Sick (rant, maybe a big whine)

[Hound dog]

Dammit I *thought* I was getting better. Now I'm not so sure. I did get some much desperately needed sleep. And that did help tremendously.

The cough medication husband picked up for me does it's job pretty darn well.....but as soon as it begins to wear off I'm a nearly constant spasm of coughs. My chest and back muscles are so darn sore. I swear my windpipe and bronchus actually hurt.

easy child thinks I have a pretty bad case of bronchitis and I agree. She did catch fam doctor yesterday and he wrote me scripts for a cough medication and something called z-pak, an antibiotic. That was terrific of her, and yes my new fam doctor is flippin' awesome. I don't know of any other doctor that would do that for a patient who didn't come into the office to be seen. But the plus is that he works with easy child everyday and knows she's a d@mn awesome nurse.

easy child called before she left work and said (or I thought she said) she was picking up the scripts on her way home and would drop them by. And in a way she did exactly that. I have 2 paper scripts, one for the cough medication, one for the antibiotic sitting on my desk.

In that form they are useless to me. When I say the house payment took all our cash I'm not kidding. husband had to scrape together all the spare change he could find in the house to buy a small bag of dog food to hold the dogs over until next week....they're being rationed and supplemented with scraps. I start school monday and don't even know if I have gas in the car.

There is lint in the wallet, seriously. Now when I explained to easy child as to why I was refusing to go to the ER and doctor......I thought I made it clear I couldn't afford to buy the medications themselves. Evidently I didn't make it as clear as I thought.

I'm not normally a prideful person but when it comes to borrowing money from someone, I dunno I have serious issues with it. While I will loan it if I have it to someone in need.....or share just about anything I have with someone who needs it. And now I'm stuck in the position of needing to ask easy child if she'll pay for the medications. It doesn't sound like the z pak is generic....and heck even if it is I don't even have 4 bucks. If easy child has it she will give it to me. That's not the issue. It makes me feel like a useless beggar and that just galls me no end.

I have to swallow my pride today and ask her and dammit I don't like it one bit. It's frimping humiliating. I should've done it when she dropped off the scripts last night but just couldn't get my mouth to cooperate. She was so proud of herself for getting them for me.

But I seriously need that antibiotic. I was coughing up blood a short while ago. And yes I know that means go to the ER. BUT I'm not sure if it was coming from the nasopharynx (behind the nose) or the lungs. I'm making a real effort not to cough that hard again and I'm not seeing it anymore.

School starts back monday and I have no clue if I'll be well enough to go. In my current state there is no way I could sit in a classroom. I'm going to email my instructors and give them a heads up in case I don't start improving by then. Which makes me just want to cry because it is going to put me sooo darn far behind if I do that.

On top of all this loveliness, husband is driving me insane. I've been deathly ill for about a week. All that time I've heard from him how "he thinks he has it too" and how awful he feels while he groaned if I asked him to make me a sandwich or get me something to drink. Now that he developed a slight cough yesterday, one would think he is dying. Unless he suddenly takes a turn for the worst....the man has a mild cold for pete's sake. I've hidden my good cough medication so he can't have any of it. I had to fight him to buy it for me and I am in no way inclined to share it.

In a moment of feeling extremely horrible and utter despair I commented to husband I'm about to forget even going back to school. I've been fighting my health since day one literally. husband says "oh, I'll support you whatever you decide to do" And I responded "No, that's the problem. One of us has to earn a living and obviously you don't plan on doing it."

It was a cut down, and meant to be a cut down. And the only time I've ever done that in nearly 27 yrs with the man. Sad part is that I don't feel the least bit bad about it either. This is the 2nd time in 3 yrs the man has lost his job. My entire time in school has been spent trying to scrape by on next to nothing. And frankly, I'm darned sick of it.

Here I've been so darn sick and each one of my kids managed to find a way to check on me and attempt to help me get better. While the man I'm married to resented each time I asked him for something and has not once checked to see if I'm ok while upstairs burning up with fever coughing my lungs up trying to breathe. Nooooo, he was too busy pretending to be sick so I wouldn't ask him to do anything. blah Been thru it too darn many times in those 27 yrs.

And yes, the evil difficult child part of me hopes he gets this bug and it does to him what it's doing to me while I drag my feet when he wants/needs something.

