So angry with easy child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Mar 1, 2010.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    One thing I love about this board is how open we are with one another, how we not only share ideas and support, but we share the nitty gritty details of what's going on in our lives. Before I go off, I just wanted to say "Thanks".

    I am angry with easy child. I think she's having a delayed adolescence. Anyone else with a easy child that waits until they are an actual adult before they begin acting out? She's moody and brooding all the time, holes up in her room, doesn't really converse with anyone and is kind of mean when she does. Well, that's my easy child.

    She was fine for the most part all through her teens, never really gave me cause for worry or concern. Except with her boyfriend, Casper. He can be controlling in seemingly innocuous ways. on the other hand, easy child hates change and likes to have her life mapped out in front of her. When she makes a plan, she generally sticks with it, even if for only a little while. She has a plan in her head (and on paper), mapping out her and Casper's lives, year by year. So, when she returned home from college, she hooked back up with her HS sweetheart, Casper (she was with him in HS for 2 years, then went to college and broke it off, hooked up with another guy, then broke it off with him to go back to Casper after 2 years). When she first came home from culinary school she got a job in a bakery cafe. Coincidentally (or not) Casper lunched there every day while at work and I truly believe he was keeping tabs on her. Anyway, she left there to go back to her old HS job at a daycare, claiming that the bakery job was too stressful. At the daycare, she took a $4/hour pay cut and she has little to no chance of ever being in contact with other men - it's all kiddos and women. I think Casper loves this idea and encouraged it for his own reasons. Meanwhile, $60,000 down the drain on her culinary education at the best school in the US, right? But I digress.

    Some facts: Casper owns his own home with his brother, but moved back in with his parents while he attends school and is quitting his job in the fall to attend school full time. He is 24 and his education will take 5 years if he goes steady. His parents are major fundamentalists in every possible way and while we like them, they are nice people, we don't agree with many of their views.

    Since easy child's been home she's commented that she wished she could get her own apt, which H and I are not against or for. She can live at home or she can move out - we really don't care one way or the other. HOWEVER, she recently came to us with the most ridiculous, insulting and meanest plan. She states that she is moving into Casper's parents house!!! Casper's parents won't let them sleep together, so she is going to be in their spare bedroom while Casper has his old boyhood room down the hall. She claims that our house has too much tension and that their house is calm.

    difficult child, H and I all had a good laugh about the tension thing. The fact is, our house is borderline BORING there is so little going on. H falls asleep by 8:30, I'm either readin or doing homework most nights - I mean, the house is pretty quiet by 8pm, unless someone has a tv going, and difficult child is hardly home. H and I sometimes bicker like any married couple, but we don't have fights or any major arguing going on. There is NO tension in our house, and as difficult child pointed out: easy child is the one who is always tense, not anyone else. difficult child said the easy child brings on her own stress.

    Perhaps the reason why Casper's house is so calm and serene is because the mother is completely complacent and subservient to the father. Whatever the dad wants or says, he gets or it goes his way every time, even if it's clear the mom is not happy about it. She relents because he's the man of the house. Even if I was inclined to be subservient to my H, he would not like that. We enjoy discussing things together, sometimes loudly.

    difficult child told me that easy child said to her that moving into Casper's house would be perfect because then she would get to be with him all the time, but wouldn't have to sleep with him. WHAT??? What 22 year old thinks like that?

    Anyway, I will state again, if easy child came to us and said, "Casper and I are getting an apt together" H and I wouldn't be thrilled (because we think Casper is a mistake for easy child) but we'd be okay with it. However, her moving into his parents' house and having to stay in another room just seems strange. And her comments are insulting and hurtful to me. To us, it seems like she's taking steps backwards in her personal growth. First she gave up her better job, then for Valentine's Day, Casper put easy child on his phone plan by buying her an iPhone (now he can see who she's calling and texting) and now she's moving out of our home, but into his parent's? How is that asserting her independence?

    When easy child came back from a week's vacation with Casper's family last summer, she didn't even hang with him for 3 days because him and his father drove her so crazy that she couldn't bear being around them. She likes his mom a lot, which is nice and I respect that, but his father drives easy child crazy.

    H thinks that it will last about 2 weeks and that it's a HUGE mistake. I want to say something to easy child along the lines of, "You can come home if it doesn't work out, but our home is not a flophouse - when you move out, you will lose your room and you cannot just flop here to take a break when you tire of his family." I also want to point out how she's actually lost independence since going back with Casper and moving home, rather than gradually gaining more indepence. I also want to tell her that that she should just simply own up to the fact that she just wants to move out of our home and that it has nothing to do with any tension in the house (because there is none). I get it, she's 22 - I was on my own at 18, so I do understand her wanting to get out. But really? Moving in with Casper at his parents house just seems wierd!

    So, please give me some feedback. Sorry this is so long - I actually edited a lot out, believe it or not. Thanks~
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Sounds like the grass is greener over at Casper's parents house...

