Situation with gfg32 has gone "beserkier"

[SeekingStrength]

At times, i think this is getting more difficult as the days go by, yet I know better. The first couple days, after we learned gfg32 had screwed up again and he wanted help, we were numb. Now, husband and i feel numb a few hours after he demands/begs for $$, but later that day we are much stronger.

This evening, husband and I agreed to wait 48 hrs. before responding to ANYthing. Lately, we have not responded. He must have a civil tone first.

He seems SO far away from admitting he created all this. And, he may never realize it, we know. We hope he stays in far away city.

husband think we should eventually email him that we cannot, will not, send any money. Pretend he is an orphan.

I just wish i could see light at the end of this tunnel.

 

[BusynMember]

The light will be when you finally do detach and accept that you can't change your son. He may never change. I know my son, who is already 36, is not really going to try to change much. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with the way he acts. It is my fault when he gets mad. Never in 36 years has he taken responsibility for the sometimes heinous things he has said and, at times, done. But I'm good with this now. I'm not good as in I'm glad about it. I'm good with it as in, I know what he is like, he isn't going to change, and I can't spend my life worrying about his adult choices and inability to see the changes he must make.

Your son is who he is. Will he change? It's 100% up to him. You don't owe anyone his age a dime. What would be a great change would be if you and your husband decided to focus on yourselves now that you are done raising children. Also, you can focus on your hobbies, activities you always liked to do, your happiness, your peace of mind, your own life. THAT you can change. It takes time and usually therapy, but eventually, with wayward adult children who never take responsibility and do "bad" things, we get weary of their behavior, accept it even if we don't like it, and move on.

By the way, not giving your 32 year old son is not pretending he is an orphan. At his age, he shouldn't need money from you. By cutting off the bank (yourselves) you are just acknowledging that he is an adult who needs to take care of his own monetary issues. That does not mean you disowned him.Most parents, except codependents like us, don't give their kids money for plane tickets to see girlfriends or money for a carton of cigarettes and beer...most parents say "Um, no. YOU buy your own stuff." And most adult children don't expect to be financially supported at your son's age.

Wishing you peace and eventual happiness with your decision to detach. Lots of gentle hugs. I know how much your heart is hurting now...it does get better as WE get better

 

[recoveringenabler]

SS, I'm sorry, I know how you feel. This is so hard on us parents. Our kids have no idea what this does to us. MWM is right, all we can do is learn to accept what is and let go...................hang in there SS, it does get easier..........we're here........keep posting it helps.............sending caring thoughts and prayers for peace.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Thanks MwM and Recovering. husband and I have low spots but we know you guys are right. We will push onward, accepting what is and enjoying our life. He IS an adult. Thanks....appreciate the support when we are feeling weak and so tired of it....


Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders

 

[Childofmine]

Strength, what you are doing right now, every minute of every hour of every day...is working toward a new normal. It doesn't feel good right now. In fact, it feels downright uncomfortable and just NOT RIGHT.

And then, when we are spiraling off with some kind of action to take---making it clear one more time, saying no, checking in with them---a flash of insight happens: 32yo people already know about emergency rooms. And we stop.

That is progress. That is progress of a real and tangible kind, and that is the kind of building block that will take us to the next flash of insight. And pretty soon, we are living this insight, and only have flashes of...yes, let's call it what it is...insanity.

Because it is truly insanity when we are trying to fix, control, manage, set straight, save, help...and even guide and direct...people who are full grown adults.

I want to get to this point:

My son: Mom, where AM I going to live? I have nowhere to go. What am I going to do? It's so cold outside. I don't even have a phone or anything so I can't call and look for even a place to live. Or anything.....

Me (smiling gently, pausing for a minute or two, almost absently): Hmmmm...honey, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

My son: What???? That's b___s___!!!! I don't know what you expect me to do!!! I just got out of jail. What am I supposed to do? It's freezing cold outside. I don't have a g__d____ thing. If I hadn't gone to that stupid rehab that you made me go to, I'd...blah blah blah.

Me (waiting patiently until the tirade subsides, still smiling gently, pausing, even patting him on the shoulder as I leave the restaurant we have met in): Well, I'm going to go now. I'm sure you'll figure it out honey. Call me when you're settled, and we'll see about getting together for dinner one night. I love you.