If I wind up hospitalized for this my schooling is in the toilet. Not that the program wouldn't let me come back.......but the school had to make special arrangements with FASFA so I could be there as it was. I don't know if they would extend it again.

There is a part of me that wants to throw up my hands and say I GIVE UP! I've been in school for 3 yrs. And from the first day....husband met me at the door and told me he got himself fired from the best job he'd ever had...it has been a down right fight. I fight not having money for supplies, gas, food........ Then there is the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) that seems to crop up and smack me upside the head whenever I begin to feel a bit confident in myself and is still a big day to day issue with the school work. And can't forget the CRF which comes with it's own lovely issues to deal with. There is the SURPRISE discoveries that our electric, gas, water, phone, internet ect at any given time has been shut off. Went without trash for 6 months and still trying to get it caught up. There is doing a load of my laundry before bed to discover it on the laundry room floor in the morning........ Oops! Let's not forget the heart attack......The months of mother in law bouncing from home to hospital to nursing home to home to hospital to assisted living to hospital to nursing home.....

And of course the downward spiral of Nichole......Travis being diagnosed with a stroke and the polycythemia.......

I could go on forever. And I thought it was bad just thinking it! OMG! It's worse seeing it in the post!

I am just so tired of fighting every single day. It should not be this hard to try to improve my life. To try and be the person I am mean to be. And it does not help to not know if health wise I'll even be able to physically do the work at the end.

I feel like having a difficult child tantrum and screaming that I keep trying, keep putting one foot in front of the other only to have more thrown at me. I'm beginning to feel like that dude Job in the Bible.

I'm not planning to give up yet. But you can't blame me for saying that it's getting mighty tempting. I'd be bawling at this point but it would bring on a coughing spasm from hades and I don't dare risk it.

The topper?? Discovered yesterday that husband is behind in the house payment and the Attorney General has contacted us that he hasn't paid the school tax in God knows how long. Know how I responded? That's nice dear.

If you made it this far....bless you. I'm sorry it turned out so long. Once I got started it just didn't stop.

Blah. Taking my medications and heading back to bed in hopes of a few more hours of sleep.

 

[klmno]

Don't let the sickness interfere with good decisions- IOW- don't make decisions like quitting school right now! The Z-pak is a great anti-biotic for many people and can have you feeling a lot better within a few days. Ask easy child to get the medication for you- it will be ok.

I'm sorry you're so sick.

 

[Suz]

Lisa,

http://www.rxassist.org/

Zpac is very expensive. Call the doctor for samples or to see if any of the medications on Walmart's or Target's list can be substituted.

Hugs,
Suz

 

[tiredmommy]

Don't. You. Dare. Quit. School!

That being said, accept easy child's help on this... she loves you and is worried about you.

{{{Hugs}}}

 

[donna723]

Lisa, I am so sorry that you are still so very sick and that you have had to struggle so much. But I echo what TM said:

Don't. You. Dare. Quit. School!

Please don't give up. That nursing degree is your ticket out of there ... if that's what you want! It will make you independent and relieve many of the financial worries that are plaguing you now!

Let your children help you! All these years you have done so much for them - let them do this for you! Let them be adults and help you out now when you need it so badly. It's not 'charity', they're your family, and it's not one one-hundreth of what you have done for them over the years. Wish I was closer so I could really help.

And I know exactly what you mean about your husband! For the 20 years I was married, I could never really be sick because my h (not 'dear') would always manage to be 'sicker' than I was and unable to even bring me a Kleenex - every . single . time! It's maddening! When you feel up to it, you have my permission to kick him right square in the butt!

 

[emotionallybankrupt]

Everything is always worse when you're sick. You're just not in a position to cope with anything else. I know you'll have a different outlook on everything when you are able to get well.

Um, haven't you helped easy child along from time to time? That's what families do for each other. Besides, the medications will be less expensive than the hospital--which sounds like where you'll be soon if you can't do something to turn this around. Let easy child help you.

I just know I've had a z-pak in generic. I don't know how expensive that would be, but at least better than name brand.

