Slleping with the doors locked and now difficult child left

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Jun 15, 2008.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I have a note, addressed to me in my first name (and H). I am not opening it, at least tonight.

    Why did she leave? Well, let me count the ways. We're mean, I'm a b**ch, she has no car, she's bored, she has no car, I won't let her use my car, she has no cigarettes, I never listen to her, I don't care what she has to say, I laugh in her face.....and on and on and on and on.

    I've been listening to her since the very first time she cried, she's been crying since and she hasn't stopped. And it's part true about the not listening. I am not listening lately when she speaks. I either tune her out or assume she's lying or, on the off chance I am half listening, what she is telling me usually either upsets me or makes me want to puke because I just cannot believe what her life is all about.

    We fought this evening, well, I should say that SHE fought, I just calmly reiterated what I've been saying all along. Then she hit me. Then she threw a large bottle of juice at me, but it missed and nearly crushed my easy child's puppy (God forbid easy child hears about that, she'll never let me sit her furbaby again).

    Anyway, when she hit me, I laughed. My arm stung where she slapped me, but the whole thing was so ridiculous to me, that I actually laughed - it just popped out. That inflamed her more. Then she threw the juice bottle at me. That's when I went down the hall and told her to pack up a few things, that I was calling her dad and bringing her to the ferry tomorrow - she could go live at his house and that if she didn't want to go there, she can find somewhere else, but she can't live here. She threatened to slit her wrists. I spontaneously laughed and said, "Oh God, here we go. Please, gimme a break, would you? Just shut up." so calmly, it was eery.

    I have a couple of hectic days at work Mon-Wed and my spare time will be very slim. IOW, I do have a life outside of her melodrama. Anyway, I told H to drive her, I didn't want to. I'm furbaby sitting and I have to shower and finish laundry tonight. I knew she'd have the nerve to ask me to stop at Mobil for cigarettes (and that I'd buy some for me too!) and I know that if H drives her, he likely will not do that. And I was right, she asked me and when I informed her that H will be driving her, she groaned. She's staying at my friend's house. But my friend said it is just for tonight and that difficult child's monkeyboy (and anyone else) was not allowed over. I'm glad she's staying there as opposed to any of her loser friend's houses at least.

    Last night, after another row with her, I actually locked my bedroom door when I went to sleep because she was so enraged and I actually felt as if she could hurt us in our sleep! How messed up is that? I slept with the phone under my pillow and the door locked. It was stifling in there, but I didn't feel safe falling asleep with my door open. I think that's messed up.

    Anyway, had to tell someone. I wonder if H will talk to her about anything at all. He told me this morning he's tired of it all and can't even talk with her at all without feeling his blood pressure go up. I feel the same. Last night I felt my chest cave in and my breathing became abnormal. It was a scary feeling.

    Hitting the showers. This bites.:whiteflag:
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, Jo. You guys have been coming to this for a while, it seems. That doesn't make it any easier when it happens, though. Is this the same friend who laughed at her when difficult child asked to move in with her recently? I hope that difficult child understands that the friend is doing it for one night for you not for difficult child.

    If she's being violent, it's absolutely time for her to go. You should feel safe and comfortable in your own home. At the very least, you two need a good break from each other. Take a breath and let her be. Figure out what you are comfortable with before you engage with her again.

    {{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks Witz. Yes, this is the same friend of mine. I think the big difference before was that difficult child wanted her boyfriend to stay there too. This time it's just her. We've been friends since our daughters were in kindergarten - we have a lot of history and her 18dd is also a major difficult child, so she gets it.

    I will be too busy to be available to get wrapped up in her drama tomorrow and Tuesday, so that is at least 2 days reprieve. Good night~
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry. I know it hurts. I have slept like that, and it is just wrong. We shouldn't be afraid of our KIDS. But sometimes we are, with good reason.

    She MUST be out of your house for good, sweetie. Violence simply cannot be tolerated. She doesn't get this, she probably won't get this, and the ONLY way you can be safe is to have her permanently out of your home. I am sorry. I know how much it hurts.

    If she is violent with you again, please call the police. Maybe that will get through to her, but only if you don't bail her out and you DO press charges.

