of people who have made bad choices but have turned their lives around. I really really really needed to know that on my hardest days with Diva. It is possible and as long as you keep that door open for her to return on her own it may just be.

    My friends supported me by telling me, she is a good kid, she will turn it around and find a successful, happy life. Hard to believe when I knew what the kids she hung out with were up to. You have laid a good foundation, she will be fine.

    I think it is o.k. that she knows where you stand. In fact, she will find strength in you standing firm in what you believe - she just can not admit it right now. It breaks your heart to see her go through the hard path but your belief in her strengths to become the person she wants to be will shine through to her some day.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I like the part about the letter and the kiss. So poignant. Good job, Jena.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member

    andy thanks and i know..... not easy to see her go off like that needing so much help. yet i believe in my heart now this truly was a necessary step that had to be taken. she had to see where my line was, and i had to see her need to escape difficult child world. it's like communication without the words. hopefully this will give me time to get difficult child stable again and also push her harder than ever to strive further than i've gotten her to so far. trying to pull the positive from this.

    terry - yes i'Tourette's Syndrome the way i wanted to send her off, no need for harsh words at the end of the day shes my kid and i absolutely adore her always have. she's knocked me arounda bit yet in the end all that anger really did wash over me and just dissapte it was surreal. i didnt' expect that.

    one things for sure i have raised two highly strong and defiant and stubborn girls and one soon to be woman. if easy child can work thru her junk she'll be an amazing woman someday, truly she just has it all. you would have to be in her space on a day she isnt' hurting and lashing out. she's beautiful and smart and insightful and so very funny and quick on her feet. she doestn' drain you when she's that way she just radiates it's hard to explain. you can feel it when she walks into a room. difficult child is a medication game and also pushing her thru her disorders.

    either way yea i'm hurting yet i knew i would if i wasnt' id' think i was off a bit and in def. need of medications. yet one thing still holds true in my mind is how much i love these kids, how when i sit down and think about the bad versus the good the good does outway it. that's alot considering they both almost put me under this year lol.

    sorry rambling i've gone thru so many emotions this year with my girls, felt so many things. one things for sure they def. let me know i'm alive. :)

    back to my movie, blanket, comfort food, and my dogs. :)
  11. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Jena, it sounds like it went as well as it could be expected. You will be sad I am sure in the days to come, relieved maybe too, hopefully proud of yourself for handling it so well.

    One thought I had was that you will have to work extra hard to set boundaries with difficult child. Unconsciously I am sure, she may be thinking well I got rid of easy child, I've almost gotten rid of husband, pretty soon it will be just mom and me. sounds like this might be a good time to put some energy into husband.....

    be gentle with yourself...
  12. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    I'm sorry for the hurt you're feeling, but glad it wasn't the ugly scene that it could have been. When we give our difficult children an ultimatum, I think we secretly hope that they will suddenly see the light and change their ways. Unfortunately, that rarely happens -- at least not right away.

    It sounds as if easy child was both a contributor to the chaos in your home and a victim of it. Maybe her move will give you both a little breathing room. It will at least give you more opportunity to care for yourself and husband.
  13. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Jena, it hurts to separate from a child for whatever the reason. Having a difficult child is downright terrifying when they walk out the door. Don't for a second think this is the end of your relationship. Our kids are very much like a boom a rang. The whip through our lives over and over until they get to where they are supposed to be. Good or bad. Take time to appreciate the lifting of the day to day tension. Worry will always be there but don't let it strangle you. Get on with the business of living and loving. Deal with the absent kid whenever that time comes.
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I am coming in here late so I am unsure of all of the details - but one red flag that really popped up in reading your posts on easy child is that she is 17. At 17 in most states (check yours) you are still responsible for her - meaning if she runs away you have to file a police report. At 17 you also cannot lay down rules, and kick her out if she doesn't follow them. And if she runs away than you have to file a police report because you are still responsible!

