Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
SIBLING RIVALRY??? PERHAPS!
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 62071" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Sounds like it's worse than sibling rivalry - more like sibble war.</p><p></p><p>The age difference will be part of the problem. As they get older they will have less proportional age difference, but that doesn't help you NOW.</p><p></p><p>You need to somehow break bad habits in them. Send them in different directions in as many ways as possible. If one of them plays piano, send the other one for trumpet lessons. If one plays baseball, get the other one do play tennis. And don't let them cross over to what the other one is doing, until the other one has moved on permanently from that activity.</p><p></p><p>This means if they're both learning to swim, you need to make sure they learn in different pools with different instructors. They are not to cross the line that allows them to encroach on each other's space.</p><p></p><p>Part of the problem - I suspect it's the older one - is having inappropriate expectations of the ability of the sibling. For example, part of difficult child 3's Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) means that he simply can't understand that tiny babies don't understand what he's saying. He expects them to answer him, also, and at his level. A year ago I was trying to occupy him in a surgeon's waiting room so I asked him to read a book to a rather restless baby (about 6 months old). Of course for the baby, having difficult child 3 make eye contact and talk was all he wanted - he had attention. And for difficult child 3, having someone who was happy to be read to was also a good thing. But difficult child 3 was showing the baby the pictures, asking the baby about the book with, "Can you see Spot hiding under the table?" and expecting an answer.</p><p></p><p>If it had been a younger sibling, then soon difficult child 3 would have got angry at the lack of response, especially a response he wanted. I've heard of kids who longed for their baby brother to be born, expecting a playmate already kitted out for football, or baseball, able to play at the same level. They felt betrayed when the reality of the helpless, attention-grabbing noisy baby was presented to them. How can I play with THAT? Who said a baby brother would be great? He can't even use the toilet - yuk!</p><p></p><p>I strongly suspect your older son simply doesn't understand that baby brother WILL get there, with support. Baby brother may idolise big brother and be upset at the lack of affection in return, and so is lashing out in response (due to the modelled bad behaviour).</p><p></p><p>Inability to properly understand causes more anger and attacks out of fear and anxiety than just about anything else.</p><p></p><p>I'd be getting them both to a psychologist who specialises in cognitive behaviour therapy and counselling. You need strategies as well.</p><p></p><p>Out of curiosity, when was the MID diagnosed? Does he have any language delay (even mild)? Has his hearing been checked out? When did he reach the usual milestones? Walking? Talking? Crawling? Toilet-training? Feeding himself? What are his problem-solving skills like? Does he play with Lego? Is he good at it, or not? Does he draw pictures? Is he reading yet?</p><p></p><p>With everything he seems to have, there is a chance that he simply was unable to complete the test properly for social or other reasons, rather than having MID. If it's been more than three years, I'd be considering getting him re-tested, certainly in another year or so. There can be many reasons for a child to score lower than average on a psychometric assessment. difficult child 3 'failed' his first IQ test and if we'd acted according to the advice we'd been given, it could have been a different outlook.</p><p></p><p>Friends of ours were told their son was not very bright and was very naughty and disruptive. He WAS a handful - always making lots of noise, breaking things, ignoring people, the class clown - he turned out to have a bad case of glue ear. Behaviour improved once he could hear a bit better, which took another two years with him because the diagnosis had been delayed for so long. He's now in high school and doing well - wants to be a chef.</p><p></p><p>There IS hope but I think you need some help from outside the family, you're too worn out to do much more on your own.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 62071, member: 1991"] Sounds like it's worse than sibling rivalry - more like sibble war. The age difference will be part of the problem. As they get older they will have less proportional age difference, but that doesn't help you NOW. You need to somehow break bad habits in them. Send them in different directions in as many ways as possible. If one of them plays piano, send the other one for trumpet lessons. If one plays baseball, get the other one do play tennis. And don't let them cross over to what the other one is doing, until the other one has moved on permanently from that activity. This means if they're both learning to swim, you need to make sure they learn in different pools with different instructors. They are not to cross the line that allows them to encroach on each other's space. Part of the problem - I suspect it's the older one - is having inappropriate expectations of the ability of the sibling. For example, part of difficult child 3's Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) means that he simply can't understand that tiny babies don't understand what he's saying. He expects them to answer him, also, and at his level. A year ago I was trying to occupy him in a surgeon's waiting room so I asked him to read a book to a rather restless baby (about 6 months old). Of course for the baby, having difficult child 3 make eye contact and talk was all he wanted - he had attention. And for difficult child 3, having someone who was happy to be read to was also a good thing. But difficult child 3 was showing the baby the pictures, asking the baby about the book with, "Can you see Spot hiding under the table?" and expecting an answer. If it had been a younger sibling, then soon difficult child 3 would have got angry at the lack of response, especially a response he wanted. I've heard of kids who longed for their baby brother to be born, expecting a playmate already kitted out for football, or baseball, able to play at the same level. They felt betrayed when the reality of the helpless, attention-grabbing noisy baby was presented to them. How can I play with THAT? Who said a baby brother would be great? He can't even use the toilet - yuk! I strongly suspect your older son simply doesn't understand that baby brother WILL get there, with support. Baby brother may idolise big brother and be upset at the lack of affection in return, and so is lashing out in response (due to the modelled bad behaviour). Inability to properly understand causes more anger and attacks out of fear and anxiety than just about anything else. I'd be getting them both to a psychologist who specialises in cognitive behaviour therapy and counselling. You need strategies as well. Out of curiosity, when was the MID diagnosed? Does he have any language delay (even mild)? Has his hearing been checked out? When did he reach the usual milestones? Walking? Talking? Crawling? Toilet-training? Feeding himself? What are his problem-solving skills like? Does he play with Lego? Is he good at it, or not? Does he draw pictures? Is he reading yet? With everything he seems to have, there is a chance that he simply was unable to complete the test properly for social or other reasons, rather than having MID. If it's been more than three years, I'd be considering getting him re-tested, certainly in another year or so. There can be many reasons for a child to score lower than average on a psychometric assessment. difficult child 3 'failed' his first IQ test and if we'd acted according to the advice we'd been given, it could have been a different outlook. Friends of ours were told their son was not very bright and was very naughty and disruptive. He WAS a handful - always making lots of noise, breaking things, ignoring people, the class clown - he turned out to have a bad case of glue ear. Behaviour improved once he could hear a bit better, which took another two years with him because the diagnosis had been delayed for so long. He's now in high school and doing well - wants to be a chef. There IS hope but I think you need some help from outside the family, you're too worn out to do much more on your own. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
SIBLING RIVALRY??? PERHAPS!
Top