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Sick of difficult child using divorce as her excuse...still!
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 58596" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It IS annoying when counsellors take the easy road, I do understand. Back when I was desperately trying to deal with my own PTSD, the shrink I saw was insistent EVERY symptom of mine had a purely emotional basis. Because my PTSD was significantly the result of BIG problems surrounding difficult child 3's birth (plus other issues), the shrink seemed to insist that EVERYTHING going wrong for me was also connected.</p><p>While still in hospital, I found I liked the muesli made by the hospital dietician, so I asked for the recipe before I went home. I searched for ingredients, made it up and enjoyed it at home too (it had a lot of wheatgerm, bran, rolled oats and walnuts in it - very healthy). Because I would be up at all sorts of weird hours feeding difficult child 3, I would eat a bowl of my special muesli, even at 3 am, or 4 pm - whenever. </p><p>Then I developed what I thought was a gastric bug - I stopped the muesli because I also had to stop milk while I was sick with belly aches and diarrhoea. After a week I would begin to feel better but as soon as I went back to milk (on the muesli) I would get sick again. So I thought maybe the gastric bug had lost me my milk tolerance (loss of lactose-digesting bugs in the GI tract). So I bought yogurt - no problems. Milk in coffee - that was OK too. But it seemed to be the muesli that was the problem.</p><p>And it was at THAT point that the shrink insisted that I really didn't have an intolerance to one of the muesli ingredients (therefore, stop looking) - no, clearly it was part of the emotional reaction and rejection of the problems associated with the birth of difficult child 3.</p><p>He was most adamant.</p><p></p><p>I eventually stopped seeing him (when it became clear he thought I was a waste of space - some people have SERIOUS problems; and when I realised I was not getting the help I needed from him, but from others instead).</p><p></p><p>Since then, I've finally found I have a problem with rolled oats. After taking a break for years, I went back to eating muesli - husband's brand. My GI problems came back. At first I thought it was gluten, so I switched to gluten-free muesli. THAT was no go. Finally, while eating some Anzac biscuits (Aussie biscuits made with rolled oats), it became glaringly obvious. I probably sensitised an already touchy immune system, by eating so much of the stuff back when difficult child 3 was born. I had a few allergic reactions also back then, associated with taking antibiotics for mastitis. I've noticed that in me allergic reactions tend to develop in groups.</p><p></p><p>So not only is porridge (and muesli, no matter how tasty) off my menu, so is any psychiatrist who assumes that only THEIR profession has the answers.</p><p></p><p>Jo, I don't know if this would be pushing your daughter too far, but in response to your statement: "It's a waste of my money and our time - the counselors, mine, and difficult child's. If she's simply going so she can say, "look, I am going, see??" but not talking or thinking anything through, thereby not improving or learning anything new, such as how to COPE, then it's useless in my opinion."</p><p></p><p>I would be insisting that "cooperation" means at least talking to the counsellor. Simply sitting there in a sullen mood is not cooperation. And it would be "cooperate or leave" if I thought it would work.</p><p></p><p>And if she chose to leave - support the move away from home, make it clear she's welcome to visit any time but independence means just that - financially - unless she's prepared to live by house rules. Drop round for dinner, honey, bring your washing home and do it yourself in our laundry, honey, until you get your own washing machine, but until you're prepared to act like a responsible adult you won't be seen as one nor given the status of one. And taking responsibility for your own emotional health is a big part of this.</p><p>A counsellor that someone else is paying for, is a huge bonus. At some stage in her life she must realise this. If, for some LOGICAL reason, she can explain why she doesn't open up, you can negotiate this. But refusal to treat what is an obvious problem - unacceptable. Nobody should choose to go through life as an unhappy person. She is clearly unhappy, if she keeps telling every new counsellor how the divorce has upset her. So clearly, she needs to work this out. When she can CONVINCE you that she is no longer unhappy, then therapy can stop. But continuing to live in denial over it - her life will never move forward and she will always run away from confrontations and stressors, rather than face them with courage - and win through.</p><p></p><p>I had to push easy child 2/difficult child 2 this hard for a while, when she failed to cooperate with her counsellor. She wasn't being stubborn, it was more that she found it difficult to open up. So I talked to the counsellor over the phone and explained my concerns, that easy child 2/difficult child 2 had difficulty in understanding herself sufficiently to be open and honest; I also would 'tip her off' about any explosions we had, and my overall concerns of easy child 2/difficult child 2's inability to discuss things without becoming emotional. As a result, the counsellor was able to finally draw her out with honesty, which meant easy child 2/difficult child 2 was better able to recognise her own problems and bring them up herself, which has meant tat now therapy has stopped, the benefits are still continuing.