Smokescreens, homelessness, darned if ya do or don't

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Bean, Oct 10, 2010.

  1. Bean

    Bean Member

    Here we are about a month(?) out from "kicking the kid out" of the house.

    She's been staying with an older lady, not to far from here. She's survived. Come around a little bit. Don't really know what she's spending all of her time doing, but she is attending GED prep courses. She is not working, however. She doesn't seem to be starving. She looks OK.

    But, as life would go, she's in "crisis" again. She's had an epiphany. She is remorseful for the way her life has been. She thought she might attend an NA meeting. She's been happy. But she's also at the end of her rope with her roomie. The house is a pig sty, she's miserable, and is there any way she could maybe (come home) or live with grandma and grandpa (who she stole from, abused, broke into their house)?

    My parents feel like she's suicidal, and wonder how she will ever make it unless they intervene. I feel basically helpless. Darned if I do, darned if I don't (there's NO way she can move back in here - and I don't really, at this time support her moving in with my parents). We're at the point where having her at home is far too traumatic for everyone, but having her out of the house is still very stressful and emotionally taxing.

    I think she's an addict, addicted to weed. She says where she lives that's all they do and it is nearly impossible for her to stop. I believe that. But I also have doubts about her sincerity of wanting to stop.

    There always seems to be this ball of smokescreens and confusion in relation to my daughter, her life, her circumstances. I never know what end is up because of the lies and half-truths. I worry, yes. I don't know what is really going on with her. But I don't feel so responsible that I would sacrifice the rest of the family's well-being because she can't get a job and work herself into a decent living situation to avoid homelessness.

    I just feel crappy either way. I hope I'll feel better soon-- this all is pretty recent. I'm thankful for my therapy appointment tomorrow, I just wish it were for double the amount of time.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know the rollercoaster is draining. You're doing the right thing by not letting her come back. Unfortunately you can't control what your parents ultimately decide to do, but I sure hope they don't let her live there, either. I understand about now always knowing what the "truth" really is; they can be really adept at manipulating the facts to their advantage.

    Hang in there... I think you're doing great.
  3. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I understand the stress of knowing that your difficult child is living in a pig sty with people you know are bad news. Our difficult child did so for well over a year, during which time we just couldn't believe he would choose to live like that. Eventually, however, he opened his eyes and decided it wasn't ok to live in filth, drenched in cat urine, in a hoarder's paradise. He decided HE wanted a clean, orderly place and went out and found a job. We couldn't have convinced him. So, although it's hard to watch, maybe your difficult child needs to be miserable enough to take steps on her own. It sounds as if she's irritated with her roomie but otherwise has not much intention of changing things in her life. I think you're right in holding your boundary and keeping your family's wellbeing as top priority. If your difficult child tells you it's impossible for her to quit pot, she won't quit it at your house or your parents'. She'll just do what she does in more comfortable surroundings, and you'll be the miserable one.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Darn. I really wish you could have your parents go to an al-anon meeting.

    You are between a rock and a hard place. There are no winning sides. difficult child has got to figure this out on her own or she will never figure it out. It hoovers out the wazoo but that's just the way it is.

    There are just some life lessons we can't teach them. Life itself has to be the teacher for the message to get through.

    If she goes back to her grandparents or to you it won't be long before she'll back slide into old behavior. Why? Simple. It's easier. Then your parents get hurt again........and you get hurt again because you see she hurt your parents again.

    I hope they can come to realize that of course you love your child so why on earth would you be doing the things you're doing if it weren't to help her......very soon. It's often harder for it to "click" with the older generations. Oh heck, honestly, many people have a hard time really understanding unless they've lived with it.

    I hope she wants to change, I hope she makes the right decisions to change. And I hope she realizes that it has everything to do with HER and no one else.

  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Ai, yi, yi... The drama never stops, does it?
  6. Bean

    Bean Member

    You and me both!!!

    Witz, no it just doesn't.

    I did have a good talk with the counselor today. It has been helpful to bounce things off of someone other than my husband, that is for sure.

    My plan is to speak with my parents. Tell them my concerns, but also tell them that I am not able to talk about my daughter with them anymore. Not about her drinking, smoking, stealing, lying, using, abusing, etc. Nothing. Not for a while. If they would like her to live there, that is their choice. I am going to strongly suggest they seek regular, continued outside help, though.

    Right now, I'm the only one who is seeking help, has gone to Al-anon, contacted parent support, counseling. As dismayed as I am with the continued situation, I'm finally able to detach (slowly, but it's working) and focus on other things. I can't force anyone else to make the same moves. And, as long as they are wound up in the sickness of codependency, I tend to end up dancing right along with them. I just can't do it anymore. I really have to allow myself to move on.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    It sounds as though you have a really good plan. Good for you!
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I feel your pain. My difficult child was disrespectful to my mom today. Made me sad. I certainly didn't send her up there to make my mom's life miserable! My mom just takes it and says not to make a big thing about it, and just wants to keep the peace. On one side, it is so peaceful she is not here. I am not worrying about her and what she is doing. On the other, I am always stressed about what she is doing to my mom and if this move will actually help her in any kind of way. Hoovers. :(
  9. Raven21901

    Raven21901 Guest

    I understand completely. I had to kick my son out of the house when his 19 year old girlfriend tried to punch my 80 year old mother just because my son's girlfriend did not want to put her dishes in the dishwasher. I am my parents caregiver and no way was I going to tolerate that. My son blames me for not siding with him. For awhile the two of them lived in his truck then moved in with his mom for several years and now moved to another state and have their own place. He never even told me he was moving. He was back this monrh for a visit for 2 weeks and never stopped by. I guess he is never going to forgive me but in my heart I knew I had to do what I had to to protect my mother.