 

[AnnieO]

I'm sending you lots of gentle hugs and some strength - I know you can do this. Call easy child and ask. It hurts the pride but you cannot quit school now. And I'd bet she'd love to help out - it's not going to cost that much. Z paks do come in generic now, finally - took long enough. As for husband - I think this is a guy thing. He's threatened and a baby when it comes to a mild cold. Ask easy child to get him some generic Nyquil. It will make him feel better and make him sleep so he hushes up.

 

[ctmom05]

A good point was made with the advice " .. .. ..Don't let the sickness interfere with good decisions- don't make decisions .. .. .."

It may be difficult to prioritize when several things are bothering you at once, but your first responsibility is to get over the bronchitis. Then deal with the rest of this a little at a time. That way you will be able to see that you are actually making progress on something.

I hope you get more rest and recover uneventfully.

 

[Steely]

Oh girl - I can so relate to your post. I hate feeling that the world is unraveling around me.

Did you get the $ for the zpac? If not, you can take those scripts to the county hospital and they will usually fill those for you at no charge. Or better yet, have ding dong husband do it.

And, of course don't even think about quitting school. This will all work out. Don't think about anything right now except getting better.

 

[ML]

You are in no condition to make a decision about school. Today, your job is to do whatever you must to get better. easy child will understand about the money. It will be a good opportunity for her to feel about helping you. It will be a win win, I promise. Once you are better you can tackle the other stuff. hugs, ML

 

[DammitJanet]

Others have given great advice. One other piece which I am fixing to do myself, beg, borrow or steal a nebulizer. Then get easy child to get a script of albulterol for you also. Maybe easy child has one of those machines for her boys or Nichole has one. Or a friend. You dont have the cash right now but they are 40 bucks at walmart which is what Im gonna do soon. How Im gonna get the medicine to go in it, Im still plotting on...lol.

It works great for that chest congestion. Billie has one that she got for Hailie and Michael and I used that for Keyana when we were up there. It really helped her cough. Broke up that deep, croupy cough that was keeping her awake all the time.

 

[GoingNorth]

Z-Packs are Azythromycin and are available in generic now. It sure wouldn't hurt to see if they are on WalMart or Walgreen's 4 dollar lists.

I can't say much about your husband's job issues. It would depend on his age and what field he's in. IT as an example, becomes very difficult for workers older than forty to get into what with outsourcing and bringing in foreign workers on special visas who can be paid much less (and sadly, are often much better educated than US workers).

The fact that he is putting his own need for attention ahead of your physical needs for care really bothers me. It doesn't take much to heat up some canned soup and crackers or run a few loads of laundry.

If you are bringing up blood, you MUST get seen. The easing of symptoms followed by a resurgence is classic for H1N1 influenza which, with your CRF, you are already at higher risk for.

 

[GoingNorth]

Also, church funded groups in general do not require that you be a member of that religion or church to obtain help.

I am not definitely not a church-goer and recieved help from Catholic Charities during a rough couple of years in my life.

Religion didn't come into play until I was back on my feet and wanted to volunteer to "give back" to the organization.

I was told then that I had to be a member of the "Ladies Auxillary" to do so"

 

[emotionallybankrupt]

One other piece which I am fixing to do myself, beg, borrow or steal a nebulizer. Then get easy child to get a script of albulterol for you also. Maybe easy child has one of those machines for her boys or Nichole has one. Or a friend. You dont have the cash right now but they are 40 bucks at walmart which is what Im gonna do soon. How Im gonna get the medicine to go in it, Im still plotting on...lol.

It works great for that chest congestion. Billie has one that she got for Hailie and Michael and I used that for Keyana when we were up there. It really helped her cough. Broke up that deep, croupy cough that was keeping her awake all the time.

I'm almost sure somebody told me it is somewhat helpful to just run a saline solution through the nebulizer, even without the medication. I remember buying a special saline made just for use with nebulizers when easy child had to use one a long time ago. Seems like it was one of those "over the counter but located behind the counter" products. As for whether that particular saline was better than others...I wonder if that was just a marketing thing but don't know. Later, we used special pre-mixed packets that required nothing but opening the package and pouring it in. More expensive than mixing your own though. Maybe through the years since we did it, something similar has come along in generic? It sure would be easier than trying to mix your own stuff while you cough. I'm betting that's the sort of thing that doctor's offices would have samples of.

