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Slowly Breaking Me Down
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 625633" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>True.</p><p></p><p>You are the only one who could let this happen. Resolve now, CaMom, that it will not happen. </p><p></p><p>That is resolution #1: Moving home is not an option.</p><p></p><p>If you keep it very simple, he cannot twist you with arguments or threaten you with suicide.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is a blatant manipulation.</p><p></p><p>If the only way you can help your son is to let him move home <em>then you cannot help your son.</em></p><p></p><p>"Moving home is not an option."</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Detachment, which is a learned skillset, will be helpful to you I think, CaMom. Working with it, coming to understand what that term "detachment" means has changed my life. I am posting that now so you will know there is a way out. There IS a way to parent a difficult / troubled / mentally ill child. We need time to learn and absorb these new concepts. It will not happen for you overnight, but if you keep posting and as you read our stories and note the similarities, you will find yourself adopting these changed viewpoints in a natural, non-threatening way. As you read with us, you will hear the same threats, see same demands, read about the same kinds of acting out behaviors from our troubled adult kids, however they were raised and <em>especially during the holidays or while we are on vacation</em>. For now, it is enough for you to know that we are here, and that there are changes you can make which will change the dynamic of your relationship with this hurting and confused child.</p><p></p><p>Resolution #2: I love my son.</p><p></p><p>Your son is too confused, too locked into guilt and manipulation, to know what love is, CaMom. But you do. You are his mother. You have tried everything you know and it hasn't worked; nothing you did, nothing you have tried, has helped this child become the man you raised him to be. It is time to try something different. The first step? Know that you love your son. Reclaim that territory of the heart from this troubled, angry young man. He has no right to define the nature of your love for him.</p><p></p><p>He is only 22.</p><p></p><p>He has never been pregnant, given birth, or raised a child.</p><p></p><p>He has no clue.</p><p></p><p>He is using something sacred (the way a mother loves) to torture and manipulate. Only you can stop this behavior. It will stop when it no longer works.</p><p></p><p>You are in control of that, CaMom.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yep. That's how they do. He was jerking your attention back to him. He did this on purpose and with malice aforethought. It happens to all of us, all the time.</p><p></p><p>Again, CaMom...you are actually in control of this, too. What did he expect you to do from Hawaii? His intention in calling as, when, and how he did was to scare you, to horrify you...and to ruin your trip with your husband.</p><p></p><p>Again, this young male has muddied something sacred; has trampled all over the sacred, fiery magic at the heart of every marriage.</p><p></p><p>Resolution #3</p><p></p><p>I love my son. I do not need to prove something sacred through profaning my other relationships, or my relationship to myself.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Then, your son will need to approach the creation of his life with those challenges in mind. He is fortunate to know. Many who suffer in this way suffer meaninglessly, endlessly questioning why they are different.</p><p></p><p>You cannot change this for your son.</p><p></p><p>Midwest Mom will be posting to you soon, I am sure. She will have much information for you, CaMom.</p><p></p><p>Help, as they say...is on the way!</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Manipulation, again. It is okay for him to manipulate if he chooses to? It is even more important though CaMom, that you recognize the manipulation for what it is. What we want to teach our children is to communicate with us honestly. Excusing them is not helping them. That is what I realized one time when MWM had posted about abusive adult children. That post bothered and bothered me. I kept going back, kept reading it. What it turned out to be is that MY son was abusing ME.</p><p></p><p>The sad, sad thing about learning that, for me, was that I had lost such respect for my son that I never even heard it. Somewhere along the line, I stopped expecting my son to behave with dignity or honesty or compassion or even intelligence. I excused him right into someone he never was, and that became who he was. Once I could see it clearly, once I could acknowledge my part in creating the unthinking monster I had allowed my son to become, I confronted him with what he had said. </p><p></p><p>I have not heard from him since.</p><p></p><p>I would rather never hear my son's voice again than to pretend that who he is is all he is capable of becoming.