Now that difficult child has been out of the house almost a year and a half and is more or less standing on his own two feet, I have found it more and more difficult to not reflect back and see all my mistakes contributing to his troubles. Don't get me wrong, in many ways I have been a good mother, done my best and even succeeded, but then there are those things... I have done a lot for my kids. They have always come first for me. I seriously mommy-tracked my career, I gave up a lot to be the best mom I could. I was there for them and loved them unconditionally. That part I'm not regretting at all even though there was days when I wondered why I ever wanted to have kids. My own childhood wasn't easy. To be honest, my father is a mean SOB. Driven, dedicated to his thing, successful too at least in some ways I guess. But not a good father. My mom was smart and lovely but very irresponsible eternal hippie. Men came and went but I ended up being an adult in our relationship from early age on. I wanted something totally different to my kids. I may have went somewhat overboard but I'm sure that didn't hurt them. Then there are things I did wrong. I shouldn't have spoiled difficult child so much. I shouldn't have compensated because I felt bad for him, when he wasn't treated fairly by others. At times I was simply too tired or too angry to do what I knew was a right thing to do. at times I didn't know what to do and made some big mistakes. At times I protected him too much and at times not enough. I feel bad for these things, but I do know I didn't do those in purpose. I did what I knew, what I was able and what I thought was best at that moment. Lots of should've, would've, could'ves, but I did my best. The really difficult part is those things I knew were wrong. Which I could've done differently, which I knew would end up badly and still did. Those I have a hard time living with. The biggest one is what started this whole mess. To contradict my parents I was always exceedingly proper. Did things right. I think one big thing I fell in love with in my husband was he could give me a lifestyle I wanted, those picket fences I so wanted. And we did things in proper way. When we had been married proper time, our career's were in right point, we decided to try for baby. We left birth control and started trying. And then I did the most GFGish thing possible. Had a fling, or more like one night stand, with a workmate. Day before I knew I would have my ovulation. I have never been able to explain that to even myself. It was just something so hugely stupid and self-destructive that I can't understand what I was thinking. And what I was thinking when I got some morning-after-pills next day - and never took them. And of course I got pregnant. During the pregnancy I didn't know who was a father and didn't tell husband. After difficult child was born I still hoped against hope he would be my husband's but I knew he wasn't. husband found out when difficult child was around six months old and had to be hospitalised. husband noticed difficult child's blood type there and understood difficult child couldn't be his son. It was very difficult time for many reasons, but husband decided to stick with us. And promised to treat difficult child like his own. I promised never to tell anyone except difficult child when he would be an adult, not even to his biological father. Unfortunately husband also told his mother and mother in law has never been able to keep her mouth shut. So both our sons do know and so does many in our extended family. That has certainly left some scars to difficult child. difficult child has not yet asked about his biological father, but I do know that day will come. And I really don't know what to answer to him. Even husband doesn't know, who the father is and doesn't want to. husband has tried his best to treat difficult child as his own. Sometimes it has been better, sometimes not so good. He does favour easy child very clearly but I don't know how much of it is this and how much is, that he simply doesn't get difficult child. easy child is the son he always hoped for, difficult child is not. And also that is my fault. I of course can not do anything to my own difficult child genes, they are what they are. But there was always this certain intensity in both of my parents I really hated. Long time I thought I didn't have it but later I have understood, I do have it, I just turn it inside. My husband has very little that kind of intensity and I adore that. But the guy I had a fling with, was one of the most intense persons I have ever met. He does well in many areas (awesome genes many would say), but he does have heavy difficult child family background. And he does have that certain intensity. So I shouldn't be surprised, that difficult child managed to inherit enough intensity for four normal person and his fair share of GFGness. I did choose that to him and he is the one paying the price. And I have hard time to live with this. I'm sorry I did this to husband, but at least he did have his choice in the matter and if he wanted to stay with us. But no one ever asked difficult child if he wanted to be born in that screwed up situation and be the one to deal with all the consequences of my horrible choices. And that is something I have really hard time living with.