Dammit I *thought* I was getting better. Now I'm not so sure. I did get some much desperately needed sleep. And that did help tremendously. The cough medication husband picked up for me does it's job pretty darn well.....but as soon as it begins to wear off I'm a nearly constant spasm of coughs. My chest and back muscles are so darn sore. I swear my windpipe and bronchus actually hurt. easy child thinks I have a pretty bad case of bronchitis and I agree. She did catch fam doctor yesterday and he wrote me scripts for a cough medication and something called z-pak, an antibiotic. That was terrific of her, and yes my new fam doctor is flippin' awesome. I don't know of any other doctor that would do that for a patient who didn't come into the office to be seen. But the plus is that he works with easy child everyday and knows she's a d@mn awesome nurse. easy child called before she left work and said (or I thought she said) she was picking up the scripts on her way home and would drop them by. And in a way she did exactly that. I have 2 paper scripts, one for the cough medication, one for the antibiotic sitting on my desk. In that form they are useless to me. When I say the house payment took all our cash I'm not kidding. husband had to scrape together all the spare change he could find in the house to buy a small bag of dog food to hold the dogs over until next week....they're being rationed and supplemented with scraps. I start school monday and don't even know if I have gas in the car. There is lint in the wallet, seriously. Now when I explained to easy child as to why I was refusing to go to the ER and doctor......I thought I made it clear I couldn't afford to buy the medications themselves. Evidently I didn't make it as clear as I thought. I'm not normally a prideful person but when it comes to borrowing money from someone, I dunno I have serious issues with it. While I will loan it if I have it to someone in need.....or share just about anything I have with someone who needs it. And now I'm stuck in the position of needing to ask easy child if she'll pay for the medications. It doesn't sound like the z pak is generic....and heck even if it is I don't even have 4 bucks. If easy child has it she will give it to me. That's not the issue. It makes me feel like a useless beggar and that just galls me no end. I have to swallow my pride today and ask her and dammit I don't like it one bit. It's frimping humiliating. I should've done it when she dropped off the scripts last night but just couldn't get my mouth to cooperate. She was so proud of herself for getting them for me. But I seriously need that antibiotic. I was coughing up blood a short while ago. And yes I know that means go to the ER. BUT I'm not sure if it was coming from the nasopharynx (behind the nose) or the lungs. I'm making a real effort not to cough that hard again and I'm not seeing it anymore. School starts back monday and I have no clue if I'll be well enough to go. In my current state there is no way I could sit in a classroom. I'm going to email my instructors and give them a heads up in case I don't start improving by then. Which makes me just want to cry because it is going to put me sooo darn far behind if I do that. On top of all this loveliness, husband is driving me insane. I've been deathly ill for about a week. All that time I've heard from him how "he thinks he has it too" and how awful he feels while he groaned if I asked him to make me a sandwich or get me something to drink. Now that he developed a slight cough yesterday, one would think he is dying. Unless he suddenly takes a turn for the worst....the man has a mild cold for pete's sake. I've hidden my good cough medication so he can't have any of it. I had to fight him to buy it for me and I am in no way inclined to share it. In a moment of feeling extremely horrible and utter despair I commented to husband I'm about to forget even going back to school. I've been fighting my health since day one literally. husband says "oh, I'll support you whatever you decide to do" And I responded "No, that's the problem. One of us has to earn a living and obviously you don't plan on doing it." It was a cut down, and meant to be a cut down. And the only time I've ever done that in nearly 27 yrs with the man. Sad part is that I don't feel the least bit bad about it either. This is the 2nd time in 3 yrs the man has lost his job. My entire time in school has been spent trying to scrape by on next to nothing. And frankly, I'm darned sick of it. Here I've been so darn sick and each one of my kids managed to find a way to check on me and attempt to help me get better. While the man I'm married to resented each time I asked him for something and has not once checked to see if I'm ok while upstairs burning up with fever coughing my lungs up trying to breathe. Nooooo, he was too busy pretending to be sick so I wouldn't ask him to do anything. blah Been thru it too darn many times in those 27 yrs. And yes, the evil difficult child part of me hopes he gets this bug and it does to him what it's doing to me while I drag my feet when he wants/needs something. If I wind up hospitalized for this my schooling is in the toilet. Not that the program wouldn't let me come back.......but the school had to make special arrangements with FASFA so I could be there as it was. I don't know if they would extend it again. There is a part of me that wants to throw up my hands and say I GIVE UP! I've been in school for 3 yrs. And from the first day....husband met me at the door and told me he got himself fired from the best job he'd ever had...it has been a down right fight. I fight not having money for supplies, gas, food........ Then there is the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) that seems to crop up and smack me upside the head whenever I begin to feel a bit confident in myself and is still a big day to day issue with the school work. And can't forget the CRF which comes with it's own lovely issues to deal with. There is the SURPRISE discoveries that our electric, gas, water, phone, internet ect at any given time has been shut off. Went without trash for 6 months and still trying to get it caught up. There is doing a load of my laundry before bed to discover it on the laundry room floor in the morning........ Oops! Let's not forget the heart attack......The months of mother in law bouncing from home to hospital to nursing home to home to hospital to assisted living to hospital to nursing home..... And of course the downward spiral of Nichole......Travis being diagnosed with a stroke and the polycythemia....... I could go on forever. And I thought it was bad just thinking it! OMG! It's worse seeing it in the post! I am just so tired of fighting every single day. It should not be this hard to try to improve my life. To try and be the person I am mean to be. And it does not help to not know if health wise I'll even be able to physically do the work at the end. I feel like having a difficult child tantrum and screaming that I keep trying, keep putting one foot in front of the other only to have more thrown at me. I'm beginning to feel like that dude Job in the Bible. I'm not planning to give up yet. But you can't blame me for saying that it's getting mighty tempting. I'd be bawling at this point but it would bring on a coughing spasm from hades and I don't dare risk it. The topper?? Discovered yesterday that husband is behind in the house payment and the Attorney General has contacted us that he hasn't paid the school tax in God knows how long. Know how I responded? That's nice dear. If you made it this far....bless you. I'm sorry it turned out so long. Once I got started it just didn't stop. Blah. Taking my medications and heading back to bed in hopes of a few more hours of sleep.