She's on her way home.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by JLC, Oct 4, 2016.

  1. JLC

    JLC New Member

    Hi. I'm new to this forum. It's been enlightening thus far. My issue today is my 22 yr old difficult alcoholic daughter, who I kicked out earlier this week, is on her way back home. She was kicked out for stealing her sister's debit card out of my wallet. Her older sister is 32, lives with us and has Down Syndrome. This isn't the first time Difficult Child had taken advantage of her disabled sister. When confronted she hung up on me and disappeared for 10 days. Meanwhile, my 29 yr old son, easy child, had his first child, my first grand. Daughter missed it because she was on a bender. Now she wants to come home and see the baby. I got a one word apology and a teary face cartoon sticker. She said she loved me and missed me. I held tough. I told her I loved and missed her, too.I was sad for her, but couldn't live here unless she demonstrated change and functionality. I didn't hear from her again for 24 hrs. Then a couple of young men that claimed to know her from AA meetings in another city called me asking to bring her home because she needed detox and wanted to see her new nephew. After some discussion, I agreed she could come back to get her things and see the baby (who is in NICU, as he was 7 weeks premature). I don't think I can hold up with my tough stance when I see her. I don't admit this often, but she has always been my favorite companion. We were close all her growing up years. I'm the enabler who is trying to reform.
    She has been through a 2 week rehab program and spent a few unsuccessful months in transitional/sober housing this past spring and summer, getting kicked out every couple of weeks. She came home in July dejected for losing a good job. I was tired of paying for her rent when she wasn't there half the time. But half the time she was sober and going to AA. She immediately went back to drinking here in my home even though we had an agreement for this to be a dry home. We don't drink, by the way.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi JLC

    Welcome and sorry you have to be here!

    You don't mention how long this has been going on with your daughter. Is it only alcohol or drug use too?

    I doubt her coming home will change anything. Until they are ready to change nothing we can do will make a difference. At least that has been my experience.

    If she does go to detox then send her back to sober living; that would be my advice. The rest of your family deserves some peace in their life.

    You should probably try to go to Alanon or a therapist to get help from you to cope. I do see one for myself after the hellride we've been on (and continue to be on but from afar which is better).

    Others will be by to give you their advice too. You've come to the right place! No judgement here. We all get it. We all just love our kids.

    Keep posting/reading. It helps tremendously!!
  3. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    Im sorry for what you are guing through! welcome to the site. people will be along to post. I hear your frustration but know you are doing the right thing! One thing i have learned (and i learned the hard way) is that once they are out, DO NOT let them back in. My son is an addict who roller coasters with being clean then not, then get the picture anyway, my husband and I made the mistake of letting him back home when things were going well..need I say more? Now we have stress and tension in the house and are kicking ourselves for the decision we made. Yes, we thought we were helping. No ,we were actually enabling It didn't take long for things go downhill. He took advantage of our kindness (i guess to him it was a green light to go back to mom and dad taking care of him. All I can say is to stay strong and not give in to the emotions that dictate us sometimes. We love them, so we want to protect and nurture them. This is not good for them or us. there is an article on detachment you might want to read which may help. Its on the parent emeritus page. Keep posting and reading and hugs to you
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome JLC. My suggestion is that when she gets there she immediately goes into detox and then finds a sober living arrangement. I get that she was your companion but she is an alcoholic and needs treatment, not to be saved. I know that sounds harsh. You know if you take her back in it will be the same old. If she is serious about getting help she will go along with this.
  5. JLC

    JLC New Member

    Thanks for the advice and support. I so want to take her back and pretend all is well. Achhh! Reality sucks. Last I heard, she was going to the ER for detox help in other city with the help of her AA friends. She doesn't want me involved. I do feel better with distance. How do I find the detachment article? I have gone to Alanon. I found it somewhat frustrating. I guess I was looking for answers and advice. I have seen a therapist a few times. He was more helpful. I like hearing from you in the trenches.
  6. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Im thinking if she really wants help, and struggles with being independence...she may need more than two weeks in residential treatment. I found soberliving frustrating, they had no therapists...she needs one.

