she's ok.....says the teacher

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Oct 16, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    so i haven't vented in a while, so fasten your seatbelts..........:)

    it's been at least a day or so, i'm totally overdue ha ha

    i have been hearing from difficult child's school oh she's ok, she's doing alot better, she's talking, etc. meanwhile back at "reality" ranch a place I live in everyday difficult child spends time alone at recess everyday, only has two friends with whom have alot of other friends, so she winds up alone on monkey bars then heads to the nurse for safety.

    when i pick her up or drop her off she is the "only" kid sitting alone staring off not talking to anyone. Today i went up to the book fair inbetween work appointments and i saw the teacher. she said oh hi and i said oh hi (ms. herbal pain in my ***) k i only thought that, and i said where's difficult child?? her response oh she's right here. five minutes later in a rm no larger than 10X12 there is difficult child standing alone by herself oh man so cute with her book fair money in hand looking at a book. she was soo soo happy to see me. ok get this other kids talk to difficult child yet she doesn't respond. i saw it a few times there. her social skills are non existant it seems unless it's a one on one experience with a friend. her social anxiety is tremendous.

    her sweet smiling face, wow i love that kid. anyhow so as per teacher oh she spoke to someone today, oh she ate one cracker today!! yes huge, huge improvement i am just in awe at her capabilities of fixing everyone of difficult child's issues NOT!!!

    ok so i'm currently working on getting into this therapy program for difficult child, one time a week for her, and then group with other kids, and then her and i and rest of family. they specialize in anxiety, and also mood disorders and their highly trained in cognitive behavior therapy, and a whole bunch of other stuff. i'm working on iep, and i didn't give her the thorazine and glad i didn't my gut screamed no really loud on that one. yet i wish there was an anti anxiety medication right now that would help her calm down enough to talk to a child while i work on the other stuff. yet her reaction to this stuff is totally bizarre. she flies off the handle. she's sleeping more nights than not. the kava kava mix and melatonin and Occupational Therapist (OT) brushing and wrapping her at night like she was a little gift is working most of time, at least 5 nights out of 7 which is huge huge or us. yet i stil dont' feel like i'm doing enough. seeing her today was a quick reminder for me to move faster. i've got appointment with dr on tuesday i never switched doctor's i stuck wiht him but told him he's gotta deal wtih my non usage of thorazine because i think he's wrong........ yup they love that. still dealing with issues at home as well nasty to me, slight blow ups, homework cannot concentrate yet if i stick with it and stay calm i can get her to do it in less than 2 hours, her need for constant routine and needing to know what time wil this one be home, or that one can be soo taxing when there's 6 other people here two nights a week and all the other kids have various things we cart them to, that is all we do.......

    ok i'm done. wait flip side is theater group she's still going to, violin she just began last week thru school and now she's signed up for community council board every monday morning they meet she wants to help others ie. make blankets for local shelter, send canned good to less fortunate, etc. how cute is she? so there's so much good there im seeing yet these anxiety issues, the social skills that are non existant are just tremendous.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Well, heck, with-all those community projects she can't help but interact with-other people.
    I'd suggest you just take it slowly. Your daughter is alone much of the time but is she crying? It seems like she's learned to just be herself, by herself.
    My son refuses to meet new kids on his own. There's a kid down the street who is the same age, and my son nearly punched me one day in the car when I rolled down the window and introduced them. I drove on and difficult child screamed at me that he doesn't want to meet anyone. Sheesh! No good deed goes unpunished.
    But in school, where there are clear parameters and the teacher pairs up kids, it works fine.
    Maybe you could suggest that the teacher pair up your daughter with-someone for simple projects. That way they'd have a ready-made conversation. It sounds like the teacher is a bit overly enthusiastic about your daughter asking for a cracker, but it's better than having the teacher complain about how out of place she is.

    I see clonidine on the list. Did that make your daughter fly off the handle, too?
  3. Jena

    Jena New Member


    she has severe anxiety attacks, not crying. she won't make any new friendships or even talk to anyone at all. the reason i said the cracker because it's all difficult child eats all day long in school.

    no, i don't use the chlonidine anymore at all. dr advised against it. that's just it the teacher paints this rosey picture at times which simply doens't exist. it's almost as if she has taken on difficult child isssues and convinced herself and the school that she is fine. yet we at home know she isn't.

    the only way she made those two other friendships were those two girls were in her anxiety class last year. i then made calls to set up playdates and worked it from there.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    it's funny. it's as if difficult child's "want" to be like the way she states it "other kids" is so incredibly strong, she's a very strong person she tries time and time again to place herself in situations that totally unravel her, without my forcing either.

