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Should I Be Miffed??
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 70438" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I can only advise what you could do in Australia, I hope you have similar services.</p><p></p><p>I would contact the local hospital or community srvices to see if an Occupational Therapy assessment could be made, to help find appropriate services and aids. We have a service called ACAT (Aged Care Assessment Team) who will NOT remove someone from their home if they don't want to go - my best friend had huge problems with her parents, they both should have been in hostel care at least - one step away from nursing home, but they refused. ACAT put in front of them the range of services they could call on - the couple politely refused all services. "I'll have no strangers snooping in my house," my friend's father (with increasingly advanced dementia) insisted. </p><p></p><p>But ACAT can help with things like a flashing light for the phone or the doorbell, which can be a huge help. A gadget for the phone, to make it easier to use - also easily available. Lots of good ideas to help mother in law live independently without needing to be so dependent on you. And surely you could explain this to her - if you don't HAVE to look after her, then when you visit she will know it's because you want to, not because you have to.</p><p></p><p>I took my mother in law to the doctor this afternoon. I arrange her appointments to coincide with mine, because otherwise she feels she's being too dependent on me. I do find I have to bite my tongue a great deal when it comes to her views on politics - she can loudly and repeatedly disparage the party I prefer, but I'm not allowed to say anything against her favourite. Things like this - I've learnt what topics to avoid. As a result, we get on well. She will refuse a lot of the usual supports that others her age will accept, for example she won't use a walking stick and really should. And I have to use my own walking aids and feel awkward, using them in front of her, as she really dislikes signs of infirmity. But needs must. She also, when really pushed to it, will make compromises in favour of accepting help. As a result, she has far more independence than she ever thought she would have, with her degree of infirmity.</p><p></p><p>She has always hated the slightest hint that she needs help due to disability, but she now accepts kitchen utensils that are gentler on her arthritic hands because she hates not being able to open jars, peel vegetables, chop the salad, turn taps. Some of these aids are actually quite attractive and often used by perfectly able-bodied young people. I'm always looking for this sort of thing (I use them too!) so when I see something potentially useful, I buy several - one for me, one for mother in law and one for sister in law who has early arthritis. By sharing like this, mother in law feels less like a cripple and more like one of the girls.</p><p></p><p>My next huge challenge is to persuade her to use a walking stick. I'm thinking I might try her with one of those collapsible ones, so she can hide it in her handbag if she sees a gossipy friend.</p><p></p><p>You have a choice - be available for her, or get a job and let someone else look after her. Or a compromise of these two. Whatever you choose, do try to set in place as much outside help for her as possible, to give you more freedom of choice and to also give her the feeling that she's more independent of you than she really is. To use a paid service, or a charity service, is no shame - you just consider it as another tool in your shed.</p><p>I get home help due to my disability; but instead of feeling shame about it, I think of it as my 'staff' - he's not my cleaner, he's my butler. He's also a friend - he was, long before he got the job of helping clean my house. I've taught him everything he knows about cleaning. Mind you, he forgets most of it, but you can't get good help these days!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 70438, member: 1991"] I can only advise what you could do in Australia, I hope you have similar services. I would contact the local hospital or community srvices to see if an Occupational Therapy assessment could be made, to help find appropriate services and aids. We have a service called ACAT (Aged Care Assessment Team) who will NOT remove someone from their home if they don't want to go - my best friend had huge problems with her parents, they both should have been in hostel care at least - one step away from nursing home, but they refused. ACAT put in front of them the range of services they could call on - the couple politely refused all services. "I'll have no strangers snooping in my house," my friend's father (with increasingly advanced dementia) insisted. But ACAT can help with things like a flashing light for the phone or the doorbell, which can be a huge help. A gadget for the phone, to make it easier to use - also easily available. Lots of good ideas to help mother in law live independently without needing to be so dependent on you. And surely you could explain this to her - if you don't HAVE to look after her, then when you visit she will know it's because you want to, not because you have to. I took my mother in law to the doctor this afternoon. I arrange her appointments to coincide with mine, because otherwise she feels she's being too dependent on me. I do find I have to bite my tongue a great deal when it comes to her views on politics - she can loudly and repeatedly disparage the party I prefer, but I'm not allowed to say anything against her favourite. Things like this - I've learnt what topics to avoid. As a result, we get on well. She will refuse a lot of the usual supports that others her age will accept, for example she won't use a walking stick and really should. And I have to use my own walking aids and feel awkward, using them in front of her, as she really dislikes signs of infirmity. But needs must. She also, when really pushed to it, will make compromises in favour of accepting help. As a result, she has far more independence than she ever thought she would have, with her degree of infirmity. She has always hated the slightest hint that she needs help due to disability, but she now accepts kitchen utensils that are gentler on her arthritic hands because she hates not being able to open jars, peel vegetables, chop the salad, turn taps. Some of these aids are actually quite attractive and often used by perfectly able-bodied young people. I'm always looking for this sort of thing (I use them too!) so when I see something potentially useful, I buy several - one for me, one for mother in law and one for sister in law who has early arthritis. By sharing like this, mother in law feels less like a cripple and more like one of the girls. My next huge challenge is to persuade her to use a walking stick. I'm thinking I might try her with one of those collapsible ones, so she can hide it in her handbag if she sees a gossipy friend. You have a choice - be available for her, or get a job and let someone else look after her. Or a compromise of these two. Whatever you choose, do try to set in place as much outside help for her as possible, to give you more freedom of choice and to also give her the feeling that she's more independent of you than she really is. To use a paid service, or a charity service, is no shame - you just consider it as another tool in your shed. I get home help due to my disability; but instead of feeling shame about it, I think of it as my 'staff' - he's not my cleaner, he's my butler. He's also a friend - he was, long before he got the job of helping clean my house. I've taught him everything he knows about cleaning. Mind you, he forgets most of it, but you can't get good help these days! Marg [/QUOTE]
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