Six Months

[Hound dog]

It's really hard to believe it has been that long, it certainly doesn't feel that that much time has passed since husband passed.

Overall, I suppose I'm doing pretty well, I guess. I don't sit around and mope. I'm not depressed. Actually I work hard to make sure depression stays away. I do not want to slip into the void I was in for 2 yrs after my grandma passed. I'm refusing to go there.

The emotions have mellowed out. I'm not going to say that there isn't the odd moment or circumstance that won't make my heart ache or my eyes fill with tears. Because there are, they are just fewer and far between these days.

When we had the horrible weather with the tornado scare and I had to take easy child's boys to the basement..........Darrin asked me if I was scared. I said not a bit, that I don't normally bother to go to the basement when the siren sounds. (I don't) Very quietly he asked me if that was because I wanted to go be with papa? I wasn't quite sure what to answer him, I didn't want to worry an 8 year old, and Darrin would worry, so I told him I just don't like basements. (true, but not the whole truth) But it struck me at that moment that no, it wouldn't bother me in the least to go be with husband.

Because while I'm not the least little bit suicidal, I have absolutely no fear of death. And while much of the grief I've worked through, my purpose in life is gone, and I'm more than a bit lost in trying to replace it with a new one. I enjoy being a grandma. I enjoy my grown kids. I enjoy my furbabies, in fact there are many things I enjoy. But that is not a purpose. I'm not sure I know how to put it into words. All I ever wanted to be was a wife and Mom. I was lucky enough to get to be both exactly the way I wanted it to be. I am no longer a "wife", I'm a widow. I'm still "mom" but mothering is no longer required. Know what I mean??

I'm so proud of my kids. It seems I did my job well. While I may be the family matriarch, and while my kids and grandkids would miss me if I weren't around, I know they'd continue to do well and make me proud.

Now I find myself asking Now What? nearly every day. I'm not even 50 yet. I look at the possible years ahead of me........and quite frankly it's daunting. Without a purpose, something to give it meaning.......it almost seems a punishment instead of a treasure. Everything I do right now is focused on one thing, survival. I'm merely surviving. And let me tell you, that is not enough to make you want to crawl out of bed in the morning, dress, and face the day.

I dunno. Maybe this is still part of the grief, or maybe it's just finding a new identity beyond wife and mother, or another goal to latch onto to keep me moving forward. I've met pretty much all of my goals. And I'm having trouble finding new ones. I'm a simple person. I'm not materialistic. I have no desire for a prestigious demanding career, never did, it doesn't suit my personality.

While this will probably make you laugh or cringe, depending, at this point in life I was supposed to be the doting grandmother who piddled in her garden (flower and veggie), made things for her grandkids to treasure, spoil them, bake cookies and elaborate home-cooked meals, go with husband to the many places we dreamed of visiting but could never manage when we were younger and spend the alone time together we never seemed to get enough of when we were younger.... I know, boring, but that is the way it was supposed to be. (I thrive on boring)

Instead, at nearly 50 I'm suddenly having to shift gears from that way of thinking into figuring out how to start all over again, when to be honest, I don't want to. And yeah, it makes me angry that I am forced to do just that.

I suppose there is the bitty baby designs, but I can't really see that as a "purpose". They're fun to design and make, and they may help me survive......but yeah. I'm working on something else too, but again that would be for survival, as I have no real desire to do it, it's purely out of need.

I dunno. In this respect I just feel lost, and six months down the road it hasn't improved a bit. I'm just as lost as ever. I have to have more than just survival eventually. And I'm not talking money here either. Does this make any sense at all?

So................For anyone who has been in this place...........how do you find a new purpose when you've already done what you wanted to do and there really isn't anything left that you do still want to do? As in like goals or jobs or whatever. Ugh. I'm wording this wrong, I think. I did wife / mother. I did nursing school. I paint, draw, bead, crochet and design patterns for crochet and bitty baby, I garden ect. There is really nothing else I want to learn / do. Even going to all the places husband and I planned to go to.....and do the stuff we were planning to do, just seems stupid without him. Him being there was what would make it fun, interesting. To do it without him would feel like I was trying to hold onto a lost dream, it would be empty.

