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Sister out of house, what rights do we have with her stuff?
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<blockquote data-quote="hamsterdance" data-source="post: 714652" data-attributes="member: 22048"><p>I guess I didn't really answer the "how do you know she's not going to be allowed back" question.</p><p></p><p>So, basically.. my dad is head of household, but he gives in to my mom's wishes. This is the reason my sister has been given so many chances in the past. She would blow up at him and they'd get into a verbal fight. He'd get sick of her. He'd kick her out. She'd find a friend to go move in with. This entailed all of us moving her crap out of the house for her. Then a week or two later, my mom would get a phone call. Either she couldn't pay rent when (god forbid) someone asked her to pay rent instead of sacking out at their place for free, or she didn't like the living arrangement (living with a friend can make you hate them fast). So, my mom would smooth things over.. and we'd be over at that place at 1am (yes, 1am in the morning) packing up her crap to haul it off.</p><p></p><p>All of this taught her that she could blow up and "I'll show them!" and the rest of us were basically just her slave labor to deal with the fallout... because my mom was the one organizing it all and talking my dad into giving her another pass and "we're family and we need to pitch in".. that whole spleel.</p><p></p><p>That's done with.</p><p></p><p>My sister basically burned her bridge with my mom over the past year by making my mom live in fear of her life. From escalating verbal abuse when my dad wasn't around, passive-aggressive behavior to show her "who's boss", stealing her things and hoarding them in her room without permission, making my mom wonder if my sister was going to escalate to physical abuse/violence....</p><p></p><p>My mom has been living in fear for a year now. Quietly.</p><p></p><p>She's done.</p><p></p><p>And since she's done... that means the whole family is done.. or at least in regards to my parents. My mom was the one that would sway my dad into taking her back. Even if my dad wanted to take her back now, my mom is now the one that will sway him to not take her back.</p><p></p><p>And even the logic of the situation has my dad not wanting to take her back... you have a person that has been known to get violent, you find out they've been escalating things against something that is elderly and wheel-chair bound and can't defend themselves... it makes no sense to bring that person back into the house and risk recreating that kind of environment.</p><p></p><p>I'm done with her. I was done with her back in the 00's before she got diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Just a series of events made our relationship go south and I was done.</p><p></p><p>I'm currently living with girlfriend / fiance, and she has an extended family that involves young kids (nieces and nephews).. and I sure as HELL do not want my sister involved with any of that. She has not been around little kids, so I have no clue how she would react and I don't want the possibility of her potentially scarring some young kids for life with threats or out-bursts or other things.</p><p></p><p>I especially did not want my sister mixing with my girlfriend or her family after my sister made an angry phone call to me one day basically going off on me about how my girlfriend/ fiance was the root of all evil in my life, she wanted me to dump her.. she called her "the new girl" (the new girlfriend)... I had been with my girlfriend for like 5 years now, us living together for like 3...and my sister's grasp of time was so distorted that she was talking like I was just starting to be with my girlfriend / fiance. She spent about 3 minutes blasting me on the phone and berating my brother for being a wimp that she walks all over (red flags all over the place)... I just laid right back into her.</p><p></p><p>What I find disconcerting in looking at online resources about how to deal with someone with mental health is a lot of them say "the person can't help it" and "try to help out"... all of the advice seems like it's designed to turn you into a doormat that the person can walk all over... "they're going to have out-bursts.. just weather the storm". No. I wanted her to know that she was not allowed to do this and this was not ok. If she wants to have outbursts, then there's going to be repercussions. So, I just told her "this conversation is over, don't ever call me again... we're through. I'm done dealing with you." And I hung up.</p><p></p><p>Next phone call was me talking to my dad about what the heck that was all about.. and turns out my sister was off her medications (had gone from "taking medication regularly" to "only taking it when she thinks she needs it" apparently... so, basically.. not proactively maintaining and instead reactively dosing as she saw fit). And the out-burst to me was just another in a series.</p><p></p><p>So, then my dad asks me when my girlfriend and I are coming over for Thanksgiving, and I pretty much told my dad bluntly that after that phone call... neither my girlfriend nor I would be coming over any more. I was not going to risk bringing my girlfriend into an environment with someone that's going off their medications and is prone to getting violent .. especially after my sister just out-right told me she hates her and she's the root of all evil. I didn't want to come over anymore, because the last few times was just my sister staying in her room never coming out at all. I'm in college and middle-aged, and under a lot of stress and walking a fine line between success and failure.. and i just didn't want to deal with the junk going on at their place anymore.