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Family of Origin
Shunning: A Tool Widely Used
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 667747" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>So, as I am coming through this (or going deeper into it, I am never sure which it is), I am wondering, because of the similarity in the sisters' abusive patterns of interaction with us, whether a kind of shunning in place was always the order of the day in our families of origin. I cannot explain, not only the similarities in the sisters' determined cruelty, but in their senses of entitlement.</p><p></p><p>How is it they do not see the wrongness in how they see us?</p><p></p><p>We are discussing Joseph's having been sold into slavery, by his own brothers, and with the father's apparent complicity, on one of the other threads. How had they been brought up to see Joseph and, more importantly, how had Joseph been brought up to see himself, for that to have happened. How is it the father did not buy Joseph back out of slavery?</p><p></p><p>How is it the father just let him go?</p><p></p><p>And you know, in my thinking, there is a connection to shunning in place in all this.</p><p></p><p>Why did the sisters routinely confide in us? Why call us as they did, but feel, as Serenity's sister did for sure and I suspect my sister did too, that they could cut off contact routinely (as Serenity's sister did) or claim to have been too busy to call, or to pick up when I called, in my sister's case? How is it that Copa's sister could be invited to a lovely lunch and behave like a fishwife with a witness in tow?</p><p></p><p>Why did that happen and more importantly for us in our healing, why was that okay with us? Why did we automatically wonder where we'd offended?</p><p></p><p>My sister invariably called crying or upset and soon to cry.</p><p></p><p>I was forever dropping whatever I was doing to attend to her.</p><p></p><p>D H believes (and has always believed) that my sister's choices of presentation ~ the tears and the neediness ~ were manipulatory tactics designed to elicit and establish the family of origin dynamic. That the purpose of the phone calls was to gather information about something else entirely, and that the phone calls lasted, or were repeated, until that purpose was attained.</p><p></p><p>Well, not in those words. What he said was he didn't trust my sister as far as he could spit. That stuff I wrote above was an enhanced translation.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>When I stopped picking up for my sister, she had no problem making multiple calls or following me from one post to another on Facebook. </p><p></p><p>Entitlement, again.</p><p></p><p>When I was further along in my healing and would ask, more often than not right in the middle of a conversation about whatever my sister's concerns were at the time, why she was calling me, she would say because she loved me. There would be all kinds of involved reasons for not having picked up when I called her. Even though my own mother was staying with her. And she did not pick up for me, or for my brother, either.</p><p></p><p>?</p><p></p><p>I am wondering what the deal was, with the phone calls. Especially in light of the lengths Serenity's sister has gone to to track her down so she could ~ I don't know. "Expose" her here, I guess.</p><p></p><p>But how did her reasoning go, in that she thought we would think less of Serenity because she did that? Her purpose was to shame Serenity, and to isolate and expose her, if she could. That is what she had Daphne write, in her post. The sister had recently been banned from a site she was posting in on. Daphne's second or third post threatened to report the post Daphne had posted in on, here. Like, the sister wanted Serenity to know that those responsible for the quality of the site would "know" about Serenity. </p><p></p><p>It could even be that the sister believed her posts would result in Serenity's being banned, here.</p><p></p><p>How does that make any sense? I mean, how does the thinking behind those actions make any rational sense. It doesn't. So...how is it the sisters assume we will be isolated and exposed if they ~ I don't know. Do what they do, I guess.</p><p></p><p>How is it Serenity's sister's accusations regarding Serenity's thinking could cause Serenity to feel she needed to prove she wasn't beating her wife?</p><p></p><p>That is the essence of the thing.</p><p></p><p>The thinking behind the sisters' actions, and what that can tell us about the emotional climate of the homes we grew up in.</p><p></p><p>I mean, I get it that the sisters' mindsets don't matter...but maybe, they do. Maybe, that kind of thinking about us is the flavor of how we grew up.</p><p></p><p>How do the sisters, easily into their fifties if not, as my own sister is, into her sixties...how do they justify what they feel and the actions they take based on those feelings unless those feelings are so much a part of who they are in relation to us that they don't even see what they do as wrong. Not wrong only because they were doing it to us, but wrong actions for decent people to engage in, whoever they are interacting with?