Sigh. Need feedback on tent kid and brother

JMom

Well-Known Member
I need feedback on a couple of things and am here this morning because I have a lot of feelings. This is long, unorganized and my grammar sucks...here we go.

So I'll start with my 50 year old brother. I may have talked about him briefly. The short version is he is Bipolar and Borderline (BPD), he was FINALLY committed on a mental health warrant and was put on medication (8 scripts and 4 OTC) for the 1st time in his life. He was in the state hospital, I was relieved. He has sponged off my mom his entire life. He is an alcoholic and very verbally abusive. My mom fell outside one night (drunk) and broke bones in her face. She is 74. She never really healed from that. Shortly after, she fell VERY ill and I was left alone to care for her and my dad who can't walk. Mind you, I was still working 40/hrs week on patrol. It was an hour drive to work. Not having a pity party, just laying out the current circumstances.

My mom has emphysema, congestive heart failure, kidney disease and is an alcoholic. She drinks more when brother is there. The last big blow up (prior to his hospitalization) he got in my dad's face and pushed my mom out of the way. Mom locked him out of the house and called me to handle him. I put him out (knowing she would let him back in eventually). He went to a motel for a week (she paid for it). Apparently, when I took my mom's finances and cut him off he told someone he was going to kill himself-which is why he was committed.

When she got sick, it was bad sick. I took her to the hospital and she was barely hanging on. Her heart, kidney and lungs were all battling. The doctors could not keep her stable. All she was worried about the entire time was getting money to my brother in the hospital. She had different people taking him money. He was only supposed to have $15-$20/week (max) for vending machines. Everything else was free. I asked the hospital if we could set up a trust so that no one would have to drive out there and manage his money. They said yes, they would. Unbeknownst to me, my mother sent my cousin to the hospital with $100 for the trust. My brother found out and checked himself out as soon as it hit the books. His court order had expired so he was free to go. I found out while I was still in ICU with mom. I asked my cousin to explain to him how sick mom had been for 2 months, and hoped he would stay away. I hadn't planned on this being the long version, but I need to explain my state of mind for the next paragraph.

He showed up at the hospital (no idea how he got there) asking mom for money for the motel and cigarettes. She begged me to give it to him, as I still had her wallet. I gave him $50 to get him out of my hair. As if i didn't have enough on my plate, he needed a ride to MHMR to fill out paperwork to get free medication. We ended up having to pay for 2 weeks worth of medications which was $120 each time. We were there over 6 hours. At that point I was so done. I asked my son (Tent Kid) if he could take him in for 72 hours so I could breathe and figure out a plan to park his arse somewhere. I knew 100% I was enabling him, did it on purpose and don't regret it, I was truly hanging by a string. It helped as my son lived almost 2 hours from the hospital and told my brother he wasn't to contact me or my mom.

Well 72 hours turned into 3 months. My son was in cahoots with my best friend. They decided amongst themselves that they were going to manage him to take pressure off of me until mom was better or past away. We were making arrangements because we thought she wouldn't make it out of the hospital.
So fast forward to this past week, my son put my brother out because of his laziness and not looking for a job. My son's roommate had bought a car from us and decided to sell it to my brother. They never transferred the title, my brother didn't get insurance, let registration expire. etc...

So now brother is back at mom's house, behaving since he just got there. That won't last long. He miraculously had $200 to insure the car-that's still in my name. ANYWHO-

Now that he is gone, I feel somewhat better that he's out of there because I was worried my son would beat him up. Son isn't violent but gets very angry at brother for all of the above reasons.

Now on to my son, you may remember him as the tent kid. Last up date was him getting his license back after 3 years, no longer homeless, gainfully employed and has his own apartment. He has made great strides, however he started drinking. I had a talk with him and told him I was concerned and that he was risking contact with his family if he didn't get it together. (Drinking happened prior to brother-unrelated).

Had the "talk"...You know the hey you're an adult now, I'd like to have grands at some point, would be great to see you sober, you're going down the wrong path, yadda yadda yadda. I have managed to keep myself untangled from his addiction. My brother tried to suck me in by tattling on him. I had to break it down to him that I know exactly what he does and it's his cross to bear. It's weird but I am really strong now when it comes to my son. I just say my piece and move on. He knows the consequences and hopefully he can get it together before something bad happens.

So I have felt concerned because my brother keeps saying that son "looks drunk" all the time. One thing about my brother is that he says things to hurt me...a lot. He's very spiteful, entitled and just plain mean. I've had an uneasy feeling the last few days. That old feeling of something bad is going to happen. I think I let my brother get in my head. I had stopped talking to brother but my mom ALWAYS talks on speaker phone and says "say hi to your brother" at which point he takes over the conversation and I have to hang up.

