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Single dad / adult son problems
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember1" data-source="post: 760591" data-attributes="member: 23706"><p>Hi. Boy, did I feel your pain! I am so sorry.</p><p></p><p>Although my daughter isn't on such strong drugs as your son is (as far as we know), she is NOT ever sober or working and gave her son up to her sister, my other daughter, to raise. Plus she is just a hot mess and it makes me dizzy just thinking about her. She has pulled all the oxygen out of our worlds ..our entire family. Started at 12 with pot. Yes, 12.</p><p></p><p> She is in her 30s now and took off with her loser husband in an old motorhome and they are, we think, in Arizona way on the other side of the country. She doesn't talk to to us or her siblings. And it took us ten years to move on. Heavens, don't wait that long!</p><p></p><p>Our story is like yours only Kay refused rehabs. But she was our first child, adopted, beautiful and adored. But she got into trouble early although she had constant attention.</p><p></p><p> We threw her out at 20, but had enough money to house her even if she would not work. We bought her a home near us and when that failed we bought her a mobile home on a nice lot. Drugs and fighting with her husband in front of people had the landlords telling them to move their home They just left it . We agreed that it was best. Obviously home ownership was not for them.</p><p></p><p>After that we paid rent for them and bought cars that got crashed up and she fought in the streets with her husband getting tossed out of apartments too. We started to insist they pay some things. Lee the husband had a pizza delivery job. Of course they never ever kept up with any bills and Kay refused to work. So we forked over more and more money but we were all starting to fight. Not like me. Kay wasn't even nice to us most of the time.</p><p></p><p>I was getting physically sick. My husband already had diabetes and high blood pressure and was warned to keep the stress down. My other kids felt neglected. My husband and very I nearly divorced. Our business stopped doing so well. I felt sometimes like I could not keep going on. So I felt I had to get help, which I had resisted so far.</p><p></p><p>My husband and I started Nar Anon and hub and I did private therapy too. We had no time either. Trust me. We were at the business constantly.</p><p></p><p>But we made time even when we had none and both of those therapies together saved my life and the family. Literally. We had to make time. So did my husband. It was not an option to skip Nar Anon meetings. Our son often helped us by working in our place ( my son works with us). We needed to learn a better way to live, even if Kay would not. This was mandatory.</p><p></p><p>Nar Anon and therapy taught us that we can not cure our kids. Even though we often feel guilty about their choices, the facts are we didn't cause the addiction, we can not CONTROL the illness...and we can't cure our beloved kids. There is only one person we can control at all and that one person is us. We can only control how we decide to live our own lives. We can't do one thing to help our addict. The addict will quit when/if he he decides to, no matter how WE try to "help " Helping sometimes stops them from motivation. It never does the trick. It can't be us who changes them. We have 0 control over another persons motivation and desire to do anything at all.</p><p></p><p>Two homes, three cars, rent money, college money ready for Kay to use, a job we gave her at our company (that she wouldn't do) and so much attention....all that did not help Kay one little bit.</p><p></p><p>But it almost destroyed our marriage, destroyed our relationships with our hard working nice kids, pushed us from other family and friends and I almost had a nervous breakdown. We have to take care of us. Put us first. Yes, it sounded horrifying and selfish the first time I heard it. Put ME first? No way....but we must. Putting us first helps us and even our loved ones who see how somebody is taking care of himself in a kind, loving way. It works!</p><p></p><p> in my opinion if you love this woman, she may come first before your son so that two wonderful people can be happy. Move your son out of the house. It is his decision to stay unhappy but you don't have to put your life on hold while he figures things out. Or if he stays in the dark.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion do not destroy your life to try to clean up your son's messes. You can't. He needs to learn to fix his messes. AND pay sometimes serious consequences or he will not learn. He still may not. But it's his best shot.</p><p></p><p> You can not make him well. But you can decide YOU will get help and be good to yourself.</p><p></p><p>Basically both Al Anon and Nar Anon and any good therapist will help you with great tools (I call it my tool chest) for many many coping skills to live well with a troubled child in the back ground. You can get your life back and feel the guilt melting. It may stay a little but I am pretty sure you will one day feel happy again.</p><p></p><p>My daughter being gone has brought peace to our family. Kay seems to be coping while homeless. Her husband works part time. Several years ago we cut off the Bank of Dad and Mom. Half of our retirement had been spent on Kay and she was no better off. So we completely cut off the money and they both got on Disability (what disability....who knows how they talked the government into their being disabled) and with that they get Medicare/Medicaid and food share. And we became semi retired during COVID and our son took over the business. My daughter helps at times too. She is the one raising Kay's son and has her own kids too. Kay's son is autistic but now he is doing much better.</p><p></p><p> We are a family again, this time without Kay because Kay is furious that we won't give her money and also because Kay refuses to behave around the family and will scream that she hates us all at the Thanksgiving table. She has also been violent. But the rest of us are still doing well. We hope one day she gets help.