    Sending big hugs,

  5. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Ah, Jo...that stinks. In the back of your mind you know they're hopefully going to come out of these tantrums, but maybe her moving out is the catalyst to make that change. Who knows. At least you'll get some sleep.

    My husband says I always laugh at inappropriate times. Well...sometimes you just have to look at the absurdity of things and laugh. I guess it's my way of not breaking down and falling apart.

    I hope things work out ok.

  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Well I read the note she left. "Mom, I just want you to understand why you are dead to me" - nice beginning, huh?

    In it she wrote about how I used to sit and listen to her and I don't anymore. That now when she's freaking out, I used to be patient and listen, but now I laugh at her. How she's never leaving Monkeyboy because he's the only boyfriend who has treated her nice and the only one who listens to her (*This is the same boy she almost cheated on last week and the same boy who routinely blows her off every time he has a little money so he can hang out with his buddy and get high*).

    The logical side of my brain knows all the correct and level headed responses...I need to let her go (which I am), I need to let her words roll off me (trying), and I need to stand strong (trying and so far so good).

    I remember feeling a lot of anger towards my mom and feeling as if she didn't 'get me' and just wanting to get as far from her as possible. I know there were times when it wasn't me back then with my mom and now I'm just kind of running all these scenarios in my head to find a way to see through difficult child's eyes. Everytime I do, I still find it difficult to see things in the skewed way she does. Especially in regards to her sister - that is so upsetting to me the most. I always wanted them to be close and they may as well be from different families and continents. And what really stinks is that easy child is in her corner, always rooting for difficult child, always hoping that she finds her way. And easy child is no where nears as perfect as difficult child imagines her to be and I've pointed that out to difficult child many times to make easy child feel more real to difficult child, as if they are actually related somehow.

    I have sat and listened to difficult child (and easy child) when inside I was screaming because I couldn't stand all the drama and warped views on things. But I sat and I listened. They were little and young and early teens and blossoming young women. It's like difficult child still wants me to treat her the way I did when she was 12 and figuring things out. The thing is, she never tried to figure things out for herself apparently, or she'd be much further ahead than she is now emotionally, mentally, and intellectually.
    My biggest regret is that I think I may have done too much for her and crippled her ability to do more for herself. But I DID show her the way so many times and taught her to advocate for herself. She doesn't want to.

    It is difficult for me to feel sorry for her. In yesterday's paper there was this excellent article about this 18 year old mother of an almost 2 year old toddler from a local town. The boyfriend dumped her of course, and she was on her own living at home. She goes to school in the days and works in the afternoons and evenings. Her mother helps with the baby. The girl is essentially working from sunup till about 8 at night when she comes home to spend some time with her baby and then tackle homework. She's graduating HS this month. I don't know, but I found her story inspiring. Against all odds, this girl is making it work for herself and her son. She has plans to attend a community college in the fall to begin an education in medicine. I mean, wow. I left it for difficult child to read, hoping to inspire her. Of course, she didn't and if she even read the headline, she probably had some derogatory comment to make, "stupid girl should've had an abortion".

    In her letter she made another comment or two about wanting to commit suicide and how she was up until 4:30 AM and she almost called the police, etc., but the only reason she didn't was because of monkeyboy. You know what? While she was raging last night, I was thinking, "What if? What if she did something and ended up in the hospital again?" and what I came up with was that *maybe* I would accompany her, see her drugged so she could sleep, and then I'd leave to come home to my own bed. I would maybe even ask H to go in my stead.

    So, is this detaching or heartbreak? I'm feeling two very strong emotions inside. Part of me feels so very strong and detached and just sort of, "Hon, do what you gotta do according to what you think...but leave me out of it" and the other part of me is feeling like, "Why?" and like I may crumble.

    So, I'm off to my busy day. I pray to God she stays the he// away from the house today and doesn't come in while I'm at work. I actually fear for easy child's puppy. difficult child is so jealous and filled with venom, I wouldn't put anything past her at this point. I will be home at noon again briefly, so at least then I can check on her.

    ps: You should see the size of the bag difficult child took with her. She asked for her medications bottle (I usually keep her daily dose in one of those things) and I only gave her half of what was in there...I don't even know why. I think I was afraid she'd lose it or give it out. She doesn't take it normally anyway.

