Since husband died....

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, May 6, 2010.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    there has been little to no contact from his side of the family. I've called his parents a least once a month. I never get calls from parents-in-law, SILs or brother in law. Nothing, sister in law lives 3 miles from me; the other runs her business here from FL & is in town for a week each month.

    Saying that, with Mother's Day fast approaching I'm less & less reluctant to send mother in law a gift or card. Each year I've sent her a new nightie (she loves fresh new summer nighties) or a plant brother in law can plant in the garden when all is said & done.

    Should I continue the "tradition" ? It seems as though I'm a continuing reminder of the loss of their son/sibling. And I can tell there's some discomfort which was never there before.

    The day after the funeral father in law told me to "keep in touch".

    What do you think?
  2. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    What about foregoing a gift this year and simply send a card or make a phone call to mother in law to wish her a nice day. I know when my brother passed away 8 years ago, we never heard from his wife again (in fact, today would have been my brother's birthday). :sad-very:

    Perhaps the family is trying to move on, and you are a reminder - - - but if you were always very close to his family , a heart-to-heart conversation may be in order.
  3. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    The last time I saw husband's side of the family was at the get together after the memorial service. Literally. They despised me from day one (except for his mother), especially once his mother died.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Linda, I'm pretty direct so since you call the inlaws once a month can you talk to them about this? It might be uncomfortable but you are already uncomfortable so I figure you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I guess the downside is that you have to determine what you don't want to hear...and if you are okay hearing it in case that's the message they convey.

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm leaning toward Suz's suggestion. But I'd be prepared the answer may be that they're trying to move on the best way they can. :(

  6. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I guess I vote, too, for just asking. But I'm blunt like that.

    I can think of several things that may be the response...things were rough at the end so they don't know how to move forward, the in-laws knowinf ans expecting you'll call once a month, so "we'll just ask her then", and maybe, like many of us, (ands it not a good excuse, but...) they are over-booked and they think "I need to call Linda soon, as they drive to a meeting, then rush home to fix supper and make it to practice, etc.

    But I'd ask.

  7. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't know Linda - this is a hard one. I am usually all for up front honestly but.....Let me ask you, how many times a month did they all YOU before husband passed (not husband, but YOU)? How often did you see them? What was their relationship with the tweedles? Did they ever go visit wm before husband passed? Did they ever call the house just to speak with their granddaughter? What did you do at Christmas - did you all exchange cards? Did they send cash or a gift for the kids - a phone call? I ask this because I am trying to just see what kind of relationship you had before husband passed and since then.

    But, I must say, more so than up front honesty, I put a lot of stock in what my heart dictates. If you care about mother in law and your heart dictates that you acknowledge her on Mother's Day, send her a card with a nice little note inside. I must say, your sending her a card is not going to remind her any more of her loss than she already feels - truly.

  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    They may need a reminder that while the lost a son, they still have a wonderful daughter in law and 2 grandkids that love them.

    I say do what your heart says, like LDM said above.
  9. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I agree with Sharon as well. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child or sibling... even if they were an adult and had a family. I would imagine that they just don't know how to proceed with a relationship with you minus husband. This doesn't have to be a bad thing, though, but it could be an opportunity for husband's family to view you & the Tweedles outside the roles they see you in. The same holds true for you and your in-laws. Could you drop-in on your nearby sister in law? Maybe start emailing or linking up on FB?

    I think the natural tendency is to view this as a rejection, but it's most likely a muddled up emotional mess that actually has very little to do with you and the kids. {{{Hugs}}}.