So my struggle is seeing that my son is headed in the wrong direction and letting the uneasiness creep in. The thing that is confusing to me is that all the times that my brother has told me that son is drunk, I had already recently talked to my son on Facetime and can clearly see that he is not. He's actually at work and comes by my house...sober. I do not wish to live in denial but I also don't want to get into the trap of minding my son's business. I can not control someone else's addiction. I have this nagging feeling that I want to cry in front of him and show him how concerned I am. Then there is that other part of me that wants to let the chips fall how they may.

Can you guys give me feedback on the proper amount of concern, involvement (as far as talking to him about the drinking) that is appropriate. Neither way really feels right. I hope one day he is sober for good. He usually cuts himself off when he realizes he's had too many. He drinks at home or spends the night with a friend when he's drinking, so at least there is that. He doesn't come over or call if he has had even one (with a friend-he doesn't drink and drive) because he knows I won't tolerate it.

Sorry this was so long. I had to get it off my chest.

love y'all,
JMOM
 

Overwhelmed1

Well-Known Member
Good morning JMom, I am so sorry about how you are feeling today. You have a lot on your plate and all of it sounds like you get no respect or appreciation for what you are doing for others.

First I am only here to make you feel better. I am no expert and have no business telling anyone how to handle difficult situations given I can't handle my own very well. But sometimes it is better to see the issues and give advise when you are not living in them.

Is it doable for you to avoid your brother all together? Can you go to your parents do what you feel you need to do for them and leave. Don't talk to your brother, don't answer phone calls, hell take your car back so he cannot get to your house easily. It just sounds to me that your brother is the person causing you the most grief.

You wont stop your mother from taking care of him but you don't have to take part in it. Separate yourself from him....Don't speak to your mother about him. Let her contact the cousin if she wants someone to pass money to him. Try and stay completely away from that. If your mom calls for you to come and get him out, tell her to call the local police and they will remove him.

Your son, from what I read and understood you to be saying is doing great. He is working, is paying his way and does not disrespect your wishes of seeing him if he has been drinking. That all sounds good to me and I wouldn't worry about him. By not associating with your brother and listening to him try to make your son look like he is always drinking might ease your mind about your son.

I have had to step away from my family too. I tried taking care of my mom but I see now that was a big mistake. My sister who is bipolar has leaned on my mom her entire life as well. I took them both in just to give my mom a place to live that was not filthy. My sister lived with her and they had three dogs. No one cleaned the house. I would go visit and wouldn't even use the the shower. They lived in a different state but I convinced them to come stay with me.

None of the family would come visit mom once they moved in with me. Not that they visited her much when she lived in the same state as them. Anyway they moved out after two years because they couldn't stand that I worked everyday and then came home and cleaned up after them and their dogs. I never complained about it, just did it. They on the other hand complained that I was making them feel bad and throwing away stuff they wanted. They are both hoarders. I through away junk.
It hurt me so bad to not be able to give my mom a clean place to stay. She was always clean and neat when we were growing up. But, it is not what she wanted any more.

I only tell you this because you only need to do what needs to be done. Take care of your mom with what she needs from you to stay well but do not try to change her mind about your brother. It is useless and not what she wants. You are causing yourself despair over someone that is not willing or wanting your help in this situation.

Focus on how well your son is doing. It sounds like he has came a long way. Don't let the other issues bring you down. Walk away, it is not your fight.

I hope this comes across in the loving manner in which it is intended. I really care about you and want you to have a happy life!!!

Peace and Love
 
Last edited:

Kalahou

Well-Known Member
You are causing yourself despair over someone that is not willing or wanting your help in this situation.
Thank you for this needed reminder, Overwhelmed! This is a new "mantra" for me …

Focus on how well your son is doing. It sounds like he has came a long way. Don't let the other issues bring you down. Walk away, it is not your fight.
JMom, I agree with this. Take care.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
When your brother says those things about your son, he might be trying to stir the pot. Some people accuse others when trying to cover up for their own behavior.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
insure the car-that's still in my name
I would change the title NOW. You know this.
he started drinking
You know about this too. What can you do, except tell him directly how you feel, and let go? Like this:
I am really strong now when it comes to my son. I just say my piece and move on
He's fought for his health before. He knows what to do.
my son is headed in the wrong direction
You don't know this. This is a fear and it's yours to handle. I think you're handing this correctly, *see above, telling him of your concern, and moving on.