An albuterol inhaler (limited, temporary use, of course) can also help, whether you have asthma or not. Still helps to open airways and break up that junk to help get rid of it. I remember a doctor at one time telling me he'd found that to be more effective than antibiotics in his practice. I'm for the approach of teaming it up if I can, though, for a severe case.

If this progresses, though, it can get more ugly than I realized. I have a friend who didn't get this stuff under control early enough, and wound up on prednisone, every inhaler known to mankind, various cough medications, AND the antibiotic. Nothing to mess around with for sure.

 

[Hound dog]

Wow. I can believe all of you made it thru all of that. I wrote that this morning when (after an hour of sleep) I was up yet again due to the coughing/drowning thing. Then as I was sitting here at my desk it just hit me........and yeah.

easy child is paying for the scripts. It is a non-issue for her as I knew it would be. Still is a huge issue for me cuz I can't pay her back anytime in the near future.....but that's me and my own issues.

I've no plans to quit school. They're gonna have to toss me out on my fanny to get rid of me. But there are moments in the midst of all this **** that I'm sorely tempted to chuck it all and walk away. Enough of this sort of thing you start to wonder if someone isn't trying to tell you something. Know what I mean??

This vent must have helped me somewhat cuz after I posted it I went upstairs and literally crashed until 1pm. Longest stretch of sleep I've had in more than a week. Unfortunately I paid for it when I woke up with more than an hour of choking and coughing up the nasties.

Janet I want one of those old fashion steam humidifiers. I was fantasizing about one yesterday while attempting to sleep. lol I can get my hands on a nebulizer without a problem I think. My friend has one she used to use for her son........course she could've hocked it for drugs by now....

husband is such a mega hypochondriac that he drives me insane......is doing so right now in fact as I'm typing. I have literally not heard a cough out of him since last night but he's shuffling around behaving like he's dying. Actually he just said to me "I realize you're sicker than I am, but I'm sick too." I'm proud of myself. I didn't hit him. He's mad because he has to wash some dishes......If I don't get well soon, this may get ugly. I just don't have the tolerance level to deal with him right now. Trust me, you don't wanna know what I said to him when he grumbled about taking the scripts to walmart.

I am worried about school starting monday and me not being up to going. I hope 3 days on the antibiotic will be enough to get me there. Missing a day of nursing school is like missing at least a week in your average college course. And once you get behind, you're forever playing catch up.

I've given up on hoping to pass the first pharm exam on thursday. I've only made it thru the 1st 4 chapters. And while it's not horrid......it is just not something you can learn while this sick. I'm still trying to at least get thru the material itself.......Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll go easy on us for the test.

Thanks for listening to my pity party.

Hugs

 

[DammitJanet]

Lisa....I fwink between you and Kewana, you guys...sniff sniff, cough cough...gave me...gag gag...this dratted koi!

I feel warmed over poo and am coughing my fool head off and have sent Tony out for depends and Tylenol Cough and Cold!

 

[Hound dog]

OH NO! Not you too Janet!! I most certainly hope it is not the same bug. Keeping fingers crossed and saying a quick prayer that it isn't.

by the way how is Keyana doing? Is she any better?

((hugs))

 

[DammitJanet]

Well, she is still coughing some but not as bad as she was. The breathing treatments really helped her a whole lot.

Im already on an antibiotic for my bladder infection (septra) which I have no idea if it would help a chest infection or even if this is a chest infection or just viral.

Im downing that cold burst blue tylenol cold and cough stuff. I love that junk. Along with my hydrocodone pills it usually does quite well at calming coughs. Not too good with this one. Im probably gonna sneak out later today...or have Tony go out when he has to go out later to pick up Mandy and get that nebulizer and just use saline until I can get the doctor to call me in some albuteral. Or if gets worse I will hit the er.

 

[tiredmommy]

Lisa- try placing a large pot or bowl of water near the heat source in the room you're spending the most time in, it'll raise the humidity.

 

[Hound dog]

Glad to hear Keyana is doing somewhat better. And as I said before I really hope you don't have the same bug I do. I seemed to be fine one min and sick as a dog the next. No lead into it at all.

TM I'll give that a try. Odds are the animals will be drinking it. lol