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Sick of difficult child using divorce as her excuse...still!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 58309" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>A few thoughts...</p><p></p><p>I was watching an episode of Oprah yesterday (please be aware, you could have seen the same episode months ago, or also yesterday) about a program given in a high school. I think it was Challenge Day. Remember, this is a normal, typical high school with the usual collection of gangs, cliques, bullies, victims, difficult children and PCs.</p><p></p><p>The Challenge was to not only reach out and listen, but also to speak. The program seemed to be well organised in the way they engaged the kids and managed to communicate to ALL of them, how others feel and that when we are most isolated in our own misery, we actually are feeling the same as everybody else has felt, at some time.</p><p></p><p>My point - easy child probably has her own hurts and miseries. But being a easy child, not only is she expected to deal with it and not be a burden, she probably IS dealing with it better. But she still feels bad.</p><p></p><p>Our kids isolate themselves the most when they say (even if only to themselves), "NOBODY can understand how I feel."</p><p></p><p>difficult child probably is genuine when she blames her misery on the divorce. She truly believes that the divorce is the reason. Of course it's most unlikely, but in her mind, what else can it be? To think it could be something else, is to consider that she may have to take some personal responsibility for feeling miserable.</p><p></p><p>I remember an incident when I was very young. I would have been seven years old, and had been told I would have to leave my small school that I loved, and go to a much bigger school closer to home. I was so sad that I would be missing my friends and have to start over. I moped. I hung around the classroom door and cried. Sometimes when I felt my misery slipping away from me, I sat myself down and really made sure I could get in touch with my impending loss. Whenever some bigger kid came up and said, "Why are you sad?" a tiny part of me inside felt vindicated, I was right to be sad about it and the sympathy was comforting as well as justifying my deliberate misery.</p><p>Finally, after a week or more of this, a girl came up to me and said, "You're being really silly! You have to leave at the end of the school year - so make the most of your time here now! Come and have fun with your friends while you can!"</p><p></p><p>I do winder if difficult child has got herself into the habit of blaming the divorce (which sidetracks the real problems). hey, it's working. Various therapists seem to agree with her. But your revelations maybe showed her a few other things she needed to understand.</p><p></p><p>But as for easy child not feeling this bad, or being affected this badly - this is a matter of personal choice. difficult child simply has to talk to herself about her own emotional choices. While she may need help to snap out of them, she should at least acknowledge that continuing to feel bad is something she should at least TRY to overcome, and deal with, and move on.</p><p></p><p>Misery is only a life sentence when we choose it to be.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 58309, member: 1991"] A few thoughts... I was watching an episode of Oprah yesterday (please be aware, you could have seen the same episode months ago, or also yesterday) about a program given in a high school. I think it was Challenge Day. Remember, this is a normal, typical high school with the usual collection of gangs, cliques, bullies, victims, difficult children and PCs. The Challenge was to not only reach out and listen, but also to speak. The program seemed to be well organised in the way they engaged the kids and managed to communicate to ALL of them, how others feel and that when we are most isolated in our own misery, we actually are feeling the same as everybody else has felt, at some time. My point - easy child probably has her own hurts and miseries. But being a easy child, not only is she expected to deal with it and not be a burden, she probably IS dealing with it better. But she still feels bad. Our kids isolate themselves the most when they say (even if only to themselves), "NOBODY can understand how I feel." difficult child probably is genuine when she blames her misery on the divorce. She truly believes that the divorce is the reason. Of course it's most unlikely, but in her mind, what else can it be? To think it could be something else, is to consider that she may have to take some personal responsibility for feeling miserable. I remember an incident when I was very young. I would have been seven years old, and had been told I would have to leave my small school that I loved, and go to a much bigger school closer to home. I was so sad that I would be missing my friends and have to start over. I moped. I hung around the classroom door and cried. Sometimes when I felt my misery slipping away from me, I sat myself down and really made sure I could get in touch with my impending loss. Whenever some bigger kid came up and said, "Why are you sad?" a tiny part of me inside felt vindicated, I was right to be sad about it and the sympathy was comforting as well as justifying my deliberate misery. Finally, after a week or more of this, a girl came up to me and said, "You're being really silly! You have to leave at the end of the school year - so make the most of your time here now! Come and have fun with your friends while you can!" I do winder if difficult child has got herself into the habit of blaming the divorce (which sidetracks the real problems). hey, it's working. Various therapists seem to agree with her. But your revelations maybe showed her a few other things she needed to understand. But as for easy child not feeling this bad, or being affected this badly - this is a matter of personal choice. difficult child simply has to talk to herself about her own emotional choices. While she may need help to snap out of them, she should at least acknowledge that continuing to feel bad is something she should at least TRY to overcome, and deal with, and move on. Misery is only a life sentence when we choose it to be. Marg [/QUOTE]
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