I agree with Crayola that your brother is the weak link here. He IS stirring the pot. I can see why you took every single step you did, but you know what to do now. Your mother and brother seek the life they have. No matter what you do for her, it won't be straightened out, because every time you try to unravel a tangle, she rushes to tangle it right back up again. Same with him.

But she's the only mother you have, and what you do on one level, you're doing for yourself, first, to look in the mirror, and two, for humanity's sake, and three, so that you are not eaten up with regret when it's her time to pass.

I had people like this in my family. There is no good way to do this. Each of us has to find our way through. I am sorry.
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Dear Jmom, I read your post and I hope you feel better after typing it out, I know it always makes me feel a bit lighter. I know as we maneuver thought all this madness it is good to hear from others that are down the road and have a bit more insight. You are getting pulled from many directions. When I feel overwhelmed and confused I go into deep meditative prayer and ask for divine guidance, then follow what my gut is telling me. We all can make suggestions with what worked for us but you know all the moving parts so you have to do what feels right only to you.
If I were with you right now I would take a long walk with you and then stretch out in a swimming pool since water is so good for many things. We then would go to a nice little tea house and we would order a nice meal, mine without onions, and sip on some real good tea. I am so sorry for your hard time but hope you feel the love and care in all our replies. Hope you felt light after our cyber walk, swim and tea house visit.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Good morning JMom, I am so sorry about how you are feeling today. You have a lot on your plate and all of it sounds like you get no respect or appreciation for what you are doing for others.

First I am only here to make you feel better. I am no expert and have no business telling anyone how to handle difficult situations given I can't handle my own very well. But sometimes it is better to see the issues and give advise when you are not living in them.

Is it doable for you to avoid your brother all together? Can you go to your parents do what you feel you need to do for them and leave. Don't talk to your brother, don't answer phone calls, hell take your car back so he cannot get to your house easily. It just sounds to me that your brother is the person causing you the most grief.

You wont stop your mother from taking care of him but you don't have to take part in it. Separate yourself from him....Don't speak to your mother about him. Let her contact the cousin if she wants someone to pass money to him. Try and stay completely away from that. If your mom calls for you to come and get him out, tell her to call the local police and they will remove him.

Your son, from what I read and understood you to be saying is doing great. He is working, is paying his way and does not disrespect your wishes of seeing him if he has been drinking. That all sounds good to me and I wouldn't worry about him. By not associating with your brother and listening to him try to make your son look like he is always drinking might ease your mind about your son.

I have had to step away from my family too. I tried taking care of my mom but I see now that was a big mistake. My sister who is bipolar has leaned on my mom her entire life as well. I took them both in just to give my mom a place to live that was not filthy. My sister lived with her and they had three dogs. No one cleaned the house. I would go visit and wouldn't even use the the shower. They lived in a different state but I convinced them to come stay with me.

None of the family would come visit mom once they moved in with me. Not that they visited her much when she lived in the same state as them. Anyway they moved out after two years because they couldn't stand that I worked everyday and then came home and cleaned up after them and their dogs. I never complained about it, just did it. They on the other hand complained that I was making them feel bad and throwing away stuff they wanted. They are both hoarders. I through away junk.
It hurt me so bad to not be able to give my mom a clean place to stay. She was always clean and neat when we were growing up. But, it is not what she wanted any more.

I only tell you this because you only need to do what needs to be done. Take care of your mom with what she needs from you to stay well but do not try to change her mind about your brother. It is useless and not what she wants. You are causing yourself despair over someone that is not willing or wanting your help in this situation.

Focus on how well your son is doing. It sounds like he has came a long way. Don't let the other issues bring you down. Walk away, it is not your fight.

I hope this comes across in the loving manner in which it is intended. I really care about you and want you to have a happy life!!!

Peace and Love
Thank you OW. You made me feel at peace!
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
I would change the title NOW. You know this.You know about this too. What can you do, except tell him directly how you feel, and let go? Like this: He's fought for his health before. He knows what to do.
You don't know this. This is a fear and it's yours to handle. I think you're handing this correctly, *see above, telling him of your concern, and moving on.

I agree with Crayola that your brother is the weak link here. He IS stirring the pot. I can see why you took every single step you did, but you know what to do now. Your mother and brother seek the life they have. No matter what you do for her, it won't be straightened out, because every time you try to unravel a tangle, she rushes to tangle it right back up again. Same with him.

But she's the only mother you have, and what you do on one level, you're doing for yourself, first, to look in the mirror, and two, for humanity's sake, and three, so that you are not eaten up with regret when it's her time to pass.