</p><p></p><p>I am his mother. If I do not believe he is better than this...who will?</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>My daughter spent the winter months homeless in northern Minnesota. Tiny little blue-eyed blond addict/alcoholic. She survived. If your son chooses homelessness, he will survive, too.</p><p></p><p>For your sake CaMom, you could call Social Services in his area. Learn what programs are available for him. Take phone numbers. Give your son this information when he begins to manipulate.</p><p></p><p>This is for you, CaMom. We parents have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror. It's a balancing act. We are not (no one could be) prepared to parent in the way difficult child kids need to be parented. It seems too heartless. But I think that, unless we help them to grow, our children will learn shifty, sneaky ways of getting the things they want. It seems to me that we need to stop making that seem okay. Your son needs to take a man's responsibility for himself CaMom, or he will never become a man.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Recovering Enabler pointed out to me one time after my daughter had been beaten that my own child was using my reaction to her having been beat to torture me. And...she was right, CaMom.</p><p></p><p>My own daughter did that to me.</p><p></p><p>I don't know why.</p><p></p><p>Recovering calls that feeling of spacey, disconnected unbalance the FOG. If you can recognize and name that feeling when you are in it, you can tell yourself you will make it through it. You will have a way to orient yourself.</p><p></p><p>And you will survive.</p><p></p><p>For me, for so many of us here, CaMom...it gets to be about surviving. </p><p></p><p>I'm so sorry this is happening, to you, and to your son.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>Actually, I like that. What we are going to aim for next is a higher standard for "reasonable."</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>August is many weeks away, CaMom. By that time, you will be well versed in how to walk through this with your sense of self intact. For now, it would be best for you to look at July as the last month you will pay your son's rent. Write it down, say it out loud, TELL YOUR difficult child. Just say it. If you can't come up with just how to do that?</p><p></p><p>We will help you.</p><p></p><p>Post about what you need to, CaMom. There was a time everyone here walked me through possible phone conversations with my son. I needed them to do that for me Ca, and they did.</p><p></p><p>We will help you the same way.</p><p> </p><p></p><p></p><p>Then we have to make that happen, Ca. For whatever reason, our difficult child kids are not strong enough to help themselves grow up. Unless they do grow up and become responsible curators of their own lives, their lives will be pale, cheap imitations of what they might have been.</p><p></p><p>We have to try, CaMom.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 625633, member: 17461"] True. You are the only one who could let this happen. Resolve now, CaMom, that it will not happen. That is resolution #1: Moving home is not an option. If you keep it very simple, he cannot twist you with arguments or threaten you with suicide. This is a blatant manipulation. If the only way you can help your son is to let him move home [I]then you cannot help your son.[/I] "Moving home is not an option." Detachment, which is a learned skillset, will be helpful to you I think, CaMom. Working with it, coming to understand what that term "detachment" means has changed my life. I am posting that now so you will know there is a way out. There IS a way to parent a difficult / troubled / mentally ill child. We need time to learn and absorb these new concepts. It will not happen for you overnight, but if you keep posting and as you read our stories and note the similarities, you will find yourself adopting these changed viewpoints in a natural, non-threatening way. As you read with us, you will hear the same threats, see same demands, read about the same kinds of acting out behaviors from our troubled adult kids, however they were raised and [I]especially during the holidays or while we are on vacation[/I]. For now, it is enough for you to know that we are here, and that there are changes you can make which will change the dynamic of your relationship with this hurting and confused child. Resolution #2: I love my son. Your son is too confused, too locked into guilt and manipulation, to know what love is, CaMom. But you do. You are his mother. You have tried everything you know and it hasn't worked; nothing you did, nothing you have tried, has helped this child become the man you raised him to be. It is time to try something different. The first step? Know that you love your son. Reclaim that territory of the heart from this troubled, angry young man. He has no right to define the nature of your love for him. He is only 22. He has never been