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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 695106" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Welcome back Lo, so sorry for your need to be here, but I am glad that you posted.It does suck, big time. I am sorry for your fear and your aching heart. I am sorry that you cannot go into detail for fear of discovery....and, <em>I get it. </em>Lonelyone, it seems that you have a good head on your shoulders and an understanding of detaching. It is a hard journey we are all on, whether it be mental health issues, substance abuse or a combination, we yearn for our d cs to wake up and help themselves. It seems you, <em>like many of us have tried</em> <em>to help, but the reality is that we cannot help someone who does not want it.</em></p><p> We cannot go back and change whatever past circumstances were.This is something most of us are dealing with, the blame. Blame keeps our d cs from looking in the mirror. They are very good at pulling at our heartstrings to keep us feeling bereft and guilty, so that we will enable them. It is a part of cycling through this madness along with them. Don't. Cycle. Don't accept responsibility, past or present, for decisions and choices an adult child is making. Blame and guilt is an illness, a contagion that we must build immunity to. If we accept blame, than our d cs will not take on their part of it, that the choices and consequences of those choices belong <em>solely to them.</em></p><p> This is the case with many of our d cs. No respect for boundaries. But, we respect boundaries, and must keep firm with the <em>lines we draw</em>. </p><p>What is unacceptable? They need to learn what we have taught them from the beginning, that disrespect is intolerable. I think the best way to teach them is to stand firm on those lines and not take the <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> thrown our way. Put up the shield. Still love them, but stand firm. Put on your armor dear, you are a warrior battling for your right to live well. By living well, you are<em> showing your son how to</em>.</p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/staystrong.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":staystrong:" title="staystrong :staystrong:" data-shortname=":staystrong:" /> and keep posting, it really, really helps.</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 695106, member: 19522"] Welcome back Lo, so sorry for your need to be here, but I am glad that you posted.It does suck, big time. I am sorry for your fear and your aching heart. I am sorry that you cannot go into detail for fear of discovery....and, [I]I get it. [/I]Lonelyone, it seems that you have a good head on your shoulders and an understanding of detaching. It is a hard journey we are all on, whether it be mental health issues, substance abuse or a combination, we yearn for our d cs to wake up and help themselves. It seems you, [I]like many of us have tried[/I] [I]to help, but the reality is that we cannot help someone who does not want it.[/I] We cannot go back and change whatever past circumstances were.This is something most of us are dealing with, the blame. Blame keeps our d cs from looking in the mirror. They are very good at pulling at our heartstrings to keep us feeling bereft and guilty, so that we will enable them. It is a part of cycling through this madness along with them. Don't. Cycle. Don't accept responsibility, past or present, for decisions and choices an adult child is making. Blame and guilt is an illness, a contagion that we must build immunity to. If we accept blame, than our d cs will not take on their part of it, that the choices and consequences of those choices belong [I]solely to them.[/I] This is the case with many of our d cs. No respect for boundaries. But, we respect boundaries, and must keep firm with the [I]lines we draw[/I]. What is unacceptable? They need to learn what we have taught them from the beginning, that disrespect is intolerable. I think the best way to teach them is to stand firm on those lines and not take the :censored2: thrown our way. Put up the shield. Still love them, but stand firm. Put on your armor dear, you are a warrior battling for your right to live well. By living well, you are[I] showing your son how to[/I]. :staystrong: and keep posting, it really, really helps. (((HUGS))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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