    Thanks for the support - keep it comin', I think I'm going to need it.
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I know how it hurts and the doubts and the questions. It hurt so bad to tell my daughter she had to find another place to live. Fortunately, our situation wasn't as bad as yours. I could give her some time to find a place. Like you, I was afraid I'd protected her too much and that she wouldn't know how to go about getting an apartment, etc. Apparently, all the little talks we'd had through the years and my example did take in her. She did find an apartment (and a roommate just like her roflao). She is surviving. It is tough, but she's doing okay. So will yours.

    I also understand the feeling of just leave me out of it. It hasn't been fun telling my child that she'll find a way to pay her rent, to get along with her roomie, etc., but I've done it. It was that or come to her rescue. I decided saving her would ultimately be hurting her and that makes it easier to detach. I do want her to be a functioning adult and she can't be that if I keep bailing her out.

    I haven't gotten the suicide threats per se. She has told me she would be better off dead but that's about it. I have heard all about how little I love her, how cruel I am, etc. She has written me letters -- she just never has given them to me. Occasionally, I would find them when I couldn't take the condition of her room any longer. They were incredibly cruel letters but I took it as her way of venting and shed my tears in private and kept on doing what I felt was best for her.

    I'm glad you're busy for a few days. It will help. You are doing the right thing -- for her, for you. She needs to learn that she has to do for her, not the world. She won't learn that living with you. You deserve to be safe. Your home doesn't deserve the turmoil. She is an adult. It is time for her to start growing up.

    Many hugs. I know what you're going through. She will survive. She may even grow up a little and start appreciating the mother you have been and are.
  8. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Jo, my eldest is going to be 38 this year, and I gotta tell you she is STILL struck in high drama mode, enough to make your eyes roll up to the back in your head when she gets going.

    Baby Daddy 1 an Baby Daddy 2 are monkeyboys - don't know about if Baby Daddy 3 is cause I have never been introduced to him to this day, which is ok by me knowing her past history, cause I figure, hey, what are the odds on him being one too :)

    From my experience Jo, there is no way to make sense of their view of things when they operate on high drama. You will make yourself crazy if you go back and revisit what you could have done or try and figure out what you can do now. I was a willing participant in the drama for a while till it hit me that this was a trend going on and had to say to myself whoa, and back away from it all. I just could no longer handle the stress.

    If you daughter has some common sense, she will be ok and will make it - the drama will still exist till she decides her life is miserable because of it. Hoping for you it wont take like...mmmm...20 years...or more LOL

  9. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I used to think with enough love, understanding and patience my son would eventually be the person I had pictured him in my mind to be.

    As the years wore on, and his behaviors didn't subside, but became more bizarre; it occurred to me that I had better get myself some help or I would surely loose my mind. This wasn't a life; this was existing. All my doors with keyed locks, cleaning supplies, washing supplies, bathroom supplies, all locked up. Shed, garage? locked up. Windows? Locked, because if I did lock the doors and not the windows his "buddies" would give him a boost through the windows and then he'd let them in the front door. I dealt with running away, loss of health, loss of hair (literally from stress), weight gain, ulcers, and finally stroke.

    So what changes? We do. And our tactics as parents of difficult child's seem odd, unrealistic, sarcastic and uncaring. And they aren't - they are survival. I think we give our difficult child kids more chances to get it right, and WE become depressed because our brain just won't allow us to figure out if this is something they CAN control and won't - or something that they can NOT control and don't. THAT is the insanity of parenting a difficult child.

    So then we try to figure out HOW to determine the Can and can't control aspect of their abilities, and that starts us on yet another path for a few years. And we see ourselves trying to figure out if they CAN understand things but refuse to or make that choice that they CAN NOT and what supports to put in place so they still have their own independence and don't depend on us - or in your case and mine - put them out and say - "In my OWN home I'm tired of it all. and the ever popular I love you but." Then they go, and some make a go of it to prove us wrong, and some prove they just cant' make it and will always need assistance.

    That does NOT mean OUR assistance and interference that means finding them the means to make it work for themselves and taking a back seat to their lives and their self-induced consequences.