I'm sorry if this seems confusing. It's confusing to me too. Up until this point in my life I've simply seemed to walk from one purpose into another, sort of like guided by an invisible hand. Now? I got nuthin. It's like a huge gaping void hanging over me. And yes, it's beginning to stifle my motivation in general. I still try to move forward. I do the gym, I write the patterns for the doll and make the outfits, I watch easy child's boys......But it's beginning to make me feel like I'm just going through the motions while waiting for..........what?? I dunno.

I realize it probably makes me sound depressed, but seriously I'm not. I do all the things I've always done and more. I laugh and joke, I socialize, I get out of the house, I sleep well....not too much or too little. It's just that now I find myself asking What's the point? where I never once asked that before.

Hmm. I think I better stop, I think I've gone from confusing to rambling.

 

[AnnieO]

Lisa,

I don't have the answers to your questions... I do know that you DO have a purpose. Now what it is... Hmm.

Your husband wasn't your only purpose, sweetie, any more than the boys or Aubrey or easy child, Nichole or Travis is.

You shared with me something you are trying to do, and that might be it. I don't know.

What I do know (from my point of view anyway) is, in the last 3 years you have become one of my very closest friends, someone I look up to & ask advice. Someone whose kids I get along with. Even if I can't come see you too often!!!!!

 

[busywend]

Lisa, I can not pretend to understand. But, I think you described it perfectly. My suggestion is give it some more time. I suspect you will continue to do the survival things for awhile. Then when you least expect it the purpose will reveal itself. It could be Love again that gives you purpose and you will look forward to going to all those places with someone else. I know that might sound ridiculous to you, but do not close the door to it.

Time is on your side, I believe.

 

[DDD]

I think you're doing an awesome job of adapting by taking one healthy step at a time. Although I have not had the shock of becoming a widow I do understand the concept of looking back and then looking forward with-o fear. I'm sure you will feel stronger with each passing month and year.

Although we don't "know" each other I think I know alot about you. As a result of that feeling I really wonder if it would be helpful to carefully choose a worthwhile cause to serve as a volunteer. Not full time. Just an opportunity to share your abundantly giving heart to help others with even greater needs. There is such a wide range of choices there I am fully confident you could find something close to your heart. You'd be an awesome Big Sister. If your State uses volunteer GAL's you'd be terrific at that (although the emotional investment is a difficult). You have creative skills that could be shared to enhance the lives of others. The list is endless...and, lol, I don't really "know" you. LOL

I did find your post heartwarming and introspective in a very healthy way. The anniversary will likely always be difficult for you but beyond a shadow of a doubt I'm sure your husband is proud of how far you've come. Hugs DDD

 

[Signorina]

First of all-everything you are feeling is NORMAL. So don't add any guilt or worry over it to the mix!

You suffered a tremendous loss. You have been a champ. Honestly, I was a newbie when your h died and I was so touched by the way you reached out to me (and others) in your own time of terrible loss and grief. Not only did you put one foot in front of the other-you wrapped your arms around other people in pain. You are a blessing.

Now, I am just a hardware gal-not a psychiatrist or therapist (tho I play one on cd lol) but if I had to give you diagnosis:

You are starting to accept your loss and are realizing you need to move forward. You've done a grand job of not falling into the abyss-and you've kept yourself out of it by establishing a routine, handling your responsibilities, reaching out to others -esp your kids & grands, basically by staying busy. Unfortunately, you've also had to navigate a few crises btwn estate stuff, Katie, Travis's SS, and your mom. But fortunately, life seems to be on a more even keel now. So, you are catching your breath. And now, that the grief isn't so RAW (still exists, always will) and you feel you are safe from the abyss - you are realizing there is more to life. But you're not sure what "more" is and you resent that you have to reinvent yourself when this WASN'T WHAT YOU WANTED.

There IS more to life and you are a young woman with massive talents and abilities and so much love to give. Things will get better. We all are resistant to change. But that too will pass. Your life is taking you on a path you didn't expect. You're a woman used to being in control because you are a really skilled leader who thinks on her feet. So you are resisting. That's ok. It's a new phase. Baby steps. You'll find your way-I have no doubt.

