Sitting here crying, frustrated, overwhelmed..i could just scream! Kinda long sorry

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by FeatherAhead, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. FeatherAhead

    FeatherAhead New Member

    My wonderful daughter, whom by the way just finished kindergarted excelling above grade level in everything..has been diagnosed with ODD and Anxiety= they bring out symptoms of ADHD(hyperactivity)...
    I have known things have been "different" since she was born. She wasn't consolable etc.
    Fast forward. It has been a week since the official diagnosis. Out of 9 days or so we have had 2 bad days. I know it is because we are able to look at each situation differently that the good days are out numbering the bad.
    The last 4.5yrs have taken a toll on my marriage. I told him I felt like he was giving up on her and leaving me responsible for it all. So, I printed off the information I found on here for ODD and gave it to him and he said it was nice to have some information to read..and that I should just get the books we need and he will read them.

    I got the books today, The Explosive Child and 10 days to a less Explosive Child..I am on chapter 3 in The Explosive Child and whew! I am NOT alone. I am so excited about all I have read so far that I decided to share it with husband. MISTAKE!
    He went off about how come we are only hearing about his now? It's probably because the law isn't allowing us to discipline our children anymore. I said, whoa. Since when does beating the children or the dogs(I threw that in there because that has always been his first reaction when the dogs misbehave-it takes me stepping in to show him how it should be done lol) prove anything? We went back and forth and he basically said, "I guess we just grew up differently." I have spanked. Did it solve anything? NO. I was spanked as a kid and all it did was make me more mad. And spanking has done nothing for our daughter.
    Now he has gone to bed. I didn't say anything else for fear of my own anger coming out. How are we supposed to help our lil girl if he is not open minded and willing to help? We have another lil girl at home too..I am not sure I can handle both our daughter that needs our help and the lil one that needs continued guidance by myself.
    Sorry for the long vent. Thank you for "listening."
  2. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello Feather. I really understand your frustration and sorrow. It feels like an uphill struggle when your partner is not "on the same page" with all this stuff.
    The bottom line is that your husband is not going to change. Or certainly you cannot count on that. I thought I'd get that gloomy news, that you doubtless realise yourself, in there straight away! Effectively you are going to have to have the role of educating him without seeming to - trying to inform him about your way of doing things (in my view the only effective and truly loving way) when he is not open to it is only going to alienate him further. So you have to work along the principle of "softly, softly catchee monkey". Personally I am pretty hopeless at that technique but I have every confidence that other people might be better at it :)
    At least your daughter has you on her side with your willingness to be open, learn, and implement techniques that actually work. Try not to be too dismayed by the fact that for the moment she and you don't also have your husband "on side". He loves her in his way. And all that. You have to be the warrior. Which you are already, as we all are...
    I think you have to communicate with your husband via some sort of bridge. He is not going to join you on your side of the river.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    The reality is that with your role as stay-at-home mom and his 50-60 hours/week of work, you are the general in this fight. Once he sees that the changes you make are working, he is more likely to try. With my husband, I would just leave books and papers lying around the house (in the bathroom, etc) so that maybe he'd pick it up out of boredom.

    Don't count on husband -- parent the girls almost as a single parent, but once the improvement starts, support his efforts to get on board.
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    Yes, it can be so difficult. But you are both still early in the coping adjusting process - there is still hope for him. Hopefully some of the techniques you are learning and implementing WILL work, and that may open his eyes a bit.

    My husband was very "old school" But he certainly surprised me by embracing son's Aspie diagnosis, and willingly embraced accommodations that went against his own thought processes. With DD1 we were both at a loss. Nothing seemed to work - not even spankings. Point is, no blanket techniques works for all parents and kids - both difficult child and easy child. My friend has NEVER put her kids in a time out. Instead, when they are acting up, she puts their "lovey" in the time out. I find it odd, crazy even, but it seems to work well for her and her pcs.

    Yes, more and more we are raising kids with more awareness of what causes problems and how to solve them. One way to think about it is child seats. Today, most parents don't think twice about the need for a child seat. - it's a given. Every state in the country has laws governing their use. When you were both born, is wehn those laws just started forming. My cousins are same age as you and they had child seats, but they weren't used ALL the time. I recall one 20 minute trip where I a 12 y/o held my baby cousin for the whole ride. This was normal and acceptable then. Today most parents would be horrified at the thought!

    It is the same with HOW we parent our kids. Some states, by law, still allow spanking, those same states still allow corporal punishment in schools (yes, really) Others do not allow spanking at all - any form of hitting a child is considered abuse. With parenting and behavior and emotions, the problem lies in the fact that nothing can be PROVEN beyond a shadow of a doubt. We can prove through scientific methods that a car seat saves lives. We cannot prove beyond a shadow of doubt that spanking/not spanking damages/does not damage a child because there are way too many factors involved. Yes studies can be done citing positive/negative outcomes, but again, there are so many other factors involved - was the child a difficult child or a easy child, are the parents truly loving or abusive, economics, education, the sign they were born under. All these factors can muddle someone's thinking and opinions.

