Shoulda known

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by wakeupcall, Dec 18, 2007.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I guess we should have known, but once in awhile we so badly want our difficult child to be more normal. Yesterday when I got home from work difficult child begged to go over to his friend's house (walking distance). Of course, it gets dark early now, so I told him THIRTY minutes, then call me and I'll walk to get him. Well, he called at the thirty minute mark and said that he was invited for dinner. Reluctantly, I said okay. Then after dinner he called and wanted to ride with them to look at Christmas lights. THEN it started. I told him he needed to come home and practice trumpet, etc. I finally hung up on him rather than argue. He came home, but oooooohhhhhh my, was he ever wired. No kidding, he was running and sliiiiiiiding on the floor, smacking the dogs, jumping on the furniture. I could go on and on, but you get my point. difficult child just doesn't tolerate ANY change in routine, no matter how badly he thinks he wants it. Because we wanted to allow him to TRY to maintain this friendship, we suffered the rest of the evening. He went to bed crying.....and I wanted to cry myself.

    How can I juggle between more normal childhood and all of us suffering? I think he held it together at their house, but let down his hair as soon as he walked in the door. ARG........ :rolleyes:
  2. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    So sorry Pamela, hope your today goes well.

    My easy child is somewhat that way. She is fine until you tell her "no". She doesn't respond like my difficult child but still gets major attitude, and alot depends on how I handle it. Most times I can calmly reply to her sometimes not though.
  3. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    I'm sorry you suffered in the evening Yuk !...but as you said...he did enjoy both a hanging out and dinner with a friend...
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I'd take the awful behavior at home for him to have some "normal" time elsewhere. It really is worth the pain in my opinion.
  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Pamela! A polite suggestion? (don't want to overstep!)

    What would have happened (only you know your lil' buddy! :wink: )
    if you tried:

    "Well, you know you have to practice your trumpet which would make me happy. But I know that you want to see the lights (keep in mind, lights are only around for a month or so) and that would make you happy."

    "In order to make us BOTH happy, what do you say to a quick spin with their family, say 15 mins or so, and they can drop you off?"
    Now technically, you could be willing to go as far as 1/2 hour, but he doesn't have to know that up front. That gives you wiggle room in the negotiation department! (I swear, Moms of difficult child's should be handling strike negotiations, we see it all coming a mile away!!!).


    I know it's a sort of Basket B scenario, but it may have made your evening bearable (again, only you know your difficult child!).

    Just a humble thought! We resorted to giving difficult child 1 a "silent checklist" on the bus to keep the last 2 weeks before Master S. Clause shows up. Silent in that nobody knows what records he's keeping on the other kids, and checklist as in he's noting what the other kids are doing wrong. Since no one knows he's doing it, nobodys feelings are hurt and he feels somewhat empowered. He's also so busy minding everyone else's business that he doesn't have time to act up himself! Desperation - ah what a feeling!


  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    PamelaJ, in this particular situation, I would have made having positive friend relationships more important that trumpet.
    The other possibility is extracting a promise that he would do the trumpet when he got home.

    Our kids are horribly lonely. They want to connect so badly that if they are acting positive I would go for it. It gives foundation for success in the next social outing.

    Talking it through with him at a calm moment about how you fear his behavior when he doesn't get what he wants may help.
    I often spoke to difficult child the next day and asked him if he were the parent what would he do. It just gives them a chance to look at a situation from a different view point.

    No matter how late he stayed with his friend he may have acted like a doofus when he got home but you want to know you tried.

    Hugs. I hated nights like you had.
  7. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    *Sigh* difficult child has major attitude no matter what. Always has, so it's not just a tween thing. I was very careful not to use the word "No", but any time you cross him, watch out. We medicate for school, so anytime he's not in school, he's wild. It's very tiring......and never changes. Home = Wild
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sounds familiar, Pamela!
    We've learned some really great things through counseling. Our difficult child was just like that. We still have to redirect him but it does get better.
    Quite often we'll say "no friend visits during the school week." It's just not worth it. He gets too wound up. He is also not allowed a PS2 or any violent, fast paced video games because they make him go wild.
    The medication is not a be-all and end-all. There's still a ton of behavior modification there. It's hard work.
    I hear you!
  9. ML

    ML Guest

    I'm with the others who said that letting him go with his friends was a good thing. One thing that I do that sometimes helps is that I lay it all out (even if it is for the umpteenth time). In other words "you can do this and yes you can do that but remember, you have to read for 20 minutes when you get home." I consider it transitional reminders. Anyway, I hope today is much better and that difficult child is feeling good about his evening out. Hugs, MicheleL
  10. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    difficult child 2 doesn't do well with any changes to his schedule also. I understand the HE77 that occurs after any sort of change in schedule!!!

    I know that when you're unprepared for a request from difficult child, it can be difficult to think things through quickly. I understand why you didn't let him go on a ride to look at the Christmas lights. I might have said the same thing.

    However, I think a better way to handle this is to tell difficult child that he can go for a short time, like someone else already said. If it is possible for him to practice the trumpet a little longer the next day to make up the time, I would let him. If not, I would tell difficult child that he can go for x amount of time, but when he returns, he still has to practice his trumpet. Maybe negotiating a bit would work.

    I know if I told difficult child 2 no outright, I also would have a raging difficult child on my hands later. Sometimes, not always, telling difficult child 2 that he can do something but still has responsibilities later, stops a "melt-down" before it happens. It gives him a bit of control in his life.

    I hope today is a better day for you. WFEN
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Did you extract that particular scenario out of my difficult child's storybook? Haha. I always found that when difficult child had a playdate with one or more of her friends when she was little, she'd come home completely wired. As you said, it was as if she were holding it altogether and then got home and let loose.

    I tend to agree that I would have let him forego trumpet practice and extend his time with his friend. One night of missed trumpet practice, in my opinion, is the not the end of the world. HOWEVER, I do know that no matter what, time spent away from home, outside of difficult child's regimen, always left her completely bouncing off the walls. on the other hand, she was always getting ditched by her friends that when one actually wanted to hang out with her, I would let her go - it seemed worth it to me.

    Now, as a teen, the pattern still exists to a degree, though she's learned to recognize her symptoms after returning home from time out with friends and she's learning to reign them in a bit. I have to say, I'd still prefer her being able to go out, even if it meant she'd "act out" a little bit once she was home, than never go out at all.

    Hugs, it ain't easy.
  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I have to say that friendship and "normal" social experiences are pretty rare for our difficult children. I think I would have allowed him to look at the lights. I believe I would trade instrument practise for quality time with a buddy - especially given it so rarely comes around.

    Sorry you had to deal with the fall out at home. It's a good thing that he did well at their house, perhaps he will be invited back.