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Should I step in or back off...
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 71247" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>I remember when you first started posting. I remember your son in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). At first, he wasn't working the program and he was manipulating the heck out of it, you and your husband. He didn't voluntarily take the drug counseling and that's a huge red flag. Most drug users who quit do so because they want to, not because they've been forced to.</p><p></p><p>He's admitted that he's been around his friends when they've smoked pot while coming home for visits. He claims he didn't touch it. Quite honestly, I wasn't quite sure I believed it. There are too many aids out there to fool the tests. Temptation and peer pressure usually do rule.</p><p></p><p>You say he should have a chance to prove himself. What is he doing to prove himself? Hardly being at home, spending what a lot of kids would consider a good chunk of money (and it's almost gone in nine days???), hanging with friends he formerly did drugs with, not working. Does calling and asking permission when he knows the answer will be yes prove anything? </p><p></p><p>Do you really think you would know if he's smoking pot with his friends when he spends the night? As Suz said, he isn't transitioning, he's going full bore back to his old life. Many of us recommended that your son not work with your husband, that he get a real job and see that life isn't always an easy ride. </p><p></p><p>I would be willing to bet you my beloved car -- one that I saved for 3 years to get -- that your son will be using within 6 months if he isn't already unless he is forced to change his life. I truly hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry but I think you're making a huge mistake. Worse yet, I think you're doing your son a huge disservice. You and your husband are taking the easy way out. Letting him run around, spend his money, etc. is so much easier than putting up with an angry child who will say he hates you and call you every vile name in the book, that you're not fair, that will slam doors and so on. He needs to know there are real restraints in place, not just some words. He needs to know that you two do have a backbone and can say no before he goes too far and you have no choice but to say bye-bye either as you kick him out the door or as he is locked up as an adult.</p><p></p><p>I haven't been in the trenches when it comes to drugs although I've seen the damage with friends of mine and their kids and what seemed to work and what didn't. For most of the kids, it took truly hitting bottom to quit. Your son hasn't even come close to bottom. At the most, he's moved down two rungs on a 6-foot ladder.</p><p></p><p>I have been through the trenches with an entitled, self-righteous teen and young adult. It took a very large dose of reality for her to see that her life wasn't that bad. She didn't come home and immediately get all privileges back because she had an eye-opening revelation. As I saw there were true and honest changes, I gradually gave her back her privileges and even added ones she didn't have before. However, she has truly earned them and she knows it. She seems to treasure our relationship now. She's warmer, kinder, more considerate and, most importantly, happier. Your son has come back and is still the self-centered brat he was when he left.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 71247, member: 3626"] I remember when you first started posting. I remember your son in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). At first, he wasn't working the program and he was manipulating the heck out of it, you and your husband. He didn't voluntarily take the drug counseling and that's a huge red flag. Most drug users who quit do so because they want to, not because they've been forced to. He's admitted that he's been around his friends when they've smoked pot while coming home for visits. He claims he didn't touch it. Quite honestly, I wasn't quite sure I believed it. There are too many aids out there to fool the tests. Temptation and peer pressure usually do rule. You say he should have a chance to prove himself. What is he doing to prove himself? Hardly being at home, spending what a lot of kids would consider a good chunk of money (and it's almost gone in nine days???), hanging with friends he formerly did drugs with, not working. Does calling and asking permission when he knows the answer will be yes prove anything? Do you really think you would know if he's smoking pot with his friends when he spends the night? As Suz said, he isn't transitioning, he's going full bore back to his old life. Many of us recommended that your son not work with your husband, that he get a real job and see that life isn't always an easy ride. I would be willing to bet you my beloved car -- one that I saved for 3 years to get -- that your son will be using within 6 months if he isn't already unless he is forced to change his life. I truly hope I'm wrong, but I don't think so. I'm sorry but I think you're making a huge mistake. Worse yet, I think you're doing your son a huge disservice. You and your husband are taking the easy way out. Letting him run around, spend his money, etc. is so much easier than putting up with an angry child who will say he hates you and call you every vile name in the book, that you're not fair, that will slam doors and so on. He needs to know there are real restraints in place, not just some words. He needs to know that you two do have a backbone and can say no before he goes too far and you have no choice but to say bye-bye either as you kick him out the door or as he is locked up as an adult. I haven't been in the trenches when it comes to drugs although I've seen the damage with friends of mine and their kids and what seemed to work and what didn't. For most of the kids, it took truly hitting bottom to quit. Your son hasn't even come close to bottom. At the most, he's moved down two rungs on a 6-foot ladder. I have been through the trenches with an entitled, self-righteous teen and young adult. It took a very large dose of reality for her to see that her life wasn't that bad. She didn't come home and immediately get all privileges back because she had an eye-opening revelation. As I saw there were true and honest changes, I gradually gave her back her privileges and even added ones she didn't have before. However, she has truly earned them and she knows it. She seems to treasure our relationship now. She's warmer, kinder, more considerate and, most importantly, happier. Your son has come back and is still the self-centered brat he was when he left. [/QUOTE]
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