She's now somewhat 'homeless'

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Esri, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. Esri

    Esri Member

    Not in the sense that she is in the streets but it sounds like her friend and her got in a fight and she's out of there now.

    She is now staying with another friend. Not sure for how long. The last time she asked thus parents friend to live there they said sure, but you'll have to pay $200 a month.

    She doesn't know that I know. She told my youngest and she to me today.

    "Don't tell mom but I'm not at Es anymore, we got in a fight. I'm staying at Tourette's Syndrome for now but I do not want to move back home"

    I feel bad but this us what she wanted. To be an adult. To make my own mistakes.

    But I ask myself, was it so bad here that she would rather be 'homeless' than cons back home?

    I don't think I even want her back because I dint think things have changed. Not yet anyway. She is welcome jobs but I wi not ask her to come home.

    Do I still keep my distance? Our contact is mainly text and it's brief.

    I miss her but I think I am getting a little stronger day by day.

    Thank you again! I've read so many replies to other peoples stories and you women have the best advice. I have even screenshoted a few things said in here for reference.

    husband 40
    DD1 18
    DD2 9

    My oldest moved out a week after turning 18. I'm really struggling. Looking for advice.
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My opinion? Keep your distance. What choice do you have? She moved out to get distance and my own easy child daughter, who is thirty, has told me that we couldn't live together again, and we get along great. It is normal for adults, even those who love one another, to need distance. Adult children normally do not want their parents overly involved in their lives. They want to be independent and make their own decisions, even if they are bad ones, and they don't want nagging and lecturing or even you seeing what they do all the time, even if it's innocent.

    Did you not want to eventually leave your home to be independent? Did you not want to be able to breathe without Mom around? It isn't an insult. It is normal. Some young adults are ready to leave the nest at eighteen, which is why so many go away to college or join the military. It is not unusual. $200 a month is VERY reasonable rent for your daughter to pay. If she lived with you, she should have to pay $200 a month at her age since she is not furthering her education.

    Do not force your daughter to be in your life more than she wants. She set a boundary. Respect it. She'll love you for it. If you pressure her, It will chase her away more. Your goal, in my opinion, should be to have a mature mother (not mommy)/daughter relationship one day, one in which you do not judge her but talk to her like you talk to any other adult, even if you don't like what she is doing. Your goal should not be to have her come home so you can baby her and cook for her and do her laundry and give her the mommy love that your nine year old needs. It should be to encourage her independence.

    Trust me, I know how you feel though. My eighteen year old precious daughter is going to college in a week. She is leaving early because she plays volleyball and the team starts practice in August. She will be alone in her room (no roommates) for twenty days. I will be driving her. I will cry all the way home because I will miss her, even though she is very social and not around much. Still, she was a joy to raise, but I have to admit that I am finished raising her and what she does with the rest of her life, unless sh e comes to me ASKING for advice or guidance, her life has to be due to her wants and needs without my nagging Hopefully her dad and I taught her how to behave. I practiced this entire year letting her pretty much come and go as sh e liked, as long as she told us where s he was and, since she is responsible and not a party animal, it is easy to trust her. It is less easy though to know that she is on her way to live her own life. Sure, she'll come home for visits, but it will never same as it was...because she is eighteen and ready to embark on the rest of her life. She is my fourth child to leave the home. My baby is leaving. Of course, though, she is not a baby. She is a young adult on her way to growing up.

    You can not hang onto your isn't healthy for you or for her. Let her go and set the pace. Focus on yourself, your other loved ones, your hobbies you may have dropped, the things you love to do, the beauty of nature, the wonder of life in general...enjoy the rest of YOUR life and have fun with your nine year old. Kids are a blast at that age :)

    As a wise person whom I don't know the name of said: "Give them roots to grow and wings to fly." Our adult daughters are soaring through the clouds to adulthood. Celebrate it.
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    Last edited: Jul 23, 2014
  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me that is exactly what she wants, to be an adult and to make her own mistakes. She is not homeless, she is in a safe place with a friend, and it sounds like she is even with parents of friends who expect her to use those wings a little bit by charging her some nominal rent.

    And as you said, you would not want her home right now because things have not changed.

    So in my opinion, it's all good! I know it hurts to let them go sometimes, but being 18 is a great time of newfound freedom, for them and for us!
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah, I think keeping your distance is a good idea. Allow her to come to you when she is ready. Give her the room to fly. And, in the meantime, focus on YOU and what makes YOU happy. It all sounds healthy. Stay the course.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    ES, what you are feeling right now is sadness about the changed relationship and the distance. Feel it. That's okay.

    Also realize at the same time: Feelings aren't facts.

    Don't act on your feelings. Just feel them, write about them, cry if you must, sit and stare if you must. In time, those feelings will subside.

    Why do you feel this way? I don't know. It sounds like you have been very enmeshed with your daughter. Perhaps too enmeshed?

    If that is true, you are going to have to give it some time and work before you can be okay with her moving out and your letting go.

    That's on you, not on her.

    So, do the work, feel the feelings, don't act on them, and keep the lines of communication open, with no blame, no guilt, no issues coming from you about her choices.

    She is 18. She is an adult. She is figuring things out. Those are the facts.

    Let her go, and she will come back to you, in time.

