Well, ladies... remember that roller coaster we were on when we all hit the board 10 years ago? Not knowing what was coming next, but knowing for sure it would be a new high/low? I'm back on the ride again. Degree of hooverage varies by the hour. Today was rather typical of my days lately; only the players change.
Started off with a call from thank you's girlfriend's mom. I've never spoken to her before because - well, I think we just do things very differently. Anyway, she's finally clued into the fact that something's just not quite right with- thank you and that she's enabling him. So she's told him he cannot stay there anymore and he cannot live with them until he gets his life straightened out.
Followed by obligatory phone call from thank you about how I "told" her not to let him live there. I did no such thing - I simply listened to her. It's kinda funny - in a way, I think she wanted my permission to kick him out, which I didn't give her, but I did explain that the bizarre stories she's hearing from him have more to do with the fact that he's severely mentally ill rather than intentional lying on his part.
The good news about his phone calls is that only every other one now involves vile name calling and flat out nastiness. I have to tell you though - I'm just so done being told to .... well, you know.
Followed by my husband trying to find services locally for thank you. Now *that* was a laugh-riot. I knew he wouldn't get anywhere because he's such a nice guy (only really assertive witchy warrior parents are truly effective IHMO
), but... for the last 6-8 weeks, I've been consumed with- worry over thank you while trying to do my own job and it's time for husband to join the fun - plus he's off work today. Evil, I know, but we must find entertainment where we can.
Followed by news of a brief reprieve. I had sent an email out earlier this week to TLP staff with a bcc: to the head of the grant program detailing what thank you's impending return means to this family realistically. Head of the grant program has given us now until at least 05/02/2009.
I'm so greatful to the many many families who have gone thru this in the last decade and have shared the pain and sheer agony of it. I have learned so much from them. husband is being wishy washy but I'm pretty firm - when thank you comes home, he's got 3 months to get a job, save his $$ (SSI is out because it's too much bother for him to show up to the appointment to get it approved as an adult - seriously - this is how my kid thinks), and then he has to move out, period. If he can't get/keep a job (which I seriously don't think he can), then he has to get services/housing in place. I've got all the numbers he needs but *he* has to do it. Otherwise, I also have the address of the local shelter. And I absolutely will follow thru.
If husband isn't on board by then, I lovingly told him he can move out with- thank you. The door will alway be open.
All in all, it's a pretty dark place right now. I think the one useful thing I might be able to share with parents who may find themselves in a similar spot someday is this:
If you have a child who is not functioning in school and/or at home by their early teens, you need to start planning fast and furiously. I don't care if you think they might be able to function someday, or that they have the ability to function and it's just defiance and oppositionality that is causing them not to function (and by not function, I mean *really* not function - hygiene, ADLs, following simple instructions, compliance with basic rules) - at some point the reason *why* they're not functioning will become secondary to the fact that they are *not* functioning, and you need to have an idea of how much you will intervene, how far you will be willing to let them fall, and how to preserve the rest of the family in the meantime.
I hate mental illness. I hate not being able to reason with- my son. I hate that after all this time cause and effect and consequences have no meaning to him. And I really hate that I don't see a good solution anytime in the near future. It's all dependent on thank you and ... well, you guys know him well enough by now. Everyone involved might as well be speaking Urdu to him.
So we're hanging on by a thread here, one phone call at a time.