    I don't know what you can really do to convince her otherwise--except to let her find out for herself.
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yowzers. Casper does seem a bit over controlling to me too. Also a bit weird that a grown man that owns his own home would move back in with parents. That is just icky to me...especially if he wants his girlfriend to move in there. Whats he want, a sister?

    I just cant see how that could work honestly. Really. Makes no sense at all to me.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Yes the whole thing sounds very weird. Unfortunately there is little you can do about it though. So my advice is to approach the subject with care and without accusations. Then let her make her own informed choices. Hopefully your easy child will see that this is not the best of situations before she gets brain washed into being just like Casper's mother.

    Sometimes I think we should make our kids, even our easy child's, sign promissory notes that state that the money we spend for college and trade school has to be paid back if they do not use their education for at least ten years. My easy child blew off her dream to be a doctor because her boyfriend had a life plan that included marriage when my daughter was just out of college. She graduated in May and was married in July. Instead of medication school she went into a PhD program in research. Alas she didn't get to finish that either due to a pregnancy that resulted in a premature birth. She terminated her education at a master's degree when her first born was three thus closing the door at one of the best medical colleges in the US because she was on a full grant. She then had a second child and ended up so depressed she required therapy. From that she got the courage to go against her husbands wishes and worked part time for a pharmasutical company until her division was closed down. She then went to schoold to become a yoga instructor which her husband did pay for but which she is no longer using either. I believe this restlesness is because she gave up her life dream for another person's life dream. It would have been so much better for both of then if they had merged their dreams into a plan that suited both of them. As hind sight is 20-20, they both admit they made a mistake getting married so soon but it is too late for my daughter to persue her MD now. She is now faced with trying to find another career that will fulfill her and give her happiness and contentment. I can only pray that she does.

    It stinks when our daughters give up dreams for another person's adgenda. But I made the mistake of going on the record when she got engaged and it cause all kinds of strife between the families for many years. -RM
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Sorry that she's rocking the boat. You guys have had a relatively easy time of it for a long time. It seems to me that our kids act out when they're ready to leave the nest, no matter what their age is.

    Maybe the step to Casper's will be a stepping stone to moving into a place of her own, or someplace that she can share with a roommate? Even if she doesn't stay with him, maybe she'll figure something else out. I know I sure wish that M would get motivated to find his own place. I feel that he will forever be content to sleep on someone's sofa.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thank you for the feedback.

    Yes, Janet, "icky" is exactly how we describe it. difficult child said that when she told her boyfriend, he just "That's just plain weird - you should tell your sister not to do it" - and especially the part about living in separate bedrooms. We once visited the Shaker village up in Massachusetts when the girls were little - I wonder if that's where they've gotten the idea that this is normal?

    Witz, of course I think easy child's ideas are borne out of her desire to move out of the family nest, no doubt about that, which I don't mind at all (please!). But then to move into her boyfriend's family nest? I still think it's strange. And I do have to wonder, why not just get a one bedroom apt and live together?

    RM, I have to speak my mind to easy child. I will have to practice my wording, however, because I don't want to say anything that will sit between us forever, especially if she does end up with Casper (and his family). I don't want there to be strife between the two families either. I like his parents, they are nice people - but each of their children is more messed up than the other, except the oldest daughter and she lives in Spain! I have to wonder why so far, Know what I mean??

    And it's not just about living here, either - she's voicing her dislike about everything with us, what we eat, how we cook, how we spend our free time, everything. And I know it's all about her being ready to leave the nest, which, again, is fine with us.

    In the end, I realize that if she's determined to move in with Casper's parents, I have no say; what else can I do? I think back to when I told my mom that I was divorcing exh and she said, "Oh, I wish your father was still alive, that would make him so happy. We never liked him or thought he was the right one for you. I'm so glad, Praise be to God!" LOLOLOL. I mean, it was funny and not the least bit surprising. But then out of the woodwork came so many other family members who said the same thing to me. I know I probably wouldn't have listened then, but it would have been nice if at least ONE person had said something to me BEFORE I married exh!! Yeesh.

    So, keep it coming, thanks.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I've long since stopped trying to figure out where are kids' heads are, well, except knowing that most of the time they are maybe where the sun don't shine. :bag:

    Jo, I think I'd try really hard to be a bobblehead on this one. It might be mystifying or even stupid but it's not dangerous or illegal so it's probably not worth the aggravation of trying to talk some sense into her. Natural consequences- either good or bad- will be her learning tool this time.

  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Oh, and if she's being a PITB it will make it easier to offer to help her pack. :D
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    This is what H says also. We should just let her know, however, that our home is not a pitstop...that if she's moving out, she's moving out *and she cannot take my furniture with her*. H said he would like to reiterate to her all the things we've discussed between ourselves, but he doesn't think she'd listen anyhow so we may as well just keep it short and sweet and wish her luck. Let her know if it doesn't work out that she can crash until she finds a new place, etc., but that's it.