</p><p>She has a long way to go, but has made amazing progress.</p><p></p><p>I wish I'd had that therapist instead of my idiot shrink.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 58596, member: 1991"] It IS annoying when counsellors take the easy road, I do understand. Back when I was desperately trying to deal with my own PTSD, the shrink I saw was insistent EVERY symptom of mine had a purely emotional basis. Because my PTSD was significantly the result of BIG problems surrounding difficult child 3's birth (plus other issues), the shrink seemed to insist that EVERYTHING going wrong for me was also connected. While still in hospital, I found I liked the muesli made by the hospital dietician, so I asked for the recipe before I went home. I searched for ingredients, made it up and enjoyed it at home too (it had a lot of wheatgerm, bran, rolled oats and walnuts in it - very healthy). Because I would be up at all sorts of weird hours feeding difficult child 3, I would eat a bowl of my special muesli, even at 3 am, or 4 pm - whenever. Then I developed what I thought was a gastric bug - I stopped the muesli because I also had to stop milk while I was sick with belly aches and diarrhoea. After a week I would begin to feel better but as soon as I went back to milk (on the muesli) I would get sick again. So I thought maybe the gastric bug had lost me my milk tolerance (loss of lactose-digesting bugs in the GI tract). So I bought yogurt - no problems. Milk in coffee - that was OK too. But it seemed to be the muesli that was the problem. And it was at THAT point that the shrink insisted that I really didn't have an intolerance to one of the muesli ingredients (therefore, stop looking) - no, clearly it was part of the emotional reaction and rejection of the problems associated with the birth of difficult child 3. He was most adamant. I eventually stopped seeing him (when it became clear he thought I was a waste of space - some people have SERIOUS problems; and when I realised I was not getting the help I needed from him, but from others instead). Since then, I've finally found I have a problem with rolled oats. After taking a break for years, I went back to eating muesli - husband's brand. My GI problems came back. At first I thought it was gluten, so I switched to gluten-free muesli. THAT was no go. Finally, while eating some Anzac biscuits (Aussie biscuits made with rolled oats), it became glaringly obvious. I probably sensitised an already touchy immune system, by eating so much of the stuff back when difficult child 3 was born. I had a few allergic reactions also back then, associated with taking antibiotics for mastitis. I've noticed that in me allergic reactions tend to develop in groups. So not only is porridge (and muesli, no matter how tasty) off my menu, so is any psychiatrist who assumes that only THEIR profession has the answers. Jo, I don't know if this would be pushing your daughter too far, but in response to your statement: "It's a waste of my money and our time - the counselors, mine, and difficult child's. If she's simply going so she can say, "look, I am going, see??" but not talking or thinking anything through, thereby not improving or learning anything new, such as how to COPE, then it's useless in my opinion." I would be insisting that "cooperation" means at least talking to the counsellor. Simply sitting there in a sullen mood is not cooperation. And it would be "cooperate or leave" if I thought it would work. And if she chose to leave - support the move away from home, make it clear she's welcome to visit any time but independence means just that - financially - unless she's prepared to live by house rules. Drop round for dinner, honey, bring your washing home and do it yourself in our laundry, honey, until you get your own washing machine, but until you're prepared to act like a responsible adult you won't be seen as one nor given the status of one. And taking responsibility for your own emotional health is a big part of this. A counsellor that someone else is paying for, is a huge bonus. At some stage in her life she must realise this. If, for some LOGICAL reason, she can explain why she doesn't open up, you can negotiate this. But refusal to treat what is an obvious problem - unacceptable. Nobody should choose to go through life as an unhappy person. She is clearly unhappy, if she keeps telling every new counsellor how the divorce has upset her. So clearly, she needs to work this out. When she can CONVINCE you that she is no longer unhappy, then therapy can stop. But continuing to live in denial over it - her life will never move forward and she will always run away from confrontations and stressors, rather than face them with courage - and win through. I had to push easy child 2/difficult child 2 this hard for a while, when she failed to cooperate with her counsellor. She wasn't being stubborn, it was more that she found it difficult to open up. So I talked to the counsellor over the phone and explained my concerns, that easy child 2/difficult child 2 had difficulty in understanding herself sufficiently to be open and honest; I also would 'tip her off' about any explosions we had, and my overall concerns of easy child 2/difficult child 2's inability to discuss things without becoming emotional. As a result, the counsellor was able to finally draw her out with honesty, which meant easy child 2/difficult child 2 was better able to recognise her own problems and bring them up herself, which has meant tat now therapy has stopped, the benefits are still continuing. She has a long way to go, but has made amazing progress. I wish I'd had that therapist instead of my idiot shrink. Marg [/QUOTE]
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