I am not even sure where to start with this update. The last 4 – 6 weeks has been very tough. My difficult child has been breaking me down little by little. Just to recap, my difficult child is going to be 22 years old in June and has been giving me troubles with violence, drugs, and indifference to any situation or another’s feelings since he was 13 years old. He has lived with my mother, sister, his father, his father’s parents and myself over the years but each time he is kicked out due to his attitude of not wanting to make any effort, cussing everyone out, lots of violence with breaking things and at times, threatening with knives. He got involved with gangs in his later teen years and was their “enforcer” when people didn’t pay up. I thought this was the worst moments of my life until the recent few months. His last chance was given to him last year when his brother said he could move in with him in Indiana since he had nowhere to go and had shown up on my doorstep asking to crash. His brother “saved” me as I was so distraught over the thought of him living in my home again and abusing me mentally, with the possibility of physically. I must admit this is probably my worst fear. He is a big boy and can be very sweet at times, but when he is mad he gets this wild look in his eyes and nothing anyone says or does will help him stay calm. After about 6 months of living with his brother, he had burned that bridge too. He punched his brother in face multiple times when he was sleeping, broke down his bedroom door. They got through this, as brother I guess can, but his brother says he was in fear of his life from that moment on and living on eggshells. My difficult child would walk around with a knife and would punch walls when he was mad, in between the other moments where he would be happy go lucky. I was only told this later, not while it was going on. He is likely Bi-Polar, but has never been diagnosed. As you can probably guess, his brother called me scared for his life, ready to live on the streets as he couldn’t live with his brother any longer. My older difficult child and my husband (not his dad) worked out a very strict agreement for him to come back to California and live in our home. This has worked out well. He has a job, doing all the work we need him to around the house and is going to school. No problems with this arrangement. As soon as my difficult child realized that his brother was in California, he lost it. Has been harassing me since to let him come home. There is no way I can let this happen. I know that I don’t want to feel the way he makes me feel and I know I would be scared. The last time he lived with me, every time my husband would leave, he would lay into me with whatever had him angry at the moment. My husband became scared to even leave me alone. My previous updates were that he was threatening suicide and had even attempted it a couple of times. The actual attempts have stopped but the talking about wanting to die has not. He constantly texts me that he needs my help and the only way that I can help him is to let him come live with me. When I tell him this is not possible and will not happen he just goes back to talking about killing himself. I have given him names of physiatrists that he can walk to (he has no vehicle as he sold the one he drove to Indiana to buy an xbox and tv). He refuses to go to any physiatrist, but says if I let him come home he would go to one since I would be able to drive him, I would not. Last week I got a bit of hope when he text me about a job interview he had, but of course needed thread for a button he needed to sew on and deodorant as I had forgot to send it in the last care package I sent, so I sent him $10. The day before the interview, he started texting me that I didn’t love him and to tell him that I was done with him. He said he was not going to the interview without the “truth”. I tried to give him some positive advice but then it just escalated. Mind you this was at 1am my time which was 4am his time on the day of the interview. My husband and I were in Hawaii on a much needed vacation and I really didn’t want to ruin it with this same issue that consumes our lives so much. I am sure you could guess, when I asked how the interview went he tells me he didn’t go. I asked him why he didn’t go he said “I’m a bipolar person with depersonalization disorder. What did you think was going to happen, did you think they were going to make me manager or something” I was so mad, disappointed, depressed and frustrated. It was our last day in Hawaii so I ignored it as best as I could. I told him he needed help and that nobody could help him but himself. He says no I could help him but I refuse to, referring to letting him live with me. Since this time I have been pushing professional help, and he says no. He is going to lose his house that I pay for in August and my husband is expecting the money we pay out to go away or at least be reduced significantly. He has to do something or he will be homeless and I will hurt even more. He lives now day to day doing nothing. He has nothing and refuses to change his situation. My guilt comes with thoughts that maybe he can’t help himself. He is my child and I should help him, right? What if he is right and he can’t do it? Anything? I have so much trouble with this since my life has been tough too but I fought and never gave up, put myself through school, worked my way through low level jobs to a very secure mid-level job in IT that provides a good living. I am being tortured with these communications. When they escalate I do ignore them and not engage but the desire to help him is always there and when the first reasonable communication comes through I start talking to him again. My husband says he has figured out how to talk to me just under the line so that I don’t cut off communications but that he can still make me feel guilty. I want this all to go away. I want to be allowed to live my life and enjoy my family and friends. I don’t feel like I can help him as he doesn’t want the help I give in the way of advice and direction. He just wants money and / or to live with me. His last communication still hit the guilt button with me. I woke up this morning to this: I will not live without help Family Help I’m sure you already shut off my phone but I had to say this (referring to me blocking his number) I responded back with my new standard response telling him to call the psychiatrist to get help with his depression with the number of the closest male psychiatrist that takes his insurance. This is constant, these types of texts. It is a slow water board like torture. I don’t know how to deal with this any longer. I am so worried about August when my husband is expecting us to stop paying the rent, utilities etc. as the lease is up. I have racked my brain with options. One other twist that isn’t helping my worry is my husbands and my desire to have a child together. We have talked to all the right people and done the tests for a later in life baby but this stress I think is too much for a pregnant woman to go through. I worry that I will have another difficult child but he tells me that it wouldn’t happen because he will always be there and that he isn’t my ex. Ok I rambled again. I read your posts daily and even more so when things get bad. I hear that many of you are going through similar situations or have previously. Thank you Cedar for encouraging me to post as my husband has been telling me the same. I wish that things could be so much different.