And walking out of the McDonald's restaurant, getting in the car and driving away.

Meet in a neutral location and always have a way to escape. I heard that bit of wisdom in an Al-Anon meeting one night.

Maybe, maybe I can do that because i have made a plan, just like you have strength, already.

I'm sure he will throw some curve balls at me---he always does---and I stop, my brain says: Well, that is new information I hadn't considered. Does that change this? Maybe it does...(if it's a bad moment or day). Maybe he IS trying to change...blah blah. He can do that to me in a New York minute! I have to learn, I HAVE to learn---that when the curve balls coming firing in, one after another after another, after he sees me falter, have a weak look on my face and stop---I HAVE to learn---if I can't recover in a minute and I start to feel that sick feeling in my stomach (that is fear), and I'm getting more and more confused about what he has said, I HAVE to learn to say and do this: Well, let's pause and continue this conversation later.

And then have a way to escape.

There is nothing that is an emergency that I need to react to. Why? Because i have given him a list of shelters and halfway houses, a little bit of money for phone calls, some clothing, a bottle of water and two protein bars, a coat, gloves, shoes, socks etc. I have bought him a horrible McRib sandwich, a Dr. Pepper and some french fries (he loves those horrible McRib things and DP), so his belly is full. There is nothing I need to do right now. No matter what he says.

Oh, Strength, thank you for helping me practice. You and husband are being wise. Waiting for 48 hours. Write that down, paste it on your refrigerator and on your bathroom mirror. When you start to feel weak and needing to do SOMETHING, run quick and stand in front of the mirror or the refrigerator. Read it over and over again. Then say the Serenity Prayer over and over again until the moments pass and you have regained your equilibrium.

You KNOW what to do. I KNOW what to do. Relying on God's power (not mine, not mine) and the tools we have at our disposal, we can do this hard, hard thing we must do to save ourselves and possibly, in the process, they will save themselves.

Blessings and peace and prayers for you and husband today. Keep the faith!

 

[Sabine]

difficult child keeps writing these emails that specify "do not respond", yet he obviously wants a response (probably not verbal, just some money sent along without opinions..)

About this point I would write him one last text. It would be something along these lines:
----------------------------------------------------------------
"You are our son. We have always loved you dearly, and will always continue to love you. Raising children is an enormous responsibility, with emotional, time, and financial commitments. When a child turns 18, the responsibility, time, and financial commitments are removed from the parent's shoulders and placed upon the young adult's. The emotional ties remain forever.

You are now an adult, and as such: you are responsible for yourself. You need to take the time to take care of yourself. You have to find your financial way in the world. These are no longer our responsibilities. If you should become a father some day, you will come to understand these truths.

You asked that we listen to YOU. We did. We heard you rehash old hurts from your childhood. We heard you ask us for money. We can do nothing to change the past, and we have no money for you now or in the future. We have listened, but there is nothing for us to do. You are on your own."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
And at this point I would either block his texts or phone calls, change my phone number, or something..

My husband gets calls and texts from work at all times of day and night. We'll be in the middle of dinner, and someone has a problem. The beep beep of the phone is extremely distracting from us enjoying our time together. We don't have a choice but to pick up the phone because it is his livelihood, and I'm fine with it.

If, on the other hand, that disruption were taking place because of a sullen, demanding relative? Boom, phone # changed. The end.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

At times, i think this is getting more difficult

Now, husband and i feel numb a few hours after he demands/begs for $$, but later that day we are much stronger.

This evening, husband and I agreed to wait 48 hrs. before responding to ANYthing.

He must have a civil tone first.

He seems SO far away from admitting he created all this.

husband think we should eventually email him that we cannot, will not, send any money.

I just wish i could see light at the end of this tunnel.

It is getting more difficult, Strength. You and husband are acting against your own parenting impulses. When anyone we know is in dire straits, our immediate response is to help. That is why people come together to rebuild the homes of those whose houses have gone down in flames, or why we all contribute to the charitable causes important to us. When it is our own child (adult or not) in dire straits, it is crazy-making.

That is what we fight through here, Strength. Those panicky, my child is in danger feelings. It isn't fair and it isn't right, but it is what it is. If saving them worked, they would be well and truly saved, already.