    then the depression hits when the day slows down and she processes, and goes over the days events, than the sadness of her struggles all day comes out ie. i was alone in the park again today at recess, it's so weird having to hear other people talking and laughing and i can't join them, lunch was scary i just sit alone i did take two bites of my crackers though, music is so hard it's 3 classes joined together and everyone stares at me, on and on. you get the idea.

    so i worked the two kids she got somewhat friendly with. i made a point of introducing myself up at school as soon as the year began, and made a point of exchanging numbers, etc. yet those children have other friends and do not have social issues so they are doing what they want which is playing with other kids. can't fault them for that.

    so, difficult child comes home dying to use the bathroom (she doens't go in school), and starving for food.

    docs' have said bipolar. yet now with the remedy at night with sleep it's hard to see the swings i was so able to see before so easily. she's tempermental, calls me names at times, gets mad easily, no major breaking anything etc. which is great. yet very sensitive at times and almost has no filtering system at all, everything hits head on. last night she got her finger slammed in door by her sister by accident and she cried for about an hour and a half wanted an apology from her sister with whom only slammed door because difficult child decided to bust in bathroom on her. long story. the requesting time thing too, i'm getting the hang of it yet she always has to know at all times where everyone is, what time they'll be home, what time this is or that is. i cna't always stick to schedule things change sometimes and when they do she becomes very needy. she's already very needy.

    ok sorry bent your ear.....
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    My son doesn't like it when people stare at him, either. Once he was in a school play and he absolutely hated it because his line was funny, the audience laughed, and he thought he would die right there. I congratulated him afterward and told him how good he was and he told me how he hated to have everyone laughing and staring. Say what? You were supposed to do that!
    These kids don't "get it."
    We've got to teach them.

    Have you tried to alter the times you come home deliberately as part of a therapy plan for her? Like, add five min. to your return home ea day., upping it incrementally until it gets to be about 1/2 hr later than your usual time. And then one day come home early. Then congratulate her on how well she has done when she doesn't freak out.
    Sorry if you're already in the middle of that kind of therapy ... it's hard to remember all the notes. At any rate, that's the sort of thing our child psychologist has helped us with. And yes, it has really helped but it takes a long time and more than a few meltdowns.
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member


    well tonight the meltdown came i was feeling it for a while. she began crying and begging me for answers that i do not have. i have tried what you said a while ago it's hard to explain yet that does not work with 6 other people in household. i cna't hold everyone back a few minutes on a wed night when we all don't sit to eat until 7:30 due to all the kids various activities. it's kind of insane. i don't work now also so i'Tourette's Syndrome not that way as far as me returning home. it's annoying i will not lie, yet now i've gotten accustomed to making up time for absolutely everything if there is no schedule in place and that seems to quiet her. yet the meltdown occurred tonight. what do i do mom i can't talk to the other kids i have no one to play with in school yard (the two friends she had have other freinds and i think their getting sick of babysitting my daughter to be honest) and feeling locked down. so now they've gone their own way and difficult child is alone. she runs to the nurse because the anxiety is so high. she wants answers adn i don't have any. in therapy we have tried role reversals and such yet now hopefully with new therapist on board that place i'm waiting on appointment for it will help more than just hte other stuff shes been getting. yet what do i tell my kid whenshe basically tells me she is so lonely all day it's so quiet there's no one to talk to. she hears the other kids talking about recess adn what they want to do and she knows it will be hell for her.

    i'm open to suggestions. she won't talk to anyone i've tried that approach, we have tried buddy system yet no one wants to hang out with her.
  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gosh Jennifer,

    I wish I had some suggestions for you. She is a very complicated little girl. Do one or both of those girls come over to spend the night ever? If they do, or have in the past, how is the interaction with difficult child? Do they talk? Do they giggle? Do they "play"?

    Just wondering. My difficult child has a totally different definition of "friend" than you or I have. If he's talked to them in class or sat with them at lunch, they are a friend! He seems ok with this. I sometimes feel sad he doesn't have a buddy (his best friend is a girl) that he can talk about things with, especially given he doesn't have a dad at home. But, it's what it is for him.

    For your daughter, it goes a lot deeper. She has many affects in her life due to anxiety. I hope that some good, solid therapy and the right medications can lessen the hold that anxiety has on her life. I can only imagine how sad it is. She is blessed that you are so loving and supportive of her that her face lights up when she sees you - you are her soft place to land!