</p><p></p><p>Somewhere in their thinking, this is how they were taught to see us.</p><p></p><p>I feel so badly for us. What a sad way to grow up; what a sad way to have been defined.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 667747, member: 17461"] So, as I am coming through this (or going deeper into it, I am never sure which it is), I am wondering, because of the similarity in the sisters' abusive patterns of interaction with us, whether a kind of shunning in place was always the order of the day in our families of origin. I cannot explain, not only the similarities in the sisters' determined cruelty, but in their senses of entitlement. How is it they do not see the wrongness in how they see us? We are discussing Joseph's having been sold into slavery, by his own brothers, and with the father's apparent complicity, on one of the other threads. How had they been brought up to see Joseph and, more importantly, how had Joseph been brought up to see himself, for that to have happened. How is it the father did not buy Joseph back out of slavery? How is it the father just let him go? And you know, in my thinking, there is a connection to shunning in place in all this. Why did the sisters routinely confide in us? Why call us as they did, but feel, as Serenity's sister did for sure and I suspect my sister did too, that they could cut off contact routinely (as Serenity's sister did) or claim to have been too busy to call, or to pick up when I called, in my sister's case? How is it that Copa's sister could be invited to a lovely lunch and behave like a fishwife with a witness in tow? Why did that happen and more importantly for us in our healing, why was that okay with us? Why did we automatically wonder where we'd offended? My sister invariably called crying or upset and soon to cry. I was forever dropping whatever I was doing to attend to her. D H believes (and has always believed) that my sister's choices of presentation ~ the tears and the neediness ~ were manipulatory tactics designed to elicit and establish the family of origin dynamic. That the purpose of the phone calls was to gather information about something else entirely, and that the phone calls lasted, or were repeated, until that purpose was attained. Well, not in those words. What he said was he didn't trust my sister as far as he could spit. That stuff I wrote above was an enhanced translation. :O) When I stopped picking up for my sister, she had no problem making multiple calls or following me from one post to another on Facebook. Entitlement, again. When I was further along in my healing and would ask, more often than not right in the middle of a conversation about whatever my sister's concerns were at the time, why she was calling me, she would say because she loved me. There would be all kinds of involved reasons for not having picked up when I called her. Even though my own mother was staying with her. And she did not pick up for me, or for my brother, either. ? I am wondering what the deal was, with the phone calls. Especially in light of the lengths Serenity's sister has gone to to track her down so she could ~ I don't know. "Expose" her here, I guess. But how did her reasoning go, in that she thought we would think less of Serenity because she did that? Her purpose was to shame Serenity, and to isolate and expose her, if she could. That is what she had Daphne write, in her post. The sister had recently been banned from a site she was posting in on. Daphne's second or third post threatened to report the post Daphne had posted in on, here. Like, the sister wanted Serenity to know that those responsible for the quality of the site would "know" about Serenity. It could even be that the sister believed her posts would result in Serenity's being banned, here. How does that make any sense? I mean, how does the thinking behind those actions make any rational sense. It doesn't. So...how is it the sisters assume we will be isolated and exposed if they ~ I don't know. Do what they do, I guess. How is it Serenity's sister's accusations regarding Serenity's thinking could cause Serenity to feel she needed to prove she wasn't beating her wife? That is the essence of the thing. The thinking behind the sisters' actions, and what that can tell us about the emotional climate of the homes we grew up in. I mean, I get it that the sisters' mindsets don't matter...but maybe, they do. Maybe, that kind of thinking about us is the flavor of how we grew up. How do the sisters, easily into their fifties if not, as my own sister is, into her sixties...how do they justify what they feel and the actions they take based on those feelings unless those feelings are so much a part of who they are in relation to us that they don't even see what they do as wrong. Not wrong only because they were doing it to us, but wrong actions for decent people to engage in, whoever they are interacting with? Somewhere in their thinking, this is how they were taught to see us. I feel so badly for us. What a sad way to grow up; what a sad way to have been defined. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Shunning: A Tool Widely Used
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