I had people like this in my family. There is no good way to do this. Each of us has to find our way through. I am sorry.
Hi Copa,
We signed over the title, sent the bill of sale and are doing the online surrender of the plates tomorrow. You are right I was living in fear. I called him (son) today and he let me in on a little secret. He is newly dating his highschool girlfriend. They met when they were 16. I have always loved her. She broke up with him when he started getting into trouble. She is in nursing school. I'm excited.

I have cut off ties with brother prior to all this. I went ahead and told mom he was my source of stress. She agreed to not talk to me about him. He actually got a job and paid my son the money he owed him. Well, knock me over with a feather! That's all fine and good, but I'm still not going to have a relationship with him.

Thanks Copa, you always give good vibes!
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Dear Jmom, I read your post and I hope you feel better after typing it out, I know it always makes me feel a bit lighter. I know as we maneuver thought all this madness it is good to hear from others that are down the road and have a bit more insight. You are getting pulled from many directions. When I feel overwhelmed and confused I go into deep meditative prayer and ask for divine guidance, then follow what my gut is telling me. We all can make suggestions with what worked for us but you know all the moving parts so you have to do what feels right only to you.
If I were with you right now I would take a long walk with you and then stretch out in a swimming pool since water is so good for many things. We then would go to a nice little tea house and we would order a nice meal, mine without onions, and sip on some real good tea. I am so sorry for your hard time but hope you feel the love and care in all our replies. Hope you felt light after our cyber walk, swim and tea house visit.
Oh newstart!

I felt the water and tasted the tea. So cool! I did meditate and pray and do feel lighter. I just needed a kick in the butt and a tea party!
JMOM
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Well, Damn. I knew my weird feeling had something to it. One of my son's friends confirmed today that he has been taking pills again with the drinking. Well, all I can say is THANK GOD that I learned self-care and to lean on God. I am disappointed, but I will just talk to him when I get a chance in person. I'll have to be tough and tell him if pills are in-I'm out and will be here when he's done being foolish.

What a difference a few years make. This would've destroyed me a year ago. Hope it doesn't destroy him. Keep him in your prayers guys!

Love,
JMOM
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
JMom:

Good and bad news here.

I'm sure you felt good that your son is dating a girl you like. I wish my son had a girlfriend right now. We are new to this town (he was here 1 year last November) and hasn't really made friends except for an ex girlfriend that he cannot get rid of. Thankfully their "relationship' is only by text. He does have social anxiety.

Scary that your son is on pills again. I was going to say if he drinks and keeps himself in line so be it, BUT the pills are scary. There is no doubt about that. That was MY son's downfall too.

I would state my piece to him about how YOU feel and that HE knows where this will lead and that is all you can do.

My son does drink (lite beer because we forbid him drinking anything else in our home) but he is in college full time (getting A's and B's) and works also. I definitely could not have him here if he was doing any hard drugs and he knows that. Like you, I also am stronger now. He is also 24 so I do remind him that he is a grown man and HE has to decide what kind of life he wants to live. I do feel that he wants to live a life that he knows I will approve of. I am so very thankful for that.

I would really try to stay far away from your brother/mother relationship. I don't know how you can win there. I don't know how you can change that dynamic. I don't think that you can.
 

JMom

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the support guys. I told him I wanted to talk in private but he just wanted me to text. So I simply said I know you are using again and don't want to beat a dead horse. I hope you get it together but I don't want a front row seat to it if you're not. You have a lot more to lose this time.

He called me immediately and denied it. He said he had been smoking weed and drinking. I told him I see the signs and that we will just leave it there. I told him I loved him and ended the call. I haven't heard from him since. I'm sure he is mulling it over. I don't need proof, I've said my peace and I feel better.

He has been to the bottom and has swam to the top. He's capable, if he wants to be sober, he will.
RN, I am steering clear of the mother/brother situation. I'm texting her my love and avoiding all calls/texts from him. I think it will be ok, I just needed a good vent.

Thanks all for listening to me. It's nice to have an outlet so I don't get lost in it all.

LOVE YA!!
JMOM
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Unfortunately mom's just know.

I always second guessed myself too. Husband never saw it.

Yep, I was always right darned it!
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
JMom, I just wanted to throw in my "hello" and say that I read through many of your posts. Whew! Exhausting for you. I'm glad you have distanced yourself from the mother/brother situation and I'm rejoicing at your ability to respond with equilibrium over your son's potential relapse into using again. I admire how you have responded to him.
 
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