If you want advice...try a grief group or a volunteer organization. Reach out. I know how much more comfortable it is to turn inward, I am the same way.(that's why I post here) but you know that as comfortable as turning inward may feel-it's not the healthy thing to do. So, try something new -volunteer doing something you love. You'd be a tremendous asset to so many places. Or look for a support group. Find other women experiencing the loss of a spouse or a life transition. You'll find comfort there.

But whatever you do-don't beat yourself up. You are amazing.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Lisa...
Part of the confusion is that you're dealing with more than one "confusion-inducing" event...
Yes, the grief is part of that... and yes, it is normal.

However... being 50ish is... well, doggon confusing for many of us.
I'm sitting here... a wife with two young teenagers... doing a job I actually enjoy... and trying to figure out where I'm going, "who I am" for the next 15 years (plus) of working and however many more years after that?
And I don't have a clue. But your comments, your feelings... totally resonate here...

So PART of this is... well, I'm wondering if this is what they call "mid-life crisis"? I'm not going off the deep end in strange areas, all the stuff people joke about (and that sometimes happens). but... it IS a crisis of identity.

Sorry I don't have answers... but we're on a bit of the same trail, if that helps at all.

 

[okmeme]

My first husband died unexpectedly at the age of 42. I still had two teenagers at home so I had that purpose still, but i still had to reinvent myself personally. All of the dreams and goals and want-tos must change. Every one told me to give it at least a year...I found out they were right as much as I wanted to make it all better immediately. As someone said, the pain never completely passes, but a day will come around when you find that you have a new purpose, a new dream, a new goal. It takes time, patience, and just keep on doing what you are doing putting one foot in front of the other and it will happen. Your grief is an immense thing to deal with and the idea of support groups (if you are inclined that way) can be wonderful. I did better on my own, but everyone has to find their own way. I think you are doing a great job...it may just be a while before you can see that. Good luck to you and your family. Thanks for being such a support for so many on this forum.

 

[DaisyFace]

Lisa--

(((Hugs)))

I don't have any advice to offer you....but I did want to tell you "Thank You".

You are one of the people on this board that have always lent wisdom and support in my darkest hours. You have saved me. It probably doesn't feel like much of a "purpose", but without people willing to share their experiences, so many of us here would be lost.

I also wanted to let you know that I had thought about contacting you a while back about those baby clothes - but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate. My friend's baby was born very prematurely (he was so tiny and sick, the whole community was praying for him) - and I discovered that there was a huge need for clothing for the preemie babies in the NICU. I don't know if any of the items you are making would be appropriate for those little guys, but maybe that's something to think about. Send the hospitals some preemie clothing from Nana...

(by the way - that baby is doing great! he is up to 11 pounds!!!)

 

[hearts and roses]

Just want to send you some gentle, warm hugs. You do have purpose to so many, including me and the rest the of us here.

As someone before me said, you're still in that first year of losing your husband and most people will say that the first year is a year of great change and that the primary focus will be on simple survival and getting through those months. And then one day, you will turn a corner and find your personal purpose again. xo

 

[Star*]

Hound,

I think you were born like 150 years too late, but then again God doesn't make mistakes - so you are right on time, and right where you should be for so many reasons. I say 150 years too late because to me? You sound so much like a woman that had you been 150 years "ago" you wouldn't have given a thought to jumping in a covered wagon and heading West to a great unknown and blazing a trail, fighting hostiles, disease, taking care of your family, chopping wood, and keeping a homestead - and still being gentle enough to care for all those around you with compassion, grace and wit. Not only them - but your animals too. And fast forward to today - and while you list all your rather remarkable accomplishments in such a mundane way to you? To me they are quite remarkable. I'm always in awe of your attitude, and constant die-hard, never give up presence - I love that about you.

No matter what life throws at you? I swear to God, if it threw mud? You'd start a pottery business and make money doing it. It's very inspirational - so why do you think that there is nothing about you but some old Granny in a garden backing cookies? Maybe the rest of us see things that you don't? I see a young, vibrant woman (whom I'll admit I wish would quit smoking) but other than that? Can do ANYTHING. I think you could probably change your name here from hound to cando -I don't know of or can't think of anything you can't do when you have put your mind to it.

