Single mom, my son is 18 and he started smoking weed when he was 13

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by AG18, Feb 28, 2018.

  1. AG18

    AG18 New Member

    I need someone’s advice. I feel so depressed and confused and I can’t afgord a therapist right now. I feel so bad I kicked my son out of the appointment. I am a single mom, my son is 18 and he started smoking weed when he was 13. I found out he was smoking a year ago. I was always working Unfortunately I was not able to be there with him all the time. He was arrested in December and is in probation. He works and he goes to school. Last monday he lied to me. He told me he would be working after class until the restaurant closes. He did not. I texted him and I couldn’t understand what he texted me. Something was not right. I called him he sounded like he was drunk or in drugs. I argued with him and ask him to come to get his staff. He has no place to go, but i feel if I let him stay here he will continue this behavior. I feel so bad. I dont know what to do. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do. He also told me he has tried xanax. I feel like I failed as a mother. Please help me. I feel so depressed i wish i can disappear from this world.
     
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome AG18. You've posted on another person's thread, it would be beneficial for you to start your own thread on Substance Abuse or Parent Emeritus (which is for kids older than 18). You will receive more responses that way.

    You're not alone AG18, you'll find many parents here in a similar place. You are NOT a failed mother, you are a scared mother who has a child who is abusing drugs.....you didn't cause this and you can't control it.

    If you can, read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. Many parents here attend 12 step meetings like Al Anon, Families anonymous and/or Narc Anon. They can be remarkably effective support systems.

    Hang in there, start your own thread and find yourself support as soon as you're able, this is hard stuff to do alone. Read thru some of the threads on the Substance Abuse forum, I think you'll find much solace there.

    I'm glad you're here. You're not alone.
     
  3. Tired mama

    Tired mama Active Member

    Welcome AG18. I am sorry for your troubles. There is also a book called codependents no more by Melanie Beattie which might be helpful. Your son is still young and by addressing this now he has a better chance to turn his life around. If he is smoking weed and has tried xanax he may have tried other stuff as well. If you are able you might be prepared with information on rehabs where he could get help if he asks. I know this is hard but you are not a bad mom. You are a caring mom who is doing what is needed to help her son.
     
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi AG and weclome. So very sorry for your need to be here. First off, you are not a bad mother. You are a single mom who had to work to pay the bills, have a roof over your heads and be able to eat. There are many kids who grew up in similar settings and thrive.
    I worked off and on, but mostly was there for my kids, provided activities and kept them busy. Still, two of them smoked pot around the same age as your son ( I didn’t know at the time) and that was the start of a long roller coaster ride of crazy.
    They blamed me for all of their troubles, and boy did that make me feel guilty.
    I think most of us here can tell you that we all reeled those memory tapes back on raising our kids and could find moments we wished we could have done better. Of course we made mistakes, we are only human.
    In the course of this madness, we are looking for answers, want to know what the heck happened to those bundles of joy we brought home from the hospital, those toddlers who took their first steps.....
    They grew up.
    That’s what happened.
    We did the best job we could to teach them right.
    The kids just grow up and make their own choices.
    My two d cs (difficult children) were stubborn from 12. I thought it was hormones and the usual teen issues, but looking back, I’m pretty sure they were smoking weed. It was like a war zone at times.
    You have been dealing with this for five years now, that’s a lot of frustrating moments for a Mom, not to mention a sole provider.
    I know how hard it is to ask your 18 year old to leave, with no place to go. I did the same with my daughter. It got to the point where I had no choice. She had been given rules and boundaries and refused to follow them. She was disrespectful and sneaky. It was awful to live with. I had had it up to here. We argued and I not very nicely told her to “get the eff out.” (Confession, I still feel badly about that 20 years later). Not that I made her leave, I wish I had kept my composure. I am sharing this with you because I know how terrible things get to bring a mom to this point.
    Then we go through this period of mourning. “Did I do the right thing? This is my child, for God’s sake.”
    It was super depressing for me, too.
    I look back now, and know it was the right thing.
    The mistake I made was letting my two come back home off and on over the years. They never got better with us, in fact, they got worse.
    I have since stopped using the term “kicked my kids out” because I didn’t, their choices did. They would not follow rules, were not appreciative of a place to stay, were extremely rude and disrespectful to me, (not their Dad, they wouldn’t dare). It was unacceptable to be living with those conditions.
    Over 10 years I accepted them home with their golden promises of change, rearranged my small home and after a few days.....boom right back to the same ole same ole. So, I would tell them to leave and go through the whole grieving process all over again.
    AG dear, please lift your spirits up. You had no choice but to stand firm for your son. He lied to you, was acting suspiciously high, which is most likely a violation of his probation.
    What else could you do? Allow him to live at home and continue a backslide and take you with him?
    Uh uh. No mas. Unacceptable.
    You love your son and want the best for him.
    Sometimes love just has to say no. No, you will not stay here and spend your money on getting high. No, you cannot get away with lying to me.
    Love says no and love says enough.
    What you did was give your son a consequence of the choice he made.
    We humans don’t learn much with out consequences.
    You are his mom and you love him enough to do something that hurt you to your core, but you knew you had to. I know how that feels. It is hard.

    Cry when you need to and get all of those feelings out. Then, when you feel a bit stronger, start reading everything you can that supports your decision to stand firm for your son, for the peace and sanctity of your home, for your own self respect. Because all those things are at stake when there is drug use in our homes.
    Bonus too, they don’t cost money.
    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I am sorry for your broken heart AG, I have been there many times.
    Feel what you need to, then swim your way up to the surface and breathe.
    There is a way through this. One small step at a time. You are not alone. There are many here who understand how you feel.
    (((Hugs)))
    Leafy
     
  5. Baggy Bags

    Baggy Bags Member

    You will find support and good advice here. Glad you found this place.

    I homeschooled my son. Was with him all the time. Completely dedicated to him. Still, he too started smoking pot at 13.

    This is not your fault. Please don't blame yourself.

    It sounds like you two are close. He answers your texts and your calls even when he's high or drunk.
    That, to me, says that he also worries and cares about you. Hang on to that.

    If you are sure about your decision, stay strong. If you made it out of anger and aren't sure, give it some more thought.

    (((Hugs)))
     
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My son is out and will it be back to live. He got kicked out of Detox yesterday and I said either sort it out or go to jail. He has found a sober living temporary place to detox until he enters. Rehab.

    Your doing the right thing. It hard so very very hard and that’s what makes to a great mom. It takes tremendous love to do the most important and most difficult thing.
     
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome

    Please let us know how you are doing.