pregnant, given birth, or raised a child. He has no clue. He is using something sacred (the way a mother loves) to torture and manipulate. Only you can stop this behavior. It will stop when it no longer works. You are in control of that, CaMom. Yep. That's how they do. He was jerking your attention back to him. He did this on purpose and with malice aforethought. It happens to all of us, all the time. Again, CaMom...you are actually in control of this, too. What did he expect you to do from Hawaii? His intention in calling as, when, and how he did was to scare you, to horrify you...and to ruin your trip with your husband. Again, this young male has muddied something sacred; has trampled all over the sacred, fiery magic at the heart of every marriage. Resolution #3 I love my son. I do not need to prove something sacred through profaning my other relationships, or my relationship to myself. Then, your son will need to approach the creation of his life with those challenges in mind. He is fortunate to know. Many who suffer in this way suffer meaninglessly, endlessly questioning why they are different. You cannot change this for your son. Midwest Mom will be posting to you soon, I am sure. She will have much information for you, CaMom. Help, as they say...is on the way! :O) Manipulation, again. It is okay for him to manipulate if he chooses to? It is even more important though CaMom, that you recognize the manipulation for what it is. What we want to teach our children is to communicate with us honestly. Excusing them is not helping them. That is what I realized one time when MWM had posted about abusive adult children. That post bothered and bothered me. I kept going back, kept reading it. What it turned out to be is that MY son was abusing ME. The sad, sad thing about learning that, for me, was that I had lost such respect for my son that I never even heard it. Somewhere along the line, I stopped expecting my son to behave with dignity or honesty or compassion or even intelligence. I excused him right into someone he never was, and that became who he was. Once I could see it clearly, once I could acknowledge my part in creating the unthinking monster I had allowed my son to become, I confronted him with what he had said. I have not heard from him since. I would rather never hear my son's voice again than to pretend that who he is is all he is capable of becoming. I am his mother. If I do not believe he is better than this...who will? My daughter spent the winter months homeless in northern Minnesota. Tiny little blue-eyed blond addict/alcoholic. She survived. If your son chooses homelessness, he will survive, too. For your sake CaMom, you could call Social Services in his area. Learn what programs are available for him. Take phone numbers. Give your son this information when he begins to manipulate. This is for you, CaMom. We parents have to be able to look at ourselves in the mirror. It's a balancing act. We are not (no one could be) prepared to parent in the way difficult child kids need to be parented. It seems too heartless. But I think that, unless we help them to grow, our children will learn shifty, sneaky ways of getting the things they want. It seems to me that we need to stop making that seem okay. Your son needs to take a man's responsibility for himself CaMom, or he will never become a man. Recovering Enabler pointed out to me one time after my daughter had been beaten that my own child was using my reaction to her having been beat to torture me. And...she was right, CaMom. My own daughter did that to me. I don't know why. Recovering calls that feeling of spacey, disconnected unbalance the FOG. If you can recognize and name that feeling when you are in it, you can tell yourself you will make it through it. You will have a way to orient yourself. And you will survive. For me, for so many of us here, CaMom...it gets to be about surviving. I'm so sorry this is happening, to you, and to your son. Actually, I like that. What we are going to aim for next is a higher standard for "reasonable." :O) August is many weeks away, CaMom. By that time, you will be well versed in how to walk through this with your sense of self intact. For now, it would be best for you to look at July as the last month you will pay your son's rent. Write it down, say it out loud, TELL YOUR difficult child. Just say it. If you can't come up with just how to do that? We will help you. Post about what you need to, CaMom. There was a time everyone here walked me through possible phone conversations with my son. I needed them to do that for me Ca, and they did. We will help you the same way. Then we have to make that happen, Ca. For whatever reason, our difficult child kids are not strong enough to help themselves grow up. Unless they do grow up and become responsible curators of their own lives, their lives will be pale, cheap imitations of what they might have been. We have to try, CaMom. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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