    She may not really want to be need to understand if that is the case. If she does...then ready the armory, she will need to put on her tool belt and soilder on.

    Hugs..stand your ground.
  7. JLC

    JLC New Member

    Oh, to answer other questions...this is going for 2-3 years of utter chaos, but she's been drinking for much longer. Alcohol is her first choice, but she also abuses xanax. She's not open with her use, except the alcohol. Xanax is a valid Rx. I've told her Dr. that she doesn't use it responsibly, but they still give it to her.
  8. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    I agree with Nancy. If she comes home I think the arrangement should be that she goes into detox (alcohol and xanax need medically supervised detox) once she is in detox it should, theoretically, be easier for her to get into a longer term treatment program.

    I want to say one positive, though, she is involved to some degree with AA. That shows that she wants to get sober and has some willingness to do so, since AA is totally voluntary. The desire is there. People who aren't interested in sobriety shun the programs.

    The difficult thing about detachment is remaining morally supportive without enabling. You need to learn to be their biggest cheerleader without encouraging their addiction. Addicts need to be uncomfortable. They need to learn from their mistakes and feel the consequences of their mistakes. In your case this would be not having a place to live. How deep in the morass of addiction must you be to take advantage of your disabled sister? Her consequences for that should be that she cannot live in the same home with her sister. Paying her rent says the same thing. It is kind of rewarding her behavior. No one, especially addicts, make changes unless they are uncomfortable. Unfortunately, how uncomfortable they need to be varies wildly. Trust me, mine would rather be in prison than get treatment.

    Give Al-anon another try. Don't look for answers, there aren't any, but look for camaraderie. These are all people who are or have been where you are right now. You will learn, but not directly. No one will say, "you should do X" or "you should have done Y," but you will hear people say, "I did Z and what a disaster!" or "I did A, and it was the best decision I ever made!" Unfortunately we have all been there, done that, too many times. It's a learning curve. You just have to keep your eyes open and recognize what hasn't worked in the past and try to change that pattern of behavior, no matter how hard it is.

    Addiction is a family disease. They are addicted to a substance, we are addicted to them.

    All I can say is encourage her when she is making good choices, but only encourage her emotionally. Praise her for good choices. Be her cheerleader. Continue to tell her how much you love and support her. Tell her how much your look forward to rekindling your close relationship, but make sure that she knows that you can't do that until she is sober. Not because you want to punish her, but because you need to protect yourself.
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    That happened with my son with Klonopin. I trusted the doctor and really liked him as a person but what an idiot. I think he helped cause my son's addiction.
  10. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    the article on detachment- go to the forums tab click on it then click on the parents emeritus tab. the article on detachment will be the second one . its right under how to start a new thread
  11. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    yes with my son he went to a pain management dr for back/shoulder injury he sustained snowboarding...fentynyl patches! what were they thinking! then his insurance stopped because he aged out of our insurance plan (26) and he turned to street drugs..benzos and heroine. yes he could have refused, and yes he was probably looking for some kind of pills...but fentynl patches..I still shake my head over that one
  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    These doctors need to stop!!!! Our son had his wisdom teeth out and they handed him a bottle of oxy...well, it was a perfect gateway for a kid we didn't know was an addict and needed real psychiatric medications.

    I'm not saying they still wouldn't have found other drugs...but our son fought ibs and anxiety and NO doctor suggested a psychiatrist....I'm still like WHY?

    We were clueless...and the truth is not
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    We were clueless too. I was so uneducated on all of this and I trusted the psychiatrist. My husband was so against it and I did NOT listen to him.

    Now I do. About everything.
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My son has been told to see a psychiatrist for off the wall anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). This is impacting his physical health.

    He still won't go. I'm mot sure doctors have a bigger impact than us.Maybe some doctors did siggest psychiatric help, but would our troubled 0lder kids tell us or do it?????

