Silly me

LeaMac

Member
I actually thought we had establoshed firm boundaries with my 28 year old daughter, but alas .... After leaving rehab in January she has been living with a guy we never heard of. Her baby was placed in foster care ( we declined to take him in). We thought maybe her desire to regain her child would be impetus to get and keep a job Nd turn things around. But now it’s almost Sept and the child is still in foster care. We don’t know the details and don’t want to. Anything my daughter would tell us we wouldn’t believe anyway. Yesterday she texted my husband asking for $1200 to avoid an eviction notice. Just as in the past, this plea comes couched in phrases like “just this once” and “I’ve worked so hard to turn my life around.” She hasn’t worked at all since leaving rehab. and it hasn’t even been a year since she broke into our home and stole several expensive items.

So why am I in such anguish? I don’t think we should give her the money, but my husband is unsure.Why bail her out for the umpteenth time? None of the other assistance we have given her made a bit of difference, except in our bank account. And what happens when/if she gets the baby back and hits us with another plea? I really want nothing to do with her until she has a job and is living responsibly for at least a year. Maybe more.

Thoughts anyone?
 

okie girl

Well-Known Member
I know just how you feel. I have been dealing with my son for years, he is 47 years old! They think we owe it to them. I wouldn't give any money. Who knows if it's for rent or something else. At some point you have to say NO MORE. Hugs
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Leamac, so sorry for your troubles with your daughter and your need to be here. We are all definitely not dealing with ordinary circumstances with our adult children.
But now it’s almost Sept and the child is still in foster care. We don’t know the details and don’t want to. Anything my daughter would tell us we wouldn’t believe anyway. Yesterday she texted my husband asking for $1200 to avoid an eviction notice.
One would think losing a child to foster care would be motivation enough to get on the straight and narrow. So, in seven months since leaving rehab your daughter has not worked, and I am assuming since you don’t know the details, you have not had much communication with her, or much of a relationship, for that matter? The lack of trust is a big issue, one that I have to deal with my two. So much turbulent water under the bridge. While it is good to know she went to rehab, I would wonder if she is using again, that is a telltale marker, the lack of concern and motherly love over her child. My Tornado, left her three in care of their paternal grandparents and went off the radar for a year. Of course in her mind, this is our fault, because “We didn’t try to find her.” or, “Message her on Instagram.”
She is in jail and expected me to bail her out or plea for supervised release. There is no supervising that one.
Why should I? Her expectations and non ownership over her choices is mind boggling.

“I’ve worked so hard to turn my life around.” She hasn’t worked at all since leaving rehab. and it hasn’t even been a year since she broke into our home and stole several expensive items.
Sigh. I’m sorry LeaMac, this is hard stuff to wade through, when our d cs won’t help themselves and expect us to clean up their mess and deny their responsibility. We have been stolen from as well, no admittance or apologies. My daughter is soon to be 30. She has every excuse why she has been on the streets, told me from her jail call that she signed up for treatment, then when I replied that it would be a good thing, ranted on about why does everyone think she is on drugs, “it is just a way to get out of jail.”
I would be very leery of anything an addict tells me, rehab or not. The lack of responsibility your daughter displays for her child and herself are big red flags in my book. $1200 is a lot of money. Even if I could afford it, I couldn’t afford the risk that I would be funding a drug habit, because that is the bitter truth with our waywards. They know how to tug at our heartstrings to get us to open up our purse strings. We think okay, just this once so she will have a roof over her head, not be homeless. But what about the next month, and the next? It is hard, because it gnaws at us and makes us feel we are cold and uncaring, but the fact is, if our adult children are not lifting a finger to be self sufficient, the consequences are, possible eviction. If we rescue them, how do they learn? I honestly think that they think we have an endless supply of funds. Or, since we have savings and retirement money, we should help them. But, what are we funding? What are we helping? I have found that housing my two, just prolonged their drug use, they thought it was our obligation, dragged us into their chaos and stole from us, to boot. Housing them was essentially, like paying their rent. I have made it clear I will not house them, so neither will I pay rent. I wouldn’t do it. Just my opinion, but any money we give an addict, even one who has been to rehab, will potentially be used for drugs.
I refuse to fund drug use.
I understand the anguish you feel, the last thing I ever thought was that I would have two daughters homeless. I learned the hard way that there was no stopping their derailment by trying to keep that from happening. Their choice to use, led to using us, using our resources, which is a huge mess.
Even if your daughter is not using, what excuse does she have for not working? At 28, I assume able bodied, one would think she would work anywhere, to provide for herself. I have a young friend, who is rather unconventional, works odd jobs, cleaning houses, painting, etc. so that she can afford to rent a room.
Both of her parents are deceased, so she has to be self reliant.
This is the thing. My daughters in their present state of mind, would think nothing of coercing me to over extend myself to make their lives more comfortable. They would use my love for them, to bend me, and if I broke, financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, they wouldn’t bat an eye. It is because addiction, dry or using, is inexplicably selfish. Knowing this, I have to be strong and stop my inclination to try and save them. This is where they strike the core of us, then we go down the rabbit hole, beating ourselves up with anxiety and guilt. Enters the FOG. We can’t go walking around living in Fear of what may happen, feeling Obligated to help, feeling Guilty if we do, or don’t. It is no way to live.
Something had to change, it wasn’t going to be my two, so I did.
I said no to my daughters plea after her father died, to “come home”. I knew it would be more of the same. It was the hardest thing, but the right thing, for both of us. Before that, I refused to house my eldest, strung out on meth (denied it), she put up a tent in the bushes up the road from us. Talk about rub my face in it. Ugh.
It was, and is hard. I have learned that love says no. Love for them, and ourselves.
Self love is not self centered selfishness.
The fog would have us think this, that when we say no, we are selfish. There is nothing further from the truth.
We want our adult kids to practice wellness, be self sufficient, healthy, this is self care and self love.
I think that is what we have to model for them. Weigh out our options carefully, be mindful of what our d cs are capable of, both in taking care of their own messes, and their propensity to put it all on us.
Sorry this is so long. It strikes a note with me, very similar to stuff I have dealt with.
$1200- my daughters bail is $11,000.00. She said “You only have to pay 10 percent, Mom” Huh. I have no reason to believe she would make her court dates if she got out.
Sigh.
I concur with Okie, at some point we have to say no more.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
 