We have to learn a new way to interact with our kids. To do that, we need to understand both their situations and our own with a painful clarity that doesn't tolerate illusion.

We may not be able to help them, Strength.

For us, for those of us with "kids" who are self destructing, it gets to be about surviving, ourselves. For each of us here on the site now, there was a time when we came in just as you and your husband have come in, now. We were so focused on the pain of it, Strength. So focused on the horror of what was happening to our kids, so powerless to prevent or change any of it.

There have been threads here about post-traumatic stress for parents. Only our stressors are ongoing. We are post-traumatic stressed over the adolescent traumas, and real-time stressed over the unremitting horror of what is happening to our kids, today.

That is what we mean Strength, when we say it gets to be about coldly choosing survival ~ our own.

It gets to be about coming here to tell the horrible things we cannot face alone.

Recovering Enabler calls that feeling you describe The FOG.

I am so sorry this is happening, to you and to your son.

******

Send the email today.

difficult child, please stop asking us for money. We will not be sending money. The offer for grad school is on hold for now, too.

You are a better man than this, difficult child.

You were raised better.

We love you so much, difficult child.

Mom, Dad, Grandma

*************

There will come a better, saner time, Strength.

It strengthens me to hold faith with and for difficult child son. The things with difficult child daughter are worse.... How to place responsibility, how to change one smallest thing, when there is mental illness? I am in The FOG, over difficult child daughter.

Anyway. This helps me:

"Faith is not, contrary to the usual ideas, something that turns out right or wrong, like a gambler's bet. It is an act, an intention, a project; something that makes you, in leaping into the future, go so far, far ahead that you shoot clean out of time and right into Eternity, which is not the end of time or unending Time, but timelessness, that old, Eternal Now.

Russ
On Strike Against God

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

You nailed it, Cedar. Perfectly said.

Thank you.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Thanks. This makes sense...that all of you were once where husband and I are now....and we get better as we give up the need to "fix" what we have no power to fix and start rebuilding our lives. and, you would know this! and, yes, husband and I are getting stronger--but those bouts of despair and thinking there is something we should do (insanity) rock our boat pretty hard.

I like both emails and will run them by husband so we can decide.

I hope I get as wise as you guys...and I hope it happens sooner than later.
**************************************
Question: Does my bio info appear as a signature on my posts? I don't see it. Maybe I did it wrong...or maybe it's invisible to the poster?

Happy Valentine's Day.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I don't see it, Strength.

Cedar

 

[recoveringenabler]

SS, your signature is what appears at the bottom of the post. Once you write it, remember to click on the save button at the bottom of that page. Try that and if it doesn't work, let me know.

Everyone has offered you wise words of wisdom. We have all been where you are SS. Sadly for me and some of us, the issues with our difficult child's don't change, so we have to change. MWM posted something recently which is for the most part true, once our kids are over the age of 30, the percentage of those who actually change is limited. That is not to say there isn't hope, but the odds are now against us.

One of the things that happened to me was hope really died. Oddly after that happened, I felt better. I know that sounds weird, but I think sometimes that hope just keeps us in that hamster wheel.........gives us more ammunition to keep offering help. At least for me, the end of hope brought in acceptance of what is. It's a fine line to negotiate.

This T.S. Elliot quote summed it up for me:

I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

And SS, recovering from enabling our kids seems to me much like an addiction........we are addicted to helping our kids, we are now in recovery, we have relapses, we go back and forth until the drug, the relentless focus on another, subsides, and we are no longer helplessly driven by it. Just like in addiction, it takes time for our brains to settle down and build new neuropathways. We have to take that focus off of them and put it onto US, where it belongs. It's a practice. Like meditation. There is no right or wrong way. As my therapist used to always say, "we get there when we get there." That helped me to stop beating myself up about it. This is very hard. That's why being especially kind and nurturing to ourselves is very important. And, finding joy and gratitude for the rest of our lives.............hang in there..............it gets better.

 

[Echolette]

That Tourette's Syndrome Eliot quote is perfect. What Recovering has said reflected my own experience...I had to give up hope. And then I was grief stricken, doing it all...anger, denial, bargaining...and slivers, windows of peace. Which I don't think have been present in me in thinking about my difficult child for the last 15 years or so. So loss of hope, for me, was where peace began.