    H reminded me that this is easy child's M-O. She gets bored and then gets antsy and starts making hairbrain ideas.
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Jo, as to getting a one bedroom? Goodness only knows why that isn't the first step. It sure doesn't sound right... But, maybe his parents will help them find a place? That would be nice... ;)
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Witz, I don't think a one bedroom is part of their plan. You see, Casper plans to live with his parents until he is done with school, which will take about 5 years. He will not be working, so an apt will not be affordable for him. And I definitely think his parents are more interested in them getting married than helping them find a one bedroom while they are not married.
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Jo I don't really have time to read through all of the replies, so sorry if I repeat something.

    Sounds like your easy child may have similar issues that Nichole has had concerning boyfriend. I don't know why they can't get it through their silly heads the guys are horrible for them. But sigh.....hopefully that will happen.

    And it sounds to me that this rather stupid idea of easy child's just might be a way to make it happen much faster. lol (whether she knows it or not) Having grown up in a home that is more modern in it's views she's going to have a hard time adjusting to the fundamentalist view on a 24/7 basis. There is also a huge difference in being exposed to it via visiting and the like and having to live with it. Huge. I doubt that it going to sit well with her.

    I am a bit surprised the parents are even considering having her stay in the house at all, in the same room or not, as that is usually considered too tempting and unacceptable. But she and ol' Casper may find out rather quick that his parents will come down on them with a heavy hand if they can't resist temptation just once and happen to get caught. Then she'll have most likely made enemies of both his parents just to be "closer" to boyfriend. ugh

    Odd all the way around. Sounds like she's foundering and unsure of what she wants outside of the scope of boyfriend. And yet unsure of how to break free of controlling boyfriend. The set up is just really weird. Why did boyfriend move home when he owns his own home? That doesn't make sense. And what possible benefit is it to them as a couple to live there together........more like siblings than a couple?

    I don't think this plan will be very long lived. At all.

    If it were Nichole, I'd attempt to talk to her about the pros and cons as objectively as possible. Maybe doing it that way will help her to see this set up/idea is just plain weird and really, aw heck I dunno, I don't see what any of them gets out of it. Know what I mean???
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    The concensus seems to be that I can certainly let her know how I feel but I ultimately let her go and figure it out for herself.

    I am worried about the 'how long will it take part' and will it take as long as it took for me...ending up with two kids in tow and even though you divorce, that person is still an inevitable part of your life. Ugh.

    Today I am sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I go to sleep thinking about it and wake up thinking about it. She stayed at his parent's house last night, giant duffle in tow. I saw her at a stop light this morning. I didn't even have it in my heart to look her way in recognition. I think my daughter doesn't know who she is or what she wants in life, so she's just along for Casper's ride and because that plan lacks change for her, she's too insecure or afraid to question whether it's the right ride for her. It is so sad to see her just make her world a smaller place without any outlets or friends besides Casper, his mom and me. My heart is breaking.
  14. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Do you actually know for sure that Casper's parents are OK with this plan?? Maybe they are not even aware that these two are discussing such a plan?
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ok...this is even more strange. He wants them to live in his parents house for 5...count them 5 ...years before they marry and he finishes school!!!

    Ok, call me odd here but I just cannot see a couple, any couple, sleeping apart in the same house for 5 years! I know I may be in the total minority but I didnt even try to attempt to enforce that rule.
    5 years? OMG!
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2013
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I don't know for certain, but I am planning on asking easy child. My gut is telling me that this is the way it has gone down:

    easy child has complained to Casper about whatever issue it is she has with us/our home and he repeats it to his parents and that they may have offered that room, but maybe Casper just assumes it's okay - I don't know for sure. It bothers me that he may be miscontruing easy child's feelings about anything and then repeating that to his parents. If I ran into his parents at the grocers, I don't trust myself to be civil at this moment...I think it would difficult for me NOT to ask, "Why would you encourage my daughter to move into your home when you know she already has a loving home?"
  17. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Would you prefer to have Casper move into your home?

  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

  19. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ugh, no thank you. If our addition was complete, I can say that I wouldn't mind if it was short term, temporary, until they found an apt. But if he's going to be quitting his job, how would he be able to afford the measly $35/week that I charge? Bahahahaahhahahahaha - what a joke! Maybe easy child thinks she's making out by moving there as she surely will not be paying rent to them. I'm so mean, charging all that money to eat my food, use my hot water and parking and electric.

    No, what I want is for easy child to dump his pale behind and get on with her adventures!
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good lord only charge $35?

    I am sitting here thinking I am being easy for wanting to charge Billy $50! We had been charging him $100 a month when he was working part-time but now that he has gone full-time I want to double it.

    I think we are too easy on these kids. I think I saw the word "doormat" faintly on my forehead the other day when I washed my