I don't know about loosing a husband. Oh what I would have given for "Oh death where is they sting?" with mine - but someone chose for him to be a long suffering soul on this earth - but I do know plenty about loss and feeling empty - it's like to me - standing in the yard and spinning with your arms out until you are so dizzy you fall down and while you KNOW you aren't moving? The earth seems to keep rotating. Like you say the world would go on without you - but not as well. Not as bright - not as rounded. So before you do cash in? MAKE YOUR MARK - do all you can do - not just part or some of what you can do - DO IT ALL. I think you lack a bucket list (per se) of WHAT LISA would like to accomplish in the next 10 -15-20-26 years. Then remember how you felt TODAY at almost 50 -= and sit down at 76 and say - MY GOD I wish I had that energy I did at 48, 49.....sure could use that today at 76.....but GO FOR IT. Lists seem to be helping me - even if it's -something ridiculous like- GET STAMPS - I write it down, cross it off. My lists get longer ever day - but I cross junk off - and it actually seems at the end of the day like I really DID ------SOMETHING.


Love ya girl.....

 

[HaoZi]

*hugs* and honey, it sounds like "being grandma" is your current purpose. Maybe not your always purpose, but your now purpose. You sound like MY grandma, and I miss her. I never knew my grandpa, he died before I was born, and grandma was always wife, mother, grandma. That was her, and I loved her for it.

 

[shellyd67]

We ALL love you !!! You have given me such wisdom and strength through the years. Maybe that your is purpose. Maybe counseling families of difficult child's???

I am giving you the biggest cyber hug I can !!!!

 

[Hound dog]

You guys are great, you make me seem less "lost & confused" than I feel. So maybe I'm not quite as lost as it seems. I have wondered if it was maybe a combination mid-life crisis and the loss of husband.....but I did the whole my kids are grown now what thing several years ago. That's when husband and I came up with our plan about visiting places we'd always wanted to see, we even figured out a way to do with with very little money because we both liked to camp out. Fossil hunting, seeing historical sights, investigating caves, going to museums, we'd even planned a cruise for last fall for when his retirement arrived. Yup, me, the woman who loathes boats and especially the thought of them on the ocean.....where swimming to shore would be impossible. (cuz you know something would happen, just my luck) We'd even take a grandchild or two at a time once in a while...........

DF the bitty baby clothes were going to be my next be dream, so to speak.....while at the same time developing lines for preemies. I'd come up with that one because of Nichole's bff losing her first infant son due to being born much too soon and having nothing to dress him in for his funeral. If I'd had enough warning, that baby boy would have been dressed in high infant style. But right now I'm so busy surviving I don't have time but to develop one line (and barely time for that), so I've put Bitty baby first as it would likely generate funds more readily. Not that there isn't a need for preemie clothing, but it takes longer to get the word out. My dream was a line of clothing they could wear home. Preemies are much more susceptible to cold than even a newborn and have issues generating body heat. Store clothes (even their so called preemie sizes) fall off a 4lbs infant coming home from the NICU.....infants who are roughly the size of Bitty baby.

That just sort of fizzled out when I suddenly found myself needing to find something that would be certain income to pay the bills. It was easier to plan that dream with a safety net under me. Right now, I kid you not, I'm living on up to 600.00 a month. Now when I think of putting everything I have (heart & soul & time & energy) into developing the bitty baby & preemie lines, and telling myself this will be my future, it sends me spiraling into a panic attack. So I back off it and decide I'll just "do it for a little cash on the side", because I know squat about running a business......I just know how to make things. And unfortunately taking book keeping ect would probably be of little help because me and numbers don't mix well thanks to the Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). (although how I'd pay for such classes would be a whole other issue)

Yet, I can't say I'm having much luck on the whole finding a job thing either. Seems employers aren't much interested in 48 yr old stay at home mom's........because they have issues believing such a creature actually does still exist in our modern world and would rather believe that you've had a zillion jobs you just stunk so bad at you don't put them on your resume or application. Or that because you stayed at home for 28 yrs you simply have nothing to offer the "modern world" or worse. I've had some get a chuckle out of "domestic engineer" but that's about it. bleh