LeaMac

Member
Thanks Okie and New Leaf. I needed to hear it from people who have been through it. Telling it to myself just doesn’t have the same effect. You have helped me in my resolve to say no and keep the boundaries in place. Maybe I can sleep a little tonight.
 

Tired out

Well-Known Member
Why are WE expected to go without things we want to pay their bills when they can get off of their lazy behinds and work? Why is my hubby working 7 days/week 8-10 hour days and these lazy (adult) kids think it is ok to ask for money? Seriously. what a bunch of self centered lazy sub-humans.
Maybe she needs the awakening of not having a comfortable place to sleep. Obviously she doesn't care about her own baby BUT you are supposed to pay her way? But she won't work to pay her own baby's way.
Good luck.. don't let her guilt you.
 

Nature

Active Member
I agree with the others to not send your daughter the money. I understand your anguish and as a parent we experience pain at our children's choices and their current lives. You might be asking yourself, "what if this were true?" Perhaps to relieve your mind is there a possibility you can contact the landlord directly? On the other hand I believe there are laws in place that landlords can't serve eviction notices unless the renter is at least 2 months behind in rent.
On a different note most often the courts want to see a child reunited with their natural parents but they must prove they have housing, are drug free....ect....Social Workers may even assist with getting decent housing (depending on where you live) in order to reunite a child with their parent. It doesn't sound from your post that your daughter has made attempts to better herself in order to reunite with her child. You're doing the right thing in my opinion as sadly I understand too well the need to be a rescuer to my child. Hang in there and stay firm.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Welcome and you have gotten the best advice here.

I have nothing to add.

Stay strong. You are RIGHT.
 

Kathy813

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Another no vote. If you give her the money, there will always be a next time. Being homeless was the impetus for my daughter to finally get sober.
 

LeaMac

Member
My husband responded to my daughter yesterday telling her there would be no money. If the eviction thing is legit, then she and her boyfriend need to find a way to be in a stable situation before they bring a child home. Of course my daughter doesn’t look at things that way. She will blame all this on us, as she has everything else.

I heard from a friend this AM who is back from vacation and remarked how good it was to be home. I too am on vacation that I can’t properly enjoy ( like almost every vacation in the past 15 years). But I worry about going home- that she will show up at the door and refuse to leave. ( we have a Defiant Tresspass order against her and a security system) But that doesn’t calm my nerves.

What a way to live as I near my 66th birthday!
 

okie girl

Well-Known Member
I'm almost 68 and it is a terrible way to live. if she comes to your door, don't open it. My son has ruined many, many vacations for me too. Try to not have any contact with her, if you can block her number. This says volumes to them. I know how very hard this is on us. if there is an emergency she has your husband's number. They seem to bully/take advantage of us mothers. Take care and stay strong. we are all in this together. Hugs for your breaking heart
 

Littleboylost

Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
I’m just catching up on this post well done for sticking to your boundaries nothing changes if nothing changes. Enabling never helps him it only puts them on a negative trajectory faster. I’m new at this game my sons only 19 but we never paid his bill either
 
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