    In the meantime, enjoy YOUR life! It's the only one you have, ES, and the only one you have influence over.

    Warm hugs.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Missing her is normal. Forgetting the way things were when she was home is normal. Remembering it is what happens right after they move back home and haven't changed a bit. The remembering it is painful.

    My suggestion would be to wait until she asks you for help or advice. Remember to keep a neutral position and a positive (for yourself) approach. Be there for her but dont be a doormat or anything else that causes you trauma. It isn't easy.
  7. Esri

    Esri Member

    I asked her to lunch and she said yes. Well I just got a text that she would rather sleep because she has to work at 2 and don't want to rush.

    I called her. Yea I know.
    I feel we have things to say and I asked her what's up? I asked her why she's avoiding me. She said she's not she's just tired.

    I feel there's more and there probably is. I hate that there is so much unsaid. What the hell happened? She's 18 and now a different person.

    Please don't get me wrong. I want her to be out there, be an adult. I do. I don't even e to her home right now. But I don't understand why that makes me the enemy. Why can't we still have a relationship? I guess I'm just not that strong to let her go. But I need to and I will. I have to.

    I was trying to keep some kind of relationship with her. I can't have freaking have lunch with her? It's been weeks since I've seen her and she's only a few miles from us. No, I guess not at this point. I'm done reaching out. I'm hurting myself too much.

    I had no idea her leaving would change us to this degree. Maybe I was blind. I'm not trying to smother her I truly am giving her space but apparently not enough. I just don't understand.

    I have a 1/2 day today and am going to spend it with my youngest.

    husband 40
    DD1 18
    DD2 9

    My oldest moved out a week after turning 18. I'm really struggling. Looking for advice.
  8. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way about my mother. I miss the mother daughter relationship but I can't tolerate the person and her drama. So we contact each other when we need to but no more. The thing is that my mother will most likely never change she has been this way for over 20 years. Your daughter will most likely change. She will grow up and she will realize that she needs you. It may not be a brady bunch mother daughter relationship but it will be there. I am slowly trying to build that type of relationship with my difficult child but my trust level is low with her right now. It is really hard for me to open up and be myself when her GFGness could pop out at any time.

    Give her time. Let her spread her wings. When she needs you she will call. For now all you can do is send the occasional text or make the occasional call to ask her "whats up." That way the line of communication is still open but you aren't asking anything of her. You aren't "in her business" your just asking how her day was and there is no pressure.
  9. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I would let her make the plans. Maybe she thinks you were too much in her business and she is older now and wants to separate that. It's not personal. It's normal. She probably WAS tired and getting some rest was more important for her job than catching lunch with you which she can do anytime.
  10. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I think it is a bit easier when they go off to college, which happens at the same age, really. My daughter went off to school 2000 miles away...I HAD to completely lose touch with her. At first she was so anxious she could barely deal with talking to me, then she was busy making new friends and building a new persona, then ACTUAL school. In the three years she's been there I've been out to visit 5 times, and even now she only kind of makes time for me...I'll see her for dinner one day, maybe a hike or shopping, another day, maybe a late dinner if I take her friends on the third day--and then I come home. I"m always a bit chagrined she doesn't clear the decks to spend time with me when I come..but she doesn't. SHe loves me, she loves that I visit, she knows I'm out there...but she ain't gonna spend one second more time with me than works for her.

    Give her space. A lot of space. Try to be casual about invitations, and limit them...severely. Like, less than once a week. How can she miss you if you won't go away?

    I know it is hard. But they do fly the nest at some point..she is doing it without the structure of Leaving Town to Go to College or the Military or a Job, but lots of kids leave home at that age and don't look back.

    My SO's daughter didn't go to college, and lived with him till she was 23. It was bad for both of them, even though they both tried hard. It is SOOOOO much better now that we only see her once a month or so...once we stopped putting pressure on her she and her boyfriend started coming by willingly.

    Good luck and hugs. I feel that it will work out ok.

  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Wow, Echo. Three thousand miles!! My daughter is going almost two hours away in Wisconsin and I will miss her

    But it's true that eighteen seems to be an appropriate age to leave home.

    Very few moms and daughters have extremely close-knit relationships where they see each other all the time unless there is some unhealthy attachment going on. The grown kids go on to have their own families and t hey come first, is my experience.

    That's why it's best not to make your children your entire life. Or you will have no life once they are gone. I love my new little grandbaby to pieces and pieces, but she is not a replacement for my kids either. The fact is, she has amazing parents. I could never have dreamed my daughter and her SO could be so caring, concerned and there for this baby. I don't think she has ever had to cry. They are up on all the newest parenting methods. They do "rapid response" and do not allow her to cry and cry. My grandbaby is surrounded by love. I am going there next week for a four or five day stay, but my daughter loves caring for her baby. She will be happy to be able to get some rest, but she has told me that she really enjoys taking care of the baby and would not want me to do it all the time.

    Fact is, the little princess is HER child, not mine, no matter how much I love her. And when your kids are responsible parents, they enjoy taking care of their children, along with visits from the extended relatives from time to time. But if I was over there every day, really, it would drive her nuts...and we get along great. That doesn't hurt my feelings. It makes me think she's a normal, mature young woman.