Should we go or not?

[Kathy813]

The silence has been deafening since we told the counselor a week ago Friday that difficult child would have to go to a halfway house when she leaves the inpatient treatment center. difficult child has not called us since. The question is should we drive the 3 hour round trip on Tuesday for family visitation night.

I'm leaning towards not going since she is obviously angry with us and it would probably be a very unpleasant visit. Then again, I wonder if we should go just to show her that we do love her and will support her recovery even if we won't let her come back and live with us.

We also need to find out if one of us will have to pick her up when she is discharged and take her to the halfway house. I need to know in advance to arrange a substitute.

So what do you guys think? Go or no go?

~Kathy

 

[buddy]

Can you check in with the counselor? gosh, tough one.

 

[keista]

I say go for the reasons you mentioned. If she MAKES it unpleasant, leave and go out to eat or something. Heck plan on going out to eat anyway. Treat it like a date night with a visit with difficult child thrown in.

 

[Steely]

Yes, I would go. Just to imprint the message you love her and believe in her - but that does not necessarily mean you are going to enable her.

 

[toughlovin]

I would go.... just so you can get a sense of where she is at... and like others have said to let her know that no matter how she feels about you, you still love her. However if she gets abusive then I would leave and go have a nice dinner as was suggested. I also might call the counselor to see if they have advice. Good luck.

TL

 

[susiestar]

I would speak to the counselor. You don't have to prove that you love her. If all of the time, effort, $$ and everything else done up to this point are not going to convince her that you love her, no visit for a few hrs in a rehab will. For all her insistence that you don't love her, that truly is NOT the problem. The problem is that she doesn't love herself.

I wouldn't go because it rewards her for giving you the silent treatment. Unless the counselor says that you visiting is URGENT and gives a very good reason for why they are urgent, take that date nght and go somewhere you want to go.

For ALL of the energy she is expending on whether you love her, moving back home, etc....., she is taking away energy she needs to use to recover. It is just the way it is. Your visits keep the focus off of difficult child and what difficult child needs to do to embrace sobriety fully. Send letters, maybe a care pkg wth cigarettes, cookies, whatever, but don't let her use your weekly visit to stir up koi that will distract her from her job right now (getting/staying sober is her job).

 

[toughlovin]

I dont know.....I agree the problem is not that Kathy doesn't love her, we all know that she does. And I agree the problem is that her difficult child doesn't love herself... I think htough when someone feels so badly about themselves, they feel worthless and not worth loving.... and so even though it is not reality she might feel her mom doesn't love her because she isn't worth loving. And not letting her come home can feel like such a rejection.... so I think at a time like this it can be helpful to let the difficult child know that yes we do love them and we do support them in recovery even as we set clear limits and wont let them come home.

At least that is how I see it... and I am in a fairly similar situatoin..... and went through the not letting him come home and let him be homeless...I think by continuing to let our difficult child know that we loved him, when he finally did hit real bottom he reached out to us for help.

TL

 

[InsaneCdn]

so I think at a time like this it can be helpful to let the difficult child know that yes we do love them and we do support them in recovery even as we set clear limits and wont let them come home.

I'm backing TL on this one... almost sounds like depression is part of the mix here, and that calls for definitely separating the messages out clearly... YES we love you and will continue to support you (to some level), NO you can't come home because that is not what you need right now.

 

[Hound dog]

I would speak to the counselor. They should be able to give you some idea of her mindset so you make a better decision.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Are you able to call her? I know that the hosptials/units my difficult children were in allowed incoming phonecalls to patients during a certain time period. A phone call might make it easier to gauge her mood, before making that long trip.

 

[Nancy]

I would speak to the counselor and tell her your concerns and see if she can tell you where difficult child's head is at. I don't like surprises so I like to know what to expect beforehand. I think in the end I would go but I would want to know what I'm walking into. If you go and she is adament about coming home you need to have a Plan B. Is there a family counseling session where you can meet with the counselor and your difficult child? Our family program days were with about 10-12 other families. Each family had individual time and if one difficult child was asking to go home the others helped convinvce them that they needed to stay longer or transition to a sober house.

Nancy

 

[DDD]

I agree with Nancy and others. The Counselor can help you be prepared. I'm sorry it is so complex but truly you and husband are doing the right thing. Hugs. DDD

 

[Nomad]

I agree with the others. It is probably a good idea to go, but express your concerns to the counselor and ask for her input. Also, see if if she thinks family counseling might be in order. If you go and your daughter is impolite and/or the situation is unproductive, leave "nicely" and calmly. Have another plan in mind. Is there a store or restaurant nearby that you like? Simply, chalk it up to "one of those things," and do something nearby that you would like to do. Fingers crossed that next visit will be better.