    It's up to them. Most know they should get help. But the nature of the beast us that they will not.
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2016
  15. JLC

    JLC New Member

    Thanks for the intelligent advice and support. She did make some good choices. She went to the ER and they gave her 6 librium pills to tie her over in till she could get back in to a 15 day detox/rehab. Repeat of February. Same place. She told me the night before that she wasn't going, wasn't ready, and she would go live with some 47yr old addict she just met who was her "soul mate". Then her father came home and she decided that he could take her to rehab after all. I am not particularly optimistic. Her behaviour is so radically mercurial, that I wonder if she has some personality disorder that she's not addressing.
    I told her I would pay for one month of transitional housing when she gets out, but then she would be on her own. Get a job, sink or swim.
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Try to regroup while she is in rehab. It sounds like you have a good plan. How wonderful to have your momma with you! Mine died when I was 15 and there are so many times I've wanted to talk to her since then.

    I have been optimistic on and off with my son over the years. He has been sober more than not but when he is, he still falls under "failure to thrive" or failure to get his butt off the couch SO I get it. I'm in a non optimistic mode now. It's terribly emotionally exhausting and physically draining.

    I've been working on detachment since I came to this site and with the help of a therapist. I had no other choice. I was "there".

    He is now in Florida waiting for Hurricane Matthew and I have not been worried. I figured he's smart enough to figure out what to do and he did. Talks to husband now to give me a much needed break.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  17. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    A two week rehab is useless. Your daughter needs long term rehab followed by a sober living arrangement. Alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease and it won't get better without treatment. At one of my daughter's rehabs they told us that without treatment, alcoholism/addiction ends in one of three ways: dead, institutionalized, or incarcerated.

    I am sorry if that is blunt but you are not helping your daughter if you take her in and enable her behaviors. I know that because I lived it and my enabling helped my daughter go to a very dangerous place. My husband and I went to therapy for the past two years and finally learned how to set and hold to boundaries and my daughter is now doing well.

    I really encourage you to go to a support group or therapy or a combination. Sister's Keepers is right that addiction is a family disease. Keep posting here, too. We have walked in your shoes and are here for advice and support.

  18. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Me too. In hindsight husband was always right! Now I take this all very seriously when he expresses concern.
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  19. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Agree with Kathy. 2 weeks is spitting in the wind, especially with such a long term addiction. I realize that insurance/funding is usually an issue. Boundaries need to be a line in the sand.

    Optimally, longer term inpatient treatment would be the treatment, but I know that is easier said than done.

    At least try to get her to look into or ask about IOP (Intensive Outpatient Treatment)

    Also, I am not in the financial position to help my sister financially, but the only way I would ever even consider any type of financial help would be if she were actively involved in some type of treatment and sober. Anything else is really just buying their drugs/alcohol. I say this as someone, who I'm pretty sure, along with a lot of others on this board has been there, and done that. Which is why I no longer have the finances LOL. Don't be optimistic, don't be pessimistic. Just be. Lot go of the outcome just accept each day and each day is a new one.

    I see your signature. What a lot you have on your plate!

    My little aside... it isn't the doctors' fault. Many, many people are prescribed narcotic medications and use them appropriately. A doctor has no way of knowing, unless the patient reveals it that the patient is an addict. They also have no way of knowing, any more than any other human which people have the predisposition to addiction. I have had 1 prescription for narcotic pain medicine in my life, for use after surgery (I am fortunate that I am healthy) I took 3 of the 50 percocets and the rest were disposed of. My mother had a prescription for 120 after knee replacement, she took about 6, and the rest were disposed of. There is just no way to know who will take them and think, "Hot dawg! this is the greatest invention since chocolate!" and begin the death spiral, and who will say, "Meh, whatever, I don't need them."
  20. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    I blame doctors here because our state is number one for prescription medication addiction.

    I am with you...I would take one, and dispose the rest...

    I just think maybe narcotics shouldn't be the first thing they try.