Smoking pots and drinking alcohols. Should we pay for his first year of college ?

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Is he a serious student? Why not make him live home and drive to a close by school. College dorm life will just ramp up his behavior. And he will be an adult (I know...lol) but the school wiLl not tell you anything. He may flunk out and you won't know it's going that bad. in my opinion, this entitled young man does not have the impulse control to deal with college freedom in dorms.

If that were my kid, an apology would not scratch the surface of what I'd do after trashing the house. Did he clean it?

Even if you legally have to pay for tuition, I wouldn't pay for anything else..no cell phone or allowance or anything but basic clothes. He can work part time...it's been a while since I've heard about anyone with that horrible an attitude. I don't have a high tolerance for it, I'm afraid.
 
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AppleCori

Well-Known Member
His mother does not work.
She will do everything to please her son.

My husband is waiting for an apology of some sort, but no word, no contact. His son is hiding at his mother's house. We will see him when it is time to pay for his college at the end of July.

I am afraid it might never come. I feel sad for him.


Probably won't get an apology.

Does mom have son as dependent on her taxes? If so, he is eligible for more grants and loans, And government money.
 

Lil

Well-Known Member
I really can't stress enough how important it is to go talk to a lawyer and take copies of all the divorce papers and any modifications since then. Really, really important when you're talking about not paying for something that may be required.
 

InsaneCdn

Well-Known Member
Here is his house and he is entitled to threw a party and have friends over.
He is set to go to college in August.
Is it smart to let him go to college now
While you are looking at the agreement again, check carefully whether it says you have to pay "up front". If it doesn't... then you might be able to get away with paying for any class that he passes with at least a 60%, for example. This way, if he takes a semester of college and fails all his classes, nothing is wasted. If he actually passes, then it's not a problem to pay prior passed-class tuition (or your share of it) against the next term, and roll forward again (has to pass every term, to have enough to go to next term... final term, if/when he gets there, he ends up with a little nest egg).
 

Ironbutterfly

If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree
my stepson just turn 18. My husband and I were away for a week and my stepson used our house to party like crazy. His friends slept all over the house, in our bedroom and my office included. When we came back on Sunday, The house was trashed. Drugs and alcohols were used. They played beer-pong and broke a glass table, glasses everywhere in the patio, they destroyed some carpets. Toilets broken and filthy etc...On Friday our cleaning lady helped him clean the house for over 10 hours extra work. My stepson decided to threw a last party right before we landed on Sunday morning. It was a real mess everywhere.
We do not get along with his mother. My husband does not talk to her and I do all the talking. But now she is not responding to me. She is babying him too much and she is upset that we left for vacation without telling her. My stepson is very closed to his mother. Right now he is with her because his father asked him to apologize and own his poor judgements and actions while we were Away. To avoid confrontation with henDad, my stepson is staying with his mother. He told him that he will stay at his mother the entire summer because he has not done anything wrong. Here is his house and he is entitled to threw a party and have friends over.
He is set to go to college in August.
Is it smart to let him go to college now, when he thinks that partying the way he did is normal and he did not do anything wrong?
Should we waste college money when we are afraid that in college, he might party all the time.
Is there any alternative to help him grow up and be responsible, before sending him out for college?
What do you suggest us to do?
We want the best for him, but do not want to waste money. We are both work hard for our money. My husband is out 12 hours per day to work. I work fm home, but work easy 10 hours/ day. His mother is a stay at home mother and my husband is responsible to pay for his son's tuitions.
I need advises.
Thank you for your help.
Beatrice

Unless it is in the divorce papers/legal papers that Dad has to pay for college, I wouldn't pay for his college. What I would do, is pay for books only. Then see how it goes. If it is papers legally- deduct the cost of the cleanup and damage from his tuition/books. Not sure legally if you can't pay if he doesn't maintain a certain grade- unless it is papers.

He trashed your house. True he lives there, but does he pay mortgage, rent, utilities, contribute anything? If the answer is no, then NO it is not his house.

How sad he feels he has done nothing wrong. Not a good start for someone going to be starting college.
 

Childofmine

one day at a time
Hi and welcome to the forum. First, if you are using your real name, you may want to change it to something else as many do here so you can be more anonymous.

We're glad you're here and most of us have been right where you are right now with our DCs. We started out paying for our Difficult Child's college but after he abused that privilege we stopped. He took out one loan for one semester and defaulted on that loan and now is making arrangements to start paying it back.

It has been our experience that when they're on their own, they can get loans. He got more than $3000 for one semester.

I would make sure, as others have suggested, that you are very clear on what the divorce requires, and then I would make sure that much of the responsibility for college rests with your stepson. That will build his character, sooner rather than later, if he has skin in the game. We often say here: stop the flow of money. I found out the long hard way how fundamental that became. Once I finally stopped paying for things, then he had to face the consequences of his own choices and over time (a long time) he finally started taking responsibility for himself.

Your stepson may carrying on like some young people do, and it will pass. Or, it may be a deeper problem. Time will tell.

All you can do is to decide with your husband what you will and will not do. What is reasonable. What makes sense to you. Offer to help...but very slowly and carefully. If he doesn't appreciate it, pull back.

A person---any person---who wants to go to college bad enough will find a way. Looking back, it's good to be a little hungry for things, for things not to come too easily.

Your stepson behaved badly and it appears, from what you wrote, that he's flaunting it. I know that kids of divorce play one against the other. My Difficult Child did that with his dad and I. I found that if I would say less, but make those words count, I could command more attention.

Most of us teach our kids how to treat us through years of not being firm enough. I know I did. I spent way too much time talking, reasoning, trying to make sure we "connected." Now, I try not to act when I'm angry. I try to decide what is reasonable. I think about what I want and what works for me, as much as what works for him. I try to keep it simple. Sometimes I even write it down to get really clear. Then, I try hard to be consistent and not be distracted or shaken from my script. Sometimes new information occurs and I always can change my mind.

I know this stuff is hard. Having your house trashed out is not fun and I'm sure you feel disrespected right now. I would too. Hang in there. We're glad you're here.
 

Sister's Keeper

Active Member
I agree with the other check the divorce agreement. See what it says about what is required and check with an attorney.

If you are required to pay for college, but it doesn't say what college I would only agree with paying for community college. I would tell him that he has not proved himself mature enough to be on his own and that you will pay for 2 years of community college and if he proves capable of of handling the responsibility you will then pay for him to finish his degree at a university.
 
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