Six years later, this text arrives
- Thread starter SeekingStrength
- Start date
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
Before I found this site, I did so much of that, Beta. I would worry about so many situations and wonder if I seriously damaged his psyche. Much of it did not make much sense (just silly things - stuff that all kids go through). After I found CD and read and read and read, it became obvious how he was gas lighting his dad and me.
Difficult Child was much, much loved and treated as such. Something changed in puberty and things headed steadily south. There seems no doubt mental illness/substance abuse are largely to blame, but Difficult Child would never agree to help. He has nothing to get help for; it's us.
Today he posted (with a fake FB name) on his younger brother's FB account about their "emotionally abusive parents". Youngest son (who is almost thirty, in grad school 2000 miles away from Difficult Child) blocked him, reported him to FB, and is taking a break from social media. It is difficult to watch his innocent siblings harassed. husband and I wonder if Difficult Child is using this tactic to try and draw us out. Possible. Very unfair.
Again, this forum has been so wonderful for husband and me. Our faith in God and this forum have been monumental in getting us out of the FOG. It did not happen overnight and there are occasional rough spots, but it is way better than it was five years ago.
We did not cause this, we cannot control this, we cannot cure this.
Apparently, that applies to obtaining hand sanitizer as well.
SS
Difficult Child was much, much loved and treated as such. Something changed in puberty and things headed steadily south. There seems no doubt mental illness/substance abuse are largely to blame, but Difficult Child would never agree to help. He has nothing to get help for; it's us.
Today he posted (with a fake FB name) on his younger brother's FB account about their "emotionally abusive parents". Youngest son (who is almost thirty, in grad school 2000 miles away from Difficult Child) blocked him, reported him to FB, and is taking a break from social media. It is difficult to watch his innocent siblings harassed. husband and I wonder if Difficult Child is using this tactic to try and draw us out. Possible. Very unfair.
Again, this forum has been so wonderful for husband and me. Our faith in God and this forum have been monumental in getting us out of the FOG. It did not happen overnight and there are occasional rough spots, but it is way better than it was five years ago.
We did not cause this, we cannot control this, we cannot cure this.
Apparently, that applies to obtaining hand sanitizer as well.
SS
WiseChoices
Well-Known Member
It's funny, not funny, that both of my DCs have accused us of gaslighting them when I see from these posts which describe eerily similar situations to the ones I experienced that it was my children gaslighting me!!!
We were told we had been abusive. The examples used were ridiculous. Normal situations where parents lost their cool ON RARE occasions - just like what happens with every parent. We are not saints . We are humans. I was told I was a narcissist and had the emotional level of a child. I beat myself up over all this for a long time.
Then I stopped accepting blame and attacks and accusations. I just put my hand up and walk away. I refuse to be labeled especially by adult children who have not had children of their own yet.
We were told we had been abusive. The examples used were ridiculous. Normal situations where parents lost their cool ON RARE occasions - just like what happens with every parent. We are not saints . We are humans. I was told I was a narcissist and had the emotional level of a child. I beat myself up over all this for a long time.
Then I stopped accepting blame and attacks and accusations. I just put my hand up and walk away. I refuse to be labeled especially by adult children who have not had children of their own yet.
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
EXACTLY.
Good for your younger son. 2000 miles away from his older brother, coincidence much?
Albatross
Well-Known Member
From early adolescence my son has accused us of favoritism toward his sister. I spent many hours wondering if his accusations were true.
In retrospect, his father and I tried very hard to provide equal levels of support to both of our children, but truth be told we DID support one more than the other...by virtue of all the times we tried to help Son get on his feet.
Honestly, if either of them should be carrying feelings of being a scapegoated child, it is my daughter. Yet she has never once complained about having to struggle while Son was getting breaks he really didn't deserve.
When I apologized to her for all the times we neglected her needs or took it for granted that she would work though her own challenges, she said she knows we love her AND son immensely, and that we did the very best we could.
SS, I just wanted to say that you are my parental hero. You have managed to detach in such a loving way, to keep from falling into cynicism and to always hold onto hope. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
In retrospect, his father and I tried very hard to provide equal levels of support to both of our children, but truth be told we DID support one more than the other...by virtue of all the times we tried to help Son get on his feet.
Honestly, if either of them should be carrying feelings of being a scapegoated child, it is my daughter. Yet she has never once complained about having to struggle while Son was getting breaks he really didn't deserve.
When I apologized to her for all the times we neglected her needs or took it for granted that she would work though her own challenges, she said she knows we love her AND son immensely, and that we did the very best we could.
SS, I just wanted to say that you are my parental hero. You have managed to detach in such a loving way, to keep from falling into cynicism and to always hold onto hope. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.
BusynMember1
Well-Known Member
Alba, I hear you. If any kid should say we weren't there for that child it is probably my son Rick because he not only got pushed out by Kay's neediness, but was at a young and vulnerable age when my other son got cancer. But neither Amy nor Rick are angry at us.
We are lucky to have these wonderful children. These days I remember this every day and will never get over involved in Kay's drama again.
God's blessings to all.
We are lucky to have these wonderful children. These days I remember this every day and will never get over involved in Kay's drama again.
God's blessings to all.
SeekingStrength
Well-Known Member
You and Busy shared the same experience as ours. Difficult Child's sister and brother suffered way too much because of all we did for Difficult Child. While he harassed them, we were saying things like, "Just ignore him. Don't be upset", etc. We would approach it so differently now that we know better. They have touched on those days, but never been accusatory.
Heck, I think I may have some hangups because of the way I was raised. (Don't get me started, haha.) Would I ever blame my hangups on my parents? No. Perhaps they had something to do with it...how many parents do not??, but once I hit about 30 years old, I knew it was my stuff to clean up, however I evolved. No way would I demand $$, post horrible online accusations, etc.
This forum helps husband and me manage our feelings of despair and anger, but those feelings are always there. My hope ebbs & flows. Thankfully, I have my faith, husband and beer.
Conduct Disorders has certainly been a blessing.
ChickPea
Well-Known Member
Yeah. Dealing with this so much right now. It's hard to bear.
