Should I bother sending son who blew off family a birthday card?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Aug 19, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's been at least three years, and he has dumped all of us, most likely because of a combo of his wife's urging, little tiffs we've had since he started to change (he claims he's still hurt and won't work it out) and his extremist religion (let's just say I've never heard of a church that is as extreme as his--it borders of cultism and tries to pass as the only true Christian church. The others are all shams--you know how it goes. I don't think reconciliation will ever happen. We adopted him at six and he obviously didn't bond the way children normally do. The family has moved on--it would be hard to be with him even if we tried. His wife makes all of us uncomfortable, and he is glued to her hip. And his religion is very judgmental and he enforces it on everybody. But he's my son and I still love him.

    His father has stated he is not sending him a card or contacting him since son has cut off communications with him. He is disinheriting him too, no big deal to son who has made tons of money on his own, but it does make a statement.

    I half feel I should do it because I don't watch to be a b*tch, not that he'll appreciate how hard it was for me to shop for a card for him and to mail it. He won't acknowledge it or call me or answer the phone if I call him so this would NOT be a step toward a reconciliation. There is no chance of that. I will probably never see him again.

    What do you think? I am leaning towards a friendly, not mushy card and just signing it Love, Mom (without my hub or my still-at-home children's names).
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    If you still love him, by all means send him a card. And I agree with the signature.

    This isn't for HIM. It's for you.

    {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}} I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Mail a card if you feel that you want to....and that goes for any friend or relative for any reason whatsoever. Who wants a card that you felt "guilty" or "obligated" to send anyway? You send gifts and warm wishes because you want to--not because a sense of duty or pride compels you.

    This should be an easy decision to make...

    And if you decide to send something, it should make no difference whether it is asknowledged or not. You don't seek a reward for being loving....

  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    if I were you, I would send a card.

    We can't just turn off our hearts. I would get him a nonmushy card, as you indicated, and I would just say "Love, Mom" or "Happy Birthday Son, I Love You, Mom".

    You need to do what you need to do. Period.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with Sharon. You do what makes you feel good. Heck, if it makes you feel better, go find a nice bush or something and plant it in the yard as a birthday gift to yourself. Maybe something that draws birds or butterflies.
  6. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I'd send the card. If he chooses to ignore it, fine, but at least you tried....not because you HAVE to but because you WANT to. Too many times, in families and between friends, feelings get hurt and people get mad and they burn bridges they wish they hadn't burned. Who knows what he will be feeling 10 years down the road? IF he ever feels remorse, at least YOU haven't burned all of the bridges. Even if he NEVER does, at least you've taken the high road. As much as I'd like to at times, I try not to lower myself to somebody else's level when they're like that.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I think the important thing is how you will feel if he doesn't respond.

    If sending the card makes you feel good and if you really can live with no recognition, then send it.

    If sending the card makes you feel hurt or resentful or pitiful or like a martyr when he doesn't respond it's not healthy for YOU so I would not want you to send it.

  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    What does he do for you on your birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, etc.? I would do the same for him, unless you just can't live with yourself if that is what you do. It seems unrealistic to think that he might actually acknowledge it in any way, so I guess in that circumstance I would do what makes you feel the least bad. Because nothing you choose is going to make you feel good about it.

    I hate that you are still so hurt by his abandoning of you. I know it really really hurts (six years for M before he even bothered), and I hate to see you in so much pain because of someone else's dumb decision.
  9. susiequte

    susiequte New Member

    Send it!!! Take the higher road.......
  10. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I agree with Suz. If you can deal with no response from him, then send it, if it makes you feel good. If you know you will get upset that he doesn't respond, then don't send it. Don't make it about him; do what make YOU feel good.....whatever the result.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I not only can deal with no response from him, but I don't EXPECT a response from him and, at this point in time, am not even sure I WANT a response from him. He has become a stranger.

    But I'll send a benign card, knowing there is no payoff in it for me. Just in case he actually cares about feeling rejected, I want him to know I still love him. Then, after I mail it, I'll put it out of my mind.
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Given that this is how you feel about the situation, then I would definitely send the card.
  13. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    In total agreement...I would send the card too.
    It's about who "YOU" are...and what is in "Your" heart.

  15. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I mainly skimmed the other responses so if I repeat someone, I apologize. Knowing your story with him, knowing how you feel, I would still send it. You don't expect a response but you don't want him to feel forgotten even if he HAS seperated himself from you and your family. He's still your son and you love him. I would send it. And maybe, if you can find one, send a funny one that is his sense of humor and one that you know might get a chuckle out of him no matter who sent it. Even a tiny smile would be a good thing.
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I would send a card to him. AND I would send a letter to his pastor.

    Just me
  17. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'd mail him a card.

    I'd keep it light, and I'd sign it "love, me".

    When difficult child 1 was going his "who am I" issues, it was easier for him to accept something from "me" than my usual names.

    Good luck. And hugs to you.
  18. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Have you doubled checked the religion to make sure they celebrate bdays?
    Because if they don't, you would be just adding more fuel to the fire.

    Perhaps a little note, saying you wanted to say hello in commemoration of his birthday and wish him and his family well.

    I'm so sorry for your sorrow...this sounds like a very tough loss. I do hope that he comes around some time in the not too distant future.
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm in Illinois today. I'll get a light card, mail it, and I love the idea of signing "Love, Me."

    His religion does celebrate birthdays. It's Christianity, but a very twisted version of it. I've never gone to a church like his and never want to. It is 100% fear based and encourages it's members not to associate with ANYONE who is not "saved." This includes Catholics, Lutherans, Methodists, get the picture. Only THEY know the true meaning of Christ. I shudder to think what he believes of his Jewish grandfather. Once his grandfather was in the hospital and I left him a message saying so (the man is 85 and really loves S.). He didn't even respond.

    I truly don't get it, but, yes, I will take the high road and mail him a card.

    It's so bad when BOTH kids are on my mind and when they aren't my younger kids! :mad: But I do appreciate all of you. I'm kind of shy myself, although my answers are passionate and it may not seem that I am. In real life, I am very shy with those I don't know so I don't post much in Watercooler unless I really feel I can help. But you all are ALWAYS in my thoughts and prayers. Please believe that. I adore you all and have learned so much from your collective wisdom. I hope I give back just an ounce of what I receive.
  20. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I've never understood religions like that and I doubt I ever will. I don't mean to sound like I'm bashing because I'm each his own within reason of course.

    MWM, I think that if he ever questions things and expands his world a bit, your continued contact, even just through cards, could be what he would need to ease back. Know what I mean?? If it were me, I'd keep doing what you do and just wait. He may or may not come up for air so to speak but at least you've kept a path open for him. (Wow....what a mish mash of sayings! LOL)

    Hugs. I know this hurts you but like you said, you're taking the high road.