</p><p></p><p>So.. my sister moving in with my girlfriend and me.. that's a definite no-go.</p><p></p><p>My brother is the one I worry about. He's the kind of guy that is all about family, and he will give you the shirt off his back if it would help you. I have always been respectful of that and made sure I never over-stepped or took advantage of him (eg: if I had to borrow his car, I would wash it and fill up the gas, and I pitched in to help with maintenance on it). My sister has been basically walking all over him and taking advantage of him right and left. After christmas if she got any money, she would expect him to take her out shopping to go buy ... stuff. And he would. This is when I stopped giving her money for christmas. I got sick of her acting like she was queen of the world because she suddenly had a few bucks in her pocket and could escape her hermit existence.</p><p></p><p>On the phone call with her she made it very clear she didn't respect him, and was trying to bully me until I pushed back on her and told her to basically shut up and get out of my life.</p><p></p><p>I called and talked to my brother and asked him if she called him.. would he take her in? He lives alone in an apartment. No girlfriend, no wife, no kids... no pets even. (My whole family is very reclusive and introverted..which I dont' think helps when somene is dealing with a mental health disorder... my sister was isolating herself and downward spiraling, and my family just kept it as an elephant in the room).</p><p></p><p>He says he's not going to take her in. But, I can just imagine one phone call where she's crying and pleading.. and he's going to give in.</p><p></p><p>I told him flat-out that if he takes her in.. his life is pretty much over. She's going to walk all over him, bully him, threaten him.. and he folds too easy. 10-20 years from now he is going to be living in an apartment that looks like an episode of hoarders... downtrodden and haggard as he's had to work to keep paying bills while she stays home and ruins the place and they both turn into a crazy run-down bitter sibling "couple".</p><p></p><p>He sort of paused on the phone to consider that for a few seconds. And when I asked if he was still there he said "yeah.. just thinking."</p><p></p><p>So... I think this is a hard situaiton for him the most.</p><p></p><p>Is my sister going back into the house? No.</p><p></p><p>Is my brother going to take her in? ... wellll.... It's like Lord of the Rings ..."I would do this blinded by the best of intentions... but it would have the worst of outcomes."</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hamsterdance, post: 714652, member: 22048"] I guess I didn't really answer the "how do you know she's not going to be allowed back" question. So, basically.. my dad is head of household, but he gives in to my mom's wishes. This is the reason my sister has been given so many chances in the past. She would blow up at him and they'd get into a verbal fight. He'd get sick of her. He'd kick her out. She'd find a friend to go move in with. This entailed all of us moving her crap out of the house for her. Then a week or two later, my mom would get a phone call. Either she couldn't pay rent when (god forbid) someone asked her to pay rent instead of sacking out at their place for free, or she didn't like the living arrangement (living with a friend can make you hate them fast). So, my mom would smooth things over.. and we'd be over at that place at 1am (yes, 1am in the morning) packing up her crap to haul it off. All of this taught her that she could blow up and "I'll show them!" and the rest of us were basically just her slave labor to deal with the fallout... because my mom was the one organizing it all and talking my dad into giving her another pass and "we're family and we need to pitch in".. that whole spleel. That's done with. My sister basically burned her bridge with my mom over the past year by making my mom live in fear of her life. From escalating verbal abuse when my dad wasn't around, passive-aggressive behavior to show her "who's boss", stealing her things and hoarding them in her room without permission, making my mom wonder if my sister was going to escalate to physical abuse/violence.... My mom has been living in fear for a year now. Quietly. She's done. And since she's done... that means the whole family is done.. or at least in regards to my parents. My mom was the one that would sway my dad into taking her back. Even if my dad wanted to take her back now, my mom is now the one that will sway him to not take her back. And even the logic of the situation has my dad not wanting to take her back... you have a person that has been known to get violent, you find out they've been escalating things against something that is elderly and wheel-chair bound and can't defend themselves... it makes no sense to bring that person back into the house and risk recreating that kind of environment. I'm done with her. I was done with her back in the 00's before she got diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. Just a series of events made our relationship go south and I was done. I'm currently living