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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 665585" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My Mother in her old age, could have said this, about a situation in which she did not participate.</p><p></p><p>In her youth, I think she was so completely underwater, that all she could do was emote. She resented all of the work. She resented a womanizing husband. I think she hated her life. She just reacted.</p><p></p><p>When she was an actor in the scenario, she lacked any perspective. She always chose for herself. Punishing. Blaming. No sense whatsoever of her responsibility to be educating, as a moral force, to guide.</p><p></p><p>I believe there was no empathy for us. All of their emotional energy was devoted to themselves. In some ways, I believe they felt us to be enemies.</p><p>No. I do not believe they are universally bad people. In the case of my own mother, I do think she knew, but could not or chose not to act from it. </p><p></p><p>I believe my mother was a lot like me in the sense that when I would go to her...with pain or shame...she felt responsible...guilty...blamed. And reacted with shaming, blaming. </p><p></p><p>Like the hot potato. Wanting to do anything to get it out of her own hands.</p><p>I believe that if you read Family Systems Theory you might find a perspective through which to understand. I do not thing it is "you" Cedar. I think it is the position you have occupied in the family, and the rules by which the family operates...based upon your mother's conduct. And, historically, your father's.</p><p>Yes. Your sense of responsibility and sense of obligation to fix things stems from the perverted perspective of the child who is responsible for everything. EVERYTHING. Every pain, whim, reaction, stress of the mother. You feel you caused. And that is what you are working to change.</p><p>Yes. </p><p></p><p>But the thing to fight for is your self. As long as you fight on the terrain of the family, you are not on solid ground. You cannot fight in relation to them, because any gain would be illusory. That is what D H has been trying to tell you. </p><p></p><p>As long as anything is in relation to them....it is ephemeral....not a gain at all. You give them power.</p><p>That is the stance took on as a child. That is what you are working to change. </p><p></p><p>I want to start trying to find practices within the posts that address these very issues.</p><p></p><p>How could you address this distortion in your thinking, Cedar? How can you now look at your life, yourself, and talk back to that sense you are universally responsible? And to be blamed?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 665585, member: 18958"] My Mother in her old age, could have said this, about a situation in which she did not participate. In her youth, I think she was so completely underwater, that all she could do was emote. She resented all of the work. She resented a womanizing husband. I think she hated her life. She just reacted. When she was an actor in the scenario, she lacked any perspective. She always chose for herself. Punishing. Blaming. No sense whatsoever of her responsibility to be educating, as a moral force, to guide. I believe there was no empathy for us. All of their emotional energy was devoted to themselves. In some ways, I believe they felt us to be enemies. No. I do not believe they are universally bad people. In the case of my own mother, I do think she knew, but could not or chose not to act from it. I believe my mother was a lot like me in the sense that when I would go to her...with pain or shame...she felt responsible...guilty...blamed. And reacted with shaming, blaming. Like the hot potato. Wanting to do anything to get it out of her own hands. I believe that if you read Family Systems Theory you might find a perspective through which to understand. I do not thing it is "you" Cedar. I think it is the position you have occupied in the family, and the rules by which the family operates...based upon your mother's conduct. And, historically, your father's. Yes. Your sense of responsibility and sense of obligation to fix things stems from the perverted perspective of the child who is responsible for everything. EVERYTHING. Every pain, whim, reaction, stress of the mother. You feel you caused. And that is what you are working to change. Yes. But the thing to fight for is your self. As long as you fight on the terrain of the family, you are not on solid ground. You cannot fight in relation to them, because any gain would be illusory. That is what D H has been trying to tell you. As long as anything is in relation to them....it is ephemeral....not a gain at all. You give them power. That is the stance took on as a child. That is what you are working to change. I want to start trying to find practices within the posts that address these very issues. How could you address this distortion in your thinking, Cedar? How can you now look at your life, yourself, and talk back to that sense you are universally responsible? And to be blamed? [/QUOTE]
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