It's really hard to believe it has been that long, it certainly doesn't feel that that much time has passed since husband passed. Overall, I suppose I'm doing pretty well, I guess. I don't sit around and mope. I'm not depressed. Actually I work hard to make sure depression stays away. I do not want to slip into the void I was in for 2 yrs after my grandma passed. I'm refusing to go there. The emotions have mellowed out. I'm not going to say that there isn't the odd moment or circumstance that won't make my heart ache or my eyes fill with tears. Because there are, they are just fewer and far between these days. When we had the horrible weather with the tornado scare and I had to take easy child's boys to the basement..........Darrin asked me if I was scared. I said not a bit, that I don't normally bother to go to the basement when the siren sounds. (I don't) Very quietly he asked me if that was because I wanted to go be with papa? I wasn't quite sure what to answer him, I didn't want to worry an 8 year old, and Darrin would worry, so I told him I just don't like basements. (true, but not the whole truth) But it struck me at that moment that no, it wouldn't bother me in the least to go be with husband. Because while I'm not the least little bit suicidal, I have absolutely no fear of death. And while much of the grief I've worked through, my purpose in life is gone, and I'm more than a bit lost in trying to replace it with a new one. I enjoy being a grandma. I enjoy my grown kids. I enjoy my furbabies, in fact there are many things I enjoy. But that is not a purpose. I'm not sure I know how to put it into words. All I ever wanted to be was a wife and Mom. I was lucky enough to get to be both exactly the way I wanted it to be. I am no longer a "wife", I'm a widow. I'm still "mom" but mothering is no longer required. Know what I mean?? I'm so proud of my kids. It seems I did my job well. While I may be the family matriarch, and while my kids and grandkids would miss me if I weren't around, I know they'd continue to do well and make me proud. Now I find myself asking Now What? nearly every day. I'm not even 50 yet. I look at the possible years ahead of me........and quite frankly it's daunting. Without a purpose, something to give it meaning.......it almost seems a punishment instead of a treasure. Everything I do right now is focused on one thing, survival. I'm merely surviving. And let me tell you, that is not enough to make you want to crawl out of bed in the morning, dress, and face the day. I dunno. Maybe this is still part of the grief, or maybe it's just finding a new identity beyond wife and mother, or another goal to latch onto to keep me moving forward. I've met pretty much all of my goals. And I'm having trouble finding new ones. I'm a simple person. I'm not materialistic. I have no desire for a prestigious demanding career, never did, it doesn't suit my personality. While this will probably make you laugh or cringe, depending, at this point in life I was supposed to be the doting grandmother who piddled in her garden (flower and veggie), made things for her grandkids to treasure, spoil them, bake cookies and elaborate home-cooked meals, go with husband to the many places we dreamed of visiting but could never manage when we were younger and spend the alone time together we never seemed to get enough of when we were younger.... I know, boring, but that is the way it was supposed to be. (I thrive on boring) Instead, at nearly 50 I'm suddenly having to shift gears from that way of thinking into figuring out how to start all over again, when to be honest, I don't want to. And yeah, it makes me angry that I am forced to do just that. I suppose there is the bitty baby designs, but I can't really see that as a "purpose". They're fun to design and make, and they may help me survive......but yeah. I'm working on something else too, but again that would be for survival, as I have no real desire to do it, it's purely out of need. I dunno. In this respect I just feel lost, and six months down the road it hasn't improved a bit. I'm just as lost as ever. I have to have more than just survival eventually. And I'm not talking money here either. Does this make any sense at all? So................For anyone who has been in this place...........how do you find a new purpose when you've already done what you wanted to do and there really isn't anything left that you do still want to do? As in like goals or jobs or whatever. Ugh. I'm wording this wrong, I think. I did wife / mother. I did nursing school. I paint, draw, bead, crochet and design patterns for crochet and bitty baby, I garden ect. There is really nothing else I want to learn / do. Even going to all the places husband and I planned to go to.....and do the stuff we were planning to do, just seems stupid without him. Him being there was what would make it fun, interesting. To do it without him would feel like I was trying to hold onto a lost dream, it would be empty. I'm sorry if this seems confusing. It's confusing to me too. Up until this point in my life I've simply seemed to walk from one purpose into another, sort of like guided by an invisible hand. Now? I got nuthin. It's like a huge gaping void hanging over me. And yes, it's beginning to stifle my motivation in general. I still try to move forward. I do the gym, I write the patterns for the doll and make the outfits, I watch easy child's boys......But it's beginning to make me feel like I'm just going through the motions while waiting for..........what?? I dunno. I realize it probably makes me sound depressed, but seriously I'm not. I do all the things I've always done and more. I laugh and joke, I socialize, I get out of the house, I sleep well....not too much or too little. It's just that now I find myself asking What's the point? where I never once asked that before. Hmm. I think I better stop, I think I've gone from confusing to rambling.