with girlfriend / fiance, and she has an extended family that involves young kids (nieces and nephews).. and I sure as HELL do not want my sister involved with any of that. She has not been around little kids, so I have no clue how she would react and I don't want the possibility of her potentially scarring some young kids for life with threats or out-bursts or other things. I especially did not want my sister mixing with my girlfriend or her family after my sister made an angry phone call to me one day basically going off on me about how my girlfriend/ fiance was the root of all evil in my life, she wanted me to dump her.. she called her "the new girl" (the new girlfriend)... I had been with my girlfriend for like 5 years now, us living together for like 3...and my sister's grasp of time was so distorted that she was talking like I was just starting to be with my girlfriend / fiance. She spent about 3 minutes blasting me on the phone and berating my brother for being a wimp that she walks all over (red flags all over the place)... I just laid right back into her. What I find disconcerting in looking at online resources about how to deal with someone with mental health is a lot of them say "the person can't help it" and "try to help out"... all of the advice seems like it's designed to turn you into a doormat that the person can walk all over... "they're going to have out-bursts.. just weather the storm". No. I wanted her to know that she was not allowed to do this and this was not ok. If she wants to have outbursts, then there's going to be repercussions. So, I just told her "this conversation is over, don't ever call me again... we're through. I'm done dealing with you." And I hung up. Next phone call was me talking to my dad about what the heck that was all about.. and turns out my sister was off her medications (had gone from "taking medication regularly" to "only taking it when she thinks she needs it" apparently... so, basically.. not proactively maintaining and instead reactively dosing as she saw fit). And the out-burst to me was just another in a series. So, then my dad asks me when my girlfriend and I are coming over for Thanksgiving, and I pretty much told my dad bluntly that after that phone call... neither my girlfriend nor I would be coming over any more. I was not going to risk bringing my girlfriend into an environment with someone that's going off their medications and is prone to getting violent .. especially after my sister just out-right told me she hates her and she's the root of all evil. I didn't want to come over anymore, because the last few times was just my sister staying in her room never coming out at all. I'm in college and middle-aged, and under a lot of stress and walking a fine line between success and failure.. and i just didn't want to deal with the junk going on at their place anymore. So.. my sister moving in with my girlfriend and me.. that's a definite no-go. My brother is the one I worry about. He's the kind of guy that is all about family, and he will give you the shirt off his back if it would help you. I have always been respectful of that and made sure I never over-stepped or took advantage of him (eg: if I had to borrow his car, I would wash it and fill up the gas, and I pitched in to help with maintenance on it). My sister has been basically walking all over him and taking advantage of him right and left. After christmas if she got any money, she would expect him to take her out shopping to go buy ... stuff. And he would. This is when I stopped giving her money for christmas. I got sick of her acting like she was queen of the world because she suddenly had a few bucks in her pocket and could escape her hermit existence. On the phone call with her she made it very clear she didn't respect him, and was trying to bully me until I pushed back on her and told her to basically shut up and get out of my life. I called and talked to my brother and asked him if she called him.. would he take her in? He lives alone in an apartment. No girlfriend, no wife, no kids... no pets even. (My whole family is very reclusive and introverted..which I dont' think helps when somene is dealing with a mental health disorder... my sister was isolating herself and downward spiraling, and my family just kept it as an elephant in the room). He says he's not going to take her in. But, I can just imagine one phone call where she's crying and pleading.. and he's going to give in. I told him flat-out that if he takes her in.. his life is pretty much over. She's going to walk all over him, bully him, threaten him.. and he folds too easy. 10-20 years from now he is going to be living in an apartment that looks like an episode of hoarders... downtrodden and haggard as he's had to work to keep paying bills while she stays home and ruins the place and they both turn into a crazy run-down bitter sibling "couple". He sort of paused on the phone to consider that for a few seconds. And when I asked if he was still there he said "yeah.. just thinking." So... I think this is a hard situaiton for him the most. Is my sister going back into the house? No. Is my brother going to take her in? ... wellll.... It's like Lord of the Rings ..."I would do this blinded by the best of intentions... but it would have the worst of outcomes." [/QUOTE]
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Sister out of house, what rights do we have with her stuff?
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