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Slowly Breaking Me Down
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<blockquote data-quote="Ca Mom Losing Hope" data-source="post: 625648" data-attributes="member: 17782"><p>Thank you both Cedar & MWM for so much truth. I read your responses at my desk at work but couldn’t get through the whole thing all at once as the words you say are hard to read, and bring up so many emotions. I did finally get through the response while taking a break.</p><p>I agree, Moving Home is Not an Option and I am surprised how strong I have gotten on this point over the last few weeks. I do still have moments when I think maybe it could work but I do know better and those thoughts are quick to be resolved within myself. And if that doesn’t work, I mention it to my husband or my other son and they both rationalize it out with me. I just need to stay strong on this point. I do often wonder what I would do if he showed up on the doorstep.</p><p> </p><p>I do love my son, more than he will ever know. I have tried everything in my power, even to my own detriment and I am no longer willing or able to do any more. You use the word manipulation, of which has been coming up more and more in my conversations and thoughts and research. Yes, he is using my love as a tool for his manipulation and guilt tactics. I am not sure he knows this is what he is doing but that is probably just my denial. He is a smart kid and I sometimes think he is just calling me a sucker every time I give in. He is using something Sacred by manipulating my love, and I never imagined that my own son would end up this way. In reality, I don’t think he even cares any longer, he is just using me until I stop letting him</p><p> </p><p>I did not raise him this way, but there was always something a little off about him from puberty onward. He was my sweet kind boy before that, he still can be sometimes. I feel for him sometimes when I think of this as I do think he needs help, but I have guided him to help, gave him the phone number to call, provided the insurance to get him help, and he will not take it. He refuses to do anything. When we were in Hawaii we went horseback riding through the hills of Kauai. It was so beautiful and relaxing. Toward the end of our ride we came up to a water bucket for the horses and a few went up at a time so they didn’t get scared. When it came time for my husband and I to go to the bucket, mine drank but he kept trying to get his to go to the bucket but the horse wouldn’t go. The guide laughs and says, you can lead a horse to water… I thought of my difficult child.</p><p> </p><p>I think my favorite thing you said was that I may have to have a higher standard for reasonable. That is the truth. Ever since he started the suicide threats, I have been afraid to completely cut him off or block his number. My husband, who used to help him a lot with advice and guidance, refuses to unblock his number. difficult child blew up his phone, which is also his work cell, one evening while he was working on a technical production issue, and that was it. He tried to reason with him but difficult child of course didn’t see that he had done anything wrong. Despite the cussing and irrational texts, and calling at 1 and 3 am in the morning. difficult child takes no responsibility for anything. So my compromise is that when he starts to pick an argument, I ignore it and don’t respond. But of course I still read them, and it rips me up inside.</p><p> </p><p>I love to hear your examples of how the others have helped you. I am sorry to hear your son doesn’t talk to you any longer, but to tell you the truth, some days I wish for that. I may get my wish when I take your advice. July is the last rent we are paying. I have already said this but it doesn’t seem to faze him. How do I say it so that it hits home. I think he doesn’t believe me. I do need help with the words to say when he is manipulating me. As I was writing this he texted me:</p><p> </p><p>“I’m Almost out of food stamps</p><p> </p><p>I probably have 5 days left</p><p> </p><p>So I need a week of food</p><p> </p><p>But you don’t care</p><p> </p><p>It never stops little bits of jabs here and there all day long.</p><p> </p><p>MWM I read so many of your posts on this board and recently realized you are sharing your wisdom on the other forums as well. You are right, he has done NOTHING. And has no intention of doing anything. He does just want the perks. I know I need to do more for myself. How do I justify in my head my son being in another state with no job, no money, no education, and no transportation and not helping? How do I tell him this is what is going to happen so he believes it and does something? How do I tell myself that this is going to happen and not fall apart?</p><p> </p><p>CA Mom</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ca Mom Losing Hope, post: 625648, member: 17782"] Thank you both Cedar & MWM for so much truth. I read your responses at my desk at work but couldn’t get through the whole thing all at once as the words you say are hard to read, and bring up so many emotions. I did finally get through the response while taking a break. I agree, Moving Home is Not an Option and I am surprised how strong I have gotten on this point over the last few weeks. I do still have moments when I think maybe it could work but I do know better and those thoughts are quick to be resolved within myself. And if that doesn’t work, I mention it to my husband or my other son and they both rationalize it out with me. I just need to stay strong on this point. I do often wonder what I would do if he showed up on the doorstep. I do love my son, more than he will ever know. I have tried everything in my power, even to my own detriment and I am no longer willing or able to do any more. You use the word manipulation, of which has been coming up more and more in my conversations and thoughts and research. Yes, he is using my love as a tool for his manipulation and guilt tactics. I am not sure he knows this is what he is doing but that is probably just my denial. He is a smart kid and I sometimes think he is just calling me a sucker every time I give in. He is using something Sacred by manipulating my love, and I never imagined that my own son would end up this way. In reality, I don’t think he even cares any longer, he is just using me until I stop letting him I did not raise him this way, but there was always something a little off about him from puberty onward. He was my sweet kind boy before that, he still can be sometimes. I feel for him sometimes when I think of this as I do think he needs help, but I have guided him to help, gave him the phone number to call, provided the insurance to get him help, and he will not take it. He refuses to do anything. When we were in Hawaii we went horseback riding through the hills of Kauai. It was so beautiful and relaxing. Toward the end of our ride we came up to a water bucket for the horses and a few went up at a time so they didn’t get scared. When it came time for my husband and I to go to the bucket, mine drank but he kept trying to get his to go to the bucket but the horse wouldn’t go. The guide laughs and says, you can lead a horse to water… I thought of my difficult child. I think my favorite thing you said was that I may have to have a higher standard for reasonable. That is the truth. Ever since he started the suicide threats, I have been afraid to completely cut him off or block his number. My husband, who used to help him a lot with advice and guidance, refuses to unblock his number. difficult child blew up his phone, which is also his work cell, one evening while he was working on a technical production issue, and that was it. He tried to reason with him but difficult child of course didn’t see that he had done anything wrong. Despite the cussing and irrational texts, and calling at 1 and 3 am in the morning. difficult child takes no responsibility for anything. So my compromise is that when he starts to pick an argument, I ignore it and don’t respond. But of course I still read them, and it rips me up inside. I love to hear your examples of how the others have helped you. I am sorry to hear your son doesn’t talk to you any longer, but to tell you the truth, some days I wish for that. I may get my wish when I take your advice. July is the last rent we are paying. I have already said this but it doesn’t seem to faze him. How do I say it so that it hits home. I think he doesn’t believe me. I do need help with the words to say when he is manipulating me. As I was writing this he texted me: “I’m Almost out of food stamps I probably have 5 days left So I need a week of food But you don’t care It never stops little bits of jabs here and there all day long. MWM I read so many of your posts on this board and recently realized you are sharing your wisdom on the other forums as well. You are right, he has done NOTHING. And has no intention of doing anything. He does just want the perks. I know I need to do more for myself. How do I justify in my head my son being in another state with no job, no money, no education, and no transportation and not helping? How do I tell him this is what is going to happen so he believes it and does something? How do I tell myself that this is going to happen and not fall apart? CA Mom [/QUOTE]
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