</p><p></p><p>I know this is long. I felt your pain and tried to explain what we did and it takes time for us. If you belong to church or if a higher power is in your life, trust your son to Him. That helps us as well.</p><p></p><p>Much love to you and keep us posted.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember1, post: 760591, member: 23706"] Hi. Boy, did I feel your pain! I am so sorry. Although my daughter isn't on such strong drugs as your son is (as far as we know), she is NOT ever sober or working and gave her son up to her sister, my other daughter, to raise. Plus she is just a hot mess and it makes me dizzy just thinking about her. She has pulled all the oxygen out of our worlds ..our entire family. Started at 12 with pot. Yes, 12. She is in her 30s now and took off with her loser husband in an old motorhome and they are, we think, in Arizona way on the other side of the country. She doesn't talk to to us or her siblings. And it took us ten years to move on. Heavens, don't wait that long! Our story is like yours only Kay refused rehabs. But she was our first child, adopted, beautiful and adored. But she got into trouble early although she had constant attention. We threw her out at 20, but had enough money to house her even if she would not work. We bought her a home near us and when that failed we bought her a mobile home on a nice lot. Drugs and fighting with her husband in front of people had the landlords telling them to move their home They just left it . We agreed that it was best. Obviously home ownership was not for them. After that we paid rent for them and bought cars that got crashed up and she fought in the streets with her husband getting tossed out of apartments too. We started to insist they pay some things. Lee the husband had a pizza delivery job. Of course they never ever kept up with any bills and Kay refused to work. So we forked over more and more money but we were all starting to fight. Not like me. Kay wasn't even nice to us most of the time. I was getting physically sick. My husband already had diabetes and high blood pressure and was warned to keep the stress down. My other kids felt neglected. My husband and very I nearly divorced. Our business stopped doing so well. I felt sometimes like I could not keep going on. So I felt I had to get help, which I had resisted so far. My husband and I started Nar Anon and hub and I did private therapy too. We had no time either. Trust me. We were at the business constantly. But we made time even when we had none and both of those therapies together saved my life and the family. Literally. We had to make time. So did my husband. It was not an option to skip Nar Anon meetings. Our son often helped us by working in our place ( my son works with us). We needed to learn a better way to live, even if Kay would not. This was mandatory. Nar Anon and therapy taught us that we can not cure our kids. Even though we often feel guilty about their choices, the facts are we didn't cause the addiction, we can not CONTROL the illness...and we can't cure our beloved kids. There is only one person we can control at all and that one person is us. We can only control how we decide to live our own lives. We can't do one thing to help our addict. The addict will quit when/if he he decides to, no matter how WE try to "help " Helping sometimes stops them from motivation. It never does the trick. It can't be us who changes them. We have 0 control over another persons motivation and desire to do anything at all. Two homes, three cars, rent money, college money ready for Kay to use, a job we gave her at our company (that she wouldn't do) and so much attention....all that did not help Kay one little bit. But it almost destroyed our marriage, destroyed our relationships with our hard working nice kids, pushed us from other family and friends and I almost had a nervous breakdown. We have to take care of us. Put us first. Yes, it sounded horrifying and selfish the first time I heard it. Put ME first? No way....but we must. Putting us first helps us and even our loved ones who see how somebody is taking care of himself in a kind, loving way. It works! in my opinion if you love this woman, she may come first before your son so that two wonderful people can be happy. Move your son out of the house. It is his decision to stay unhappy but you don't have to put your life on hold while he figures things out. Or if he stays in the dark. in my opinion do not destroy your life to try to clean up your son's messes. You can't. He needs to learn to fix his messes. AND pay sometimes serious consequences or he will not learn. He still may not. But it's his best shot. You can not make him well. But you can decide YOU will get help and be good to yourself. Basically both Al Anon and Nar Anon and any good therapist will help you with great tools (I call it my tool chest) for many many coping skills to live well with a troubled child in the back ground. You can get your life back and feel the guilt melting. It may stay a little but I am pretty sure you will one day feel happy again. My daughter being gone has brought peace to our family. Kay seems to be coping while homeless. Her husband works part time. Several years ago we cut off the Bank of Dad and Mom. Half of our retirement had been spent on Kay and she was no better off. So we completely cut off the money and they both got on Disability (what disability....who knows how they talked the government into their being disabled) and with that they get Medicare/Medicaid and food share. And we became semi retired during COVID and our son took over the business. My daughter helps at times too. She is the one raising Kay's son and has her own kids too. Kay's son is autistic but now he is doing much better. We are a family again, this time without Kay because Kay is furious that we won't give her money and also because Kay refuses to behave around the family and will scream that she hates us all at the Thanksgiving table. She has also been violent. But the rest of us are still doing well. We hope one day she gets help. I know this is long. I felt your pain and tried to explain what we did and it takes time for us. If you belong to church or if a higher power is in your life, trust your son to Him. That helps us as well. Much love to you and keep us posted. [/QUOTE]
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