    I know you have already had some run ins with the cps - and I don't want this to be another red flag for them.
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member

    yes you guys are right, she created total havoc the past year worse than ever, she also took a serious hit because when i left for portland the calls from her were so desperate for my attention. how can you leave me alone etc. she was really at a loss. yet what could i do there's just one of me? also let's face it to be really blunt and honest here it's taken me years to grow in learning how to handle little difficult child. it's that typical at first your just shocked and amazed at all the diagnosis's, you know the stages of it. denial, etc. easy child was there for all of it. i gotta be honest it was really bad before i found here, started hitting libraries learning about medications. you know the deal. also this isn't our first run with easy child, a year and a half ago she flew off the handle badly, punching walls, breaking things, running away caught her having sex in our home, was dating a drug dealer. we had to apply for services thru county to come into our home. we had no clue how to cope. than she calmed and here we are again.

    also the fact is husband and i haven't been the tower of strength. we argue and i'd love to say never infront of the kids yet hey i'd be lying also. i had to sit back and say ok is my home dysfunctional. sounds silly yet yesterday i pondered alot of thoughts. i came up with no. i set rules for all kids, i'Tourette's Syndrome not a free for all, we have routines in place, i always welcome in outside help and advice, there is extended family that may not give all i'd like them to yet they are there adn almost always in contact with the children, we are in alot of ways a typical family. yet throw in 5 kids all with severe problems, a relationship struggling etc. and yea it's messy, real but messy.

    husband is all over the board, as usual craving my attention during a time i'm just doing my own thing again. can't help it it's how i cope. i talk adn all yet i'm not into the let's spend time together thing. i function fairly well in these situations yet it'll take a few days to say ok let's bag the upsetment and move forward. my mark for that is tonight when difficult child comes home. today i'm already feeling a little less drama filled lol.

    husband said in text, now these are his issues the man isnt' verbal. at all. he's not good with sharing his feelings. he sat there literally infront of me and said it's hard for me to say this so i have to text it lol. wow. i said i'm right here, no it's important i gotta text it. he went on to say al i wanna do is go to this kid's house pull easy child out, hug her, tell her to just please follow the rules, be there for her, be her dad if she'll let me, i love her, her and i are so alike in so many ways, be there at her graduation to take pics, rent the limo for her prom, see her smile when i hand her car keys for the first time when she's ready. i said thats' sweet you should tell her that not me.

    than an hr later because i fell asleep he's going on about how i'm magnifying all of this. i've never seen him cope thru something of this magnitude. sure he blocked the ex, shes still blocked, sure he had to say good bye to his own kid on some level for a year. she stopped coming also more stress she was blowing up at our home something fierce years ago attacking me etc. so now after a year he's doing the once a mos take her to lunch thing.

    hope this doesn't drive us further away than we were before. i told him we arent' losing her entirely, we'll still know her, she'll come by for dinner. it hurts yet maybe i can utilize this time and build upon it her and my relationship, straighten difficult child out. whoever said difficult child will think ahh i got rid of easy child, husband may be next than i have mom to myself. DEAD ON. i thought of just that yesterday. so the lines with her will now become slightly thicker.

    either way its just been the hardest year i could of ever imagined happening for me personally. in one week i had a funeral and my kid leaving. they say whatever doesnt kill you makes you stronger. :)

    sat in backyard today with the dogs, our backyards a mess by the way and i looked at the spot where we got married just 9 mos. ago easy child was so happy we did it, felt secure. she needed us to i think. we went away everything was well really good for a time, difficult child was doing ok supposedly. than we got back and the **** hit the fan on all levels. easy child flew out of control, and difficult child.

    i decided i'm going to utilize easy child's room as difficult child's homework room and allow my stepson to sleep in there for now. there's a desk she left and difficult child needs aquiet place to work so that'll be in there. figured leaving it empty is cold and gaping hole affect maybe this way put a few books in there maybe a picture or two won't be so severe??

    i don't know lol
  16. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Jena did you file some type of report with the police like I mentioned in my above thread? Or is 17 the legal age of adulthood in your state?
  17. Jena

    Jena New Member

    no i'm not filing anything at all, she'll be 18 in two weeks. i'm not at all worried. i see your point though and as always appreciate your concern. she isn't a runaway. we gave her rules and said if you can't follow them than leave. she chose to leave. she's with a friend at friends house. she doesn't know we know yet i know exactly where she is.