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Substance Abuse
Should I reach out or wait?
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<blockquote data-quote="Kalahou" data-source="post: 727567" data-attributes="member: 19617"><p>I agree. Be patient, wait, and wait more. There is no need to contact him so quickly. After several weeks and in a new setting, if all is going well, and you really must make contact, I would limit the text to something such as what you said .. <em>"Heard you are doing well. Take care</em>." Let it go a that. It's good if he is getting a sense of your "<em>detachment"</em>, which is as it should be. What do you need to contact him for? He knows very well by this time all that you have done and felt for him, and he likely knows all your words and emotions, etc. Let him see the new side of you that can be patient with boundaries and with understanding and a quiet confidence in him.</p><p></p><p>The detachment process works both ways. We need to detach, and the difficult children also need to know and understand the benefits of our detachment and theirs - that they need to detach also. He is not contacting you because he does not want to contact you, for whatever reason. If he wanted to, he would. To me this is progress. He is a 30 years old married man, right?</p><p> Don't take this the wrong way, but this sounds a bit like your own possible "<em>co-dependency (?)</em>" and identification with him as a troubled difficult son .. sounds a bit like you are taking offense that he is not coming to you, and not needing to contact you folks. Try to look at it with a thankfulness that he is possibly finding other resources for working things out, and is moving away from the need for you. That sounds promising.</p><p></p><p>Without you enabling with help, if he really wants to keep with the program, let him try to find other ways. Sounds OK for now. Nothing you need to do at the moment. What a relief that is!! Take care. Wait with patience. Be patient with yourself also. <em>You are going to be alright!</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kalahou, post: 727567, member: 19617"] I agree. Be patient, wait, and wait more. There is no need to contact him so quickly. After several weeks and in a new setting, if all is going well, and you really must make contact, I would limit the text to something such as what you said .. [I]"Heard you are doing well. Take care[/I]." Let it go a that. It's good if he is getting a sense of your "[I]detachment"[/I], which is as it should be. What do you need to contact him for? He knows very well by this time all that you have done and felt for him, and he likely knows all your words and emotions, etc. Let him see the new side of you that can be patient with boundaries and with understanding and a quiet confidence in him. The detachment process works both ways. We need to detach, and the difficult children also need to know and understand the benefits of our detachment and theirs - that they need to detach also. He is not contacting you because he does not want to contact you, for whatever reason. If he wanted to, he would. To me this is progress. He is a 30 years old married man, right? Don't take this the wrong way, but this sounds a bit like your own possible "[I]co-dependency (?)[/I]" and identification with him as a troubled difficult son .. sounds a bit like you are taking offense that he is not coming to you, and not needing to contact you folks. Try to look at it with a thankfulness that he is possibly finding other resources for working things out, and is moving away from the need for you. That sounds promising. Without you enabling with help, if he really wants to keep with the program, let him try to find other ways. Sounds OK for now. Nothing you need to do at the moment. What a relief that is!! Take care. Wait with patience. Be patient with yourself also. [I]You are going to be alright![/I] [/QUOTE]
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