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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 625664" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>CA Mom, this stuff hurts us. Our kids are usually master manipulators who know every guilt button to push. You're in good company here, we've all been in your shoes. And you know what? A lot of us aren't anymore, so you too can move out of this nasty space you're in with your son.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry CAMom, I know how much this hurts. It is heartbreaking and as Cedar has often said, it is a devastation unlike any other.</p><p></p><p>I think you already read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. If not, it's a good article.</p><p></p><p>You may get some needed support from NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They can be accessed online and have chapters everywhere. They have wonderful courses for parents and resources for you and for your difficult child if he would choose to take them. But you can. And, really, the key to you getting your life back on a healthy track is this......YOU change. He will or he won't but you can't wait around for him to get it, for him to take medication or see his psychiatrist or to actually grow up.</p><p></p><p>First of all, you will need as much support as you can get. If you aren't in therapy, it is usually a good idea to get in to it because this is hard work for us parents. Find a parent group or go to Families anonymous or some kind of regular, consistent support.</p><p></p><p>If your son threatens suicide, call the police in the area in which he resides. Tell him every single time he makes that threat, you will call the police.</p><p></p><p>It sounds as if August is going to be his cut off from the milk train and in my opinion, this is what needs to happen. He cannot come home and he will need to begin forming his own life at some point. If it were me I would tell him that come August, whatever funding he presently has, will be coming to an end and he will need to come up with his own options. That gives him a little over 3 months, a lot longer then some landlords give you when they evict you. And you have 3 months to begin the process of detachment which sounds as if you are quite ready to embark upon.</p><p></p><p>A grown adult male who has mental issues but will not seek help is not the responsibility of the parents to care for him. He is aware enough to manipulate you and not show up for a job interview but instead rattle on about his insufficiencies thereby giving you ample reason to feel bad, ruin your vacation and get money from you too. Quite the con.</p><p></p><p>Our kids are smart. But we allow them to continue to manipulate us long after we realize how wrong it is because we're now in so deep we don't know how to get out. Most of us do that because we simply don't know what else to do. But there are options. Many here on the PE side have made similar choices and come out the other side.</p><p></p><p>You have to set boundaries around this behavior. You can start by not responding to all of his texts. Wait. When you do respond, respond by saying what ECHO said, "you're smart, you'll figure it out." Begin to move back a little at a time, as it feels comfortable to you. You have to retrain your son to go out in the world on his own volition and man up. He's been trained to call you when he needs anything, or bully his brother, or use violence, or whatever works. This is a recipe for disaster. When you begin the process of letting him make his own choices and care for himself, he will up the ante considerably. It will get worse before it gets better. He will do whatever he thinks it will take to get you to do for him what he can certainly do for himself. </p><p></p><p>If you continue to coddle him, he will quickly turn into a 30 year old man who depends on his mother, then a 40 and 50 year old man. And you will be a 70 year old mother taking care of a middle aged difficult child. Not a pretty thought. There are boys younger then he is fighting in a foreign country, scared out of their minds, but defending our rights as a nation..........think about that next time he calls and says he doesn't have enough food stamps. Cedar put up a picture of a soldier by the phone so she could be reminded of that fact when her difficult child son called with his manipulations.</p><p></p><p>If your son is truly bi-polar then he will need medication and therapy. Is he on disability? Does he have health insurance of his own? If he does, then he can find housing through social services where he lives. </p><p></p><p>If not, he has options. </p><p></p><p>However.........</p><p></p><p>There have been many kids and adults here on this site who have been homeless and some are right now living on the streets. My own brother is schizophrenic and lived on the streets of L.A. for many years. My daughter was homeless for awhile and lived in her car. Our kids are resourceful and find ways to land on their feet. If they don't like being homeless, then they will find a way to not be homeless. It is his life.........he makes the choices. Not you.</p><p></p><p>It will be hardest on you, the mother. That's why you need support. This is not easy on us, it goes against everything we believe is real and right. Just remember, whatever you settle for is what you will be living with. </p><p></p><p>Begin the process of learning about detachment and get some support to help you to continue. We're all here if you need us, we've all been in your shoes. Hang in there CA Mom, this is hard stuff. Keep posting, it helps.