one day at a time
Like MWM said so well above, Aud, you first make a decision.How do you love and honor yourself though if perhaps you lose a child thrpugh the dysfunction
You decide to reclaim your own life. It does not mean you love your adult children any less. It just means you are choosing to love yourself as much.
This is likely a decision you will have to reaffirm over and over again as you work on yourself.
And realizing that we and our adult children are Two. Separate. People.
With separate bodies, souls and hearts, and separate lives. Separate choices. Separate decisions. Separate consequences.
It has helped me to compare my and my parents' relationship....with my and my son's relationship. My parents are 81 years old. They are good, caring people. I love them very much.
But they are not part of my everyday life. I talk to them about once a week. They live in another state. We care about each other but they make their own decisions and live their own lives and so do I.
This is how it needs to be with my difficult child son and myself. He is 25 years old. He should not be enmeshed with me and my life, and I should not be enmeshed with him and his life.
Keep working, Aud. Keep talking, Keep asking questions. This is the step by step process---our journeys---that we must travel in order to get back to where we need to be.