If I allow myself to admit it, I do want the Bitty baby/preemie lines to be that next big "purpose". It feels "right". In all the hoochie koochie type doll stuff and materialistic geared dolls ect for little girls.....little girls just don't have much to work with on just learning to be a "mommy" in a pretend world with their dolls um "babies". Not to mention store bought doll clothes fall apart almost immediately if you attempt to wash them. And for the preemies, there you are as a parent thrilled with your little miracle and there isn't a darn thing you can dress them in that isn't two or three sizes too big...... I remember my mom complaining (I was a preemie) she had to use some of my sister's doll clothes for me....and some of those were too big.

There are days when I think to myself "why not go for it? It's not like people are jumping to hire you anyway." This would be the point where husband would be cheering me on. He was the risk taker, not me. I like to know I'm going to have X amount of dollars to work with at any given time normally.

But then that lil dark dude sitting on my shoulder says to me " And what happens once you've put in all that time and work and invested in all that material......and none of it sells and you're out of funds and still have nothing to work with?" (that dark lil dude is depressing) Then I'll have wasted all that time I could've invested in finding work, or a "career" or whatever. Then I'll be flat broke, homeless........with nothing to show for it.

Then there are moments of clarity when I realize that probably anyone thinking of going into business for themselves have the same fears, the same panic, because it is a huge risk. So I argue with myself........a LOT. In a way, quite honestly, I don't have anything to lose. I can continue looking for work, I can continue working on that other thing that might turn into a career that I already know I wouldn't be very happy at doing.........and still lose everything because no one will hire someone who hasn't worked in 28 yrs in an economy that totally stinks. Or I can throw myself into the bitty baby / preemie lines body & soul, give it my best shot, and see where it leads.......risk failing miserably, and still lose everything.

Problem is, I am NOT a risk taker, I never have been. So this battle has been going on for months back and forth and I'm getting nowhere. It was one thing to think of taking the plunge with husband's support, and the safety net of his income (even if it was rather small), the thought of doing so without a safety net at all (except the very small amount of retirement funds that decrease by an amazing amount via bills each month) is scarey as all hell. * I feel like getting up and banging my head into the wall right now* ugh

I'm frustrated as hell. This is the first time ever that I've not been able to make a decision and just go with it. Maybe I just don't feel comfortable making a decision without husband there to give his feedback/opinion after so many years of having him there to do so. Maybe I'm just chicken, scared to death to fail. I dunno. This time I'll be standing there on my own. Lord knows I haven't been in that position in 28 yrs. This is the "lost" thing. I dunno which way to go. I'm standing in the middle of this intersection, the cars are racing down on me, and I just don't know which road to take to get out of the intersection. Know what I mean??

Hmm. Maybe I should've posted about this sooner. I didn't realize until this post how much of that "lost" feeling stems from not knowing which decision to make. Nor did I realize how much the bitty baby / preemie line meant to me until now. Maybe that "purpose" has been staring me in the face all this time but I've been too scared of failure to see it. Fact is, I'm going to be flat broke in a couple of months regardless unless someone suddenly decides to hire me. (which they show no signs of doing) That nest egg in the bank will be gone, and I can't pay my bills on 600.00 per month......that is maybe my house payment and phone bill tops....if I really stretched it maybe the gas bill. So regardless, I'm going to be facing that broke situation (which is what panics me) soon. So maybe I should look at it as a "what have I got to lose?" thing instead. Maybe that will keep the panic down enough to let me move forward and give it a shot. Of course I can still look for work while I'm doing it, just in case there is someone willing to take a risk on a stay at home mom.

And yes Star, I think I was born 150 yrs too late....... I dunno about the covered wagon bit. One side of my family was already here when you Europeans came knocking......and the otherside showed up long after covered wagons. LOL

I think I need you all camped out in my livingroom. This is stuff I'd normally discuss with husband until I had it sorted out. I miss that the most I think. Sort of like having half my brain missing.

Thanks. You've no idea how much you've helped, truly.

Hugs

 

[bby31288]

Lisa your post made me cry. You are so strong. I have a great husband things are going so well, and I cannot step out of the black cloud of depression that surrounds my life.