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 625664, member: 13542"] CA Mom, this stuff hurts us. Our kids are usually master manipulators who know every guilt button to push. You're in good company here, we've all been in your shoes. And you know what? A lot of us aren't anymore, so you too can move out of this nasty space you're in with your son. I'm sorry CAMom, I know how much this hurts. It is heartbreaking and as Cedar has often said, it is a devastation unlike any other. I think you already read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. If not, it's a good article. You may get some needed support from NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. They can be accessed online and have chapters everywhere. They have wonderful courses for parents and resources for you and for your difficult child if he would choose to take them. But you can. And, really, the key to you getting your life back on a healthy track is this......YOU change. He will or he won't but you can't wait around for him to get it, for him to take medication or see his psychiatrist or to actually grow up. First of all, you will need as much support as you can get. If you aren't in therapy, it is usually a good idea to get in to it because this is hard work for us parents. Find a parent group or go to Families anonymous or some kind of regular, consistent support. If your son threatens suicide, call the police in the area in which he resides. Tell him every single time he makes that threat, you will call the police. It sounds as if August is going to be his cut off from the milk train and in my opinion, this is what needs to happen. He cannot come home and he will need to begin forming his own life at some point. If it were me I would tell him that come August, whatever funding he presently has, will be coming to an end and he will need to come up with his own options. That gives him a little over 3 months, a lot longer then some landlords give you when they evict you. And you have 3 months to begin the process of detachment which sounds as if you are quite ready to embark upon. A grown adult male who has mental issues but will not seek help is not the responsibility of the parents to care for him. He is aware enough to manipulate you and not show up for a job interview but instead rattle on about his insufficiencies thereby giving you ample reason to feel bad, ruin your vacation and get money from you too. Quite the con. Our kids are smart. But we allow them to continue to manipulate us long after we realize how wrong it is because we're now in so deep we don't know how to get out. Most of us do that because we simply don't know what else to do. But there are options. Many here on the PE side have made similar choices and come out the other side. You have to set boundaries around this behavior. You can start by not responding to all of his texts. Wait. When you do respond, respond by saying what ECHO said, "you're smart, you'll figure it out." Begin to move back a little at a time, as it feels comfortable to you. You have to retrain your son to go out in the world on his own volition and man up. He's been trained to call you when he needs anything, or bully his brother, or use violence, or whatever works. This is a recipe for disaster. When you begin the process of letting him make his own choices and care for himself, he will up the ante considerably. It will get worse before it gets better. He will do whatever he thinks it will take to get you to do for him what he can certainly do for himself. If you continue to coddle him, he will quickly turn into a 30 year old man who depends on his mother, then a 40 and 50 year old man. And you will be a 70 year old mother taking care of a middle aged difficult child. Not a pretty thought. There are boys younger then he is fighting in a foreign country, scared out of their minds, but defending our rights as a nation..........think about that next time he calls and says he doesn't have enough food stamps. Cedar put up a picture of a soldier by the phone so she could be reminded of that fact when her difficult child son called with his manipulations. If your son is truly bi-polar then he will need medication and therapy. Is he on disability? Does he have health insurance of his own? If he does, then he can find housing through social services where he lives. If not, he has options. However......... There have been many kids and adults here on this site who have been homeless and some are right now living on the streets. My own brother is schizophrenic and lived on the streets of L.A. for many years. My daughter was homeless for awhile and lived in her car. Our kids are resourceful and find ways to land on their feet. If they don't like being homeless, then they will find a way to not be homeless. It is his life.........he makes the choices. Not you. It will be hardest on you, the mother. That's why you need support. This is not easy on us, it goes against everything we believe is real and right. Just remember, whatever you settle for is what you will be living with. Begin the process of learning about detachment and get some support to help you to continue. We're all here if you need us, we've all been in your shoes. Hang in there CA Mom, this is hard stuff. Keep posting, it helps. [/QUOTE]
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