    Keep moving forward with all your new information and techniques. husband may still come around. One way to get him thinking even more is to ask him what his plan might be. It seems as if he hits (dogs, kids) as an instinctual reaction - he has no plan. He just wants the behavior to stop. OK so for the short term it worked. The behavior stopped. How does he plan on keeping it from happening again? What can he and difficult child (or dog) do in the future to PREVENT the behavior. If you can get him thinking in these kinds of terms, you might have more success.

    Another stumbling block we have as parents, it that our conscious memories don't go that far back. "When I was a kid, if I was told to do something, you better believe I did it!" Yeah, how old were you? Do you REALLY remember how you behaved when you were 4, 5, 6? Yes, we all have some memories from very young ages, and they may include discipline and or rewards, but generally these memories are of isolated incidences, not the day to day work that was put into us. Since we don't have such memories, we have to fill in our own blanks. Through friends, family and books, we get to see how other ppl do it, and decide what may or may not work for us. Men, too often, are not as observant, so they just rely on their preconceived ideas. The more he sees working, and the more he participates in the parenting process, the more he will be inclined to be open to "new" ideas.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hi there - and lots of gentle hugs.

    I have a slightly different perspective. My husband was not on the same page for a long, long time. I am the "strict" parent, and I am "only" a stepmother. However, there are things I was not willing to tolerate in my house. And I have, for a long time, actually tolerated the stuff I didn't want to.

    My husband looked at it like he should keep giving Onyxx chance after chance after chance. That really didn't work - but it was also what some counselors suggested, and the only thing the law would let him do. A lot of people who didn't live with our situation thought we were just terrible parents. And that's not it.

    I found this board 2 1/2 years ago out of sheer desperation. Looking for some answers to Onyxx's behavior. In that time, I still haven't been able to convince husband to join. I know he's come by a few times, but not often. However - just this week he finally hit the wall with her behavior and she is now out of the house. She wanted to be out, and she is now - and she's NOT enjoying it.

    But for ages and ages I was so frustrated with husband. How could he NOT SEE what she was doing to the REST of the family? Him included? Why was the criminal allowed privileges and the rest of the family, law-abiding citizens, had to live on lockdown like prisoners? WHY?

    ...He did see. He was trying a different approach. He figured if he gave her enough rope, she'd either macramé or hang herself. It took a LONG time. But she hung herself - with a nicely macramé'd noose. And when she did? Now he and I are on the same page.

    The thing is - all the pushing in the world will NOT help. Having information available will. Having him go to appointments - psychiatrist/therapist/whatever - will help. You cannot change him, or his thoughts. That is up to him. However, you can be an example. And since you are with your daughter more often, you will have to.

    :hugs: FWIW? Spankings only get their attention. They're not good consequences unless you wish to teach an animal (child, or otherwise) fear and violence.
  6. FeatherAhead

    FeatherAhead New Member

    Wow! Thank you all sooo much! You have given me a better outlook and a better perspective on things. Things have just been overwhelming and now that I am opening up and on the positive road to recovery...I thought he would be so open and on board too. I thought wrong. Ever since we go the diagonosis and different coping methods, things have been different. He said he felt like we didn't want him home. That we could care less if he was around. So, I am hoping that I can juggle them all and still keep his "feelings" in mind.

    I love you all for the open minded support! I really need to spend more time on here. I always feel a thousand times better after coming on here. Thank you again!
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Feather, welcome.
    Just wanted to add a note not to give up too soon after the diagnosis. There is always a long grieving and adjustment process and it can take many forms.
    Plus, if your husband grew up like that, he won't change overnight. It will take mo's or yrs. But as others here have said, once he sees the changes in your daughter, he may see the light.
    Also, family therapy is a good idea, if you can get him to go.
    You two can go in together for 10 min, and talk about your diff views on spanking, etc, and then you can bring in your daughter for the rest of the session and share some ideas.
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    This probably seems like I'm coming out of left field - but I understand your husband's reaction on this. I mean - HOW COME this wasn't done before??? is really a good question. And sometimes, I feel like we, as parents, are always two steps behind trying to play 'catch-up' to solve our child's issues....whereas, if we had supports very early and were able to teach lacking skills at very early ages (instead of going throught he whole is it a stage? thing) then we wouldn't be dealing with these issues later.

    I mean - you say you knew something was not right from birth - and yet it has taken 6 years before you found a different approach to solve the problem.

    And I will bet that during that six year period - you have been given a TON of advice from every well-meaning butt-in-ski you met....more discipline, less discipline, more quality time, more time-outs, more rewards, less coddling, more hugging, less smothering, and on and on and on. UGH!

    So - Why are you only hearing about this now???

    I think he's got a point.

    So maybe it's not that "he's not on the same page" - as much as he is expressing his anger and frustration at the whole situation...and knowing, correctly, that HIS parents would never have gone through this baloney.
  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    DF has a point.

    A lot of people think Onyxx would benefit from being turned over husband's knee a few times a week.

    But, with her history of abuse/abusiveness, it is clear that this would result in a catastrophic explosion.

    So I can get your husband's position. That doesn't mean I agree 100%. But I understand...
  10. keista

    keista New Member

    Well put DaisyFace. I am inclined to agree, but also to say that the reason he's "only hearing about it now" is because you, Feather (and all moms), NEVER got the instruction manual. So, Feather, if you put it to him that way - no instruction manual - he might be able to process his frustrations a bit "faster" and jump on board.