    I know at this stage if I rush in and "fix" Dude's life at 17 - by the time he's 20 or older I haven't helped - I've hindered. And it's becoming evident to lots of people that he is a CAN person - just won' life is going to slap him quite hard before he changes his mind about going from "I can't" to "I must".

    Thats the part I hate as a parent. We parent difficult child's and I think it makes us TOUGHER than the normal family with easy child's and daily problems. Meow bunny said it very well in a post to me that when her daughter picks up a sock - it's cause for celebration. I cried and laughed when I read that. One, because I know what she meant and no one else but us here would and two, because it's so true it hurts. We just look so hard for little signs when we find them - we're nearly elated with an overload of joy we forget that even picking up a sock should be a normal moment.

    I hope putting your daughter not "out" necessarily, but "On a path to maturity" helps you see her picking up her socks later on in life.

    Hugs - BIG HUGE ONES.
    -and all this at the end of month closing? NICE!:sick:
  10. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Jo,
    first of all, here are hugs for you and all you are going through. Second, I tried to post a reply and lost it but meanwhile Star and MB and Marcie Mac all pretty much said what I said anyway!

    I think my "got it" moment with difficult child 1 came after I had actually told her to leave home and she did with the boyfriend. When they left the house I went and locked all the doors and felt a sense of relief that I was now safe and that I knew I was not letting her come back to live, no matter what. To finally feel like I had made a decision and was strong in it, no wavering, what a relief.

    The actual "got it" moment probably came a few days later when I did see her outside our home. She told me that she did not care about our family, she just didn't have any feelings for us. I took her words at face value and told her I was glad to hear this because this was what all her actions were saying to us, that she did not care about us. I told her I hoped some day she would care about us but I was very neutral--not cold exactly, just neutral. And I truly felt that way--that I could live without her love, I could go on with my life and be happy anyway.

    Well, that seemed to be a turning point. She then started acting more loving, I stayed very neutral--I think she saw the strength I had. When I allowed her to stop being helpless she began to help herself.

    So, here we are, about 2 years later, and we have a good relationship. It helps immensely that she is 3000 miles away and I can't rush in to rescue even if I wanted to. Also, she doesn't ask me to help very often and I often don't find out that she has had a problem til she has taken care of it. I see that she does care for her family very much, she loves all of us.

    Your dtr sounds so much like the dtrs of parents in a support group I used to be in for parents of kids with borderline personality disorder. What they seem to have found is that they have to have very strong boundaries with their dtrs and they can't buy into the complaining that they never listen, aren't there for their dtrs, etc. The thing is, it wouldn't matter what you did--it would never be enough for your dtr. The problem isn't with you, it is within her. She has a gaping hole inside that can never get filled. She lashes out at the world and blames the world (you) but it isn't your fault and even if you gave her every single thing she asked for it would not be enough and she would still blame you.

    You can't help her, only she can help herself. One thing to try to avoid--I found that I had great detachment skills when I was angry. Once I was no longer angry I tended to feel sorry for her and then we would become enmeshed or I would let down my boundaries and she would be right back to her old tricks. It is very dangerous to allow your feelings of pity to reach out to try to help her again. Remember, the more you help, the more helpless she is to help herself.

    Thinking of you,
  11. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Jo this is the beginning---I believe---of detachment. We change. We become less involved. We are able to see the drama for what is truly is. We see our difficult children less and less as a victim of circumstance and more as living the consequences of their choices. I told my difficult child one day when he said that I didn't listen anymore that I had heard it all before. I told him that the game was over. For years I felt sorry for him, but now I understand that it is the game he plays to get things to go his way. He sat silent for a moment and then he agreed with me. Let go. Let her go. Let your vision of who you think she is go. She will grow up eventually. She may live as a difficult child forever. She may live with monkey boy and be miserable. Her choices. A big hug for your hurting heart.
  12. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yes, Star, I have changed. Yes, Jane, I think this may be my 'aha' moment. I just hung up with H and we talked some about it and thankfully, we're both on the same page with things. Niether of us want difficult child or anyone else in our home when we're not there. We're changing the backdoor lock and the garage door opening code. It has to be this way. I do realize that she may climb in a window, but I'm not ready for window locks at this time. I will, however, open the little 'stop' that is build into our new windows to prevent them from opening too much - maybe that will deter her for now. Not that I think she will even be coming home...I know that she likely wants us to chase her. Ain't happening.