  8. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    I know the school hasn't been cooperative but would they let her work in the library or for a teacher, something inside during recess? I guess it wouldn't help the whole socialization problem long term, but it would help reduce the stress of school a little bit.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Sharon thanks. I was feeling so grose this morning about everything. I get that way at times. like the roller coaster. we sail ok for a while than her two friends leave her and she's melting down again. my patience wares at times. i know so many others deal with so much more than I, i often feel bad complaining yet this place coming here getting it off my chest actually helps alot.

    to be honest i'd pop her on a drug tomorrow if she'd respond to the anti anxiety medications the right way and not fly into manic mode, i really would. there are so few classifications out there to reduce anxiety in kids. ssri's are the best and safest bet yet difficult child can't take them. tried prozac was hoping small dose of that would bring her down a little yet no good with that either. i'm not going into mood stabilizers and that stuff again. so today i'm picking her up for lunch. it's so not a solution at all yet at least she went into school smiling at the thought she wouldn't have to deal again. i hate the thought of what she's gone through for years.

    we have tried so many things, ranging from biofeed back machines, to cognitive therapy, etc. it's like nothing sinks in at all. her social skills are incredibly lacking also. i've seen kids say funny things to her and she almost doesn't get it or even know how to respond it's soo odd. the clothes thing too is driving me crazy lately. i can't imagine what people must think. she picks out a standard 3 outfits she wears constantly becuase they "feel good" she says. so i went out and bought new shirts, etc. cause weather's getting cold i made sure the material was soft yet they didn't feel right so she won't wear them. wasted money that we don't have, and i took tags off because she gave me her ok. i even had to change my ex pick up time. usually it's friday night, every other week. yet this was causing alot of anxiety in her. school is a long day then her dad doesn't make it out to us till going on 8 p.m. and at that point we have done our play date with her one friend which is friday routine, pizza night snacks movie she gets very anxiety ridden and doens't want to leave at night. i can totally appreciate that. so we switched it up that she leaves on saturday mornings now. i know this sounds selfish yet saturday was my day to sleep. sunday i have therapy. so now no more sleep saturday. i didn't sleep late but if i got up at 9:30 or 10 that's late for me and great not to have to worry about taking care of anyone.

    yes in answer to your question after rambling on as i have lol........ she does laugh and play when it's one on one with a child she knows. if we are somewhere where it's just the two of them and me and the other parent we are good. she is very needy indeed always has to check on my location, yet she plays. thing is if we are at a park where other kids are and this doens't happen all the time she will start with the anxiety somatic complaints my stomach, my head, my this i can't breath, etc. i'm giong to throw up. we have had to leave a few play dates early. she can't handle being on playdate without me i always have to buddy up with the parent so i can hang while she's there.

    it's just funny ms. herbal her new teacher's attitude was oh i'll fix her, she's coming into her ownthis year, blah blah she doesn't require iep, she is fine, it's her 2nd year in school she's comfortable now, etc. she's not ok, she's never been ok. this has been the story of our school life since pre k. also i can't explain it yet difficult child when she gets overly excited she gets or has tics. like last night at theatre group she spoke to no one at all as usual. yet she gets so overly excited at times watching the other girls play or read their lines her facial tic comes out. her jaw almost locks in an open position and it shakes it's hard to explain. i felt bad when i looked in the class last night and saw it happening to her, then the arms start to twich she messes with her legs and turns her feet inward. all i kept thinking is ok this is why the other kids don't go near her. yes bad of me but we know how rough other kids can be. they don't like different, they like sameness especially at this age.

    ok wow sorry i rambled. then ontop of it the place we rent utilities are included in the rental price. its' not horrible we are making do it's a 3 bedroom split level older type place yet the owners have issues with paying their utility bills on time. so this morning we awoke to no heat or hot water no gas for stove. it's not the first time. we just can't afford to move right now. it's insane they have brand new trucks brand new in driveway downstairs yet they can't manage to pay their bills. we have had gas turned off 3x, electric 2x. ugh.
  10. Jena

    Jena New Member


    no i tried that idea. like you said not a long term solution yet maybe a viable option while medications are put into place therapy comes along, etc. school doesn't do that. i don't have an iep in place right now either so i have to beg for any type of understanding from them. their hard core with oh she's ok. tha'Tourette's Syndrome their new tune now. wasn't that way at beginning of year and all last year. there's a new psychdoc on board i think he's looking to cut spending and i'm going to be the example.

    so they don't do stay indoors help a teacher, etc. it just gets worse in the winter because than she has lunchroom to contend with eating alone, but she doens't eat and than they return to class and they all play and difficult child sits there alone. for lack of better words it *****. thanks for the suggestion though.