 

[Marcie Mac]

Lisa, you can always sell these on ETSY (which is similar to Ebay but more towards the hand made stuff) - Nothing ventured nothing gained just to try it - now would be a good time since the weather is still cold - or take them around to Children's specialty stores. Do you have Michael's around where you live? I can crochet really well, but cannot for the life of me "get" knitting. I just took an hour class there so I could have someone show me how to knit. And don't laugh, SO, who CAN knit, couldn't "get" crochet (and I so do not have the patience to teach him and visa versa), took the hour class at the same time. The woman who was teaching it was just someone who contacted them out of the blue - we paid 25.00 each for the class - she had to give Michael's a small amount of it but it was extra money for her - she goes around now to all of the local Michael's and the like - I get emails from her every week with her class schedule and what she plans to teach/make. Her classes are always after 5:00 as she has a full time job. Just something to think about.

Marcie

 

[DaisyFace]

Marcie has a really good idea!

The craft stores around here are always looking for people who can work the store and/or teach classes and workshops. Bet they don't care if you've been a stay at home mom!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Craft stores, fabric stores and the like... are more interested in seeing samples of your WORK than in your "work history". Because... they want people who can DO this stuff. Knit, sew, crochet, scrapbook, whatever else... Might be a neat idea. And if you can 'teach' others? highlight that, because it's really a hard skill to find!

 

[Calamity Jane]

there are many things I enjoy. But that is not a purpose



You know what? Your post was beautiful, honest and very reflective. All I can say, and I hope it doesn't sound trite, but I think our sole purpose is to love one another. I'm going to expose my belief here, and I hope it won't offend, but Jesus said (actually it was a command), "Love one another as I have loved you." That's purpose. Anything else is just marketing and merchandising. When you translate that love into action you live your purpose.

I don't know how long you were married, but I'm sure it was a long, beautiful time. You have a history together. 6 months doesn't seem long enough to be beyond it - I doubt you will ever fully get over it. Right now, you're just getting THROUGH it. As my father in law said when my mother in law passed (they were married 49 yrs.), "I've lost my right arm." It's hard, because your purpose is to love your family...your family was your career in a sense. You've run the good race.

When my Dad, who lived with me and my family, died after battling cancer for 5 years, I was devastated. I had 2 young kids, and I would just cry at the drop of a hat. After he died, when I would go to Mass, I would cry so hard, I'd have to leave my husband and kids in Church and go home early because I didn't want to freak out the kids or blubber through Mass and make a spectacle of myself, so I just stopped going. Then I went to Confession, and told our pastor that I hadn't been to Mass in a while, and my reason. He said right there, "Come to the Rectory Monday morning, I need you to work in the office while your kids are in school." I thought, what in the world did I get myself into? How can I say "no" to this guy? I wanted to kick myself for going to Confession! Anyway, the job was fun, the priests had a crazy dog that kept me company, and I got my mind off things for a while. And gradually, I was able to make it through Mass without crying. It was just what the doctor ordered. You may want to volunteer when you're up to it.
If you're really feeling brave, at some point, you may want to try to visit just one place you and your husband intended to visit on vacation. It'll be a journey of courage for you, and you never know, you might actually enjoy it. What's the worst that could happen?

 

[KTMom91]

Hugs, Lisa. I wish I knew what else I could say that would help.

 

[skeeter]

My dad died when my mother was 55. She's 80 now.
She worked full time for the same person for 43 years. He passed away when she was 65. Great, time to retire you would think. Well, no. She had moved to an apartment (my dad built our house, it was on a lot of land, and just too much for her to handle). So she signed up with a temp agency, then was hired full time. But that company moved. She signed back up with another temp agency, and was again hired full time, and that company moved. She said for get it, and now works at Kings Island during the summer. During the winter, she knits prayer shawls for cancer patients and baby hats for local hospitals. She has her friends that she gets together with. The kids would stay occasionally with her when they were younger (I was pregnant with my oldest when my dad died), but with her always working, not a lot.
I guess what I'm saying is - give it time. Is there something you've always wanted to do but couldn't? Why not try? Or find a new thing. The "wound" is still fresh, it's going to take a while.