She's moving into an apartment with the boyfriend

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nancy, Sep 27, 2011.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child called husband last night (she knows not to call me because she thinks he is easier), to tell us she is moving into an apartment this weekend with the boyfriend and wanted to know if she could have her bedroom set. Thank goodness husband said no. He told her it was our furnitutre and since the boyfriend got her pregnant he should step up to the plate and buy furniture for their apartment.

    Evidently she got housing assistance and he is moving in for a free ride. No way are we giving them any furniture from our house to make this easier for him. I also want to make sure we send him a clear message that we are not going to help them financially and it's up to him to support his family. My mommy heart hurts that she has no bed to sleep in but I have to keep remembering that she has a bed at the sober house and she is choosing this route.

    She has $2.20 in her bank account until Friday and I honestly have no idea how she is eating or driving to work.

  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    HUGE (((HUGS)))!!!!! I am so proud of you for standing firm and keeping your boundaries in place. You are exactly right, it is her choice and she has to feel the natural consequences of them.
    My neice had her first child at 19. She now has two children, from two different baby daddies, living in someone's basement and has no desire to change a thing. It simply amazes me that she even still has custody of those children. My sister wishes desperately that she would give custody to her.... :(
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    How do you know she has only $2.20 in her bank account? She must have shared that with you - right?

    Good for you for not handing over cash, furnishings or other valuable prizes! Surely the boyfriend can get her to work.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I know it's not easy but try your very hardest to flush those concerns out of your mind. You can't fix the situation she has put herself in, she is soon going to be responsible for another human being, and for the sake of her child the sooner reality smacks her in the head the better.

    Yeah, lol, I know I'm not the detachment expert but her circumstances truly in my humble opinion makes it totally necessary that she "feels" every reduction in lifestyle and future expectations as soon as possible. There is always the chance that she may have a "come to Jesus" moment in time to save her future. Many caring sincere hugs still flowing your way. DDD
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are doing the right thing but I know how hard it is to let her fall. Keep that thought of the bed at the sober house in your mind . . . maybe even print out a picture of a bed and look at it when she asks for help.
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    No she didn't share that with me. She has a student checking account that is still connected to our bank accounts so when I log into our account hers pops up too.

  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh - sorry! I was picturing the bank account info coming up as part of a "Won't you please give me....?" conversation.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That's ok Daisy. Actually she has never asked me for anything except for this bedroom set. I'm fairly certain she realizes we won't help that way. We have made it clear that if she is living this lifestyle she needs to be completely financially independent from us. We gave her short notice to get auto insurance so we can remove her from ours.

    The boyfriend has no car and I believe she is driving him all around. He works as a roofer and gets paid on the side and as far as I know he hasn't given her a penny yet. I ask very few questions. I'm on a need-to-know basis right now.

  9. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    {{hugs}} Nancy. I understand about the mommy heart. My own mommy heart initially went out and bought difficult child a bed and some furnishings/kitchenware despite the fact that we totally did NOT approve him moving out of the dorms...same mommy heart that was going to pay his rent so I knew he had a roof over his head and with his bed to sleep in...

    It didn't make any difference and now he has that bed and my only medium sized frying pan (and new dishtowels etc, etc) in the apartment where he is smoking pot and who-knows-what-else. And this silly naive mommy heart thought HIS heart would soften once he got to his apartment and unpacked all of the things I lovingly provided,and carefully bubble wrapped and boxed for him to set up housekeeping. (we withdrew our financial & moral support when we found his paraphernalia order, which was after I had shopped and packed for him)

    I know how those thoughts of "how will she eat etc" can take over your mind for hours and days on end. My solution is retail therapy and manicures. I am spending the money we would have normally sent (allowance) to or spent on difficult child on myself. Not that we can afford it but then again, we found a way to make sure he had his $200 or so a month last year - that's how i justify it...
  10. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Ah, yes, that Mommy heart! On the day difficult child 2 got married, I breathed a sigh of relief because he had become someone else's problem!

    Hugs, Nancy! Now she is someone else's burden. It's just so sad about the baby. I love the idea of picturing the bed in the sober house.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Signorina you said exactly what I was feeling. My momy heart would feel good and the bed would be trashed in a month or left on the curb when she got evicted and she wouldn't give it a second thought.

  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If she asks again, just tell her to check freecycle, craigslist free section or to look around on the curbs. I have found a ton of furniture that way. If this guys is a roofer he may make pretty decent money when the weather is nice but he is gonna be unemployed soon.
  13. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Exactly why I won't give katie anything like that. Which irritates me no end because, well.....our family is just like that.....furnishing a house can be expensive and why let good stuff go to waste? But I've watched katie ditch so much stuff, even vital and precious things, no way will I do it for her.

