sigh... now what? or why did I bother?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by helpangel, Apr 24, 2013.

  1. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    just feel a little broken right now... exhausted

    her case manager @ children's & I have been planning & preparing for this transition for over a year

    Monday I took her for her intake appointment (over 2 hours)

    today took her for her 1st case manager appointment.

    Angel let me sit in on both appointments and I did good to only speak when info from me was needed. I thought everything was on track and going well then at the end the CM said she would schedule another appointment. for Angel and she said "no, I don't want to come back" - CM is checking with supervisor to arrange for Angel to only see psychiatrist for medications.

    I know she's 18yo and its her choice, but I totally can't wrap my head around why she just shot herself in the foot? It's more then just therapy or CM she turned down; she could have access to community supports, housing, transportation, training & job search help, support groups...

    It was all in place and she had them close the case less then 48 hours after they opened it. I know it was selfish of me to fantasize that I was going to be able to get a life (work outside home, schedule appts for myself & keep them etc.) ... the idea that the only thing I have to look forward in life is being Angel's personal assistant makes me just want to pull the covers over my head and die.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Can you get legal guardianship? I have that. By the diagnosis. of your daughter it looks like she will need the help she is refusing. If you are her legal guardian, then that is up to you. It was very easy for us to get it, but son agreed with us that he needed it so I'm not sure what happens if adult child doesn't want guardianship. It could be just as simple if she is declared unable to care for herself. Just throwing an idea at ya. The services have really improved the prospects for my son having a wonderful MOSTLY independent adulthood so I'd really like that for Angel too!
  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    That is unacceptable. You need a life, or you will be sitting with a case manager of your own soon! Do not sentence yourself, or let anyone else sentence you to being Angel's personal assistant and chauffeur for the rest of your life. You need to decide what you will and will not accept. She is entitled and eligible for those services; if she refuses, then why in the world would you continue like this? You will go insane for sure. Please be good to yourself.
  4. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Well I didn't smother under the covers LOL and I haven't given up on the idea of getting a life for myself I just need to adjust the time table a little. Wonder if I point out to her that her decision changes the "having her into her own place" item from 6months - 1 year to 5+ years it will change her mind?

    Anyway the idea of guardianship isn't happening, she would retaliate against that so much one or both of us would probably end up in prison. You're right midwest mom the services available do improve prospects for success so lets hope she changes her mind.

    Thanks for that word calamity jane (unacceptable) I'm writing that one on the calendar to remind myself. Next month when she is out of school there isn't going to be any of that sleep till 4pm then watch tv till dawn nonsense going on - if she does not have a job she will be leaving my house at 8 am and not returning till 4 pm everyday (unless the weather service is saying take shelter) Nope no days off from being unemployed it's 7 days a week LOL

    I'm gonna pick up some bus schedules and take her on a field trip to learn how to use the public transit system, if she calls ahead medicaid will transport her to her doctor appointments (so getting her medications won't be a problem). You're right I wasn't put on this earth to be her maid & chauffeur.

    I figure she will do it on her own for about a month before she decides to let her case manager help her with this stuff... or maybe she will find someone on craig's list she can pay to sleep on their couch and watch their kids
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I completely agree with CJ, this is unacceptable. Do not let her tie you to her stupid choices, you deserve your life.............hang in there and don't give up, keep at it until you get what YOU want. If you can, get support from a counselor for yourself so you can identify YOUR needs and desires. After being a caregiver and Mom for so long, we forget how to take care of ourselves and focus on our needs. You have likely sacrificed big chunks of your life already for your kids, focus on YOU now. Sending you lots of hugs and strength to go have the life you have imagined.........
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    The reason why you bother is because the current situation isn't working for YOU.
    Unfortunately... it does work for HER.

    I'd give the case manager a heads up that the case may not in fact be "closed", but difficult child might need time to come around to the idea...

    And yes... you don't have to make life a picnic, because real life isn't.
  7. I agree with Insane - call the case manager and ask them to leave it open while difficult child thinks about her options.

    Then go ahead with your plan to make life uncomfortable for her. And please let her know that you have a timeline for her to live on her own and exactly what it is. She probably thinks you'll be quite happy to continue being her personal assistant for the rest of your life. Set her straight on that one.

    Hugs to you. It's frustrating when you try and put things in place for a difficult child and they just won't make use of everything you worked so hard to set up for them.
  8. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    thanks everyone for the support I felt so alone when I came here the other day, it's just comforting to know that isn't the case.

    yesterday morning Angel threw a screaming hissy right when the bus got there so she didn't go to school; thought she was going back to bed! That wasn't happening... she made it till about 9 am when she called her case manager at children's for some advice on "how to handle my mom" (LOL love it!) Apparently the case manager got something to sink in because she called Adults and left a message for her new case manager, then when she returned the call scheduled for her to come here to do her treatment plan (I don't have to drive or do anything YAAAAH!)

    I almost fell over when she came out of her room counting her money and asked if I would drive her to school for $5

    So I hit the little mileage thing on the dash to know exactly how far I drove and when she offered me the 5 I took it but handed her $1.50 back (her change LOL) I think she is still in shock I took any money from her myself.
  9. Angel - Yeah!! That sounds like something good came out of that huge hissy fit! I'm glad.

    Keep us posted on the visit from the case manager.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That's great, keep up the good work, take the money, refuse to accept bad behavior, remember, whatever you accept, you live with!
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    This is not an issue that I have coped with but I'm rooting you on. Dysfunctional adults are dysfunctional. You have worked to be "functional" and your child needs to recognize her limitations and manage a plan to oversome as much as possible. You are doing well. Hugs. DDD