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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 665588" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My insert quote machine is not working. (Now it is.)</p><p></p><p>First, eye rolling. The time my sister recently married brought her 3rd husband to San Francisco to see me.</p><p></p><p>I realized it as if she was bringing him to see a bear in the zoo. It was not to meet me. It was to observe me. And to understand how difficult it was to have such an unruly species such as I am in her family.</p><p></p><p>So, I had invited them, and her girls to our lovely apartment and made a lovely, lovely lunch. Soup to nuts.</p><p></p><p>And my control freak sister had arranged for a sight seeing event...6 months in advance (that in itself makes me scream in agony...like butterflies in a display). I mean, after all, this is the City of my birth....and I am in my fifties at this point. I mean, do I really want to go sight seeing?</p><p></p><p>So, I said, I did not want to go, but we can arrange to meet for dinner, if they might like to do so...</p><p></p><p>And my sister pointedly looked at her new husband...and rolled her eyes. Right in front of me. To as if say....I know who you are and what you are.</p><p></p><p>And to him. I told you she is nothing but a bear. See???</p><p></p><p>And in that she conforms exactly to the behavior she exhibited towards M. Deliberately communicating contempt. Her ability to define people, by decree. To their face.</p><p></p><p>So now the quote machine decided to work.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>Where is that post, Cedar?</p><p>This is the fog, Cedar, I think. I mean, all of the things my sister would do. I could not believe that she would do. I mean, I really could not believe she would deliberately ask a 2 year old for his car seat, when his mother ME was sitting there. Or really, look at M up and down with derision to devalue him and me.</p><p></p><p>What kind of person does these things???? There is disbelief, still. Trying to undue our perceptions.</p><p></p><p>Because the emotions that these kinds of actions bring up are so toxic.</p><p></p><p>Rage. Disbelief. Invalidation. Powerlessness.</p><p></p><p>How could our sister/mother treat us as if we are so worthless? So little entitled to humanity.</p><p></p><p>My mother used to say about my sister....she cried over her dog dying....(the inference...we are less than animals to them.)</p><p></p><p>And the thing is <em>there will always be a hook as long as we believe we deserve it.</em></p><p></p><p>As long as I stay <em>STUNNED </em>by my sister's bad behavior, I will remain captive to it. And I will remain in that state of personhood, that feels I deserve it.</p><p></p><p>Instead I have the opportunity to denounce the behavior and her. As we have learned to do with our children.</p><p></p><p><em>I will not tolerate this disrespect. You will not roll your eyes about me in my space. You can choose to leave my apartment now if you want to continue with that eye rolling behavior. What you say or do with your husband in your space is your business. What you do in my space, is mine.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>And in the hospital, when she looked M up and down, I did not see it. He told me.</p><p></p><p>But if I had I would have said: <em>You show him respect in front of me. To look at a man's body up and down like you did, reflects very poorly on you. What kind of woman would do such a thing? Are you trying to demonstrate your power or your desire, L? Why would you want to emulate the most obnoxious of behaviors of abusive men? Whatever your intent, do not do it with me or mine.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>And with the doctor in the hospital when she left the room to follow the doctor outside the room so she could demonstrate her utmost authority.</p><p></p><p><em>L, Mama can speak for herself, but I want to speak for me. Decisions about Mama are hers to make. Unless she authorizes you or I to speak privately with her physician, we cross a boundary, if we choose to do so without her authorization.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>In any event, what you did just now, is a transgression to me that I will not tolerate. You chose to communicate privately to Mama's doctor, according to an agenda that is yours alone.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p><em>First, you had no legal or moral right to do so. Second, you acted against me. Because even if Mama was not capable of acting in her own interests, which she is capable of doing....I am equally empowered legally to decide with you. Please keep this in mind, in the future.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>So, now I am seeing why she treats me as she does. I never in my life stood up to her like this.</p><p></p><p>This is not to say that I allowed myself to be her door mat .... but any standing up I did out of sight. How different might have been if I had spoken up with them.</p><p></p><p>If I had allowed myself a voice, I could have had relationships with both of them, probably. How sad.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 665588, member: 18958"] My insert quote machine is not working. (Now it is.) First, eye rolling. The time my sister recently married brought her 3rd husband to San Francisco to see me. I realized it as if she was bringing him to see a bear in the zoo. It was not to meet me. It was to observe me. And to understand how difficult it was to have such an unruly species such as I am in her family. So, I had invited them, and her girls to our lovely apartment and made a lovely, lovely lunch. Soup to nuts. And my control freak sister had arranged for a sight seeing event...6 months in advance (that in itself makes me scream in agony...like butterflies in a display). I mean, after all, this is the City of my birth....and I am in my fifties at this point. I mean, do I really want to go sight seeing? So, I said, I did not want to go, but we can arrange to meet for dinner, if they might like to do so... And my sister pointedly looked at her new husband...and rolled her eyes. Right in front of me. To as if say....I know who you are and what you are. And to him. I told you she is nothing but a bear. See??? And in that she conforms exactly to the behavior she exhibited towards M. Deliberately communicating contempt. Her ability to define people, by decree. To their face. So now the quote machine decided to work. Yes. Where is that post, Cedar? This is the fog, Cedar, I think. I mean, all of the things my sister would do. I could not believe that she would do. I mean, I really could not believe she would deliberately ask a 2 year old for his car seat, when his mother ME was sitting there. Or really, look at M up and down with derision to devalue him and me. What kind of person does these things???? There is disbelief, still. Trying to undue our perceptions. Because the emotions that these kinds of actions bring up are so toxic. Rage. Disbelief. Invalidation. Powerlessness. How could our sister/mother treat us as if we are so worthless? So little entitled to humanity. My mother used to say about my sister....she cried over her dog dying....(the inference...we are less than animals to them.) And the thing is [I]there will always be a hook as long as we believe we deserve it.[/I] As long as I stay [I]STUNNED [/I]by my sister's bad behavior, I will remain captive to it. And I will remain in that state of personhood, that feels I deserve it. Instead I have the opportunity to denounce the behavior and her. As we have learned to do with our children. [I]I will not tolerate this disrespect. You will not roll your eyes about me in my space. You can choose to leave my apartment now if you want to continue with that eye rolling behavior. What you say or do with your husband in your space is your business. What you do in my space, is mine. [/I] And in the hospital, when she looked M up and down, I did not see it. He told me. But if I had I would have said: [I]You show him respect in front of me. To look at a man's body up and down like you did, reflects very poorly on you. What kind of woman would do such a thing? Are you trying to demonstrate your power or your desire, L? Why would you want to emulate the most obnoxious of behaviors of abusive men? Whatever your intent, do not do it with me or mine. [/I] And with the doctor in the hospital when she left the room to follow the doctor outside the room so she could demonstrate her utmost authority. [I]L, Mama can speak for herself, but I want to speak for me. Decisions about Mama are hers to make. Unless she authorizes you or I to speak privately with her physician, we cross a boundary, if we choose to do so without her authorization. In any event, what you did just now, is a transgression to me that I will not tolerate. You chose to communicate privately to Mama's doctor, according to an agenda that is yours alone. First, you had no legal or moral right to do so. Second, you acted against me. Because even if Mama was not capable of acting in her own interests, which she is capable of doing....I am equally empowered legally to decide with you. Please keep this in mind, in the future. [/I] So, now I am seeing why she treats me as she does. I never in my life stood up to her like this. This is not to say that I allowed myself to be her door mat .... but any standing up I did out of sight. How different might have been if I had spoken up with them. If I had allowed myself a voice, I could have had relationships with both of them, probably. How sad. [/QUOTE]
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