    Sounds like her life lessons are going to be up close and personal rather quickly. I hope the blinders fall off fast.

    Stay strong. She's made her choices, it's time to act like an adult and live up to them.

  14. Star*

    Star* call 911


    As the "auntie" I wish you could tell ME what to say here. Part of me? Is so mad I could spit nails and make a fence if the boards were standing upright. I'm right there with you sister. I could just kick her hind end up on her shoulders and call her butthead.
    There's the auntie star in me that's been a part of HER life since - (starts to cry) sorry....and while I know you are doing the right things ------I sit and pray for her ever single night and this was NOT part of the meal time prayers you know. DR#(%**($at it anyway. But I wouldn't hurt her for the world and I just don't know what to say or do or........I mean I open my mouth and I'm (believe it or not) wordless. Wordsmith - wordless. I worry, I think......I wanna know, I don't wanna know - I hate him, I love her....I wanna see him fall off the tower in Cleveland....oops there you go. sorry. I try to project this will all be allright in 10 months, and like Hound says she'll grow up fast.
    Sorry to ramble - I know we're supposta support you, but this one is just kinda hitting close to the heart. Sorry I'm not much better help for both of you. Just wanted to explain why my responses are wishy. I love you both - so this has been even harder.
    Hugs & Love
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I pray for her every single night too Star.

  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Just hugs~

    Despite her loss for words, Star said exactly what I was feeling when I read your post. I'm so sorry for your mommyheart.
  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She came over today and I took her to get an oil change. Guy told us transmission fluid was filthy so did that too. I paid of course since she has no money and part of me wanted to say too bad but the other part of me knew if that car dies she stands no chance of making it. She was already down a quart of oil. I told her to take some of her winter clothes since it's getting cold.

    She was pleasant, I didn't ask many questions, didn't want to know much. I did ask where her ipod, her pandora bracelet, and her special heart necklace that I bought her for her 18th birthday were. She said they were all back at the sober house in her other purse. I knew that was a lie. Those were all special things I bought her that I hoped she would cherish, which she didn't.

    It's very clear that I do things for her that make me feel good, things I think that will be important to her, that she will appreciate and take care of, and it's obvious that they only matter to me. She doesn't feel the same way I do. I care more about it than she does.

    I'm glad she took her winter coat. Even if she doesn't care I care that she will be warm.

  18. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, my difficult child is the same way. The special things that I bought her for milestone birthdays or occasions were either lost or sold. If I buy her clothes, she doesn't wear them (even though she picked them out) or they just disappear.

    The winter coat that I bought her is torn up and lays in a heap in her car. I took it to an alterations place at the end of last winter and got the tears sown and buttons put back on and cleaned. Next time I saw it was in the garage in a heap on the floor.

    I don't get it either.

  19. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I too have purchased for my difficult child very special momentos, jewlelry and keepsakes that have disappeared. It was painful to become aware that a child would not cherish some things....and it certainly does seem to spell (scream) something that I don't want to hear. One thing that comes to mind is that she can NOT accept the love our family has provided her from day one. I do wonder if this is an "adoption thing" or an adoption/difficult child thing (more likely).

    We also share with others here in giving her repeatedly essentials for new apartments, only to have them disappear. She moves a lot. First, she was evicted alot. Lately, she simply just walks away from apartments. I suppose, one might say this is some sort of tiny improvement. UGH.

    Nevertheless, stuff just disappears. We have learned to give her very little and to make her pay for things with the meager amount of money she has left from her disability checks. Once in awhile she'll work for us to get money.

    Right now, she has no bed and sleeps on a couch. We've been through a few beds already and well, been there done that and we aint buying any more of them.

    It is all so sad. I personally struggle relatively often to put it aside.
  20. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    There is one more side to this "mementos" thing... that has nothing to do with addiction or anything else.

    I remember a huge fight with my Mom as a teenager.
    She felt I was so ungrateful for all they had done/were doing for me, all the money they spent on me, and so on.
    In reality... she was trying to give me what she had wanted as a kid, the things that were important to her.
    For me, those had absolutely NO meaning or value. Still don't.
    And the things that did have value and meaning to me? Were exactly the things that she would not or could not provide.

    So... for a child (of whatever age) to not put value things that are meaningful to you... may just be a difference in values.

    Not caring for stuff in general, etc. - yes, part of the whole addiction thing (my bro was there). There's multiple sides going on here. Its just tough sometimes to know which pieces are difficult child stuff, and which pieces are other, more normal stuff. Because for "our" kids, it is often both.