    I have not seen difficult child as a victim of circumstance for the most part for a long time now. And in recent weeks, even less so. She's made bonified choices for herself, choices that she knows were wrong...but she can justify it in her little head to herself. At this point, she's not fooling anyone or lying to anyone but herself. H and I have finally turned on the lights in her heads and from now on things will be very different. We've turned a corner and I'm glad for it.

    Ironically, I am not angry. I'm a little hurt, but mostly I am relieved and resolved with these feelings I am having, I can't even put it into words. I KNOW she will be okay on her own. She's smart, she's resourceful (*she is my kid) and she's capable in many ways of making things happen for herself. KNOWING that she's capable is enough right now. I do not think she will end up in a shelter or under a bridge. I think if worse comes to worse, she will break down and go live with her dad in NY, which is fine with me. The more distance between us at this point, the better!!!

    Thanks for the supportive posts - keep 'em coming. Please.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Jo - THAT WAS POSITIVELY BEAUTIFUL and so much of how I felt about Dude leaving. I just wasnt able to put it into words to explain it like you did -

    Thank you!
  14. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Jo, I am so proud of you.

    Sending strength and hugs.
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I think you and H should celebrate being on the same page and the END of accepting the drama. Celebrate taking back your lives and your home.

    This probably sounds callous or uncaring. It isn't meant to be. It is just so HARD to get on the same page, to do what you are doing, to really SEE that difficult child's life is the result of HER CHOICES. Finally having you BOTH understand that is truly a wonderful thing for your relationship.

    It is easy to see our kids as victims, to keep helping them, to not be strong enough to make the child stand on their own. finding the strength to STOP this pattern is something to be celebrated, as it shows YOUR growth.

    I hope your difficult child does not have a front door key, or a key to any other door. It would be good to make sure.

    I am sorry she has come to this point. It is sad to see.

    I hope this is not offensive, it is notmeant to be. I totally support what you are doing, and hope that if she comes and hurts you, H, easy child, the puppy, or your property tehn she gets teh appropriate consequences.

    She truly is skewed in her thinking, and there is nothing that can be done about that but to separate yourself from it.


  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo...I know we have talked about this before but what Jane said about the borderline is probably pretty accurate. If she even has any traits then she is acting pretty normal for a borderline. You are doing the best thing you can do. She will learn.
  17. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi again, Jo,
    you sound very strong, I am so happy to hear it! I too think you and husband should celebrate being on the same page--it will make everything so much easier to do now! My husband reached the detachment phase before I did--when I got there we actually felt closer to each other and leaned on each other and could open up and really talk about everything. I was no longer trying to defend difficult child--what a relief!!

    I am so proud of you, keep up the great work! Let us know what happens...

  18. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    Sending many, many hugs to you. You have gotten so many words of wisdom that I really have nothing to add but this.

    For me, detaching has been a long, painful process and it is a never ending one I believe. I also believe that there is a neverending pain in our mother's hearts for the difficult child we love and the propensity towards feeling guilty when we think of the "what if's" and take their words to heart.

    They know the words to say, or write, to bring us to our knees if we let them. After all, they do know how much we love them....

    I spent a few nights with my bedroom door locked, in that fear... not a good place. :(

    You and husband hang tough. I told my difficult child that I was getting too old, and tired, for all the drama and I meant it. I really am...

    Sending more hugs.
  19. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes I have been there too. It is hard but you will make it. No one needs to live in fear in there own house. I agree with Robby about detaching. It is a long process - I go over and over in my head about what I could have done differently - but I know that I have done all I know to do and pretty much everything - let go and let God may be my motto.
  20. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Ah, I've think the perverbial line has been drawn in the sand. You've reached your limit. Which is a good thing for both you and for her. For you it means detachment from the drama and the ability to go on with your own life. For her it will mean learning to make her own life and live it.

    She does sound borderline-ish. I see alot of Nichole in her behaviors. Most certainly alot of the "old" Nichole. I do want to add about your girl's relationship....... easy child and Nichole's got better when I left it completely alone. I don't worry about it. They have their rifts, but for the most part are growing fairly close to each other as they grow older.

    Saying prayers for you.